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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I never get orgasms

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Author Topic: I never get orgasms
carnivalsrule
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I'm a seventeen year old female and I just can't seem to get turned on. When I was younger (probably around the ages of 9-11) I was very sexual. I used to be able to think about sex and sexual things (or watch porn) and get turned on (have a tingly feeling throughout my body). When I was younger I looked forward to the day I would finally have sexual experiences. I used to masturbate (around the ages of 9-11) I didn't really feel anything (sometimes I would feel a tingle but not really). After I had sexual experiences (besides masturbating) such as getting fingered or having sex and etc I didn't feel anything, it was like I was just there (it was boring). I really want to be able to have an orgasm and stuff but I feel as though I can't because I have tried everything. I want to have sex again but it ruined my past relationship because my boyfriend was so into it and I wasn't (because I felt nothing like I guess it felt nice but I got nothing out of it). My boyfriend blamed himself for not being able to pleasure me (no matter what he did) and I ended up breaking up with him because we fought all the time. I haven't had sex (or any other sexual experiences) with anyone else because I don't want to make someone feel bad if they can't pleasure me. I will have dreams about sex (not a lot but sometimes) and I feel tingly when I have those dreams but when I have sex there's just nothing. Sometimes I will think about having sex and I will get tingly but thats about it. I can't even get anything out of masturbation; I still masturbate every so often but there's nothing. I keep trying because I think that maybe someday I will feel something but that never happens. I want to have sex and I think about it every so often but I don't want to because I don't want to make someone feel bad if I just lay there (and I want the pleasure). Sometimes when I'm with guys and we're making out I will think about having sex with them or get sort of horny (but it doesn't happen a lot and that feeling fades pretty fast). I really want to be able to have an orgasm and all of my friends can have them so I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I don't think there's anything wrong with me but I just want to know what to do because I have tried everything. I am on birth control and have been since I was 15 but I don't think that's what caused this. [Confused]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome to the boards! [Smile]

Ultimately, it sounds like the place to start here is with what almost always has to be present before anyone either reaches orgasm or is going to experience the other parts of sexual response, like arousal: and that's desire.

In other words, if someone doesn't actually feel the DESIRE to be sexual, alone or with others, any kind of sexual activity is highly unlikely to be pleasurable, feel good emotionally and physically, or involve orgasm.

I hear you saying you keep trying, even though you haven't been feeling sexual desire. What that really is is a way to make it even LESS likely you'll enjoy yourself, not more so. It's just going to keep giving your mind and body the message that something isn't enjoyable, which makes it way more likely to keep being that same way.

So, can you fill me in on when, if at all, over the last, let's say, year or so, you have earnestly felt sexual desire, and felt aroused enough from that you deeply want -- and not because you feel you should, because you want to experience orgasm or please a partner -- to be sexual, either by yourself or with a partner? That any kind of sex or masturbation, in a word, feels like something you have an earnest, strong hunger for?

Can you also fill me in on any physical or mental health issues that are part of your life, like taking any medications besides the pill, depression or anxiety, or anything else?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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carnivalsrule
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On Canada day I was with a guy and we were making out (I guess I felt aroused) but I didn't do anything with that emotion. Even when I'm alone and I feel that way sometimes (and I masturbate) but nothing happens. As for the mental health I don't think that I have depression or anything but I struggled with self harm for about 4 years (I haven't done that for about a year). I did talk to my friends about it and they helped me through it (I never talked to my parents or anyone like that). I also used to go to a girls group at school for a couple years (that helped) but I don't go anymore because it isn't for people in my grade). I also get stressed out with school work but everyone does. I am not on any other medication besides the pill (unless you count advil or tylenol for headaches). I used to get bullied a lot but not so much anymore; I guess you could say that I am a little self conscious but not really (I used to be but not so much anymore). My first sexual experience happened when I was pretty young (it happened with a girl) and it was a lot of fun I guess you could say I was aroused but I didn't have an orgasm. I know that I'm not a lesbian or bisexual but I just wanted to experiment (so technically I have had sexual experiences with two people). The first time I had sex with a guy (my boyfriend at the time) I don't remember because we were at a party and I blacked out. After that I didn't really want to have sex so I waited a month or two until I had sex again. When I had sex with my boyfriend again I was in the mood for it but when we started having sex there was nothing (it was boring and not pleasuring). There were times that I had sex with my boyfriend (an ex now) when I wasn't in the mood because he wanted to and wouldn't stop bothering me about it. I guess that right now I am a little aroused too because I was thinking about Canada day and the boy I was with.
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Heather
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Have you ever been evaluated for depression? Because it sounds like it is something you may have at least experienced before, and it is one of the most common players in people not feeling sexual desire.

Can I ask, since it doesn't sound like you have really been feeling a desire to do anything but make out sometimes, why you feel like that, all by itself, when you feel it, isn't okay as-is right now?

In other words, what are you feeling like orgasm -- since that's what you asked about here -- will give you that you don't have in your life already?

Some of this may just be a matter of you needing more time to find out what DOES get you excited before you can get there. (After all, it's not like 17 is old or anything. [Smile] ) Is there anything that makes you feel like giving yourself that time and experience is a problem, like all of this HAS to happen right now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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carnivalsrule
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No, I have never been evaluated for depression. I don't really think I have it and how would I even get "evaluated"? How would I even bring that up to my parents? I don't think I have if so wouldn't I need a reason to get evaluated? Sometimes I feel a desire to have sex but I never end up going through with it because I want to feel something and I think that I wouldn't. I know 17 isn't old but I would like to be able to experience it [Razz] . I don't think that giving myself time and experience is a problem but I guess it's just because I'm impatient.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, it's certainly not like it's not understandable to be impatient, especially about something that is often presented as awesome (even though in reality, like most things in life, it varies: sometimes it's awesome, sometimes it sucks, most of the time it's somewhere in the middle). And goodness knows, a lot of adolescence, period, can sure feel like you're just waiting for your life to start.

In terms of an evaluation for depression, that's something you can just bring up the next time you see your regular/general doctor, if you like. They do that by asking you about a range of things people with depression often experience to see how many of them you match, basically.

I am willing to bet, though, a lot of this is just about needing some more time (especially since it sounds like a good deal of your teen years were caught up in some rough feelings, like whatever made you feel the desire to self-harm), and also just letting yourself have experiences like you just did on Canada Day, where you just make out with -- or are doing whatever it is that's only what you really want to and feel a strong desire to do -- someone you feel attracted to and experience arousal like that to find out more and more how it feels for you and in what situations, with what people, in what contexts.

When we accumulate experiences like that over time, we learn more and more about what turns us on, uniquely, and what gets us turned on. We also tend to fill more of our sexual imagination that way, which plays a huge part in getting turned on, and having any kind of sex (including masturbation) be something exciting and pleasurable.

And when we really allow ourselves the time to do all that, without trying to rush forward, or do things we just aren't feeling? Not only are we more likely to feel them in time, when we then do start having sexual experiences, they are a lot more likely to be experiences we enjoy and find satisfying, rather than just something else in life where we feel like all the hype was a bunch of baloney. [Smile]

[ 07-03-2014, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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carnivalsrule
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That's true. Thanks. [Smile]
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Heather
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Sure thing. [Big Grin] Anything else we can help you with today?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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carnivalsrule
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I don't think so but if I have anymore questions I'll make sure to ask. [Smile]
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