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Author Topic: date rape thoughts
Heather
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(Sorry to always be the lady with the heavy stuff.)

Last night, as I was watching the independent film "Virgin," (tremendous film, by the way, especially given the budget) I found myself, after watching the first rape scene in the film, which happens to the lead character with a boy she very much liked, heart-heavy, thinking...

Why does it always have to be the boys they like?

I say that, because sadly, it very often is. The vast majority of rapes and sexual assaults that occur occur with an assailant known to the victim, many with someone very, very close: a husband, boyfriend, friend, relative. That's always been the case, it likely always will be.

And I, too, had more than one experience in my teenage years where "the boy that I liked," either forced me into some form of sex I did not want or tried to. More than once in my adult years I had a date come very close to moving from nagging and begging and whining to near-force. Hell, I once had a LANDLORD go there in my own apartment.

Being sexually assaulted, or having someone attempt to assult you, is traumatic and terrible in and of itself. But it's in many ways additionally terrible when it is someone you liked romantically or platonically, someone you trusted, someone who you thought liked you, or at the very least, saw you as a person.

You may question your own judgment. You trust your own heart a lot less. You become afraid to fall in love with anyone, perhaps. All the power issues that can get tied up in sex, especially with men in the context of our culture, often amplify. You're less likely to be believed: you're more likely to be called a slut, when in fact, you were a victim. In the case of platonic relationships that turn into rape or attempted rape, you may get the feeling you just aren't safe anywhere: all that advice about not walking home alone at night has a special sort of sting, since you found out that's the least of your worries.

And lordisa, does it just plain hurt.

Thoughts?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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September
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quote:
You may question your own judgment. You trust your own heart a lot less. [...]You're less likely to be believed
Man, are both of those true. I was raped by a close friend of mine. More than anything else, I was just plain disturbed by the fact that I could have been friends with this guy for over a year and not have realized what a scumbag he truly was. Afterwards, thinking over everything that'd happened, all the warning signals were obvious to me. They'd been *there*, I just hadn't seen them. Sometimes I even wonder if I subconsciously chose to ignore them.

What's almost equally as hurtful is that people who know about this (including my *therapist*) tell me that it cannot have been rape because I chose to sleep with him. Yes, I told him that I wanted to have sex with him. Yes, everything up to the actual act was consensual. But then I asked him to stop because things were going in a direction I wasn't comfortable with. I said no repeatedly and loudly. I fought him. And he did not stop. It *felt* like rape to me.

I used to say that people who ended up getting raped by a partner/husband/friend/etc must have lousy judgement or really low self-esteem (which especially seemed like the case to me in instances where women choose to stay with abusive husbands) but ever since it happened to me, I know that that's not a generalization one can make. If you know someone well (or think you do) it's much harder to demonize them because it automatically casts a bad light on you, as well. Consequently, you make conscessions where you would not, normally, and end up putting yourself in danger.

I'd like to say that one should consider that a lesson learned and draw the conclusions - but those would be that you cannot trust anyone because no matter how well you think you know someone, they might still end up hurting you. And I find that a really nasty conclusion to draw because it means closing yourself off from all opportunity to meet someone who is *worth* your trust.

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Johanna
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Ecofem
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I've had experience with this, unfortunately, so I see all the points you've mentioned. I don't know what to say; I could say a lot, but I could condense it to: Gosh, it's hard and confusing and sticks with you forever.

I still look back upon the situation and it's very blurry and extremely painful. It's hard to deal with because it's so confusing and therefore hard to analyze and talk about. Not to even get starters on how many people doubt you or blame the victim.

My sexuality afterwards was certainly effected, basically that I got punished for having natural, healthy sexual interest/desire. I reacted by being the initator of sexual activity afterwards with him, not so much because I wanted it, but because I didn't want to be victimized again. This sounds really stupid to me, but also made perfect sense as to how I went about reacting to it.

My later reaction was to shut off my sexuality, which I did for awhile. I think I've reached a good point, but I still always second-guess myself and my feelings: Am I really interested in this person, or am I just reacting this way out of self-preservation? And I definitely -unintentionally- distance myself emotionally in romantic/sexual relationships whereas I don't in friendships.

I find the motivations of the perpetrator fascinating, perhaps because I just don't understand them at all. I understand how "strong women" can easily fall into the trap. The stage is set over time, the process of breaking down and overstepping boundaries is so gradual that the woman doesn't realize it; saying "no" is hard, or his actions don't even seem wrong anymore but totally normal.

