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Author Topic: How Do You Go On
angelchat
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I have been abused emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually as a child by my biological mom. She wont take responsibility for beating me, and my family never did anything to stop it. She says i caused her to do this and it was my fault. My biological grandparents acted and treated me like real parents. So i started calling them mom and dad. They died when i was 16. My family calls me mental for calling my grandparents mom and dad, am I? And that if anyone agrees with me that they must be mental and dont want to tell me the truth cause there afraid it will break the ice.

Thing is I was a very suicidal person back then, havent done that in a long time, was also a cutter. And stopped that at 16 but after 5 years of being clean I started again.

The reason is because they feel i'll turn into my biological mom and do the same things to my child as what was done to me, and a lot of other really hurtful things.

They think I should be over this pain by now. That i should drop it and stop looking for attention.

My question is how do you go on, I've been going to counselling since i was 12 been on meds, was in foster homes, and so on. Do you think its mental of me to refer my grandparents as mom and dad, and still have horrible nightmares and daily flashbacks?

Really sorry for this being so long, i just needed someone to talk to, and get it out. Thanks!


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uNF_Rena
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Hello,

I might not be an expert, but I think it's ok to call them your parents. Just like if one was adopted, you would call them your parents because they raised you. It doesnt matter who gave birth to you, but who raised you. My eldest brother has a different bio. Father. But he calls my dad dad, and doesnt consider "Conway" to be anything but a man who abused my mother for years.

And horrible nightmares? I have them too, I hope they aren't too regular. *hugs* I hate my nightmares.

Serena

[This message has been edited by uNF_Rena (edited 11-06-2005).]


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mylilbit6
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I would have to agree with uNF_Rena, in saying I see nothing wrong with calling them your mom and dad. They took care of you. See I am adopted and I saw my biological parents for years before the adoption was final. But that doesn't make them "mom and dad" The people who care for you are that.
You know there is no time table for when things are better. every person has their own clock to go by. As far as nightmares go I have had those for years I also deal with daily flashbacks as well. Are your flashbacks triggered by anything? If so do you know what your triggers are? I really don't think you are mental at all. I think you are just hurting a lot. As far as going on you are doing that now, just with some things you still need to work through. Take your time you will get there. Take it one day at a time. try not to look so hard at the big picture and one day before you know it you will be there.

[This message has been edited by mylilbit6 (edited 11-06-2005).]


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angelchat
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I Dont know the exact trigger causes. It's almost like I can be doing one thing and all of a sudden i see flashes of things my bio mom did to me, its as vivid as watching a movie on a vcr or whatever. and its different everytime. i'm on anxiety meds and have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder among other things. i have sleeping meds to try and keep me sleeping through the night so i wont wake up, but they dont work all night. so the meds keep changing.

i've always been told how worthless i am and that i will never amount to anything. and now i have a really hard time trusting people. but the worst thing my family has said is that i will become my bio mom and treat my child or kids like that.

personally if i'm pregnant right now i dont want my family anywhere near my child, if they can knowingly allow abuse to go on, i dont want my child to be exposed to it.


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mylilbit6
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That's how it was for me at first until I started paying attention to what I was doing at the time the flash backs were happening. Mine are the same way they sometimes I feel like I am right back there again going through it all. per your cutting issue: Have you tried journaling or finding some other out let to relieve some of your stress. I see that you were a cutter and you stopped but you have started again. I am also a cutter or was a cutter. I had stopped for years as well and then started again. I have found that writing about my nightmares and things I am feeling has been a big help as well as going to the gym to release some excess engergy. You are not worthless and you do amount to a lot. I understand were the feelings come from but for differnt reasons. I have felt for years that I was worthless and wasn't going to amount to anything.(I was gang raped at 15) I still feel that way sometimes but have come to realize and am slowly learning to believe that its not true. Are you still staying with your family? If you are I would say you might want to look into finding a way to get away from them. it doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you. What does your counseler say about all of this?



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angelchat
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I was in and out of foster homes, and when i was 18 because thats considered an adult i moved out on my own and have lived on my own since then. as for my counseller she tells me to try and live one day at a time, and that some days are gonna be better than others. to call her if things are bad. things like that. shes really supportive and i trust her. i've tried journalling, listening to music, spend time with my animals, and friends. sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesnt. i've only cut once since i started again, so maybe it wont become a habit again.

i think its best to not have anything to do with my so called family, its just more stress and its not worth it.


