My boyfriend has been a real pain about this site. I tell him all the things I see on here and how I want to be more careful about being sexual with him and all the possibilities that could happen and everything and he gets so mad!
He keeps telling me I need to stop coming here and quit reading all this stuff. I was like, it's REAL life people with REAL problems. You can't act like these risks aren't out there. And he is just like, well, you need to quit that mess. It gives you to many ideas...OK, the only ideas I get are how to be SAFER!
He is being so one-sided, he doesn't even care about my opinion on this stuff, he has the 'IT CAN'T HAPPEN TO US' syndrome, BAD!!
So you are saying that he doesn't respect your opinion on wanting to be safer about sex? I think you and him could use a talk. If he isn't willing to respect your body,heck even his then how do you have a sexual/emotional relationship. I'm not saying for you to dump your boyfriend,but if I was you then I would tell him," if you can't respect my wishes on wanting to be safe and getting the RIGHT info on safer sex then I don't think we should be together."
He might not think STD's, STI's,AIDS and pregnancy can't happen until it actually does. Then what does he do?
I'm sorry that your boyfriend doesn't like you comming on this site cuz everyone here prolly knows that this site is really great. Best of wishes for you and your boyfriend
Posts: 77 | From: Roanoke,Virginia, USA | Registered: Jan 2004
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Quite frankly, it's your business if you want to be on this site, not his. If you decide to share that with him fine, but he doesn't have the right to tell you to stop coming here.
From all the things I've been hearing from your posts, it sounds like your boyfriend has some serious issues that he needs to find a way to deal with. If you can find a way to help him, great, but a lot of it sounds like things he needs to work out on his own.
And you two really need to talk about the relationship. I know you love him and care for him, and I know you've tried to talk to him about all this, but I can see it's not getting through, and I know you don't wnat to break up with him, but sometimes love just isn't enough, you have to show it through your actions, and from what I can tell, his actions sound very one-sided like you said he's being. Bottom line, you may want to at least give the relationship a break. But if you can find another alternative that works, more power to you, but I honestly don't know what else to say.
i suspect there's more going on that oyu're telling us right now, probably because oyu're missing al ot of big point.
this guy, from all you've written already shows a complete disregard for your safety and an utter lack of respect for your health. That's big NONO when it comes to trying to conduct a healthy sexual relationship.
Knowledge is power, and people who keep knowledge out of reach are oppressors.
my boyfriend actually comes on here and reads what i write and he knows it is me because my username is also my email address. it sucks because some stuff i write on here is about him and i dont really want him reading it. good luck
Posts: 64 | From: Ohio | Registered: Mar 2004
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To be frank, I wouldn't be all that surprised if someone who had coerced me into sexual activity didn't like me coming to a place which let me know that wasn't acceptable behaviour.
(Of course, I wouldn't be dating someone who did anymore if they had, same goes for anytone who had a problem with me educating myself, on anything...)
No doubt he's a little mad: chances are good he isn't real happy with you getting support for taking care of yourself and learning about limits and boundaries. It means you're less likely to be a pushover or allow the sort of behaviour he wants to engage in.
And all that right there, sugar, should be a Big Red Flag for you in terms of this relationship and this guy.
Sounds more like he has the "I Don't Respect You" syndrome, to me.
Yeah he won't keep me from coming here, he is very big on safe sex, the thing is that he doesn't like is that I hear about other people's major problems with sex and I tell him about it and I'm like maybe we shouldn't do this after all, and he was like why do you keep reading that stuff? it makes you worried about nothing because we are always with each other and neither one of us has anything, we are safe and we use protection.
Ok, so I'm a worry bug sometimes, but come on, it comes with the terriotory.
I need OUT of this relationship -- it has the BEST parts, but I realize his true character more now than ever and I really need help with it!
He isn't the type to take this lightly or to go down without a fight. He will cry to me and beg me not to do this, what do I do? I need some advice.
