just wondering why this is happening and what i can possibly do to stop it.
my grandfather molested me when i was little, about nine or so (I think). i never remembered it until pretty recently, and now the memories keep coming back through nightmares and flashbacks, and i'm pretty certain it happened, although not really certain of the exact details. in any case, i've been having a lot of flashbacks during sex that leave me sobbing and so incredibly upset. but here's the catch: one would logically think taht i should just stop having sex, that i should leave well enough alone and just be celebate, cause then i don't have so much anxiety. but i seem to be driven to have as much sex as possible, with as many men as possible. and i know this is bad (always protected, though, jsut to get that out there). i've gotten into this horrible habit of getting myself drunk in order to have sex (less likely to panic that way) but it means i don't always remember the way things went, or i'm so drunk i'm passing out during the act, or i just end up having flashbacks anyways. its not even that i'm letting these random men take advantage of me; i'm always the aggressive one, the one that tries to get them into bed (no one has refused), the one that wants to be sexual. my freinds alll say this is true, say taht i'm a man-trap, especially when drunk.
the thing is, i don't even recognize when i'm being sexual. and i know i should stop drinking, but i've also gotten into the habit of using it as a way to cope with my everyday life, not drinking everyday, but promising myself that if i make it through the week i can get drunk on friday night. i can't imagine life sober, but know taht drinking is probably not helping me right now.
it just confuses me why i am so sexually agressive when every sexual encounter ends with me sobbing.
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2006
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I think you need to consider counseling. This sort of problem (both the drinking, and then putting yourself in repeated danger by having intercourse while intoxicated) has gotten far out of hand, and is something you can't seem to deal with on your own anymore. I think it is time to seek some professional help.
It would help if you would list where you live, town or city and state/country. That way we could give you a list of references/numbers.
Actually is this a very real effect of sexual abuse. Not every victim becomes dealthy afraid of sex that they'll avoid it at all cost. That is the image many believe, or want us to believe, but it's just not true. It's only half of it. I think that quite a few sexually promiscuous women were sexually abused or raped at one point in their life. I know because I've been there before. Alcohol just numbs everything and plus it's like 'well I said no before and that didn't work...'
I'd seek out a good counsellor that can help you through this.
Posts: 81 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2002
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