Ok, My ex-boyfriend of a year and a half, we split up (obviously) because of him demanding time away from my family and the things i love to do, and we split because of him being disrespectful to my parents and his and my family, he was yelling at me and we fought quite a bit on and off about little things. But the thing is.. his dad beat him as a child put him in a corner and just beat the living crap out of him and his mom, then they got a divorce. I've known him for almost 8 years now, and he's always been my bestfriend. He's always been the biggest sweetheart and respectful and perfect. he was like that for a whole half year of our relationship, and then last summer his dad owed them probably 11,000 dollars for the house and etc, so he filed bankruptcy so he didn't have to pay it after he promised my ex boyfriend that he would pay it. His father means the world to him and he's deeply hurt by him almost everyday mentally not physically anymore. So Trent was devistated, and he slowly started to change into this demanding, mean, yelling, disrespectful boy that I never knew, and he kept making me cry more and more, he kept promising me it would get better and after christmas this year we started to fight more and more and i cried more and more, i got depressed and he'd get upset with me b/c i wasn't happy, and finally i ended up in the hospital b/c of my passing out episodes with anxiety and stress and depression, he was right there with me. Everything was fine. He took it easy on me after i got out of the hospital for about a month and things started to get bad again.. i started mentioning a break and all he would do was cry, and then finally i had given up.. i thought i wanted out of it so i kept trying to leave him but my heart fell short with the guts to do it. And when i did, it hurt more than anything in the whole wide world.. i felt relieved but deeply hurt b/c i loved him more than anything. I believe that fate brought us together and i still believe that. The way he made me smile and laugh was just incrdible. We were perfect together until the anger started. We're still really good friends and it's been almost 3 months since we parted and it's still impossible to bare. All I can think about is the way he loved me and made me feel which was incredible. I want to get back with him b/c he wants to show me that he's changed, but I'm scared and my parents and family hate him because of the way he treated me in the end, my mom could forgive him but i don't know about my dad. I just wish i knew after a year what are the guidelines.. i mean.. do you build your life around them? Do you change what your going to do because of them? etc I want to know if i should get back with him regaurdless of what everyone else thinks about him, how i can prove he's not that bad. I was with someone after me and him broke up, a good friend and I just couldn't do it. THere was too many things about everything that were my ex. So i left b/c i knew no matter how i tried... this guy wasn't going to be what trent was.. no one will. please help me!
Posts: 41 | From: Michigan,USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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The tricky thing is, that with peopple who have anger management problems and are abusive or borderline abusive, while that side of them may appear to "not be them" or be someone else than who you feel their real self is, it often IS part of them and part of their real self. It's very uncommon for people to enter into relationships as abusive or angry. It's a far more common pattern for that to evolve over time. And what you've descirbed here is textbook in terms of fitting typical abusive patterns.
Frankly? I'd say he can show you how he's changing, how he's managing his anger, how he's working on these issues only as a friend. And I wouldn't advise you (or anyone else) enter back into a close relationship with someone in that space until you've had a LONG time to watch them outside of it.
He may have reasons for being how he is, we all do, but that doesn't forgive the behaviour, nor does that make it go away, love.
As well, it sounds to me like you could use more space to step back. If we want to be with someone because it's "impossible" to be without them, that's not love, it's codependence. All of us can be on our own or without a given partner, we can. And we need to be able to do that, and need to be able to choose to people because we want to be with them, not because we can't bear being without them.
It's also worth realizing that people change. It mmay well be that Trent may never be who Trent was agaain, either.
I know looking at all these thinngs is really hard, but I'd suggest you really do look deeply at them for a sizeable amount of time before you even start to consider pursuing a relationship again with this person.
I'm sorry you are missing your exboyfriend so much, but I really think you should listen to your head and not get back together with him-- your heart will thank you eventually, as much as it's hurting now.
It sucks about his dad's abuse towards him, but this is something he needs to confront and stop taking out on you-- just because his dad hurt him does NOT gives him the right or excuse to abuse you.
I was in an abusive relationship in high school-- my parents didn't know everything that was going on, but when they found out about a pregancy scare, they snapped into action. I hated them for a long time for not letting me see him and keeping such a close eye on me, but now I am so grateful that they did. They had seen signs of abuse (I don't mean the possible pregancy, I'm talking more in general) that I hadn't seen because I thought I cared about him so much. For a long time I felt lonely and depressed-- it took me a year to get over him, as well as another bad relationship decision, but getting away from him was the best thing I could do. So, you may be upset at your dad for not forgiving him, but remember that your dad's really loves and is concerned for you!
After all, love should not be painful-- if your relationship made you so depressed that you had to be hopitalized, I think going back would be a bad decision.
As I said, it took me a long time to get over him, or even to be interested in other guys again, but this is something you should do for yourself, because you have to love and care for yourself first and foremost, before you can help others.
I'd say your exboyfriend definitely needs to get some professional help, but that's not up for you to do. Avoid seeing or talking or having any contact with him, because it will bring back old emotions and make the process so much more difficult-- I don't mean forever, but at least for a couple months and maybe not at all if he refuses to deal with his problems constructively. Stay busy with friends and family and hobbies. It is going to be hard but you will eventually get over him one day and probably be so glad you didn't go back!
------------------ "Tear up the cloak of indifference that you have wrapped around your hearts! Make up your minds before it is too late!" ~Sophie Scholl
[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 06-26-2003).]
Can either one of you tell me the warning signs of the abuse and etc? Mental & Physical Abuse warning signs? That would be nice so I don't run into it again, thanks.
Posts: 41 | From: Michigan,USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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Well, it's not really a cut and dried sort of thing, because it varies a lot from person to person.
But some things that send off signals to watch out for are:
- Anger management problems. In other words, a partner loses one's temper very quickly and lashes out verbally, emotionally or physically (and that may even start with thinngs like the purposeful slamming of doors, stomping of feet, punching or kicking walls, etc.). This is worth watching especially when that happens over very seemingly small or insignificant things, or when you ask for reasonable courtesies. Included in emotional abuse signs are things like someone calling a partner names (like stupid or ugly, etc.).
- Patterns of doing some of the above, followed by lots of apologies or beahviour to try and make up for the ugly stuff. promises the abuse will stop also loom large in the warning signs.
- Having a different public appearance than a private one.
- People who are abusive also tend to slowly limit a partners contact with friends or family, socially isolating them. They may also be jealous of same.
You also want to keep an eye on YOU. People who are inclined to be codependent are going to be more likely to end up with abusive partners, because those partners appear to need their help so badly. Trauma forms an intense bond, there's no denying that, and it's easy to mistake that bond for a more healthy one. As well, abusive people can be especially addictive, for lack of a better word, because they'll often really pull out all the stops to be super-nice after abusive behaviours.
Without sounding dismissive, heroin makes people feel incredible and amazing when they're on it, too. But that doesn't mean it's a good thing or that it isn't toxic, and it's toxicity is -- whether its recognized or not -- part of the appeal. So, while it's important to recognize signs in someone else, it's just as important to start to look at your own suceptibility to them..
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