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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » Will he understand? (what do guys think?)

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Author Topic: Will he understand? (what do guys think?)
surferforlife
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Member # 37824

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A few days ago I was sexually attacked by a guy who is a senior(im a freshman). I go to a very small, strict school and if i told a teacher or school employee he would be kicked out of school and this would go on his record, so i decided not to tell anyone. Anyways I have a boyfriend who is also a senior who I really love and is the best guy i have ever been with, he always makes me feel great about my self and never preassures me to do something that i dont want to do.Last night we were kissing and stuff when he asked if i wanted to have sex i said yes. When we were about to I had a flash back and passed out for about a min. when i woke up he assured me that he didnt do anything to me while i was asleep and i believe him, but when he asked me why i had passed out and he also asked me why i had looked so scared before we were about to have sex i lied and said that i didnt know why. My question is do you think he will understand if i tell him what happened?

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Em~

Posts: 2 | From: California | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Personally, I think getting kicked out of school and having rape on your record is an exceptionally light punishment: rape and sexual assault are serious and malicious crimes. Obviously, in terms of what you want and need for yourself, you get to decide if reporting is best for you. But I would encourage you not to make a choice based on helping this guy: after all, he sure didn't do and wouldn't do the same for you.

From the sounds of things, you have a great partner who makes you feel good and who you can trust. And trying to just go on with an intimate relationship and sex life without sharing this or having it taken into account at best won't be easy, and at worst, will make your healing so much harder and probably really poison your relationship over time. As well, you could obviously use the support right now.

I'd say the choice is either to fill him in, or to find a way to take a little break for a while, especially from sex, in terms of what you'll need to heal and deal. Either one is a viable way to handle this. And if a partner just wouldn't be sensitive about us being assaulted, even if they have strong feelings about it, they're not going to be a healthy partner for a survivor to be with, and probably not a partner anyone would want to be with, really. And it sounds like this is someone you can be safe in telling.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68032 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
surferforlife
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Thank you for replying. I took your advice and told my boyfriend what had happened. He was very undertanding and said that we should take it slow. However I can tell that he is really angry at the guy that did this (althought i didnt tell him who it was) my boyfriend is the starting quarterback and captian of the wrestling team and I know that if I told him who it was he would do serious damage to the other guy, annd I dont want him getting into trouble. Do you have any advice on how I can tell him who it was without him going after the guy who attacked me?

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Em~

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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How about by telling him that violence already hurt you, and more isn't going to help you any?

Earnestly, I'm one of those people who feels that save in self-defense, violence (which I wouldn't even say self-defense is) is never justified and always only enables even more violence. Him doing this guy harm won't help you -- in fact, it wouldn't be about you at all, it'd be about HIM (your boyfriend). As well, that would be a criminal act, too. Your boyfriend getting charged with an assault helps no one, and won't stop a rapist from raping again. The only thing that generally works in that regard is getting charged with rape and being incarcerated.

Your rape isn't about him: it's about you. If he needs help managing his feelings about it, you could suggest a support group or some reading for partners of survivors. It's understandable he feels hurt and angry -- after all, he cares for you -- but as someone who cares for you, it's important he doesn't give you more to deal with, and that he defers to how you want to handle this.

I'm glad that it sounds like telling went well for you. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68032 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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