This will be the toughest thing I ever do. Because, I know this relationship is unhealthy, and gosh, I care for him sooooooo much and he does me, but there are just things about him that I can't take anymore. My mom doesn't like him much either. She thinks he is over protected and all -- I checked a good couple things on the Abusive Partner Checklist in another forum.
This is really hard and hurtful. how do I get through this?
And how do I explain to people -- mostly my family -- what happened between us as to why we broke up -- if we go that far?
all the condoms, birth control and protection in the world don't mean a damn thing if he simply does NOT respect the boundaries you set. How safe are you really if you're still saying NO to him to whatever sexual activity, and he's just blowing you off? Safety isn't jus about preventing disease, it's also about protecting your feelings.
I read your reply to the Checklist, and it is very clear you're dealing with someone who is too overbearing and bullies you into submission. That just not healthy, and i'm glad you're seeing this loud and clear. Take Ashy's advice (from the other thread) about how to break it to him.
Because he's shown himself ot be controlling, you make it clear that if he tries to harass you, you will take action (meaning, you CAN call the police on him if he steps over the line).
As for your friends and family, I don't see why you need to explain things (especially if your mom has known all along he's controlling -- she might just put in a few words on your behalf), but if you feel you must issue some statement about the breakup, then simply say that he was disrespectful of your needs and concerns, and that you know you deserve to be treated better (that should win you a lot of "you go grrl!" cheers from them).
and don't say "if." you know you're in an unhealthy situation here, and thankfully, you have the sense to get out. it's just a matter of taking action. be strong.
I really appriciate all the great support I've gotten here. You guys are better than my real friends, lol. I'm glad I can really turn here for help. Thank you so much.
I talked to my boyfriend last night and we were talking about our problems and such, and he was telling me he was really scared on losing me, and how bad he felt about pressuring me into sex and that he felt really bad about it. Ok, big deal right? Still doesn't change the fact that what happened...happened.
Well, we are meeting tonight for dinner, and we are going to talk about things tonight and he is very scared I'm going to break up with him. He cried to me last night. I don't fall for it anymore, so don't worry. He crys everytime we break up, it's just how he puts guilt trips on me....that, and because I know he really doesn't want to lose me.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know what's going on today, and to say thank you -- I'll post again tonight to tell you how things went.
This will be the toughest conversation ever of our relationship...wish me luck. :-\
Thanks so much for all the help and support. I feel like I have real friends here. Thank you<3
(No problems, Gummy! I can think of a lot of things worse than being comparable to Ashy )
DeeplyTroubled, the advice I gave you was here: Abusive Partner Checklist. Have a look-see, and if you're still feeling a bit hesitant about the breakup, there are plenty good topics around here about mustering up the courage, all found with the handy search function.
Hey, well, tonight I told him I wanted to break up and all my feelings about everything that had happened.
He started crying really bad and beggining for me not to do this and that he was sooo sorry and that he'd never do that again, and that it wasn't the real him. He said that's not him, the way he acted and he doesn't know why he acted like that.
He said he was going to go get help with a counselor he knows. (He had a counselor a few years back) and he is going to go see them and get help. He said he would ask him how to control his sex urges and I told him that's not all you need help with it. And so I told him he also needed to ask his counselor about his controlling issues with me and his temper, then his sexual urges he can't seem to control.
What do you guys think? If he is seeking help and all, should I still break up with him, or see him through the help like he wants? He said he couldn't do both alone. He said he couldn't deal with losing me as his girlfriend and seeking help all by himself. (No, he is't going to do anything crazy, at least, I dont think so.)
So, he says he can't handle it all by himself...so now what do I do? Do I see him through and stay by his side...or leave him?
The thing is, it's possible that if you stay together, he may not get the help he needs because you'll be giving into his demands. You need to draw the line somewhere and because you care for him the way you do, it could be very hard to keep boundaries while he's getting help.
The break up can be the real shaker, the real clue that gets him to the help he needs. You could stick by him while he gets through it, but it's a very gray area that could turn out all wrong.
