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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » No Orgasm?

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Author Topic: No Orgasm?
mkaykrista
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Hey there [Cool]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost four and a half years, sexually active for about three years. Throughout that entire time, I have felt that he has been unable to orgasm during sex.

At first, it didn't really concern me because we would only have sex every other weekend or so as he was at school four hours away. Due to that, we weren't very experienced after several months and still getting used to what each other liked. Even still, now that we see each other every day and can have sex more often, I can still count on one hand the number of times he has orgasmed during sex.

I have spoken to him about this, asking if he was concerned or if he was enjoying himself. He says he does, but that he doesn't get "the urge" to do so. Most of the time, he focuses on my orgasm and it recently occurred to me that maybe that was his way of hiding the fact that he can't/has trouble doing so? Most of the time, he says that he "just wants to keep going", but often gets tired. And if I orgasm before him (which is always), he'll still be horny and gives me a look like he wants to keep going, but says he's too tired/can't.

Also, he does not masturbate. I have never met a guy that doesn't masturbate, but I suppose it's possible. Though he is unable to orgasm during sex, he can and often does during oral (which usually happens within five minutes of the act). With sex, we have gone for an hour in multiple positions and he says he doesn't feel near to climax.

I don't want to blame this issue on myself because I feel I'm doing my best to please him, but this is starting to concern me. Could this be a medical problem? How do I go about telling him this concerns me without pressuring him too much, even though we've already spoken about this several times. I know it shouldn't be a big issue, but a part of me secretly assesses how much he enjoys sex with how many times he orgasms. And in that sense, he doesn't at all [Frown]

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September
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This clearly is not a medical problem, given that he IS able to orgasm.

It also does not sound, from what you have written here, that he experiences this as any sort of a problem: he is able to orgasm during one type of sex (oral sex), but not during another type (intercourse) - which is perfectly normal and common. For most of us, there are sexual activites that work better for us than others. Not to mention that it is entirely possible to enjoy a sexual activity even though it does not end in orgasm. Orgasm is not the only marker of sexual pleasure. He has told you that he enjoys intercourse though he does not orgasm, and I see no reason to doubt this. Do you?

So, it sounds like this isn't a problem for him at all. What I hear, instead, is that this is a problem for YOU. So, if you'd like, we can talk some more about why and how this affects you. Why do you feel concerned that your partner does not usually orgasm from intercourse?

[ 08-20-2013, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mkaykrista
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I suppose looking back, he has never been concerned or troubled when he doesn't orgasm during sex.

I guess the reason it bothers me is because I thought that is what's supposed to happen during sex. You enjoy yourself and eventually you reach that point and orgasm. I suppose when he doesn't, I don't feel like I'm good enough and I don't satisfy him enough.

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September
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I think a good first step would be to reframe how you look at sex. I hear you saying that your partner does not orgasm during sex, when in fact you have clearly described that he DOES: after all, oral sex is a type of sex. Maybe this article can get you started on thinking about this a little differently: What's Sex?

Another thing to realize is that it's kind of iffy ot judge how "good" sex is solely by whether or not someone orgasms. How one feels about a given instance of sexual activity cannot be accurately measured by one specific physical response. Sometimes, people will have amazing sex and not have an orgasm. Sometimes, people will have pretty average sex and have an orgasm.

What matter is how we experience those situations, how we feel about them. Your partner is telling you that he's enjoying himself, and that means a whole lot more than whether or not he had an orgasm.

Does that help at all? Do you have a sense for why, to you, an orgasm holds more weight than your partner expressing his enjoyment to you?

It might also help to examine what you mean by "good enough"? What would that be? Who gets to judge that? What does that mean to you?

[ 08-20-2013, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mkaykrista
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Member # 107847

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I'm not entirely sure why if he orgasms or not is so important to me. Like I mentioned before, I suppose a part of it is because that is what I thought was supposed to happen during sex. That preconceived idea seems to be a big part of the problem, my problem.

Also, I didn't post this because it isn't entirely relevant to the time. But it came to mind that when it comes time for us to have kids, how can that be possible if he can't ejaculate during sex? This is still years and years away, but it was a passing thought when thinking about this.

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September
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Then it sounds like it is time to revise your way of thinking on this! [Smile]

As to your question re having children - it sounds from your first post like your partner HAS ejaculated during intercourse. So it's not that it doesn't happen, just that it happens rarely. But also, as you say, this is years down the road, so it seems like that's an issue to be dealt with when you get there.

For now, it seems most important for you to do some thinking, to broaden your definition of sex, and to try and reframe your ideas of how to judge "good sex".

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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