Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » a certain feeling

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: a certain feeling
hayspins
Activist
Member # 24120

Icon 9 posted      Profile for hayspins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, this is my story. I have been dating a great guy for a little under 5 months. I really and truly love him and he feels the same about me. I plan to marry this guy, and he and I have talked about the idea of marriage, a couple years or more down the line. I want to finish school first.

Anyways, every wednesday night he goes to a class to finish out his firefighter training. This of course is great, because I want to him succeed with his career choices. After the class, he and his friends sometimes go out. Well tonight I got a text message that said they were going to the strip club. Normally, I would not have problem with this, becuase I am not an overly protective girlfriend. I want him to go have fun with his single friends. I would try to change him just because he is my boyfriend.

But deep inside the pit of my stomach, I have have issues with the fact that they are going there. I sent him a message back that said he could look but he couldnt touch and he said ok. But then he asked what if the girls touched him. I then responded with, "well I can't control that, but I would want to kick their a**. But be a good boy, and remember that I love you." I now have not received an answer to that text message. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, but I am 19 and he is 21. Therefore, I have not been to a strip club, I don't know what the girls there do.

Anyways... I am wondering why I am having this feeling if I personally don't think I am jealous.

Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hayspins
Activist
Member # 24120

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hayspins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I feel slightly better. I just received a text message that said to call him. So I did. Of course, when I got to calling him, he was eating, so he said he would call me back. He told me he loved me and then he hung up. He was kinda quietly talking to me on the phone, so I am wondering if he knew I was having issues with this. He generally picks up on everything when I have doubts. He reads me like an open book. Personally, I think thats a good thing in our relationship that he can see everything like that about me. Anyways... I am going to write a paper and wait for him to call.

Still, any response as to why I could feel anxiety/jealously about this strip club situation would be helpful.

Thanks Everyone!

Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It might ease your mind a little to know that most "gentlemen's clubs" have a no-touch policy. Any men who misbehave are usually kicked out by the bouncers. It might be helpful to have a talk with him when he gets back, nevertheless, to discuss how you feel and what you believe appropriate behavior entails.

Do you have any trouble with him looking at pornography, or similar media? I ask because pornography and strip clubs both portray an unrealistic image of women that most female partners in a relationship can't fulfill. That might be something to consider; does him seeking his jollies make you feel inadequate in that way?

(Just saw your update. It's good that he cares so much about your feelings. Still, it might be good to have a talk with him anyway, just in case a similar situation happens in the future.)

[ 08-09-2006, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hayspins
Activist
Member # 24120

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hayspins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I don't have a problem with it. Except for the fact that on a few occassions he will make the comment that some other girl has bigger breasts then me. I am a B-cup, however, I wear sport bras most of the time. He sometimes says how he wishes mine were bigger and that I need bigger ones. I know he is joking around about it. I think that I was scared for him to go to this club because he would see really skinny girls with big breasts (however, he isnt isnt the skinny girls). I guess I felt like he wouldn't want me anymore.

But, everyone should be happy to know that he just called me back and they went out to eat and they are going home. They are not going to the gentlemens club. Apparently he just felt like telling me that. Most likely, he wanted to see what I would say. I have done the same thing to guys before, and its not the nicest thing to do. But I am proud of him for saying that he wouldn't touch and I am especially proud of him for not going.

He and I have a semi-LDR. We live 40 minutes from each other and sometimes have conflicting schedules. There are times where we don't see each other but 1 time a week, and there are weeks where we see each other 4 or 5 times a week.

In fact, I spend Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday with him this past week. And I am going to see him Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday of this weekend as well.

I am so much more comfortable with our relationship right now. In fact when people say that funny, ur not the girl he had here last night. I can laugh and say.. gee he wasn't here last night, he was with me all night.

Thanks for your reply Miss Lauren, but I am feeling much better that he has called me back and I have talked to him!

Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Some of what you have said has concerned me, hayspins. Is this the same boyfriend who flipped out on you because you trimmed your hair a couple months back?

quote:
He sometimes says how he wishes mine were bigger and that I need bigger ones. I know he is joking around about it. I think that I was scared for him to go to this club because he would see really skinny girls with big breasts (however, he isnt isnt the skinny girls). I guess I felt like he wouldn't want me anymore.
It is not okay to suggest things like that, even jokingly. He should accept and like your body as it is; that's basic human respect, not to mention pretty standard grounds for a relationship. The fact that you mentioned you were scared of him seeing girls more his ideal and "afraid he wouldn't want you anymore" proves that the comments he's making are having an effect on you.

quote:
Apparently he just felt like telling me that. Most likely, he wanted to see what I would say. I have done the same thing to guys before, and its not the nicest thing to do.
Do you mean to say he made-up the scenario about the club altogether, just to get a reaction out of you? If so, that's not only a pretty immature thing to do, it's borderline manipulative.