I understand what you're saying. I told him I'd only stay with him if he got help. If he doesn't get the help within this week, it's over for good. Posts: 31 | Registered: Jun 2004
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Thing is, a sound counselor would most likely suggest he is NOT in a relationship during counseling for these sorts of issues, too.
And really, if he's getting counseling, it should be for HIM not for you, and he needs it whether he's in a relationship with you or not. Saying you have to be there for him to do that sounds pretty mainpulative to me.
Striking bargains, with behaviour this extreme, is just really dicey. If he can't handle this by himself, he needs to rely on other aspects of his support system right now: friends, family, not someone he is being abusive towards. That's neither your role, your place, nor are you the best person to help, not by a long shot.
Actually, saying he'll only get help if you stay with him sounds very much like another method of controlling you.
Judging by your previous posts, he's made many promises to change in the past:
quote:If I tell him I'm breaking up with him because of his controllingness and such, he will freak, because I have before and he always says ' How am I controlling you? " and my answers aren't usually good enough, and he just says I will change baby, I will change,
And frankly, the issue isn't about "sexual urges".
As a rational human being, he's already perfectly capable of controlling his sexual urges. It's not his "urges" which are making him try to pressure you into unwanted sex, or ignore you when you say "no".
And his "urges" have nothing to do with him forbidding you to see your friends, yelling at you, etc. etc.
It really sounds as if, for all his promises to get help, he still isn't acknowledging what the problem is with his behaviour, or taking responsibility for it.
quote:it wasn't the real him.
Unless his body has been taken over by aliens , what he does is the real him.
And the first thing that any decent counsellor will ask of him is that he take responsibility for his own actions. Because unless he's prepared to do that, no therapy will go anywhere.
how did i get into something so deep? i have never prepared to deal with someone like this. This is so hard. I just have to break up with him, and it's so hard. Because i care a lot about him, but wow, i dont want to be around someone like this.
:-( thx for all the help, you have really helped me realize just exactly what im dealing with here. im going to do my best to talk with him and really set him straight.
I just talked to him -- he is soo stubborn. He is begging me not to do this and well, he said he was making an appointment tomorrow to see his counselor. He said we should not see each other while he is getting the help, we could just talk on the phone, and he said, at the end of his counseling, he wanted me to come in with him to see his counselor so his counselor could explain to me what all he has done to improve.
What do you guys think? I told him it wasn't my place to be there and that it wasnt my place to help him. And he said I'm not asking you to help me, all i'm asking is that you just come in with me at the end and let him explain it to you what all i've done to get better.
He was like, please just don't break up with me, i'm doing everything i can to save us now, and i will do anything i have to.
Gosh, what do I do now? I told him I didn't want to talk with his counselor that it wasn't my problem and not my place, and i told him to talk to his mom anout this, not me, and he said heck no, i could never explain this to her. he said he cant trust any of his friends with this, because they have big mouths. He said im the only one he can trust, and the only one he feels comfortable talking with about it.
ugh, HELP, sorry I know you guys must be sick of me by now and my stupid problems! :-( They aren't any fun for me either.
BTW - I went to the gyno today.. I'm good to go with new BC pills. *woot* :-D
Did his COUNSELOR suggest that? Because I SERIOUSLY doubt it.
I also seriously doubt a counselor would suggest he stay in a relationship right now, or that you stick by when this person has very recnetly coerced you into sex (he been honest with the counselor about that)?
How about you process your OWN stuff right now? Limits, boundaries: set them and keep them. YOU aren't his counselor, and if he is seeing one, again, they'd have made that clear to him.
So, what you say is this: No. practice it, babe, live it, learn it. No. It's a good word to know how to use when you need to.
You are not his parent. He is, essentially, asking you to act like one and he is ALSO disregarding YOUR needs. YOU need to process this stuff and YOU have aspects of this that need care. You shouldn't be making any future promises or agreements right now, and he needs counseling not to prove something to you, but for him. This isn't about you at all., his issues, and him ttrying to make you think it is is manipulative and crappy. Enabling him to do things for himself for you -- or letting him believe they are -- is actually likely to make sure he doesn't do very well in counseling.
