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Author Topic: Unhealthy relationship?!!!
sofi
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Member # 30271

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Hello, um...my apologies...this is going to be kind of long but it needs to be that way.
Im leaving for Florida in three days for college; very far away from where I am right now. My boyfriend is following next semester, but we recently got into such a huge argument that I cant think clearly at this point. I know hes very frustrated that I might find someone else in college during this semester, because I said I wasnt sure wed be able to continue our relationship until we worked on some issues that really trouble me, even though I told him that I loved him that I wanted to continue our relationship (but not the way that it is now). So we fought because I said I was going to visit him (we live in different cities 4 hours apart) before I left. And I visited him only twice in the three weeks before now (horrible, I know, but I kept on thinking it would be more convenient later, since I was going through alot of stress with problems with my parents), until finally during the last week I realized that I really didnt want to spend my last days with him but here at home. I felt horrible, but I had to do it or I would have really regreted it. So I visited him for only one day until I realized this and came back the next day. He was very, very angry. But he suggested we make the most of it so we went out for only one night and he got really angry when i started to yawn because I was tired. I thought this was very unreasonable, because I told him that even though I was tired I didnt care because I wanted to spend the night doing stuff with him. He got even more angry, saying that I wasnt lively enough around him and that meant that I didnt have feelings for him, etc. I apologized for letting the situation get like this, I told him I felt terrible, so we kind of patched things up but the next morning we fought again because he wanted to have a "quickie" in a place I found unsuitable. He fought horribly, I left, and hes been calling me non-stop about how ridiculous this situation is that we didnt get to have our "last night" or our "last dinner" (he had been planning on going to a nice restaurant), and he'll change from one second to being apologetic to being down right angry, and whenever he asks me to please talk about these "issues" we need to resolve he finds some way to turn it into an argument about how terrible this thing I did was (I was reading a post about dangerous relationships, with people turning moods so easily and I was wondering if this would fall under that category). Anyway (I do apologize for making this so long) to make clear what these issues have been, they are that hes been complaining alot recently about how Im just spoiling the night when I get tired, that if I loved him Id stick it through and not "waste" the weekend, also that I dont enjoy the kind of sex he enjoys (he likes tougher things, whereas Im more of a romantic and I really dislike very SEXUAL sex, if you understand what I mean?) But he really doesnt want to talk about it!!! And he wont admit that hes depressive, that the way he usually sees the world is unhealthy (to this issue he states that im trying to "change" him and that Im not accepting him). I just dont know if I did right in skipping these last days with him, maybe Im the one whos totally wrong and he deserves to be this angry? Or maybe Im just dwelling too much on his good qualities (like when hes all sweet and loving) and im overlooking these other things? I feel really guilty because Ive hung up on him twice today when he called and I felt our fighting was going nowhere productive, and...omg this is really unhealthy, isnt it??!!

Posts: 22 | From: Florida | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sofi
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Note: And yet I miss him so much. At one moment I feel like I need to break this off but at the other all the good things hes done for me come back and I end up missing him.
Posts: 22 | From: Florida | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Oh my goodness, girl. I'm so glad that not only do you realize these warning signs, but that you're going to be away from him soon.

A little anger and apprehension is understandable at stable levels when a big change occurs in a relationship, such as a move. But this is ridiculous.

Pressuring you into sex, guilting you for "spoiling" a weekend by being tired, and his lack of communication skills are huge red flags. That is simply not the way healthy people treat a partner.

You've done nothing wrong by choosing to spend the time you have with your family, and two visits within three weeks when he lives 4 hours away is by no means unreasonable. A loving, caring person would want you to be healthy and happy -- as in getting enough sleep, and not having sex that you're uncomfortable with/don't agree to.

I'd advise you to cut off contact with him for now, if not for good; it's a good move on your part. Going to college and moving is stressful enough without putting up with stuff like this.

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sofi
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Thank you. Your reply has helped me gain perspective.
Posts: 22 | From: Florida | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Hey sofi, when you posted this http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=25;t=000205;p=1#000008, I had no idea that you were currently in a relationship. And an unhappy one at that.

quote:
I dont enjoy the kind of sex he enjoys (he likes tougher things, whereas Im more of a romantic and I really dislike very SEXUAL sex, if you understand what I mean?)
Honey, you do not have to participate in or put with up any sexual activities that you do not enjoy or are not comfortable with. Ever. I can totally understand why you "hate sex" if it's that way for you right now. There are mutually positive and enjoyable sexual relationships, and you deserve to be in one, or none if you chose, versus this uncomfortable situation. [Smile]

Miss Lauren gave you some great insight. Have you seen these articles yet?

"Safer Sex for Your Heart"
http://www.scarleteen.com/relationships/safety.html

This article talks about how some people just aren't compatible-- emotionally, sexually, etc.
http://www.scarleteen.com/relationships/potholes.html

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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