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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Safe sex comment

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Author Topic: Safe sex comment
breath
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I recently found myself doing something during sex that I would be truly offended if a partner did it.

During a consual sex play, the condom was not on yet (generally the partner puts on the condom quickly but perhaps this time we were just doing it slowly) , and as a female, I slowly took the partner's part and brought in to closer to mine, while looking at them for consent or seeing their reaction to proceed further, with the possible intention of maybe even put it inside. (Another thing to complicate this is that i didn't have my contacts on and with poor eye sight, cant' really see their face or expression). Anyways, they said "NO I have to put it on" quickly and I stopped.


-Although I know and value highly safe sex (it's a deal breaker for me) and condoms, I have found myself getting curious to see "how sex without a condom would be like"? I have heard stories of people who have sex without a condom "while meaning to" but "wrapped up in the moment"? I guess it is only normal for me to want to or wonder about sex without condoms (I've heard people say that it's a "big" difference, blah blah), .... There are safer ways to have sex without a condom. However, but I also wonder if trying to make it happened and justifying it under a "wrapped up in the moment hollywood-style passion" is just a way for me to add some excitment if I don't truly feel it or attune to it? I read on Scareleteen sometime ago, that people often do such "risky" things when they aren't satisfied in some way with the sexual experience they are having and looking to something else - ie. no condom, or going from unsatisfactory sex of one kind to another--in hopes of getting more satisfiying/wholesome experience?


-Secondly I realize that while I would justify such action as taking a pill --"life of a 20something" --the truth is that while i'm all for abortion or etc as I'm not ready at the moment, I realized that even going through the process is emotionally taxing, ..(aside from the expense and being in poor health: cramps , hormones etc)...is the bigger implication of being human,: taking care of our bodies, and honoring the reproductive capabilities and the potentional/power we have instead of abusing our bodies's reproductive power and capabilities.

Thirdly,I would personally feel very violated if someone did that to me , b.c of safe sex implications. I would really have a big argument/fight if someone did that to me. I wonder if it's b.c i'm a female and my partners are generally male . I like to be gender-nuetral in my decisions and approach, yet wonder if deep down I'm still a bit hypocritical and have to be more mindful of such things myself.

[ 11-12-2013, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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breath
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I wondering how to deal with myself after such an action and how to move forward from here?
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Robin Lee
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Hi Breath,

I just want to make sure I understand: You were engaging in sex with a partner, you went to initiate intercourse without a condom, and your partner stopped you.

Now you're feeling bad because you know you wouldn't want someone to try to go ahead and have intercourse with you without a condom without talking to you. Do I have that right?


You ask how to move forward. We all make mistakes, realize after doing something that it isn't at all what we want to do or would want someone to do to us. These things, just as much as knowing what "should" happen, are what teach us what we want to do and how better to do it in future.

So, maybe you can think about how you want to handle that situation next time. Is that something that'd be helpful for you to talk about here? If so, what would you do differently next time?


I hear you worrying about what would have happened had you misread your partners visual cues and your partner hadn't said anything. The fact is, though, that your partner *did* say something. Nothing bad happened here. People do have miscommunications and they do get worked out.

So, it seems useful to look forward, rather than worrying about what could have happened if this interaction had turned out differently.

I'm not really sure what you're asking about in the second point. Can you clarify that for me, please?

--------------------
Robin

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breath
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Hi Robin,
Thanks for the chat.

Yes it was bit loaded.

1. First off, yes- nothing bad happened here. But even if some miscommunication did occur, it's not the end of the world! [Smile]

2. Yes, I feel bad about being a hypocrit but more importantly , the main question/concern I have is to address my curiosity of "no condom " sex. I mean I guess it's normal and there are safer ways to engage in it: Express need, discuss with partner and go from there. I realize that I wasn't in such a situation with this person to do that, or rather, don't feel comfortable at this moment on the "no condom" sex conversation with this person in this situation.

i wanted the following input:
1. Is it normal to have some curiosity about "no condom" ? I guess it's just normal human curiosity
2. Scientifically or otherwise anecdotally speaking, what about the rumors that i've heard that it's much "better" etc?
3. I am wondering if this curiosity is just masking a greater need/dissatisfaction: we have read here about people who have a B kind of sex (even if they didn't enjoy A type of sex) thinking that it would somehow add excitement, pleasure, intimacy etc? When in fact, one has to built those elements in whatever kind of sex they are currently having.