So what you say now is no. You reiterate once more than you need and want a split (perhaps reminding him as to WHY and that YOU were half this relationship and need to take care of yourself as well), and that you need at least some time -- say a few weeks -- without contact to process that before you can figure out if you're up for bring friends.
No he has had NO contact with his counselor at all yet. He said he was going to call him tomorrow.
He said we shouldn't see each other the entire time he is getting help and just talking on the phone, and then we see each other at the end of everything and for me to go in with hm with the counselor.
I don't want to see his counselor, I'm not the way who is crazy...maybe crazy for staying with him this long, but other than that, I'm the saniest person you'll meet. I don't need a counselor to discuss my problems, I'm a very private person i don't just tell my problems to just anyone. I hate being judged. The only reason I'm on here is because I can get help and stay annoymous. ;-)
I'm seeing him tonight and I'm going to tell him I'm just not going to do it.
But the thing is, what do I do after he's gotten the help? He is going to say I've gotten help and now we can be good again and start over....do I listen to that and try and give him another chance? Or do I just keep my ground and say NO we are finished? This will be the hardest breakup of my life.
WHOAH there. can we please watch the value judgments on who sees or needs counseling?
One, "crazy" is comepletely cruel terminology for people with anxiety or depression, or those with behaviour problems, and for those working through tough issues. if everyone who uses counseling services is "crazy," you'd be amazed at how many public figured people really idolize and respect would fall under that umbrella. LOTS of people want or need therapy or counseling at some point, plenty of whom are completely well-adjusted and just like having an objective party to process issues with.
In other words, for the same reasons you're using this site.
You do not have to have the conversation after he's gotten help for himself at all, especially when you make clear that you have no interest in him doing it for you, because you are terminating this relationship. If he needs and wants it, he needs to do that for HIMSELF. After all, his issues aren't going to go away when you're gone or when he's with a new partner. besides, even thinking about that conversation assumes he'll even GO into counseling and stick with it, something which, given wall you've posted about him so far, I'd be willing to bet isn't even going to happen.
Driving yourself nuts over unlikely scenarios in the future is neither productive nor helpful. Do only those things you need to do NOW, and then start taking care of YOU and your residual issues from all of this for a change, rather than parenting a partner who has manipulated you and treated you really poorly.
You're not his parent: you owe him neither unconditional love nor constant, one-sided care.
I'm really sorry. I used a very bad choice of words when I was explaining that. He is not crazy. I'm just so worked up and confused right now. I didn't use my best judgement when describing the situation and I take full responsibility for that and I apologize to anyone whom I may have offended. Forgive me please.
I care so much about him and I just don't know how this relationship will pan out at all. I've told him I think he needs some professional attention and he agreed. And I believe he will do it.
I'm just going to leave it at that, because I really don't know what to say anymore and I believe you all have helped me to the best of your abilities and you have really opened my eyes. I guess now it's all up to me on what happens. I just want to thank you all for your support and helping me through this. I'm very grateful for that.
Just when I thought I was finished posting about this, I just remembered something he said tonight that I needed some opinions on.
Tonight he said I was making a big deal about it, saying I was acting like he raped me, and held me down and forced me. He said that everything he has ever done for me should count for something and that I should give him some credit. He said 90% of our relationship was happiness and that the other 10% was our problems and that I just only focus on the bad, not the good.
He said I was making a big deal about it because the way I was talking about it, he said I was making it out to seem like he raped me when he didn't, and I was just telling him, I am just trying to get my feelings out to you, I'm just trying to get you to understand how I feel about what happened, and he said he understood and that he was really sorry and that he is doing everything he can to keep us together and that, that should count for something. That he buys and does whatever I want him to do and that should count....is he right? Should everything he has done for me in the past count? Do I really need to give him credit at a time like this?
