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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Can you be satisfied with masturbation?

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Author Topic: Can you be satisfied with masturbation?
marvioom
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I've been masturbating since I was 12 (I'm 20 now) and for many years now an orgasm for me is just my vagina twitching/pulsing, barely any pleasurable feelings and I just do it to relax and go to sleep

I've tried long breaks and different techniques but it just doesn't work, all of this 'explore your body and what you like' just doesn't work for me

I really want to resolve this issue in some way because I'm really miserable and sexually frustrated

I'm a virgin by the way so I can't stick things up there that's more than a couple of fingers, I've tried

Thanks

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September
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Welcome to Scarleteen, Marvioom!

I am sorry to hear that you're feeling so frustrated.

Not all orgasms are mind-blowingly intense, so having more unspectacular orgasms isn't unusual, or a bad thing.

It is generally true, however, that as we get to know our bodies better and learn what works for us, we also tend to experience pleasure more intensely. So whoever gave you taht advice, that was good advice.

There are some other things that can inhibit sexual arousal and enjoyment, though. A negative body image would be such a thing, as feelings of shame around your sexuality. Does either of that sound like it might be an issue for you?

Lastly, whether or not you are a virgin (I assume by this you mean you have never had partnered intercourse?) has absolutely no effect on whether or not you can comfortably insert fingers or a toy. There is nothing about first-time sexual intercourse that permanently alters the vagina in any way. The vagina is a muscle and it expands with arousal, then returns to its resting state after. So if you feel that you cannot comfortably insert more than a couple of fingers, it is more likely due to not being relaxed and aroused enough, or not using enough lube.

[ 08-22-2013, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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marvioom
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quote:
Originally posted by September:
Welcome to Scarleteen, Marvioom!

I am sorry to hear that you're feeling so frustrated.

Not all orgasms are mind-blowingly intense, so having more unspectacular orgasms isn't unusual, or a bad thing.

It is generally true, however, that as we get to know our bodies better and learn what works for us, we also tend to experience pleasure more intensely. So whoever gave you taht advice, that was good advice.

There are some other things that can inhibit sexual arousal and enjoyment, though. A negative body image would be such a thing, as feelings of shame around your sexuality. Does either of that sound like it might be an issue for you?

Lastly, whether or not you are a virgin (I assume by this you mean you have never had partnered intercourse?) has absolutely no effect on whether or not you can comfortably insert fingers or a toy. There is nothing about first-time sexual intercourse that permanently alters the vagina in any way. The vagina is a muscle and it expands with arousal, then returns to its resting state after. So if you feel that you cannot comfortably insert more than a couple of fingers, it is more likely due to not being relaxed and aroused enough, or not using enough lube.

But that's the thing, I've tried to get to know my body better but it's not really working, I don't experience much pleasure, I used to be able to experience a lot though

I do not like my body but there's nothing I can do about that unless I save up for surgery. There's a long list of things that have gone wrong with it that I won't bore you with, but I must admit when I was a teenager I used to cry a lot about how bad I look. But I've always not liked my body and I still used to have good orgasms?

Really? I guess I could try again because the last few times, try as I might I couldn't push the damn thing in. Thanks [Smile]

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Robin Lee
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Hi Marvioom,

Has anything changed significantly with your health or with your life in general? I ask because those sorts of changes can affect how people experience arousal and orgasm.

You mentioned that you're having trouble inserting more than a couple of fingers into your vagina. I wanted to check in with you about whether inserting a toy is something you want to do because you think it would feel good, or if you think it's something you're supposed to do with masturbation. If it's the latter, know that there are no rules about what you do with masturbation. If inserting a toy doesn't feel good, you don't have to insert a toy. End of story.

For many people, self-pleasuring includes being mentally aroused, by fantasizing, reading erotic books, or doing other things that include their thoughts and feelings in their sexual exploration. In other words, physical arousal doesn't usually happen in a vacuum, but is accompanied by sexual thoughts and feelings. When you masturbate, are you feeling aroused and interested in a mental way as well as physical?