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breath
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Hi Robin,
Thanks for the chat here.

Yes the first post was bit loaded so I appreciate you breaking it down so well.

1. First off, yes- nothing bad happened here. But even if some miscommunication did occur, it's not the end of the world! [Smile]

2. Yes, I feel bad about being a hypocrit but more importantly , the main question/concern I have is to address my curiosity of "no condom " sex. I mean I guess it's normal and there are safer ways to engage in it: Express need, discuss with partner and go from there. I realize that I wasn't in such a situation with this person to do that, or rather, don't feel comfortable at this moment on the "no condom" sex conversation with this person in this situation.

i wanted the following input:
1. Is it normal to have some curiosity about "no condom" ? I guess it's just normal human curiosity
2. Scientifically or otherwise anecdotally speaking, what about the rumors that i've heard that it's much "better" etc?
3. I am wondering if this curiosity is just masking a greater need/dissatisfaction: we have read here about people who have a B kind of sex (even if they didn't enjoy A type of sex) thinking that it would somehow add excitement, pleasure, intimacy etc? When in fact, one has to built those elements in whatever kind of sex they are currently having.
4. Reflection that while I may feel that the pill is a great way out, the realization that they can be emotional taxing issues with doing such an action that wouldn't be light as "swallowing a pill"

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breath
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Redskies
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Some people are curious about what condomless sex feels like, but some of that is definitely because of myth and hype, that it's this Big Deal, when it really isn't. It's more common to see a narrative of "sex feels better without a condom!", but that's not true. What is Actually true is that different people have different experiences. Some people barely notice a difference, some people feel that it's different but don't have a preference either way, some prefer the feeling with a condom, some prefer it without. Too, a huge part of enjoying sex is not just the physical feelings, but what's going on in our brain, so if we're not feeling safe (for example, having unsafe sex and not being comfortable with that), that's going to have a Way bigger damper on our enjoyment than any thin bit of latex ever could.

If you're feeling curious, it might help to take some time to think about both why you're curious, and about what your priorities are. You say that safer sex is important to you, so you probably want to keep that as a major consideration. You're the person having your sex life, so you would know better than anyone else: do You think that you're wanting more excitement or variation?

I'm not quite sure which pill you're referring to. If it's emergency contraception, then it's true, taking that occasionally wouldn't be a big deal for most people, though it'd likely get expensive and it'd be much more practical and give better protection to use regular contraception. If you're meaning the abortion pill, that's not quite so simple. There's no reason why someone who needs it and is medically suitable for it shouldn't use it, but it's still a medical procedure and one that is not always easily accessible or affordable. It's also not "just" swallowing a pill - the resulting medical procedure can take some time and cause some pain. So, it shouldn't be taken completely lightly. It's very, very good that people have that option, but it shouldn't be the starting point of someone's planning around contraception. It's much easier on the body and in practical terms to use a method of contraception first!

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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breath
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Thank you. I just needed to hear that about the "myths" and "Variety of experiences". It's OK to have a natural amount of curiosity, like one would have about a new kind of ice-cream flavor or topping on a pizza I suppose. But it's not a huge thing.
My rational was that I can try this and then taken an EC pill if I'm so worried . Again as you said the brain part is very important so I'm enjoying everything as it, changing condoms may only make 1-2% difference and same if I'm not enjoying much, then changing condoms or not using them is not likely to do anything noticeably different.