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mylilbit6
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I think you are right. I might be best right now for you to not talk with your family . you need to focus on yourself right now you are whats important. your therapist is right about taking things one day at a time. that's important. sometimes looking at the big picture can be over whelming. I know i have felt that way. have you tried going to the gym and working out?
that might help you as well.

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angelchat
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How does a person heal after something like this? I feel like i'm living in a living hell and have no way out. my family wants me to live with this pain and guilt for the rest of my life. i just dont understand why i have to suffer with flashbacks and so on and my bio mom has never been charged etc. i feel so betrayed. its like i'm all alone in the world.

as for going to the gym i cant because of a physical disability, i dont have the use of my one hand and arm due to severe nerve damage.

a part of me wants to give up, everytime i get ahead, something always happens to bring me back to where i was before or worse than that.

and i'm sorry if i'm blabbing on, or whinning, it just really bothers me.


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Heather
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As a side note first, disability doesn't have to keep you from exercise. It really doesn't. Certainly, there are some things you'll be unable to do, but there are loads of things you can do.

(And this coming from the boxer and kickboxing instructor with two prosthetic fingers, mind you.)

So, don't let that stop you: really, that's defeatist, which isn't a surprising mentality for anyone who has been victimized to have, but learning not to be, learning to work any given thing regardless of disabilities IS part of healing and dealing and is part of living a whole life. And lilbit is right: something as simple as exercise often does help, and it's also essential to good health. You don't need use of both arms to hike, to run, even to do some forms of swimming, to do weight training, to do some martial arts (all of which can be adapted), to dance, what have you.

That said (and it is a smaller issue), I find when I have had down times that reminding myself that not only have ENDLESS scads of people we walk by, not knowing in a day, who go on, done so despite abuse, people globally live with and through horrible things every day: debilitating poverty, cultures which are seeped in abuse and disrespect, starvation, homelessness, horrible betrayals, hell, the rape and razing and terroization of entire villages for some countires drug trade.

So, you're nothing close to alone. It's truly unfortunate that a majority of people in the world have dealt with horrible trauma and pain, but we have, and we're NOT alone in it. In many ways, most people are all healing from something.

Being angry about this is VALID. It isn't whining. It IS a terrible thing to be severly harmed and to have that harm be denied, unrecognized, excused and/or allowed. It IS a horrible thing to be told you are worthless. It IS a horrible thing to have anyone -- be it an individual or a group -- who does damage to someone else refuse to be accountable. NONE of those things are easy, and you're right: it's not fair that you suffer most because of them and have to do the hardest work to deal with them. It's really, absolutely not.

But, harsh as it sounds: that is the way it goes. I've had plenty of these moments myself and again, loads of people have.

But -- cheesy as it sounds -- I find that if you channel anger correctly, it can actually be positive, excellent energy to reclaim your life and to heal. In some ways, to me, not just surviving, but thriving -- which most of our abusers will never really be able to do emotionally -- is the best justice there is. Way I see it, NOT going on, giving up means the abusers win; means we let them make us victims. And I don't know about you, but I'm unwilling to give them that after everything else they took.

And you know, childhood abuse and the law work in such a way that if you would like to bring charges against your mother, if that is what feels right to you and feels necessary, you certainly can. Really, if no reports have ever been filed, she can't be charged: that's what has to happen for that to happen.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 11-07-2005).]


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mylilbit6
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Just to let you know you are not whining and that's what this site is for.
Time will heal all wounds. You need to work on your issues with your counseler and ask what she/he thinks you should do to help you heal. per going to the gym you could go and just use the bike to get some cardio excercise in, or you could go walking. Also if you keep your distance from your family they can't keep you living like this. You can get to the light at the end of your tunnel. I know right now it seems hard and impossible. I just to think like you, I still have a long way to go but i am starting to believe with the help of this site and my counseler that there is a light and things will get better. I am sure that things will get better for you. you just have to work at it. its not going to happen over night. you have taken one step and thats not being with your family. Don't let them bring you down anymore. keep your distance. Flashbacks come with trauma. that's what has happened to you. as you work through the trauma the flash backs will become less and less until they are gone or few and far between. It will always be there but eventually it won't bother you like it does now it will be more manegable. You have every right to feel betrayed there is nothing wrong with that. You are not alone either. you have me.

