Hey all, this is gonna be really long but I'm confused and I think I'm being a bad girlfriend or something.. but anyway here it goes:
Me and Brad constantly fight.. about EVERYTHING, even if it's just little things like how I talk to my guy friends. Recently, the problems we had got so bad to where I couldn't talk about it with him b/c he would always make an argument out of it.. and I just couldn't take that again. So, me and my ex Mike (who is one of my best guy friends) went to Caribou and I told him about all our problems, and since he's a good listener he told me to talk to Brad about it and figure out why he is so argumentative etc. We talked about it and he got jealous b/c I did something with my guy friend and he thought I was cheating on him when I wasn't. After he told me, he asked all his friends if they thought it was fishy that I did something with my friend ALONE and they said yea it was fishy and they thought he should dump me. Then when he was talking to his cousin yesterday she said that he should dump me b/c it seems like I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm kind of just going out with Brad so I can have some action, which is totally not true. Also, after I told him I had a *thing* with another ex of mine he told me that he wanted a girlfriend who won't get so defensive when he says things, won't get mad when he's "talking" to other girls (even when both of us know he's flirting), someone who will show more of her love towards him and someone who will act like she cares about him. I show him that I love him and care for him but he always say it's not enough, and I don't know how much more I can give him. Everyone says I need to talk to him about it but I try to,, and he always makes a fight out of it. I personally don't think it's a healthy relationship if we're constantly fighting and he can't accept what I give him. Does anyone have any advice so I can show more of my love to him if we can't communicate well? Is there any way I can make him accept what I'm giving him or is this not a relationship for me to be in?
While the final decision about what you do is up to you, personally I dont believe this relationship is healthy. Communication is really important in a loving relationship and it doesnt seem like you have much of it. He seems to have problems with you, such as that you are defensive and doesnt seem to hold a lot of trust in you. You say that you want to show him more love, but do you realy love him? You even say yourself that you dont believe it is a healthy relationship. If you really want to make things work you NEED to talk to him. If you cant communicate what you feel then, well maybe it is time to weigh up your options more seriously. good luck and remember it is up to you what you do, not me or anyone else here at scarleteen
DUMP THIS GUY RIGHT NOW!!!!!! your right its not a healthy relationship to be in...i was in a similar one myself, and i was so much happier when i dropped him that it isnt funny!!!!!!!!! so all i can say is...the final descion is yours..but if i was in your place id drop him like a hot potato
Posts: 63 | From: australia | Registered: Feb 2002
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Only you can decide if you can continue your relationship. Try reading your own post a couple of times, though. Are you happy with the way things are? Do you really think they are going to change? After all, even if you make an effort, Brad has to be willing to work at it, too.
It doesn't sound to me like you are being a "bad girlfriend." After all, you are being faithful to Brad and you're trying to figure out a way to make your relationship work. Sometimes, though, a relationship isn't meant to work out no matter how much we try. When and if you decide that's the case, it's time to end things and move on.
I'm with Bubblez. It is, of course, your decision to make, but if I were you I'd be asking myself why I'm willing to put up with such treatment. While I'm not saying that this is definitely the case, I've found that most times when a guy is that possessive and jealous it's because he's doing something wrong himself. Ever heard the saying, "Theives believe everyone steals"? Cheaters believe everyone cheats. Like I said, it doesn't necessarily mean that Brad is definitely cheating on you, but it would make me suspicious. Whether there's cheating going on or not, though, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. There's no communication, or trust. If he trusted you, he'd have no problem with you being with anyone, male or female. Instead of cheating, maybe he doesn't trust you because he's got a low self-esteem and doesn't think that he "deserves" you. Again, not saying this will definitely happen, but when a guy is this possessive and jealous, it could be a warning sign of future abuse. I'm really not trying to scare you. Just trying to give you something to think about while you're deciding whether to stay in this relationship or not. Sounds to me like you're being a fine girlfriend, but I think you could be a fine girlfriend with a different boyfriend.
------------------ Munchy, the Munchkin, the Monchichi
First, and foremost, let's try and not spark feelings of paranoia -- just because he thinks that she could be cheating, doesn't mean that he's cheating.
Honestly, like Moonlight said, only you can decide whether or not you want to continue the relationship. If you really feel for Brad, then you may want to work at the situation. It's entirely possible that he's just one of those people who are inheriantly jealous, and will always be that way. Trust me, a great many of my friends who are girls (almost said girlfriends) have gone through the same situation with their boyfriends, but have made it work, whereas others have dropped them like a bad habit.
Just eveluate your feelings, wants, needs, etc and decide for yourself whether or not you want to continue the relationship.
