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Author Topic: not a real emergency, but fast help please?
pyro_angel
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i am well educated. i know all about abusive relationships and cycles and all that, they taught us all of it inschool. but in real life, its not all theory and pie charts and quizes. its real, and its not that easy. okay. i think im in a developing abusive relationship. no physical or sexual stuff, at all. but twice now, he's yelled at me for small stuff, i dont think i deserved it...i mean, i didnt just like, stand there and all of a sudden he freaked at me, but it wasnt like i cut off his testes or anything. so my issues are: 1. do i talk t him about this? 2. why do i feel like i couldnt even consider breaking up with him? and 3. if i do talk to him, how do i start that conversation? please...help me out?

<edit> i..okay..hes really stressed with school and stuff right now too, its not an easy time for either of us, school is tough, but i also know that making excuses for him isnt always good..i just need some help?

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[This message has been edited by pyro_angel (edited 04-19-2004).]


Posts: 593 | From: Kamloops, BC, Canada | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anita18
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Nobody said it was going to be easy. We just have checklists and tips and whatnot just so it would be easier to distinguish if you are in an abusive relationship or not. But nobody said it was going to be easy.

In this case, he's being verbally abusive - you're unsure of what to do because the abuse isn't very obvious (ie he hit you). But in all cases, if you want to salvage the relationship, and if he hasn't gone too far, you really really should talk to him. Maybe he doesn't realize you're being hurt by his behavior; maybe his own anger and frustration has blinded him to considering your feelings. But if you don't talk to him, he'll just assume that you're okay with it and he'll probably do it again.

I don't know if there's a right way to enter a conversation about this subject, but I do know it's important NOT to blame him directly. It will only force him to go on the defensive and then nothing will get accomplished. Instead, I would say, "Remember that time when you got upset because I did blah blah blah? I don't understand how what I did upset you so much, but please explain, because I'd like to know." This way, you can hear him out, and then after he's explained his point of view, you can give yours. If he absolutely refuses to listen to you, that really isn't a good sign, because relationships are all about communication.


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pyro_angel
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its only happend twice. sorta sounds to me like u think this might not be abuse, just miscommunication, or abuse that can be worked thru...the VERY last thing i want is to get out the the relaitonship...but if talking doesnt work??

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Posts: 593 | From: Kamloops, BC, Canada | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Anita18
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Well yelling at you is abuse, so I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on that. I was just saying it's not as obvious as if he threw you against a wall and threatened to kill you. Once, I can probably forgive, but twice, that probably means he's going to do it again.

Really, I feel that if you can't talk to him about this, you shouldn't be in a relationship with this guy. You have to talk to this guy first before thinking of alternatives, because talking is the best way of finding out what is going on in his mind. If you can't talk to him face-to-face, giving him a letter or an email or an IM is fine too, as long as you get your feelings across. I actually prefer the written word to spoken since I feel I can communicate better that way, so you can do whatever works for you. But seriously, whenever something's bugging me, no matter how trivial or upsetting, talking with my bf about it always makes me feel TONS better. Good luck!


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Heather
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Just a quick comment: every now and then, sometimes people yell when they're upset, same way some folks cry.

And that doesn't make the yelling person abusive necessarily. A better way to have an eye out for an abusive situation or an abuser is to look at what is being said and how, in what context, what other behaviours have been going on.

Yelling can be a tricky one: I know I have had partners who were emotional bottlers and stoics who I ASKED to yell, because silence and dirty looks, passive-agressive behavior, slamming doors or stomping feet were driving me batty, and they clearly needed to release their frustration in some clear way and it was a means to get tham to start talking about what was bothering them. To boot, plenty of people are simply louder than others, or are reared in environments were yelling was normalized.

In a situation like this, you can simply say "Hey, don't yell at me, or take your frustrations with something else out on me. I don't like it, and it's hurtful. You're clearly frustrated about X or Y, so let's talk about it instead."

If he's responsive to that, great. If he's not, or the yelling becomes common, and/or other behaviours start to crop up. that's not okay.

But one thing to bear in mind -- whenever you're in a relationship where you NOT being in it is something you cannot even consider, might be smart to start examining that.


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pyro_angel
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well. i talked to him for a long time last night about all this, and i think you're right scarlet, he just gets angry and stressed, and yells. its a release. i'm not in a great place emotionnally right now, for various reasons, so im a little extra sensitive. i've considered the idea that maybe i shouldnt be in a relationship at all right now, but he seems to think he can handle me and all the trouble i bring along. we'll stick with it and make sure that it doesnt escalate into something worse than yelling, thats my main fear. anywayz, ill keep you posted.

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Posts: 593 | From: Kamloops, BC, Canada | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Okay, but the thing is, he can modify that behaviour.

In other words, he needs to yell? Okay. So he can learn to go in another room, where you aren't, or outside, and let'er rip. And you can -- and should -- ask for things like that if yelling is NOT something you're comfortable with, or if it makes you upset.

I mean: one of my releases is punching things. So, when I need that release, I go down to my boxing studio and whale on a bag. Even considering punching walls or a person wouldn't be appropriate or okay.

It's usually easy to find a way to take what is a healthy release for one partner, but not another, to an acceptable form or place. Takes some adjusting and that takes time, but do ask for it, and do fully expect that request to be honored.


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pyro_angel
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i have asked that he make an effort not to yell or raise his voice at me. and he has agreed to try his best, and in turn, i will try to learn what irritates him and try not to do those things. we're ging to work together and see if we can figure something out. any more tips on how to do this? and thanks for everything, by the way

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Posts: 593 | From: Kamloops, BC, Canada | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Truth?

I'm feeling a little funny about the way you've framed this.

In short: it's not up to YOU to control his yelling. It's up to him.

Sure, if you do things -- just like if he did with you -- that grate on him in a pet peevy sort of way, or that make him upset, that's normal couple stuff to work out. But working that stuff out isn't the way to work on his yelling, because that's all his to work on, not yours.

In other words: let's again play with the punching motif. If my girlfriend, let's say, yelled for my from the kitchen, when I'd prefer she walked to where I was and said whatever she was saying, and when she shouted across my place it made me want to punch the kitchen wall, which isn't apropos or okay, it wouldn't be up to her to fix that by not shouting across the living room. It'd be up to me to walk my butt down to the studio to punch a bag or learn to let that go a bit, and up to her -- NOT to cease my punching, but just to make me more comfortable overall -- to try to come find me to say something.

make sense?


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pyro_angel
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definately. i get what you're saying, and ill keep that in mind. this relationship stuff is so confusing *Sigh* but yeah, its his deal, i get that. but i cant expect perfection immediately , can i?

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Heather
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Hey, we're talking about human beings. One can never expect perfection.

But you can, and should, expect a good deal of effort from a partner in correcting behaviours like that.

After all, learning to walk outside when one gets upset? Hardly a big challenge.


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pyro_angel
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thanks for all the help. i owe you guys one...

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Posts: 593 | From: Kamloops, BC, Canada | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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