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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Threesome Troubles

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Author Topic: Threesome Troubles
Uber_Jess
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Member # 102586

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So, to make a long, long story very very short, I am now living with my Sister at her new house (yay!). My boyfriend comes over often, and my sister's only rule is that we use a condom EVERY TIME (which we do) and that we have sex where she doesn't have to hear us. While this is awesome, it has led to some... complications with my relationship with my boyfriend.

Simply put, he wants to have a threesome with one of our school friends. She and Josh have been best friends most of their lives, and I am worried. I don't really mind the part about me having sex with her; I keep an open mind and am, in fact, bi.

I am, however, really worried about the part where he has sex with her. Worries keep popping up in my brain. What if her vagina is tighter/moister/warmer/whatever than mine? What if she is better than I am at sex? What if, what if, what if?

I haven't talked to my boyfriend about this, yet, but I am hoping he will understand. I would actually be cool with the whole thing if he would only have sex with me. The whole me and her thing, I'm fine with that, like I said. I hope that she is OK with my rule too. If she isn't... well, I'm not sure what to do.

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Carpe Diem
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With this (and all other parts of your, mine, or anyone's sex life) setting limits is beyond good. And if your limit in this scenario is that he only has sex with you (whether you mean just intercourse or other forms of sex I'm unsure, but either limit is totally fine and 100% your call) is absolutely okay.

Am I right in understanding from your post that you haven't had this conversation about your concerns and boundaries regarding this with your partner yet?

If not I'd suggest that would be a good first step before anything else goes forward on this front.

Also, have the two of you sat down with this other friend and discussed the whole situation with her? Cause this whole thing could be a moot point if she isn't into it, which of course could be a possibility.

If she is interested, it's a good idea for all of you to have a discussion well before anyone has their clothes off. That way everyone can have a good understanding of everyone else's boundaries before any sexual activities take place.

--------------------
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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Molias
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You know, it sounds like you, your boyfriend, and your friend have a lot to talk about before you can really determine if a threesome is a good idea for all three of you.

Things you might want to talk about:
  • Your preference that your boyfriend not have sex with his friend
  • Checking in with the friend to see what *she* feels comfortable with, and who she might want to be sexual with
  • How the three of you will handle safer sex practices
  • What everyone's desires/expectations for a threesome are, and how compatible they might be (for instance, your boyfriend may really want to have sex with his friend, or she may not want to have sex with you, or kissing sounds fine but not other things, etc.)
  • How you'll handle any changes in comfort or desire in the midst of things, if the threesome dynamic turns out to be uncomfortable or not as expected while it's happening
  • Your worries about being a "good enough" sexual partner in comparison to someone else (even if your boyfriend doesn't have sex with her, if she is part of something sexual with him I think this is a good thing to bring up in general)
  • If it would even be possible for this to happen given your current housing situation

I do think that setting up a threesome requires Advanced Level Communication; if you and your boyfriend aren't in the habit of having these big discussions that often, this might feel like a lot of work. But it's really your best shot at having an experience that's enjoyable for everyone, or for realizing that it won't work out before it happens vs. afterwards.

If, after the discussion, you're still feeling apprehensive about it, or worried about seeing your boyfriend being sexual with someone else in general, I think that's a pretty clear sign that this isn't right for you, and that's ok! But I think it would be really unfair to you and to everyone else involved to go ahead with this if you feel upset by the idea of it. And it would certainly be unfair and not ok for your boyfriend to pressure you if you tell him you're not interested.

I think sometimes couples set up threesomes with friends and can get so caught up in the idea of a threesome as an Event that the third person becomes kind of a sexual accessory; if you do decide to do this I'd really encourage you to make sure that both of you are giving just as much weight and consideration to her feelings and boundaries as you do to your own.

Also, I think it's important to know that being a "good" sexual partner really doesn't have much to do with the quality of your vagina, or being "better" at sex. For more on this, I think this article would be worth a read: What Makes Someone Good in Bed?

[ 07-22-2013, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Molias ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'd just add one thing.

"I don't really mind the part about me having sex with her..."

I don't know about you, but "I don't really mind" doesn't sound like "Gee, do I ever want to!" to me.

And "I don't really mind," around any kind of sex, sounds to me like it's probably sound to do more thinking about if this is something you actually really WANT or not. Not just something you'd do because a boyfriend wants it. I'm not hearing a single place in your post here where you are saying YOU really want ANY of this, or where YOU sound at all excited about this.

Combined with all your other worries about this, I think the issue around space for this at your sister's place is probably something to think about last, not first.

I think figuring out if this is something you, yourself, even really want and feel great about? Comes first.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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P.S. We have a couple advice columns around this issue that might give you some food for thought, things to think about and talk about:

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_do_i_get_my_girlfriend_comfortable_with_the_idea_of_a_threesome
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_do_i_talk_about_my_interest_in_a_threesome_with_my_boyfriend

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Uber_Jess
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Hey, and thanks for all your helpful information. So, I read all the links, and me, my boyfriend, and his friend (who I knew through school but hadn't really met before) all sat down today and had a long talk after school. Interestingly enough, his friend is a lesbian, and actually the one who planted the idea of the threesome in his head! Apparently, she has had a crush on me since the fifth grade (we went to all the same schools) but was afraid to act on it, for fear I would hate her. Of course I am too open-minded to hate her (how couldn't I be, after living with my parents?!?!) and the talk went totally smoothly once I knew she wasn't actually interested in having sex with my boyfriend.

Basically, after our discussion, the proposal goes something like this:
Melissa and I have sex. Josh watches.
Josh and I have sex. Melissa watches.

That's it! I'm so happy! And also... a little nervous, but it's a good kind of nervous. Of course we are using condoms, but I'm not sure what kind of protection to use when having sex with a girl. I mean, we both have the same "equipment" so basically, fingering, kissing, and eating out is the most we can do, right? Do I use rubber gloves or something?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sounds like you all need some more information to talk about for the next round of these talks (and given things like someone who has liked you for a long time, and now changing your relationship to poly, I'd strongly advise way more than this one talk: this is big stuff), then. [Smile]

Check it:
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/gaydar/figuring_out_how_to_be_a_lesbian_safer_sexpert
• Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_do_lesbians_have_sex

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Carpe Diem
Activist
Member # 47124

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Dental dams are a great option regarding safety while giving and/or receiving oral sex for folks with vulvas.

That said, a piece of saran wrap can substitute for a dental dam if you can't access any.

--------------------
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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Uber_Jess
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Thanks for all your help. We feel prepared and are ready to give this a shot! It will all be going down tomorrow afternoon. This is gonna be great!
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