Do these men like feeling in power, do they not realize what they are doing? I know from personal experience of men who painted themselves as the victims of women's accusations; instead of admitting their own wrongdoing, they pushed off the feelings and guilt on others. These men were 17 and 18, I wonder how could they be so young and appear so upstanding in everyday life, but be so abusive in personal relationships?

Answers to these questions can be found both in empirical research and analyzing my own situation, but I think they apply enough in general to state them here.

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kitka
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These men were 17 and 18, I wonder how could they be so young and appear so upstanding in everyday life, but be so abusive in personal relationships?

Maybe it's because they were taught to behave in the public sphere, but not to be empathetic when it comes to private, often deeply emotional relationships?

I don't know. It seems like a lot of people - men and women - lack fundamental compassion at times, some more often than not. And when that's combined with men who have a feeling of needing to "get even" or dominate others, then date rape happens?

I guess I'm "lucky" statistically speaking, even though luck has nothing to do with it. I've been sexually harrassed a few times, but not physically. For a few months, about a year ago, I had several nightmares about being forced into sex with guys that I knew and liked. Every once in a while, I still have those nightmares. I don't know why that is. Maybe that says something about the pervasiveness and unpredictability of date rape?

I definitely think women should know how to defend themselves, like Miz Scarlet's suggested elsewhere. Several kinds of martial arts training prove that smaller opponents can disable larger ones... if more women had basic fighting skills, at least they would have a chance of fending off an attack.

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Heather
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I so agree with you per self-defense, kitka. Even just per the shioft it can create in many women's feelings of empowerment, feelings of confidence in the strength and abillity of their own bodies. Even for women who -- and let's shout out a wish for there to be more than but a few of them as time goes on -- will NEVER face a rape or an attempt at rape personally.

The only thing with that is that even the ATTEMPT traumatizes. Even when we get away, we're hurt deeply, we're ever changed. For myself, I can honestly say that comparing my experiences with being raped and with having rape attempted, I have had one attempt that was easily JUST as traumatic as a rape, and all the more so because of the person being known to me.

So yeah, we may leave those situations physically unscarred, but I think the physical scars of rape are, at best, only half the issue. The emotional weight that sort of betrayal carries is stupendous, and that hardest bit there is that there's really little, if anything, to do for women to prevent ATTEMPTS at rape.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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oOo Lea oOo
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Wow. . .
I want so badly to reply a comment on this topic, but I am at a loss of words.
Isn't it unfortunate that when coming upon a topic such as this one brings so many thoughts into your mind that you are mind-boggled and cannot think of anything to say? I think my problem is that I want to say so much that I just cannot start, so I will just keep it at this. . .
All the points you (all) have made are right-on, and I agree completely.

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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LilBlueSmurf
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I agree w/ Lea. I have so much i want to say but i can't put it into words.

quote:
You may question your own judgment. You trust your own heart a lot less. You become afraid to fall in love with anyone, perhaps. All the power issues that can get tied up in sex, especially with men in the context of our culture, often amplify. You're less likely to be believed: you're more likely to be called a slut, when in fact, you were a victim. In the case of platonic relationships that turn into rape or attempted rape, you may get the feeling you just aren't safe anywhere: all that advice about not walking home alone at night has a special sort of sting, since you found out that's the least of your worries.
I did question my own judgement, and even worse, my family questioned my judgement. On one hand everyone was telling me it wasn't my fault, but on the other, if i hadn't have been there it wouldn't have happened. ... Huh?

I had to do everything in my future relationships on my time, and if he questioned it, he was gone. I was very worried to let myself fall for someone else ... What if i was wrong? I was wrong before. WAY wrong.

We weren't together at the time, but we were friends and he was still hinting at wanting another relationship. We were very young and neither of us had any sexual experience. Silly me thought he actually cared.

How could someone who 'supposedly' cares for someone do something like that? What made me think he cared in the first place? How do i tell who cares and who doesn't? In making my own boundaries for future relationships, how do i ensure i'm not stepping over someone else? What if i am wrong (about him) again? How could i have been SO wrong?

Hmm. [Confused]

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Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

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oOo Lea oOo
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I am coming back to this topic because I have thought about it and I'd like to comment.

I think my main issue was that I did indeed judge myself. I thought I was of weak character. I thought I set up an image of my self that others viewed as slutty, even though I really never pictured my self that way nor did any one else.