I'm sooo sorry for going on like this, I know you're probably saying, what is so hard about breaking up? But for me, it's just tough...i don't want to regret this, i just want help with it and i want to know what's right. I have no idea what to do really. With all the advice that has been so greatly helpful to me, I'm still just so confused on what to do with him.
Whether or not you chose your words badly, you conveyed your feelings. And you've both establised that he needs help.
Different people have given you the opinion that staying with him while he gets help right now is probably a bad idea. And it's not the fact that you care for him, it's that you're so close to the situation, the fact that you are involved in these problems so heavily that means he needs to sort things out on his own before he can sort things out with you.
Credit is a hard thing, but I think that it's fair to say that you can't buy love or respect. Both are things you earn. I could understand him calling credit better if there were no problems and you wanted to break up, but not in this situation.
The point is that he thinks he can make up for all the cruddy times by buying you stuff , etc. when life doesn't really work this way. There are some things that can only be overcome and not made up for.
So 90% of the time has been good and 10% lousy? That doesn't necessarily make up for it either. It's like risk factors. Sometimes the risk just isn't worth it no matter how loe the chance.
Rape doesn't have to be physically violent. And whether or not you classify what happened between you two as rape, you were coerced into a situation that you didn't want to be in at the time. I personally would call it rape.
Bottom line, you won't necessarily have to break up with him forever. But from everything you've said on the boards, he does need help and it doesn't sound like being with him while he gets help is worth it. I know you don't want to regret anything, but I think that there's a better chance of you regretting staying with him at this point than there is of you regretting that you parted ways for a while.
Here's the big question I'd posit to you: has he yet taken ANY real accountability for his behaviour (and that doesn't mean saying sorry)? Has he simply said that he RECOGNIZES he has been both trying to control and mainpulate you and that he coerced you into sex after you stating MANY time you did not want to have sex? Has he admitted not respecting your no? Has he offered to help YOU get help processing these things or asked what YOU need, only for yourself?
And if he's done any of that, do you think he would if you were NOT suggesting a breakup? Did he, for instance, suggest putting himself in counseling for any of this well before this?
If you feel unable to make limits and boundaries and keep them, or unable to part from this person if you want to, for you, or to sincerely help yourself, then at this point you may need extra in-person help from friends and family, or from a partner abuse counselor or social worker, and I'd earnestly suggest you seek it out.
(fixed a link is all ~gg)
[This message has been edited by Gumdrop Girl (edited 06-17-2004).]
It's not surprising. I'm not saying that he's right or anything, I just kind of understand the thought process.
OK, so to recap the situation, he's done a lot of stuff that's hurt you and you can see that he needs help, and from all the advice coming from everywhere, you know that you need to be away from him while he's getting the help he needs. The trick is, he doesn't see that.
You've got him to admit that he needs help, and that's a good step. But one of the ways that I think he's seeing the situation is this: He understands on some level that he hurt you. But he believes that being sorry for it and being sweet to you otherwise is enough. It really isn't, but he doesn't see that. And since he said that he would get help, he's probably assuming that the relationship will get better as things progress.
And then there are his control issues as another viewpoint. He obviously really wants to stay with you. If he believes you hate him and he tells you that, then the only way in his mind to prove that idea wrong is for you to stay with him. And it could even be possible that he would agree to getting help just so you'll stay with him.
The problem with all this is is that you'll just reinforce his way of thinking (more than likely it's subconscious), and he won't be getting the help he needs.
