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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » is my bf a jerk?

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Author Topic: is my bf a jerk?
Member # 7519

Icon 5 posted      Profile for prettykitty     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
advice please!!! I'm 19 and have a boyfriend(21yrs old) whom I've been dating for about a year. the only thing is he's a total asshole to everyone else except me. Towards me, he's a perfect angel. I get nothing but kisses, "i love you"s, presents, hugs, compliments and sweet concerns. however to the rest of the world, he's a total jerk. I've watched him yell at his parents, throw temper-tantrums over the most minute topics, punch holes in the wall, slam doors, throw objects, and shout and cuss like a sailor. He'll throw a fit and then sulk all day if he and a friend get in a dispute. And at stores he'll cause such a fuss (over little things like if his credit card won't work) that he'll terrorify the poor girls at the register. However, towards me he's never even raised his voice. when we argue or disagree, he's always sensitive to my emotions and almost always lets me get my way. I've asked him what the deal is and he says that it's just that he's got a short temper, and doesn't have any patience with most people, but that he always has patience for me and always will.
Help!! What is it with this guy? Should I be concerned that he's a jerk to everyone else if he's good to me? Is this just a immature phase that he'll eventually grow out of? Or is it likely that in the future i'll be subject to his rants and raves? Should I put up with this guy?
(to clarify, the reason that i've been dating him a year, and only complaining now is because 1. we just recently moved in together, so i'm a lot more exposed to his temper then i used to be. 2. he's been throwing fits non-stop lately cuz he hates his new job.)
help me!!

Posts: 8 | From: sac, ca, usa | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8384

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SirenRose     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
this is kind of a toughie. so he's nice to you...but is a jerk to the remainder of the population which consumes 99.99999...% of the world. hmmm... what if you two get married? (what if...) will he have enough patience for your little-ones? (assuming that you will have little ones) take into consideration that the "best way to judge your boyfriend is how he treats his mother."<--sex ed teacher. okay so he treats you fine right now, but who knows? maybe soon he will loose his temper and not be fine anymore. i would talk to him about it..and tell him your worries. hope i helped

*~remember the only thing we need sometimes are chilly nights and warmer thighs, cuz nothing is like being held...sometimes*~

Posts: 138 | From: ur dreams | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, even if he treats you fine, his behaviour towards others DOES clearly effect you. And if he keeps it up and you stay together, it may effect you even further, especially if he starts to behave this way towards your friends, family, your landlord, his boss, and so forth.

And you're right -- in the future, he may well end up acting this way towards you as well.

I'd suggest you have a talk with him, and that he might want to consider some counseling to learn some anger management. This kind of behaviour isn't acceptable or normal at 20. It's barely aacceptable at 5.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5036

Icon 1 posted      Profile for DarlingBri     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hon, you have a partner who exhibits abusive behaviour and problems with anger management.

Today, it's the store clerk. Next, it might be you.

The number of women who tell the same story over and over again is sickening: the signs were there, but the abuse didn't begin until they were married, or tried to break up.

Your partner is abusive. He may not be abusing you -- yet -- but life is too short to spend it with people who may very well pose a danger to you.

Hope this helps,

Posts: 848 | From: London, UK | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8854

Icon 2 posted      Profile for angelicmadrigal     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well I can't say your boyfriend's behavior is appropriate. However, I can say, as a person who has a HORRID temper (and explosive behavioral disorder to boot)that just because a person has characteristics of being abusive ( hitting walls, fits of rage over "nothing", etc...) does not mean that person will become abusive towards you. The chances are HIGHER, but are not garunteed.

You disapprove of his behavior? Tell him so, in the most helpful way you can. Maybe something like, "Honey, sometimes the way you treat other people upsets me. Is there something that is bothering you? How can I help?" His lack of anger management skills really seems to be a problem for you. That might be something to suggest as well. Maybe there is a "class" or seminar you two could do TOGETHER that deals with anger management. It sounds like your both really stressed too. There any type of stress management thing you could do while you are at it? If he really is as sweet to you as you say, and concerned about your feelings and happiness as well as his own well being he will look into it at some point.

I would suggest though if things become worse you consider leaving the relathionship until he decides to get help on his own.

Posts: 100 | From: Ohio | Registered: Jun 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7964

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Angel_Kisses     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hun I have never seen a person in the watching seat..It is usally the recieveing bench..
If he scares you and you are afraid to be around him when he has a temper..TELL HIM.. If you 2 get married in the future he might think that he ownes you and what he is doing to the world he might do to you..
Tell him he scares you when he gets mad and you are afarid to be around when he has a temper..From what you have said he will probably be understanding..
Now i cant tell you if he is a jerk or not because i dont know him,but FOLLOW your heart..That is the main thing in a relationship..

Posts: 52 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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