I'm also wondering if it would help to have some more knowledge about arousal (both mental and physical) and about anatomy.

Here are some links:


Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More


With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide


[url=http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/ho

w_do_you_masturbate]How Do You Masturbate?[/url]


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Robin

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marvioom
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
Hi Marvioom,

Has anything changed significantly with your health or with your life in general? I ask because those sorts of changes can affect how people experience arousal and orgasm.

You mentioned that you're having trouble inserting more than a couple of fingers into your vagina. I wanted to check in with you about whether inserting a toy is something you want to do because you think it would feel good, or if you think it's something you're supposed to do with masturbation. If it's the latter, know that there are no rules about what you do with masturbation. If inserting a toy doesn't feel good, you don't have to insert a toy. End of story.

For many people, self-pleasuring includes being mentally aroused, by fantasizing, reading erotic books, or doing other things that include their thoughts and feelings in their sexual exploration. In other words, physical arousal doesn't usually happen in a vacuum, but is accompanied by sexual thoughts and feelings. When you masturbate, are you feeling aroused and interested in a mental way as well as physical?


I'm also wondering if it would help to have some more knowledge about arousal (both mental and physical) and about anatomy.

Here are some links:


Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More


With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide


[url=http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/ho

w_do_you_masturbate]How Do You Masturbate?[/url]

Thanks for the advice

I haven't been able to experience much pleasurable feelings for many years now, all my orgasms are extremely weak (although I used to have good orgasms many years ago), there have been several changes in my life during that time, not many with my health though

I wanted to try inserting something there because I wanted to see if it would feel good as clitoral stimulation no longer feels very good at all.

Yes I have fantasies that I imagine when masturbating, or I watch porn beforehand to get aroused

Thank you, I read all those articles that you linked, there were a few insights but I knew most of the info on anatomy and arousal

Maybe I should just accept that I can't get much pleasure. But the problem is more to do with the sexual frustration this causes, all the ache-y heart feelings and depression and the ridiculous amount of longing for intimacy are feelings that I want to get rid of but can't, but if having good orgasms again isn't going to happen I'd like to know how to suppress my sexual needs so that I can enjoy my life again

[ 08-22-2013, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: marvioom ]

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Robin Lee
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I hear you describing two different things. I hear you saying that you want intimacy, and I hear you saying you want stronger, more satisfying orgasms.

Intimacy is usually something people refer to wanting with another person. can you fill me in more on your need for intimacy? if it's with another person that you're desiring this intimacy, it's unlikely that masturbation, regardless of how pleasurable it is, is going to completely fill that need.

In terms of orgasms, I can't in good conscience say that you'll never have good orgasms again. Really and truly people's sexual responses and sexualities in general are always changing. It might well be that the strength and pleasure of your orgasms will increase at a time when you least expect it to, just as the strength and pleasure decreased without you expecting it to and for no discernible reason.

Unfortunately, we don't have a magic bullet for making orgasms better, or for making them happen at all. There's just no one-size-fits-all with this.

Aside from the orgasms being unsatisfying, do you find self-pleasuring enjoyable? That is, is it enjoyable up to the unsatisfying orgasm or is the whole experience really lackluster?

When you talk about feeling depressed, where does that depression come from? that is, are you feeling sexually frustrated all the time and feeling depressed about that frustration all the time?

How long have you been feeling like you haven't been enjoying life?

--------------------
Robin

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marvioom
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
I hear you describing two different things. I hear you saying that you want intimacy, and I hear you saying you want stronger, more satisfying orgasms.

Intimacy is usually something people refer to wanting with another person. can you fill me in more on your need for intimacy? if it's with another person that you're desiring this intimacy, it's unlikely that masturbation, regardless of how pleasurable it is, is going to completely fill that need.

In terms of orgasms, I can't in good conscience say that you'll never have good orgasms again. Really and truly people's sexual responses and sexualities in general are always changing. It might well be that the strength and pleasure of your orgasms will increase at a time when you least expect it to, just as the strength and pleasure decreased without you expecting it to and for no discernible reason.

