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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Why can't I just let go? When is enough ... enough?

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Author Topic: Why can't I just let go? When is enough ... enough?
Est. In 1984
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Member # 31502

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I was with my Ex BF for 5 yrs and 4 1/2 where filled w/ verbal & physical abuse. He has punched, pinched, kicked, choked, lied and cheated & has even held a knife to my throat. I found out in Feb of this yr that he had been cheating on me for a month. He had another GF...I didnt know what to do...I felt like my whole world was being shaken & I could'nt do
N-E thing about it. I asked him why & he said he was sorry but we were not ment to be. I begged him to please stay with me (like a fool). I though it was because I had gained weight (40lbs) I was 120lbs when we met @ 5'6. He said it wasnt that...he said he didnt desire me n-e more. How could he say that? I cried and he just looked @ me. I felt as though my tears repulsed him. I kept calling him begging him to try to work it out..eventually he became cold hearted w/ his words. He said I didnt care about his happiness because if I did I would want him to be w/ this girl that made him happy. He said he liked her a lot and that they had a lot in common. He even went as far as to call my mom. He told her that if I didnt leave him alone he was going to get a rstraining order against me. He could'nt understand how I could'nt move on if he had. When my mom came to me w/ tears in her eyes, that when I realized I had to let go. 2 wks later he called me while i was @ work telling me he missed me and that he was sorry...(he was still w/ the girl when he called). Needless to say I took him back. We ended moving out together and the abuse started. I could'nt forget what he had put me through & all the mean things he had said to me...all for another girl. I kept bringing it up and that would set him off. By the way she knew about me the whole time. I think he came back because she thought he was still talking to me & started giving him crap. She knew he was back with me.
I decided to move back home. 2wks later I found out he's back with her....Why? We sarted hooking up all the while she was his GF. i didnt care as long as he was there. I felt like he was choosing me over her..reality he was'nt. He broke it off w/ her again to try again w/ me. I really love this guy. The abuse did not go away on 10/31/06 he told me the same line as before...we are not ment to be and he wants nothing to do with me. Again I found out 1wks ago that he's back w/ the girl. While we where living together he had told me that she was drama and "ghetto". They had their fair share of arguments. Why would he want to be w/ somoene like that. He has already broken a cell phone of hers and she has cratched him. I did so much for him. He lead me on telling me that he could be happy with me and that he knows I love him w/ all my Heart. Why does he keep going back to her? What does she have? why do I even want him? I dont know what to do. Since this whole thing started I have lost 40 lbs. (when we moved back in together I was back a 120) I feel as though I am going through depression. Why do I want him? Why cant I focus on all the BAD as much as I do the good. As rediculous as this sounds I just want him to want me. It kills me to know he is kissing her and showing her affection. In her eyes she has won. Everyone tells me I will see this as a blessing later...he's done me a favor. When is this feeling going to go away? What can I do? I feel that he will change for her and the abuse will stop... that breaks my heart. (FYI: He abused the girl before me. He saw his father beat his mother. His mother blames the girl before for the man he has become). Why did he have to call me that day? I had accepted that he didnt want me. He just sucked me back in to spit me out a few more times. I know I am to blame as well for taking him back. But what I feel for him is TRUE love. I've been with him since I was 17. He was my 1st everything. He told me he loved me after 3 wks...I felt the same. I quit my modeling for him. I made him my everything. He used to adore me...what happen? This guy use to walk 6 miles to see me...how does that feeling go away? Did he get tired of abusing me? Did I become his push over? Do you think he will call me if things go bad w/ her or does he just not want me? N-E one thats knows what i'm going through or has advise please help! Sorry so long...

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

Posts: 86 | From: CA | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Why would hewant to be with someone like that?

Sweetheart, why would youwant to be with someone like him?

I understand that it is very hard to love an abuser, and no easier -- and often harder, that's part of what their abuse does and why they do it -- to deal with being left because someone is an abuser.

But you do NOT want this, and you earnestly have been given a gift if he is gone and will leave you alone. I agree with the folks in the favor camp, even though I get that you don't feel that way right now.

Have you looked into ANY counseling or support groups for abuse surviviors? Or just in general, to address your depression? I'd very much suggest starting there: just being able to understand all the residual effects abuse has and learn a lot of the answers to your why questions per why you love him, why you're so attached, etc. - which you can learn with that support and help -- is a really important start to get out of patterns an abuser has put you into.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67067 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Est. In 1984
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I never thought I would be a statistic. I "AM" a strong person...I'm in nursing school making something out of myself. He is my weakness. I know how nice he can be when he is. I never in a million yrs would have thought a broken heart could hurt so bad. I have an appointment w/a pshycologist 2morrow. I feel like she is going to tell me what I already know. I know it's not healthy for me to still want him after all this but I cant help what I feel. I know the abuse he put me thorugh was not right...but when he's there the inner pain is gone... I can eat and be happy. He's not always a jerk. He can be a really sweet, loving, caring, guy. i want this to just go away. I know he'll never come back. He loves her now.

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"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

Posts: 86 | From: CA | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Aw, sugar, don't think that having been abused means you're not strong or reduces you to a statistic.

All of of who are survivors of some form of abuse are people, all whole, all important, and many of us strong. Many of us have made something of ourselves, despite our abuse, despite that being the last thing those who abused us would want.

NO abusers are always jerks: that's part of how the cycle of abuse works. if they weren't nice, ever -- systematically -- no one would stick around past one incident of abuse. So, pretty much always, they ALL have "nice" or "makeup" behaviour as part of the contast cycle. That's also part of why when the abuser is around, you feel better: this is systematic stuff. This is how it works and why it is so deeply psychologically harmful.

Ten bucks says this guy can't love ANYONE: not her, not you. You don't choke or hit someone you love, you don't manipulate him.

I'm glad you're seeing someone, and likely she won't just say loving him isn't healthy: after all, saying that doesn't do very much for you. Instead, she should get started on trying to give you tools to get yourself out of this pattern, to see it, to heal so that you CAN have healthy relationshops with healthy people and can have a life free of abuse. be sure to also mention the appetite problems: you'll want to work on managing that so you don't get very ill.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67067 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
racheal
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i was wondering...do you thin that maybe we could talk about this? i am going through something similar and im wondering did u ever get over it? are u still in that trap? i HAVE to know more!!!

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thank u

Posts: 15 | From: florida | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Member # 25983

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(racheal, we get so much traffic on the boards that it's very likely that if a topic is more than a month or two old, the posters aren't really invested in a given topic anymore. If you want input on your own situation from others, though, you're more than welcome to start your own thread asking for it. [Smile] )
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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