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angelchat
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I dont mean that i'm alone in the world thinking the way i do, or what has happened to me. i dont have people i can talk to about this, you know call up when i'm feeling in the dumps. it seems that everything seems to happen on a weekend or after hours. so what i need to do is find someone i trust to talk to when my counseller isnt present. and yes time i'm sure will heal all wounds but i've been working on this with a counseller since i was at least 12, and i feel like its a lost cause sometimes. not all the time, but most of it.

well i'm glad you dont think i'm whinning. i see my counseller tomorrow, so hopefully we can talk about things that have happened recently and possibly about the past. i've never gotten over the death of my parents.

anyways, i want to get other people's feedback on people who condone abuse on children and do nothing to stop it, especially when they know its going on.


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Heather
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That last bit is SUCH a hard thing to rectify. Heck, I'm 35 and I STILL have moments where I find myself literally seething with anger over it, unable to make any sense of it.

I also find that it sometimes creates a reluctance in me to share my history with people close to me, because I still have an innate fear of not being believed, because I'm scared I'll end up feeling the same sort of betrayal that -- knowing people know, yet pretend it's not going on, or simply do nothing -- I felt then.

I think the sad truth is that most people simply want to avoid conflict: for the less cyncial view, some people may well feel that there really isn't anything they can do, or be emotionally unable to face the reality of the fact that someone they care about is either being harmed or doing harm. And of course, you've got your folks of the what-happens-in-a-family-is-that-families-business-alone types, and the ones who think abuse is okay, or at least liveable. Given how many people HAVE lived with some form of it, and how most haven't ever acknowledged they were abused, or that it has likely had detrimental effects on them, it isn't surprising.

Point is, none of us may ever have any one good answer to that: I mean, what answer would actually resolve it for us? What could possibly excuse it or make us feel better about not being helped when we needed it and couldn't help ourselves? Nothing.

Just ruminating...

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 11-08-2005).]


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Heather
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It just occurred to me there's an anecdote I should add to that which may or may not shed any light on this.

Way back when, I was an in-classroom teacher, and ran a very small alternative preschool and Kindergarten. I had a 5-year-old student come into school one day complaining his mouth really hurt. I looked, I saw nothing. he kept complaining, I kept looking, looking for bumps on his tongue, the usual stuff.

As it turned out, I was looking the wrong way. His mom worked nights, so he stayed in a daycare with a woman willing to do overnights, a daycare teeming with kids and babies. The boy, after complaining again, said it was the TOP of his mouth, so I looked that way, and it was blistered and blackened in a very odd way.

He casually mentioned -- kids sometimes tend to be bizarrely casual about ab use description -- that it "may have been the lighter Mike (her husband) put in my mouth when I was bad."

So.

I tried to show NO alarm of freakoutness to the kid, not wanting to upset him more, called his Mom at work told her to come here, she and I -- in horror -- called DCFS on the woman.

Not only did exactly NOTHING happen to her -- including her being disallowed to still have kids there -- they TOLD her who reported, so the woman and her son got a good two weeks of creepy, abusive phone calls until they changed their phone number.

Obviously, she never sent him back, so that abuse stopped, but. I DID try and do something, to no real avail. Not saying that's the case with everyone, but I know that whokle situation did make me wonder if it was possible that for my own stuff, maybe someone did try and help. Could be wishful thinking, sure, but one never knows.


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Ecofem
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Speaking of unfortunate situations where someone tried to stand up for what was right only to have nothing done... A friend of mine did an internship at a county child and family services while working on a master's in community therapy. She taught parenting classes, which went pretty well (for the voluntary attendees that is) as well as went on home visits. She noticed and reported a situation where the grandfather was abusing the children. What did she get for doing the right thing? She lost her internship.
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angelchat
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See the thing with my family is they always thought i was a child who didnt wanna follow rules. they never believed that i was abused. they thought all i wanted was attention and things like that.

but a friend of mines mom was being abusive to her son, and it was hard for me to do something about that, cause i knew the family well. anyways the child is in CAS (childrens aid society)in a foster home for now. so hopefully in the end things will turn out alright. that was the best i could do for now.