I'd take a good long look at what's happening here, darlin'. A partner who loves and respects you will NOT make negative comments about your body, makeup scenarios to get a reaction out of you, OR try to control the way you dress or groom. I'd seriously re-consider this relationship, if I were you.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kitka
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22756

Icon 1 posted      Profile for kitka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Miss Lauren is spot on about these things. Some guys like to test girls and vice versa. In the first month of dating, a smart-aleck comment about strip club attendance is a barometer reading. imo, not a capital offense.

But once you get established as a couple, both parties need to be on the straight and narrow.

Some guys, including my boyfriend, go to strip clubs occasionally. They act stupid, blow off steam, live up to whacked-out cultural expectations of masculinity. It doesn't bother me because I'm secure in his respect and affection for me, and vice versa.

You should be on the same kind of footing with any partner you have.

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hayspins
Activist
Member # 24120

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hayspins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I realize all of what you are saying Miss Lauren. And yes, this is the same guy. However, he does have multiple impluses that you all have mentioned in the "abusive relationship" list. But the thing is, I love this guy and I have invested alot into this relationship. I also know that if he went to church more, he wouldn't be this way. A year or two ago, he went to a Masters Commission, which is where you go to become a pastor basically. He had a great time down there, but decided not to go back. After he came back from that, he told me he changed alot. He was less verbally abusive, and controlled his anger alot better. Since I have know him and been seeing him(basically the same amount of time) he has had bouts of anger that has basically put us to the break up point. He would break up with me, not tell me why, and me being the caring girl, would force my way into find out why. Alot of times I would be scared to do it. But I have found out, that emotional abuse is much worse then physical. And I know he won't slap me. Because he now knows that I am not afraid to do it back.

I realize that all of this is grounds of an abusive relatinship. But all relationships are different, because all people are different. I feel 100% comfortable around him, and most all the time I can just say something and he will stop doing what he is doing. There are sometimes he will carry it on for a while. And the breast thing really doesn't bother me anymore because I know that god gave me what I have.

By the way, I am not a really devote person in god, but I am starting to be. And I personally have to say that all the times that my boyfriend and I have had issues and gotten in fights to where he would want to break up, god told me to be a rude person and figure out what was going on. So I would pry my way in and figure it out... and all of the times, my boyfriend gave in and we would then sit next to each other and he wouldn't say anything for a while. But then about 5minutes - an hour (depends) later, he realizes what he has done and he asks if I want to go out and do something.

I also know that someone is going to say that is it not good when you have a fight, make a girl cry or sad, then take her out and make her happy again. But, thats not really what happens.

Now, people can post more advise if you want to, but utilimately remember that this is my relationship and if I get hurt from not following your advice, then it is my fault. I really do thank everyone on this site for giving their advice, but we all have to remember that giving advice, someties manipulates us into doing things without making our own choices.

Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pixeldot
Activist
Member # 16061

Icon 1 posted      Profile for pixeldot     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by hayspins:
But the thing is, I love this guy and I have invested alot into this relationship. I also know that if he went to church more, he wouldn't be this way.

This is what I call a "Love if" statement (Or at least a variation of it). Most love-if statements come in the form of "I'd love you if ____".

Your statement says "I love him, but if he went to church, he'd be better". And from a previous post of yours, his statement says "I love you, but if you had bigget breasts, I'd love you more". Even if you think its jokingly, it was said.

Try to consider this. I'm not saying its a doomed relationship, but maybe you should bring this up to your boyfriend, and you can both turn "Love if" statements and feelings into "Love".

[ 08-10-2006, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: pixeldot ]

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
000
Activist
Member # 30201

Icon 1 posted      Profile for 000     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm kind of concerned about the belief that if he went to church, he'd be better. Now I don't want you to feel like I'm passing judgment on your faith. But I grew up in a very religious area, and there was definitely not much difference in who went to church and who didn't, and who abused their wives/girlfriends and who didn't. Faith and belief in god is not a bad thing, but church is a human institution and it affects different people in different ways.
Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hayspins
Activist
Member # 24120

Icon 1 posted      Profile for hayspins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for all of your opinions. Lets leave this topic closed for now. Any moderator please delete this topic, or close it. Thank you.
Posts: 65 | From: Edwardsville, IL, USA | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Hayspins, that's just not the way it works here. Topics are generally only closed when they've become unwieldly, uncivil, or have already been duplicated. And we don't delete topics or say nobody else can keepo discussing a given subject when someone is just done with them or is hearing something they don't like: it's important that topics remain around so that other users in a similar situation can find the information, and so that we don't have to keep answering similar questions again and again.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3