"Conversation, like certain other portions of anatomy, works best when lubricated." -- the Marquis de Sade (Quills)
Well me and Brad broke up Sunday and he said that we would go back out later in the week. We broke up b/c I suggested a trial separation to see if he really needed to be with me. Wehn I got home today he left a message and I called him back. When I called him he said that he was writing a letter and he expressed all he had written down of how he felt. He said he was really close to breaking up for good b/c I don't show my love for him, and I don't act like I care about him anymore. He said that he feels that he's not the only one in my life anymore. I have told him many times that I love and care for him and that he will be the only one in my life abnd that I would love anyone as much as I love him. Then he said that people have been saying that he should break up with me for good b/c I don't treat him like I love him etc etc. The reason I can't tell him I love him etc is b/c everytime I try to it's like he believes me the first day but then he goes back to the normal " Well I don't think you love me much b/c you never show it" blah blah blah. Also, the reason why he doesn't think I show him I love him is b/c yes our communication isn't that good. Ya know, sometimes I just think that is leading me on somehow by telling me he loves me but then when I don't give him a certaiin thing he wants *like head etc* then he'll be all like "Well you said you wanted to but now that we have the opportunity you don't wanna do it anymore!" Some people think he's manipulating me, trying to control me and leading me on.. even some say that he just wants action. But IDK.. but after really thinking about this I wanna make this relationship work. I need to know what I can do for him to actually prove to him that I want us to be together. Is planning something special for him for the whole day a good thing to do? Could you give me some more ideas of what I could do to actually let him know I care? Are there any ideas for Valentine's Day gifts? Thanks again for all the help!
The thing is, you can't *make* someone have faith in you. According to what you've said, you tell him you love him, and the next day he doesn't believe you. You try to do special things for him, and he says it's not enough. Even if you plan a very special day for him, is he still going to give you credit for it the next week, or is he going to be right back to the same old song and dance about how you don't show you love him enough? Also, it goes both ways. What does HE do to show his love for YOU?
Brad says he feels like he's not the only person in your life. Well gee, he isn't! You have family, friends, schoolwork, and all sorts of other things that SHOULD be a part of your life in order to make you a healthy, well-balanced person. If he can't adjust to that, then he is being both selfish and unrealistic.
You don't say how old you are, but I'd lay odds you've got plenty of time for relationships. Brad isn't the only fish in the sea, and he probably won't be the only person you ever have a relationship with. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with being uninvolved for a while. Who says you can't buy yourself chocolates!
You might try asking yourself if you want THIS relationship to work out or if you just want a working relationship, period. There's a definite difference, although the two could both happen at once.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens and whatever you decide. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for what to give the man who's impossible to please. Just remember that it's possible to give so much of yourself that you have no self left to give, and an empty vessel can't help anyone.
Me and Brad broke up again. We broke up last Sunday and I was really upset.. but obviously that happens. Well, lately he's been telling me that his friends have been saying not to go out with me b/c it would be a big mistake and they are already trying to hook him up with someone.. and get this: *HE'S INTERESTED*. He says he wants to go out again but after "I treated him so bad" he's not sure if he wants to anymore. We've broken up 8 times and whenever we get back together we're fine for the first few weeks and then he just falls into his normal routine: assuming. Whenever he sees me talking to a guy in class he tells me I'm flirting and he tries to get all mad thinking I'll admit I'm flirting, but ya know? I'm not flirting at all. Well anyways, I told him that if he really loved me he would forget about everything people are saying and listen to what his heart is telling him. He said that people have told him so much that he shouldn't go out with me again that it's wearing him down and doesn't know what he wants to do. With what happened with me and my ex in the summer (he made a dumb move and kissed me when I didn't expect it) Brad still calls it cheating even though HE made a move and I didn't kiss back. My mom says it's not cheating but his mom and his friends say it is. I really don't know what to do. He's manipulating my feelings and making too many assumptions for me to handle. If we've broken up this much and he still doesn't believe me that I didn't cheat on him then there's no sense in still trying is there? I mean, am I right? I think I should just give up.. but I don't wanna make a wrong decision ya know? Tell me if ending it for good is the right thing to do?! Thanx --Sorry for all the posts!
Posts: 294 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Jan 2002
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Dumping him for good is the right thing to do.
You say yourself that he's manipulating you, he's blaming you for all the problems in the relationship, and he's trying to control how you interact with other people. These things are all forms of emotional abuse, and you don't have to take it anymore.
Be strong, girl. Walk away and don't look back. You deserve so much better than this.
I have to agree with Laura on the fact that he is manipulating you. He is trying to make you feel bad. If you ask me, this guy is acting like a big baby. He is playing mind games with you. You sound like a sweet girl with a good head on your shoulders and my guess is that you could find a really nice guy who will treat you really good. If Brad cared that much about you he wouldn't be doing this to you. He sounds like one of those guys who isn't happy unless his relationship is an on going Soap-Opera. I think he is also probably emotionally unstable. Do yourself a favor and find a good guy. Breaking up is so hard to do and you will miss him, but in the long run you will find that you are much happier. It is your decision, but I hope you think long and hard about it. I wish you the best of Luck in whatever you decide. .........Keep us posted!!!
Posts: 8 | From: Columbus, Indiana | Registered: Nov 2001
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None of us that post here at scarleteen really know the *true situation. People tend to leave out all of the good things when they're mad and leave out all the bad things when they want to think good of someone. Re-evaluate your situation and your relationship. Find out if what you have done is what you REALLY want to do, or do you enjoy him more than you think. See which one outweighs the other. It's up to you to make the final decision.
I agree with bubblez, dump him. There is something seriously wrong with this guy. You don't want to be with him long term because he sounds like someone who will become abusive one day. Overly possessive now = abusive in the future.
Find someone who is going to respect you and have enough trust in you and your relationship to not jump to insane conclusions when you talk to one of your friends.
I know you might love him, but you're just setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartbreak in the future if you stay with him. Cut your losses, find someone worthy of you.
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