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angelchat
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See the thing with my family is they always thought i was a child who didnt wanna follow rules. they never believed that i was abused. they thought all i wanted was attention and things like that.

but a friend of mines mom was being abusive to her son, and it was hard for me to do something about that, cause i knew the family well. anyways the child is in CAS (childrens aid society)in a foster home for now. so hopefully in the end things will turn out alright. that was the best i could do for now.

i think that children should be believed more, and have the benefit of the doubt then maybe more children wont have to live the kind of life i've had and so many other people have. all i want to do is help out kids in danger as much as i can. it makes me feel better to know i did my best to try. the difference between me and my family is at least i tried and did something about it. not just sat there and did nothing hoping it would go away.


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Heather
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The difference between you and your family is also that you aren't an abuser.

I hear you: we're in a horrid state of the world. There is massive hysteria -- to the poiint of whole towns being traumatized and falsely blamed -- about child abuse, especially sexual abuse, when it has not YET happened, or hasn't happened at all, but more often than not, actual, valid and ongoing cases live in a blind spot of denial, especially if the abuser doesn't "seem" like the "type" people expect.

Of course, as too many of us know, there isn't a "type."

I'm glad, angelchat, you can feel good about your own attempts to intervene: I agree, they're healing.


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angelchat
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i guess the reason i'm posting right now is to get some things off my chest, maybe ask a question, and get your views on this.

as you know i call my bio grandparents mom and dad. well when i was young i wanted to go live with them without the presence of my bio mom, i lived with my parents on and off my whole life till they died but my bio mom was always there. my parents wanted me to live with them, but my bio mom said that i would give them a heart attack cause i was a horrible child and that they were older and couldnt take it. so i never moved in with them. thats not the whole problem.

when i was 16 my mom and dad died of both a heart attack and stroke, and i've always thought it was my fault not just cause i was told that i would cause them to have that, but because when CAS thought it would be a good idea for me to move out of town so that my bio mom couldnt be near me, that crushed my parents. there health started to get worse after i left. i moved away in march 15 2000, and by aug 19 my dad was dead, and by sept 6 same year my mom was dead.

so i guess you can see why i blame myself for there death, and i dont see how i can forgive myself. i feel like i killed them.

so i'm wondering has anyone gone through something similar, and do you think that my bio mom was right that i was gonna give them a heart attack.

anyways thanks for taking the time to read this. i'll post again later or tomorrow.


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Heather
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Oh, sweetheart.

Heart conditions are pretty much ALWAYS primarily about genetics (which you can see in your family health history very easily), diet and lifestyle. Stress can make them worse, but even if you WERE a horrible child, that alone could not create a heart condtion. An ulcer, maybe. But for people to have a stroke or coronary event, they need to essentially be predetermined to have a heart condtion, and generally raise the stakes by eating a poor diet for heart health and usually, an inactive lifestyle. Even a big, intense singular trauma alone -- like getting a huge, awful shock -- won't cut it.

That wasn't your fault: it is physiologically impossible for it to have been your fault. In fact, the stresses from your parents being abusive to you probably did contribute, far more than your behaviour ever could.

Your mother said those things to abuse you. Abusers, in many ways, are the world's best liars and manipulators, usually to some degree for the purpose of making them feel or seem unaccountable or not responsible for the things which they are. Given your mother's health situation, I sincerely doubt she was well-versed in the causes of heart disease enough to tell you what would create such. And given she was an abuser, you can basically rest assured that there just wasn't truth in what she said to you: it was meant to hurt and control you, not to inform or safeguard anyone's health.


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angelchat
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Ya my old doctor, counsellor, among others have told me the same thing that there death wasnt my fault. But in the back of my mind I wonder what would of happened if i had stayed. Cause personally when i finally said yes to move i wasnt thinking about how my parents would feel at all. The only thing in my mind was that i would be far away from my bio mom.

I just feel so lost without them, but i will say that i am who i am because of them. i take after them, and that makes me feel good.

I dont trust people too well at all, i try to push people away because i'm afraid that in the end they will end up hurting me in some way (leaving, dying), sounds stupid i know. but its happened so many times.