Yes, aside from the emergency contraception pill one time usage to" try out" (how silly that sounds even as I write it): I realize that for myself, there would be some emotionally taxing feelings/issues (Even though I can intellectually understand the science and the convenience of it) --that I wouldn't like to expose myself too and would like to take actions and precautions with my reach to ensure my emotional well being and safely. :-) Yes, I guess you are right that there are only a few options:

1. Safe sex(ie. condoms or i guess birth control types, but right for me it's condoms).
2. If no condoms, then the option is EC pill (which would be taken no matter how where I am in the cycle since there is variability in cycles from month to month), unless I'm super confident about cycle dates. I do chart them, but it can be unpredictable and if I don't do EC then I may be worried unnecessarily.
3. Otherwise, wait and see: and do the Abortion pill route if need be. Again, there's time cost, financial cost and most important mental energy cost associated with those things and it's not worth doing it for"once only". It's better to be a more stable, honest and constant relationship for me to explore this side of things.

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breath
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And as I read in another unrelated post, we are all making choices...every time we do something. It's not like getting caught in a whirlpool. although the myths and hollywood stories have us believe that "great sex is only when it's soo sooo good, then you forget where you are, what you are doing and are just kind of "lost" awareness and normal things like "condoms" etc don't' matter or hold any value". After all, have you ever seen a mainstream film where they show someone taking off a condom wrapper? They always show that some sexy women gets in a certain position and it just "happens".

I could write this but clearly I have to do some soul searching to actually follow it too. I'm still ashamed of myself a bit for this incident [Frown] but oh well. If I want to do this without condoms, I have to talk to the partner, discuss and come with a decision BEFORE engaging : this is the most respectful and considerate way for both myself and other person.

[ 11-12-2013, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Redskies
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When we say "safer sex", we're talking about minimising STI risk, not pregnancy risk. Using at least one method of contraception is important if we don't want to get pregnant, but only condoms or female condoms reduce STI risk. Safer sex without condoms would involve both partners getting full negative test results, then being monogamous for 6 months and getting full negative test results again before ditching condoms, and then staying monogamous. Condomless sex without doing that testing and exclusivity would put you at high risk for STIs and not just pregnancy, which is definitely something you should think about if you want or not.

You're right that just "wait and see" is a choice, but I suggest it's probably not a Good choice. Taking some kinds of measures to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and STIs would be a lot easier than any of your options if "wait and see" turned out badly. I don't think that any kind of illness or medical procedure is a thing that anyone would really want to just try, even once.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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breath
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I agree.

Yes, and again the message is that STDs (and also on unrelated note) pregnancy can happen to anyone: not just certain people It's a classic mistake that people make in all areas of life: that somehow the "bad/undesirable" outcome wouldn't happen to them.


I feel quiet ashamed and embarrassed about this behavior of mine. But I guess I can go light on myself and just think about what I was or am looking for ..behind the reasons of "no latex" and process that.

[ 11-12-2013, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Robin Lee
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If it helps you to process these feelings and motivations, then by all means that's what you need to go ahead and do.

I'd also suggest that there's something to be said for accepting that you had these thoughts, you know that they're not useful to you, and you can simply move on from them. It takes up a lot of real estate in one's brain to analyze and figure out one's motivations for every single thing one has done or one has thought, real estate that can be used for other things, including coming up with ways to avoid acting on those thoughts in future. [Smile]

Just thought I'd put that out there for consideration.

And yes, unwanted outcomes, of any sort and in any situation (not just with sex), can happen to *anyone*.

--------------------
Robin

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Robin Lee
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It's also sound to get out of the habit of calling people dumb, or any other derogatory term. [Smile]

I think you were just giving an example, but if you could not use these kinds of terms to describe people when you're here on the boards, we'd appreciate it. This needs to be a safe place for everyone, and keeping the name-calling and negative talk about others out of what we say will go a long way towards keeping it that way. Thanks. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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breath
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Yes, agreed. Absolutely.
Thank you for your help.
And for the real estate analogy!

[ 11-12-2013, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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