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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Did we have sex too soon?

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Author Topic: Did we have sex too soon?
BreakingSilence
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So I met this guy about a month ago. We've spent a considerable amount of time together this week. Everyday we've had time off work, and after our shifts until late in the night we get together. Honestly I've never felt this comfortable ( this soon) with anybody.

I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship right now, but once we spent time together( and started getting sexual) all those thoughts I had went out the window.

He's very attractive and in excellent shape, which makes it hard to not think about him in that way. I originally planned to wait, but we ended up having sex. I just feel so comfortable with him, its hard to explain. In the few other relationships I've had I felt pressured to look a certain way, and to have sex even when it was uncomfortable. I've honestly always had problems with pain during intercourse, so when things were getting hot with the new guy I expected no different. However I was very relaxed, definitely wet enough, and virtually had no pain.

I'm wondering if our sex was too soon? and why am I so much more comfortable with this new guy? Should I feel guilty for having sex so soon with him, because it just felt so natural ( almost weird the way it felt so right)

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Destiny'schild,

There really aren't any rules when it comes to when people decide to get sexual together, so long as they're both making that decision of their own free will.

It sounds to me like you maybe don't trust your own feelings on this?

I'm also wondering what "too soon" means to you. What do you think could happen because you engaged in sexual activity with this guy at this point in your interactions with him?

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Robin

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BreakingSilence
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I hate trusting my feelings sometimes, because I end up hurt in the end. I am not by any means in love with this man, and I guess I've always been in love, or at least thought I was whenever I gave myself to someone. As far as what "too soon" means to me is I think often times sleeping with a man you haven't dated for a while is seen as slutty. I also am normally afraid to get close to people, because I'm afraid they'll leave me. This goes back to when I was really young. For some reason I was actually comfortable and I find it out of the norm for me

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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There's always a lot to unpack whenever someone starts talking about what is or isn't "slutty" and who is or isn't a "slut," so if you like, we can do that together.

But long story short? Those are words that really don't mean much by themselves besides "woman doing sex in a way I don't think is morally acceptable," which, of course, is arbitrary, since values are personal. How your choices here are "seen" begs a "by who?" And really, the only person that matters in that regard is you: how YOU see and experience your sexual choices.

Personally, I'd suggest maybe looking less at "slutty" and more at "in love." Because if "in love" for you has meant things like having to look a certain way or to have sex that wasn't comfortable or deeply wanted? Well, if the alternative is "slutty," I'd say "in love" has sounded like a pretty raw deal, not something awesome and great, you know?

Right now, I hear you saying this was a great experience for you, one you felt really good about, in a whole bunch of ways it sounds like are new to you. It sounds like strong sexual desire -- and maybe even having sex on your own terms? -- might be one of those new things?

I also hear you saying it didn't feel too soon, and it sounds like the only reason you're now thinking it is is because of some old ideas -- ideas that don't seem to have served you well in the past, either, no less.

Life experience, as you might already know, is what tends to give us things that often change or adapt our ideas. We won't be the same people who think the same things all our lives as we have different life experiences. It may be this is something that challenged some of those ideas: that'll happen.

How about stepping this forward, since this was a choice you already made? Is this something you want to do with this person anytime soon again? Or would you rather either not repeat the experience with him at all, or take more time not being sexual together first?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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I hear you saying that you're worried about the way other people will perceive you for this. There's no reason they have to know unless you tell them. [Smile]

it also sounds to me like you have a degree of comfort which, in hindsight, you didn't have with previous partners. personally, I think that's more of an indication of whether this is right for you right now then any rules or expectations people hold about when this is supposed to happen.

Do you feel like you gave yourself to him, or that you shared something with him? I'm just curious about how you worded that and would like to know more.

What would be helpful for us to talk about going on from here?

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Robin

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you! You are very correct! Nobody has to know [Smile]

I honestly feel like we shared something with one another, and I've always worded it that way because Sex has never been 100% enjoyable for me up until now. Sorry if my wording threw you off.