I know know that i'm truly alone in the world and have no family. They told me and not just one person that i was a mistake and they never wanted me, so when they found out i was being abused they did nothing about it cause it wasnt there problem.

All i ever wanted was a family but more importantly a mom. Is that really so much to ask for? The closest thing i had was my bio grandparents(mom and dad), but there dead and although i can never replace them, i still want a mom. I know thats just my dream, and will never come true. But i can dream right?

WEll this is long enough, but thanks for taking the time to read it. It does make me feel better.


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angelchat
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Does anyone know why we have nightmares? Is it because of something that happened to us? I was wondering cause i keep getting these horrible nighmares, i'm afraid to go to sleep, and when i do i dont sleep right. i've always had a sleeping problem, but the nightmares dont help..

i think the reason for my nightmares is because of my past.

i have another question, if a child gets abused by there bio mom (in my case) does that mean that the child deserves it, cause thats what shes always told me. i tried to have some sort of relationship but she says that i pushed her to do what she did.

anyways thanks for any input..


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Heather
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There are a LOT of different theories on dreams and nightmares and why they occur: some theorize they're for our unconscious and subconscious mind to process, others that they're simply random, mental static, and everything in between.

But it's one of those things where really all we have are a lot of theories, as there's no way to really "prove" what they are.

But I'd personally posit that with abuse and rape nightmares, it is our mind both trying to process and simply being traumatized. I'd alos posit that the more we bottle or try and supress those memories and feelings, the more nightmares we usually seem to have. (Though it's also common to have a lot of them when it has just happened and/or when we just start processing this stuff for real, so.)

And no one ever deserves abuse. Ever. And that's about as typical an abuser's line as it gets. In fact, in terms of how lame, common and typical, the equivalent would be the pick-up line, "Come here often?"

Your mother was an abuser who thought like an abuser and used the rationales and excuses an abuser does. That's not about you or your behaviour. In fact, as a former teacher, I can tell you that one of the easiest ways to spot a child who is being abused is that many abused children are some of the most docile, obidient and well-behaved kids you'll ever meet. For obvious reasons: they learned that behaviour to try and SURVIVE.


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angelchat
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Ya i was always a shy kid in school.. all i ever wanted was to go to school sit in class and learn. i knew that while i was at school there was little chance of my bio mom hurting me there.. i felt safe i guess. i always wanted to please the teachers i had.

On this past sat i had to be taken to the hospital i couldnt move my muscles wouldnt work. i got the the hospital, and my bio mom was there so they told her to stay with me. I guess it starts to get dangerous if your breathing goes lower than 94.. well my breathing went to 71..so they quickly put oxygen on me and turned it up high as possible. Anyways they thought i had a mini heart attack. There was some damage to my heart but because i'm young i shouldnt have any problems. I ended up with double lung nemonia (sorry dont know how to spell it). and was in the ICU. while my breathing was really low they the nurses thought i was going to die cause it was so low. so i told my bio mom what i wanted in case that happned. a nurse came in and said whos that? and i said its my bio mom.. well i guess she didnt like that one bit the way i said it. so when i got out of the hospital still having the nemonia and being weak, she was refusing to go get my antibiotics and my puffer etc..

i cant believe how she can treat me like that.


Posts: 38 | From: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I earnestly don't even know what to say to this.

Save that penumonia, espcially to that extent, is direly serious, and what concerns me about you becoming that ill is that you got to that point.

Now, mind you, a lot of abuse survivors tend to develop very high pain thresholds -- I once got nearly fatally ill myself without realizing it years back, too. But are you taking care of yourself right now? Are you even just doing the basics: eating right, getting enough rest, getting annual checkups, going to the doctor when you're not well? I was nearly homeless when that happened to me, with no support anywhere, plus I'm American, so I didn't have good regular healthcare. I'm concerned about you getting this ill.

Your parents didn't take care of you, but I hope that YOU are learning how to take care of you.

(FYI, the nurse may have been reacting to your mother's callousness, not to what you called her.)


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angelchat
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Hey sorry it took so long to write back. I went back into the hospital last friday and they released me this afternoon. I was having a hard time breathing and I couldnt keep food and liquids down.