I also questioned if anyone else would ever love me, or if this type of treatment would be all I would ever find.

In my heart I knew it wasn't my fault, but I couldn't help feeling guilty.

I set up a barrier and promised myself I would never let myself be treated that way again. I swore I would never fall inlove, simply because if I did, I "KNEW" it would end in disaster and I would get hurt.

I never hoped or wished for the future. I didn't let myself get excited or hopeful in any situation. I made a comment once to a friend that I never get my hopes up. My reason for that was that if I dont think about the best result and always consider the worse, when something doesn't work out for the best, I won't be let down or dissappointed and I will save myself pain from hoping it would have.

It effected every relationship I ever had. I refrained from any sexual activities for 3 years. I pictured every guy I was ever sexually attracted to as "that guy". It still effects me, today.

Lucky for me, I have a wonderful boyfriend who knows my boundaries, knows my limits, knows my "history", and respects all of the above.

[ 03-21-2006, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

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zeta
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You see a stranger in alley at night, you run (or use pepper spray). You see someone you know, you don't. The psychos will abuse this.

But the psychos are few and far between. Despite personal experience I believe this -well, it was another male, a friend, who convinced me that I had done nothing wrong and that the whole fault was with the perpetrator, and helped me through the process of reporting to police and whatnot. Plus father and brother needed some restraining to not to "deal" with the situation themselves.

Most males we trust are worth it: it's not our fault at all if we fail to spot the psychopathic ones, since it's not to be expected we should run into one.

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I don't get even, I get odder

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Heather
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quote:
But the psychos are few and far between.
Trouble is, that's actually overstating it.

We know that a minimum of 25% of all women have been raped. And that the vast majority of rapists ARE known to victims.

So, few? Far between? Not at all: millions of rapists aren't "few," by any defintion. (And even calling rapists psychos is an iffy thing. While certainly one wouldn't call rape normal and healthy behaviour, it's actually rarely medically classified as psychotic -- though perhaps it should be.)

That, of course, does NOT mean there aren't LOTS of good men in the world, men who can be trusted, men who are not rapists, men who are strong allies of rape survivors. Not at all, because there really are plenty of those, more of them than there are rapists.

But, sadly, not THAT many more. I think it's important to not be in denial about that, however hard a truth it is to deal with, because if we pretend otherwise, we endanger ourselves and others by enabling blind spots.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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zeta
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Well, if raping someone is not considered psychotic or otherwise really mentally disturbed behavior, I think it really should be. It's just not something one does out of being upset or angry or whatever, it's just sick.

While the statistic about 25% of women getting raped is indeed horrible, I still think it doesn't necessarily mean that so many men are messed up. Isn't it possible that, well, many rapes do go unreported, and when they're reported the perpetrator is not necessarily convicted, or is not locked up for such a long time? And I think I've read that recidivism rates for rapists are rather high. So it's possible that comparatively few, utterly screwed up, men have many victims... One that's good at initially charming women, and really good at messing with their heads or scaring them, could have dozens of never-reported to police victims...

I guess I am an eternal optimist, and I've been blessed with being surrounded by a lot of good guys. But I can't see a rapist as being just a slight variation from the psychology of the guys I know and trust; I see them as something completely else, broken and wrong, just masquerading as humans...

Anyway, flowery language aside, I do hope it's so. If, some improvements in society's attitudes towards women, and in judicial system and so on, could have most of the dangerous ones rounded up and locked up. If on the other hand a large amount of males are potentially and unpredictably dangerous, I don't understand what's the use of trying to protect oneself or make it socially harder to victimize the woman -it'd be practically hopeless anyway...

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I don't get even, I get odder

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logic_grrl
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Well, if raping someone is not considered psychotic or otherwise really mentally disturbed behavior, I think it really should be.

Just a quick note about terminology: "psychotic" is a technical, medical term, which refers specifically to people who experience delusions or hallucinations. For example, someone who believes that Elvis Presley and the CIA are broadcasting secret messages into the fillings in their teeth would be considered "psychotic".

The vast majority of rapists don't meet criteria for this or any other mental illness (although some might perhaps be considered to have personality disorders like sociopathy, which aren't really considered "mental illnesses" in the strict sense).

Using terms like "psychotic" to describe rapists is actually pretty insulting and unhelpful to people who do have mental illnesses or other psychiatric conditions, and who are often unfairly stereotyped as violent or dangerous.

