Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » mentally abusive relationship?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: mentally abusive relationship?
shroomroom
Activist
Member # 29469

Icon 1 posted      Profile for shroomroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm doing this one project in my crappy leadership class that I actually care about for once: Teens & Abusive Relationships. Anyway I didn't think anything of it, until she started saying that it goes way beyond just phsyical, its emotional too. And I just wondered since then if my last relationship was mentally abusive or if I am just being a big whiny baby. See A LOT of the problems I had with my (ex) boyfriend of a year and a half, is just that he SEEMED like he didn't care a lot of the time, and then after I tried repeatedly to make him see how hes hurting me, he would apologize and promise to try and be nicer from then on, but the next day the same old thing would happen. Also he always called me 'controlling' because I would REALLY rather him not look at porn (I didn't snoop around his computer, interrogate him everyday, threaten to break up about it, or anything. In fact HE was the one who said that he would quit looking at it for me, and after that, I believed he did, but recently after we broke up, I found out he lied about that) He also thought I was controlling because every time he was at his friends house I got 'upset'. He told me I didn't want him to have friends. But in truth, I only got upset because he sounded so uninterested on the phone but would not just say anything like 'I'll talk to you later, I'm gonna do something with them', THAT would be okay with me. HE just sat there and did nothing except laugh at what his friends were talking about when I was talking. And now that we've broken up, the getting over was kind of prolonged, because it was such a perfect relationship afterwards. We had all the same conversations with 10,000x less fights. So does that mean that the relationship was emotionally draining him out too, even if I didn't think I was doing anything wrong? Anyway after that short happy time, he went back to being really distant and stuff, and that was like breaking up all over again. I have this guy who likes me, and he cares about me no matter what, or where he is. But I can't seem to shake the feeling of wanting my ex to still care about me. Anyway, I think that we were mentally abusing OURSELVES because we didn't need to be in such a serious relationship right now. [Roll Eyes] EXCEPT for the 'controlling' thing, because that really made me paranoid about what I could say to him. (Is it wrong for me to want to talk right now? Is it wrong for me to ask what he is doing since he's NOT talking? Is it wrong for me to ask who he is talking to, or about? Is it wrong for me to ask what he's watching on tv, ect.) But, at least in that relationship, scarleteen always helped me/us out no matter our situation. [Razz]
Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Generally, staples of emotional abuse are things like:

quote:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

It's hard to tell from what you've posted here if this was an issue for you. It certainly seems clear that there wasn't an especially healthy dynamic between you, all around, but per this post, I'm not really hearing anything that tips my radar when it comes to you having had an abusive partner. More of what I'm hearing sounds like you two were a poor fit for each other, and dragged things out rather than acknowledging that and going your separate ways. And since after the breakup, y'all seemed to be easy friends, that kind of solidifies for me that you perhaps just weren't in the right relationship with each other.

Again, from one post, we can only tell so much from over here. But on top of this post, since you've also posted some history about anger management problems of your own, jealousy, and a clear lack of an ability with you two to communicate well, I'm inclined to say that it doesn't sound like your partner was abusive to you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
shroomroom
Activist
Member # 29469

Icon 1 posted      Profile for shroomroom     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I guess that makes sense. I didn't think any of my problems sounded like any of the other peoples' here anyway. He just always made me sad, but that could, like you said, be just because the relationship wasn't right (i know for a fact now that it was NOT right) I've just been kind of trying to come to terms with myself a little bit lately. but thank you [Big Grin]
Posts: 56 | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ninster8
Neophyte
Member # 32413

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ninster8     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
my friend is in a relationship with this guy who has her totally brainwashed. whenever he does something wrong he somehow manages to turn it around and make her feel like it's her fault. he cheated on her and she forgave him. is that abusive or does my friend just need to stick up for herslef?

--------------------
www.popteenus.com

Posts: 10 | From: vermont | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That's a big staple of emotional abuse, that sort of behaviour.

And yes, your friend needs to stick up for herself: if she can bring it to the table with this guy that he does this, and he can recognize that pattern and has an interest in stopping it, then you've got a maybe-workable relationship.

But if she can't do that, or he's not responsive when she does, then her best best is to stick up for herself by leaving.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hunnybunny888
Activist
Member # 29737

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hunnybunny888     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
would you say the emotional rollercoasters depressed S.O send their S.Os on is considered emotional abuse?
Posts: 246 | From: canada | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There are a whole lot of reasons why having a partner who's depressed can be very tough, but that doesn't automatically make the relationship abusive.

"Being depressed" doesn't count as abusing others all by itself.

On the other hand, some people who are depressed can be emotionally abusive too, just like anyone else.

And of course even if a partner isn't being "abusive", it's still fine to decide that their issues are too much for you to handle and you don't want to continue a relationship with them.

Could you give some examples of the sort of behaviour you're thinking of? Then people might be able to give you answers which are specific to your situation.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3