I guess I wasnt taking care of myself, if i got to be that sick. I have something wrong with my liver right now and my heart rate is up and my doctor couldnt figure out why. So hopefully that doesnt last for long.

No I wasnt going to the doctor regularly, i didnt trust her. I had another doctor for 15 years, from the time i was 5 till i was 20. So when she left town and left me with this strange person i felt like if i gave the new doctor a chance i would be betraying my old doctor who was like a second mother to me, and she knew this. She was always able to read my mind. And took care of my bio grandma (mom) till she died. Anyways I knew i'd never have that kind of relationship with the new doctor so i only went to her when i had to.

Since i had that health scare i promised my new doctor i'd give her a chance, and i see her this friday.

Anyways thats it for now, my doctor told me to get plenty of bed rest. So i think i'd better listen to her so i dont end up in the hospital again.


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Heather
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Please say you've cut out drinking entirely. if not, you need to do that NOW. Drinking with an existing liver issue is just plain suicidal.

I'm glad you're seeing a new doc, and by all means rest up. if you get bored in bed, might not be a bad idea to make a list for yourself of the things you really need to do to start caring for yourself again, physically AND emotionally.

Be well soon.


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angelchat
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I rarely drink, because of the meds i was on. I havent drank since my b-day in Aug this year.. The reason my liver is affected is because they found out i got mono.. I've had this same friend for over 13 years and we share drinks all the time, thing is she has a bf, so i think thats where i caught it from. My neck is so swollen and sore, it feels like its closing up.

It's going to be hard to trust her, but when you have a near death experience you start to look at things differently.

Anyways, i'm going to go for now. But yes i know i need to take care of myself. I guess in one way i was happy when they told me i was going to die. They said i was having a mini heart attack, and thats how my bio grandparents (mom and dad died) so i was happy at the thought of being with them again. Guess it wasnt meant to be this time.


Posts: 38 | From: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
angelchat
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Ya I went to see my doctor last friday and my neck was the size of a grapefruit and there were bumps on it and my tonsils where severely enlarged according to my doctor.. So she sent me to the hospital she was afraid that my breathing might get affected by how big my neck was.

I just got out this wednesday and right now i have an at home nurse and a dietician. I dont know how long i'll have them for, but good to have them for the time being.

I see my doctor again tomorrow so, hopefully all goes good.. As for my neck its back to normal, but i'm supposed to be sleeping like all the time and taking it easy.

Anyways thats my update for now...


Posts: 38 | From: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
angelchat
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Christmas is coming up again, and its the hardest time of year to get through without my parents. I just miss them so much. You'd think after 5 years the pain would get easier, but as every year passes it gets only harder. And I dont talk to my family cause of what they've done and said. It's much better for my health that way, and as you know my health isnt that good right now.

Anyways thanks for anyone who took the time to read this. And if you have any comments i'd love to read them.


Posts: 38 | From: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
angelchat
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I just got some bad news, someone close to me that i've known since i was a little girl has cancer in the lungs. someone that knows him well told me that the surgery went well and they got the tumour, but dont think it will be the end of it.

Besides that my doctor told me it was more likely than not that i had a miscarriage, and my period hasnt come at all this month. But she made me take a pregnancy test which was obviously negative, i've been in the hospital so much that it was impossible for me to be, especially when i hadnt done anything.

Anyways thanks for reading, i needed to get it out, and get some support.

[This message has been edited by angelchat (edited 12-23-2005).]


Posts: 38 | From: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
angelchat
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I found out in November that i had a miscarriage, and I'm finding it really hard to deal with. I wasnt far along, but I feel like its my fault, that i should of went to the doctors, but I've never been pregnant before so i didnt know the warning signs. I feel so empty, I feel like talking about it, but dont feel ready to deal with it, if that makes any sense.

My doctor put me on different antidepressents, but they arent working, so he said that if they arent working by the begining of the month he's switching me to something new. I've been so depressed and suicidal, i even started cutting again, and cant seem to stop, maybe i dont want to. I'm so confused.

I've been having horrible nightmares and daily flashbacks about what happened and about the past. My bio mom even told me that she hopes i had a miscarriage cause i didnt deserve to have a child. She doesnt know her wish came true.

Anyways sorry for ranting and for it being so long. I just needed to let it out and talk to someone about it.


Posts: 38 | From: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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