The whole point is that he's not seeing the situation as you do or as anyone else here who has posted does. He has a completely different perspective more thank likely due his control issues.
quote:Originally posted by DeeplyTroubled: :-( My boyfriend thinks I hate him when I don't. What's going on with him? I don't understand where this is coming from?
this is what i'd call emotional blackmail. it's a common tactic abusive partners use to control their mates. he says you hate him because he knows you'll try to prove you don't. and a common pitfall of this is trying to prove it by caving into his demands (which lets him continue to be abusive). the flipside of this is to use "love" to get the partner to submit. for example, "you want to spend some time with your family? then you must not love me anymore, because if you loved me, you wouldn't need to see anyone else."
at any rate, it's one more way this guy refuses to take responsibility for his actions. He refuses to recognize that he's doing something wrong by being controlling, and as a result, he won't fix the problem. Instead, he puts the burden on your and accuses you of hating him. That's so much easier than changing bad habits, isn't it?
so what do you do? you be strong amd recognize that this is not a relationship to stay in. and be firm in saying that you don't hate him, but you can't stay with him if he's going to be controlling. then you tell him he needs big time meotional overhaul before he can have a healthy relationship with you or anybody else.
Yes, I totally understand what you're saying. And when I told him that he would of never got the help if I hadn't suggested it to him, he agreed with me, sort of. We saw his counselor a long time ago at the store and he told him then he wanted to stop by and talk to him, so he has been using that against me now.
I 100% agree with what you're saying and it all makes sense. He just thinks he sees it my way when I know he doesn't. And he thinks that going to a counselor will make everything good again between us and things will be perfect with progress. I don't. I can still see him being the same person, but he completely disagrees with me. He says that's what the counseling is for, and I just don't see it happening that he will change just like that. It's not in him to change. I don't doubt he could, because I know he could if he tried, but I know he really doesn't want to, he is just going to the counselor to prove to me he'd do it, not because he wants to.
The links that are in the above posts about the Sexual Asault and Emotional Abuse Check list I visited them. I showed him the sexual asault one to him, and he was like, I hardly think I did that to you, and I told him I was like, do you think you're invisible to that? Did you not think you were capable of doing that to me? And he blew it off, but he later was realizing he really did.
As for the checklist - I took it and he matched so many of those questions and I talked to him about it, but I never showed him the site.
Thanks for all the advice and help, I'd be lost without this site and all your support, thank you!
Ok, well, tonight my boyfriend said if I felt so hurt by it and really wanted to talk to someone about it, that he suggested I seek a counselor too, well, little does he know I have been..sort of, I've been talking to you all.
Should I tell him? Should I maybe print the pages out on my posts and all and show him? I think if he read it though, he'd totally freak out and be extremely upset and hurt.
But it was the only way I knew how to get help and advice, because I really like this site and what you have to say.
i just thought maybe it'd show some more insight on everything and really see what i'm going through and all, but i guess it's really not a good idea, because if i do show him, things could just get worst, i dont know how he'd react to it and i dont want to hurt his feelings even more than they already are or cause more pain for him personally.
i guess it's just better to let that alone --- which means i shouldn't tell him i come here and post, because i wouldn't want him to come here and read it all without talking to me about it first and get mad and never talk to me about it.
i really am fine about things i dont think i need an in person counselor, i think i've really gotten through this and even though im still upset and hurt, talking it all out with you all has helped me a lot and i believe i will be just fine.
i really love this site and love you all for helping me out like this, i don't know where else i could of got such great support without going to my family about this, but this just isn't one of those things i want to go running to mom about even though i probably should, but im a teen and i think this is the last thing i want to discuss with my mom about. so thank you all so much!
GumpDrop Girl -- I'd seriously donate a $1 to Scarleteen if I had any money! I'd probably donate a million dollars! :-)
That's the thing about counseling sometimes. It costs money. But if you think it might help you at all, I woud reccomend it. I did for a while since it was part of my tuition and fees at the ocunseling center at my college and it did wonders for me.
And I know you've had a load of support here so if you did go to counseling it may not be for long. It may just refine the rough spots, you know?
The thing about counseling that helped me was that it helped me recognize a lot of patterns that I didn't see even when talking to others. I had a good handle on things and I got through a lot of stuff on my own, but I always went through the same cycle of things. Counseling helped me to break those cycles.
As far as showing your boyfriend these pages, I wouldn't reccomend it. Wherever you're getting your counseling from, it's a very personal thing that's really nobody's business but yours.
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