Unfortunately, we don't have a magic bullet for making orgasms better, or for making them happen at all. There's just no one-size-fits-all with this.

Aside from the orgasms being unsatisfying, do you find self-pleasuring enjoyable? That is, is it enjoyable up to the unsatisfying orgasm or is the whole experience really lackluster?

When you talk about feeling depressed, where does that depression come from? that is, are you feeling sexually frustrated all the time and feeling depressed about that frustration all the time?

How long have you been feeling like you haven't been enjoying life?

You're right that you can't satisfy your need for intimacy with another person, but when I was younger having some sort of sexual outlet and imagining intimacy was soothing and helped calm it down

Nah it's not that enjoyable before the orgasm, perhaps now and then I'll get a twinge, that's all, nowhere near what it used to feel like. I mostly do it to fall asleep easier since having an orgasm is relaxing. So yeah the whole experience is lackluster

Yes pretty much, all this pent up sexual frustration and yearning makes me quite miserable and my mind is preoccupied by it for a good portion of the day

A few years now, although the last year was much worse than the others due to a number of negative things in my life

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September
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Marvioom, you have mentioned several things in this this thread that can certainly negatively impact libido, such as not feeling too great about your body and having been through some tough stuff in your life recently.

Do you have any help in dealing with these things? Do you have any sort of a support system to help you out, or are you seeking out counseling?

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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marvioom
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quote:
Originally posted by September:
Marvioom, you have mentioned several things in this this thread that can certainly negatively impact libido, such as not feeling too great about your body and having been through some tough stuff in your life recently.

Do you have any help in dealing with these things? Do you have any sort of a support system to help you out, or are you seeking out counseling?

If my libido is so low then why am I sexually frustrated? Surely my sex drive would be low and I wouldn't find myself craving sexual pleasure all the time? Or I may have misunderstood what libido is?

I can't afford anything like counselling, I'm not in education or employment. Free services have very long waiting lists and are overstretched as they are (I'm in the UK).

As for a support system my family cannot offer support, they are strict Muslims who a) would not be prepared to talk about sexual things and feeling depressed about anything b) don't like me anyway because of current tensions between me and them.

All my old school friends moved on and went to uni years ago, they have their own lives now and we've drifted apart, I see them a couple of times a year. I've made a few new friends but we're not close and I've only known them for a short time.

Don't worry though, I'm not going through anything too tough in my life and I don't think it's to do with not liking my body as I've always hated my body throughout my teenage years and still had good orgasms so it doesn't seem to be connected

Gee I'm sorry to keep saying 'no this isn't an option' to all your suggestions [Razz] I don't mean to and really appreciate the help, thanks

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Robin Lee
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What we're offering here are only suggestions, so we're not offended if they don't reflect your reality or feel like they'll work for you.

This is the sort of thing that there's not usually a quick fix for. As I said above, we're just not all one-size-fits-all with our bodies, sexualities, or even with our lives in general.

Putting sex aside for a moment, I'm wondering if there's anything else involving your body that gives you pleasure or that you otherwise enjoy? Things that you enjoy or that give you pleasure related to your body could be things like exercising, eating food you find delicious, and other things that involve physically doing something.

--------------------
Robin

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marvioom
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
What we're offering here are only suggestions, so we're not offended if they don't reflect your reality or feel like they'll work for you.

This is the sort of thing that there's not usually a quick fix for. As I said above, we're just not all one-size-fits-all with our bodies, sexualities, or even with our lives in general.

Putting sex aside for a moment, I'm wondering if there's anything else involving your body that gives you pleasure or that you otherwise enjoy? Things that you enjoy or that give you pleasure related to your body could be things like exercising, eating food you find delicious, and other things that involve physically doing something.

Yes, I'm into weightlifting and running, sometimes I go swimming, I enjoy all these activities. And yes I do enjoy nice food
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