It's also pretty unhelpful in terms of looking after your own safety, if you imagine that rape is only committed by people who are obviously "utterly screwed up".

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"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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logic_grrl
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By the way, it's certainly true that many rapists have a pattern of repeat offending. But even so, the levels of rape, sexual assault and abuse are so high that they can only be explained if a significant number of men are involved. Obviously, most men aren't rapists, but it's not rare, either.

And anonymous surveys asking young men questions like whether they'd commit rape if they thought they could get away with it, or whether it was okay to physically force a woman into sex if she'd gone on a date with you, have produced some pretty terrifying results. Rape seems to originate in attitudes which are very widespread indeed.

If on the other hand a large amount of males are potentially and unpredictably dangerous, I don't understand what's the use of trying to protect oneself or make it socially harder to victimize the woman -it'd be practically hopeless anyway...

Perhaps because rape isn't a question of some people (many or few) being inherently "dangerous", but has at least some of its causes in social attitudes? And social attitudes can be changed.

To take a historical parallel, think about the crime of lynching in the US. Lynchings often involved most of the white population of particular communities. It clearly wasn't carried out only by a few isolated "sick" individuals. It was carried out by many people, and condoned by even more.

But nobody sat back and said, "If large amount of white people are potentially and unpredictably dangerous, I don't understand what's the use of trying to protect oneself or make it socially harder to murder innocent black people - it'd be practically hopeless anyway..."

People - black and white - fought and campaigned on a multitude of different fronts, and change happened: racial hate crimes do still occur, but lynchings per se generally don't. You no longer have a situation where large numbers of white men would consider themselves unquestioningly entitled to murder a black teenager for whistling at a white woman.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Beppie
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quote:
Originally posted by kitka:

Maybe it's because they were taught to behave in the public sphere, but not to be empathetic when it comes to private, often deeply emotional relationships?

Honestly, I think that a lot of times, society gives the impression that it is okay for "sensitive", "empathic", young men to engage in abusive behaviour--or even that this abusive behaviour is actually a part of the whole "nice guy" thing. I saw a movie a week or so ago, in which a sympathetic young man, who fit fairly well into the "sensitive new-age" stereotype, found it totally acceptable to continue his physical sexual advances on a woman who said no in distress at least four times. Eventually, this behaviour was justified, because ultimately she decided that she wanted to have sex with him, overcoming her repressed nature.

I was so angry when I saw this that I couldn't contain myself from speaking out to everyone watching the movie with me-- it basically suggests that it's okay for men to sexually harrass and assault women, so long as these men are convinced that she's repressed. I asked myself, if she'd kept on saying no, how many times would she have had to say it before he stopped? How long would it have been before he decided that his actions were unjustified? And yet this harrassment/assault was framed in such a way as to suggest that it was actually LIBERATING for the woman!

The response from my co-viewers was pretty much "okay, it's bad, but it's just a movie." I find it pretty insidious though, that this "just a movie" basically okays sexual assault between friends, that could easily turn into rape. When these sorts of ideologies are promoted, I don't find it difficult to believe that the scum-bags in our society who rape women they consider to be friends/girlfriends/lovers still believe themselves to be "nice guys."

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Heather
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quote:
So it's possible that comparatively few, utterly screwed up, men have many victims...
It's really not. Logic_grrl covered most of this ground, but the LEVEL of repeats, especially with DIFFERENT victims, just isn't generally enough even from what is reported and compiled to support that premise.

25% of all women is around a BILLION women. Even if, let's say every ten women raped were raped by one man, you would still be talking about millions and millions of those same men. There's no "few" anything when it comes to rape.

Again, this doesn't mean one needs to be scared of every man they know, and even with the fact that it's likely MORE women (and men) than that have been raped (usually by men), it is still relatively safe to say tnhat it's likely the MAJORITY of men, even if it's a slim one, are probably NOT rapists. And that number too, is millions and millions of men.

One of the troubles is, rape is SUCH an institutionalized thing. A couple weeks ago, my friend Cheryl, for instance, posted the following in a different community:

(And this stuff is graphic, just to warn you.)

"Christopher Hitchens describes a recent work he accidentally came across--the recreational songbook of the 77th Tactical Squadron of the U.S. Air Force based outside Oxford, England. He was horrified by what he read and refused to print stanzas that were too tough for him. Here are some examples of what he did print:

The Ballad of Lupe

Down in Cunt Valley where Red Rivers flow,
Where cocksuckers flourish and whoremongers grow,
There lives a young maiden that I do adore
Shes my Hot ****in' Cocksuckin' Mexican Whore.

Oh Lupe, oh Lupe, dead in her tomb
While maggots crawl out of her decomposed womb
But the smile on her face is a mute cry for more!!!
She's my Hot ****in' Cocksuckin' Mexican Whore


"Intercourse with dead women is a recurrent them, Hitchens writes, quoting only one stanza, of "I ****ed a Dead Whore":

I ****ed a dead whore by the roadside
I knew right away she was dead.
The skin was all gone from her tummy
The hair was all gone from her head.


It's easy to forget -- or not know at all, if you don't research the history of rape -- that the popularity of rape really came out of warring, and that rape has been used as a weapon of war -- one of the largest, really -- for as far back as we know history. A weapon against EVERYONE, too: to hurt, harm, degrade and kill women and children, and to also hurt the men to whom those women and children "belong."

It's safe to say that many of the soldiers who sang song like those, who did things like that, went home to their own children and wives afterwards, them none the wiser, them never raped or even harmed in any way. It's safe to say the wives and daughters and sons of most of those soldiers felt their guys were "nice" guys, were good men, were safe... because they were safe to THEM.

One of the toughest things I've ever encountered myself in my life was finding out that someone I had had as a casual sex partner -- who I thought was all well and fine and good, who I felt safe around, who I trusted and would have totally told any other woman was trustworthy -- had raped another woman. Something like that was more of a wakeup call for me than being raped even was. Something like that was almost MORE difficult to deal with than being date raped MYSELF. And over time, sadly, a lot of us will have an experience like that. I've talked with far more than one person who has been in that same position in my life.

None of it is easy to deal with. I'm currently partnered with a man, and one of the toughest hurdles we've had in merging our lives and politics and experiences is his having a seriously hard time accepting some of this stuff. He's never been with a woman so aware when it comes to this stuff, nor someone who has been as sexually victimized as I have; who has also talked with as many survivors as I have. It's a real struggle for him sometimes to now have the math in his head, most of his friends being male, being from a family of four brothers, the whole lot. Personally, I'm used to -- though not happy about -- knowing that a lot of men in the world are rapists, may be rapists, or would be rapists if they felt they could get away with it. I'm used to knowing that it's entirely possible that someone who is a "good guy" to me hasn't been, or won't be, to a different woman, or won't always even be to me. I'm used to knowing that of the "good guys" around me who are NOT rapists, who won't be, and those who do NOT desire to do such a thing, some of THOSE guys would defend another rapist, some of those guys don't give rape the weight it truly carries, some of those guys could and would justify some rapes or some forms of rape culture ( such as Beppie is describing).

But it's all hard, for everyone, when the blinders come off. It is in no way easy to know this stuff, it is in no way easy -- for men and women alike who do not rape and would not rape -- to manage and process all of this. And with date/acquaintance rape specifically, it's a far greater challenge.

So much of the PSAs on rape, of the public sentiment about rape, are based in stranger rape: it happens less often, but it sure is a LOT easier to deal with the idea of someone who doesn't know a woman assaulting her than someone who does. However, not focusing on rape where the assailiant is known, however more difficult, really endangers women. It sets us up to be looking over our shoulders only in dark alleys, not in our own homes, workplaces, schools, front yards, friend's houses, where not only do greater dangers lie, but dangers which are far tougher to see coming.

[ 04-12-2006, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kitka
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of the "good guys" around me who are NOT rapists, who won't be... some of THOSE guys would ... justify some rapes or some forms of rape culture

How should we deal with that knowledge, then - to avoid being suspicious of men's motivations/desire to be physically intimate?
I, for one, persistently doubt my ex-boyfriend's motives - because I know that so many women have been hurt by men, I have trouble trusting guys even when they treat me well.

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Heather
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Well, I think it's sound, no matter WHAT the gender of someone you're dealing with, to extend trust slowly, and to proceed with any relationship at a pace which is in accordance with another person earning your trust over time. And if you're not doing that -- let's say, you want to have very casual sex with someone you don't know well -- you do yourself a favor and be aware that you are taking big risks.

But I also think it's fair TO be wary, in the world we live iin, in the culture we live in, to have those suspicions.

Over time, I think one CAN develop a *better* radar for abusers of any type. I'm not sure anyone can have a perfect one, but I think the more one becomes aware of signals which DO tend to correlate with abuse, the more one looks out for the little things, and the more life experience in general one has, it does get a lot easier to spot in advance, or when things start to happen.

For instance, there's a thread somewhere in here with a couple users talking about how their male partners casually joke about rape: flatly, I'd not be done with those guys myself. Whatever they could offer me wouldn't be worth the risks to my person (including from whoever else they associate with who okay that sort of thing), or at a lesser level, to my sanity in having to listen to that crap, at all, ever. We have had people post here who have stayed with partners with all the initial signs of becoming abusers -- profound jealousy, talking about other women in a verbally abusive way, threatening other men per seeing a female partner as their property, controlling behaviour, a total disinterest in their partner's pleasure, not taking no for an answer the very first time -- sure they won't escalate, and yet, they usually have.

(I could talk about this aspect of it a lot. Unfortunately, I'm the only handyperson in my newly two-person househole, and I have a leaky dishwasher to fix!)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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summergoddess
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Why does it always have to be the boys they like?

^^It’s just the way it is. The penetrator is always someone that they know, like or love. Men think that woman is always sexually available and they live upon the double standard to spread their seeds. They have countless sexual experiences regardless if it happens in committed relationships, one-night stands, friends with benefits and etc. Men have power so they can do whatever they want and still not be looked down upon for what they do even if it involves raping.

I think that a lot of times, society gives the impression that it is okay for "sensitive", "empathic", young men to engage in abusive behaviour--or even that this abusive behaviour is actually a part of the whole "nice guy" thing.

^^I agree that that specific impression is still out there in today’s world.

I have never honestly been raped. However, I have read about rape in my woman studies classes at the university. Rape is a form of sexual abuse, sexual assault. Rape can have big side effects. Self-esteem in yourself, and with other people including the people that you are attracted to, trust and love take longer time to gain back and the list goes on. However, Lea’s boyfriend is a lot like my fiancé. My fiance knows all of my boundaries, knows my limits and respects all the above.

I agree that woman should have a trained knowledge and concept that it is OKAY to say no, to know the signs of any abusers and etc. Women should know their own rights, and are allowed to have power and say in any situations.

It's easy to forget -- or not know at all, if you don't research the history of rape -- that the popularity of rape really came out of warring, and that rape has been used as a weapon of war -- one of the largest, really -- for as far back as we know history. A weapon against EVERYONE, too: to hurt, harm, degrade and kill women and children, and to also hurt the men to whom those women and children belong.

^^This was stressed really important in my studies of rape. Is Sex a military attraction? In answer to this question, sex has always been part of masculinity power, which is a sexual practice. It is the rooted in socially acceptable roles of masculinity and femininity’s daily construction. Sexual practice in the military is international or universal in my sense. Sexual sessions seem to take place largely overseas. The masculinity power is over women’s bodies in this case. In our diverse society in relation to sex, women are portrayed as sexual prey. Women are passive, choose to be sex objects and always primed for sex. Discrimination over militarized sex also follows the line in racism. Men are picky when it comes to having sexual power not only with intercourse but with the women they are choosing to engage in with.

Basically, the sexual attraction is in the military is because they need to maintain society’s socially constructed form of being a masculine. It’s the same thing with fraternity rape. They have to keep their sexuality of being a heterosexual in plain view so they go out and have sex with any woman they see, and that even includes the prostitutes who come on the military base and perform sexual acts.

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~Jules

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Heather
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quote:
Is Sex a military attraction? In answer to this question, sex has always been part of masculinity power, which is a sexual practice. It is the rooted in socially acceptable roles of masculinity and femininity’s daily construction. Sexual practice in the military is international or universal in my sense. Sexual sessions seem to take place largely overseas. The masculinity power is over women’s bodies in this case. In our diverse society in relation to sex, women are portrayed as sexual prey. Women are passive, choose to be sex objects and always primed for sex. Discrimination over militarized sex also follows the line in racism. Men are picky when it comes to having sexual power not only with intercourse but with the women they are choosing to engage in with.
I'm not really sure what you're saying when you say "the sexual attraction is in the military."

However, statistically speaking, when it comes to rape, it's actually been pretty widely shown over time that actually, no, rapists are NOT picky. Racially, sometimes, you do get rapists not crossing race lines (usually when it's white perps), but when it comes to age, appearance and the lot, actually, no broad data I have ever read on rape, nor any broad analysis of rape, has shown that male rapists are especially particular in choosing the objects of their sexual violence, save by the criteria of who is most easily vulnerable.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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