I guess it just feels very unreal to me, because I'm usually so nervous having sex in a new relationship. I'm really into this new and exciting experience and hope a solid relationship comes out of it. I guess I'm just so used yo disappointment that I almost wait for the man to change his mind about me. I've heard of the 3 month rule, but its so hard not to give into temptation

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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There really isn't any way of choosing when to have sex that ensures a relationship will continue to develop. I know people like to talk about their ideas of how there are, but most of those "rules" are pretty much pulled out of people's behinds.

Who knows if this will or won't develop further, and into what. All you can really do is state your desires and intentions in that regard, and act in alignment with them. But it sounds like, whatever happens or doesn't later, for now, this is something that actually seems pretty liberating for you in some ways, no?

If so, that's a pretty great thing, feeling that way. I'd hope you can enjoy those feelings rather than sour them with judgments based on ways of thinking that it sounds like sure haven't made you happy or set you up for a sexual life that benefitted you in the past.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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I guess what would be helpful is having some advice on ways to not ruin my chances with this guy. Because of my past sometimes I tend to tell people too much about myself. After my break up 3 months ago I had every intention of not rushing into the next relationship. I also have come to the realization that I was holding onto all my past relationships hoping they would fill the void my absent father left open. I truly want a fresh start [Smile]

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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BreakingSilence
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Thanks so much , Heather [Smile] you're very helpful as always

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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The thing is, there's really very little general advice like that someone can give, because we are all so very different, and all relationships are so very different.

But you can probably figure some of this out yourself by looking at what you already know. For instance, what do you mean "ruin your chances?" Your chances of what? What do you want with this guy, for right now and in the near future?

Whatever those things are, have you communicated that you want them?

If you feel like, so far, people feel you overshare, then you can try taking more time to share about yourself. One way to do that easily is to ask the other person more questions about themselves, and then give them a turn to ask about you. That way, they see you demonstrating your interest in them, get to do the same with you, and you get to get a better sense of what they're ready to share and have shared.

You know, you and I have been talking for a long time, Destiny'schild. Years! And during those years, you have had a LOT of struggles. You've been through a lot in your life, and I have to say, I'm really happy to see you have an experience like this where it really does seem like it very much happened on your terms, and where you were trusting your own feelings.

So, if you want my advice, as someone who feels like they know you to some degree, as hokey as it might sound, I'd say to try and lead with your joy here, not your fears. In other words, I think if you go with what's making you happy, and what's feeling right, rather than your worries of what could go wrong, or things that don't make you happy, but are stuck in your head, no matter how this goes in the long run, it seems likely to benefit you, you know?

Heck, even just seeing what you can do to not stress to much about if this DOESN'T turn into a long-term relationship would, I think, benefit you and the relationship. After all, think about it: even if this ended tomorrow, it sounds like you'd be left with a set of experiences that have been very valuable for you, and really opened some doors for you in yourself and the way you approach sexual relationships, no?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Thinking about you, I wanted to add something else here.

Think, for a moment, about the things you have survived in your life. You are a hardcore, big-time survivor. You have seen some of the worst of people -- to a level some people never have to see -- and you're still here, still you, still hopeful. That's pretty amazing, if you think about it.

If you can survive the things you have, then really, if and when some guy doesn't want the kind of relationship you do, or have a certain kind of romantic interest in you? Life will so go on. You can not only survive that, it's really not anything *to* survive, just people having different interests or ideas or the timing of things being off. In a word? You're a much bigger, stronger person than someone who'd be knocked down by the absence of a romance, if you follow me.

That, I'd say, would just kind of be beneath you, which I know is maybe a bit loaded to say, but I say it because I think sometimes we need to hear it if and when we get locked into a space where we have felt like or feel like romantic relationships validate us in some giant way, or say something about our worth: they really really don't. If and when we have them, and they're healthy, and we and those in them make them something loving and fun and healthy and beneficial? For sure, that's something to be proud of, but that's really the part of that to put stock in -- what we and another person make and nurture, as a team, and as individuals -- rather than putting stock in what interest someone does or doesn't have in us.

Do you know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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As far as " ruining my chances" I just mean after several bad relationships one can only wonder " is something wrong with Me? What am I doing wrong?"

Ultimately I'm looking for a good, solid, reliable relationship. I've expressed my feelings toward him, and he agrees and would like the same, but for now we're just having fun and enjoying ourselves.

Yes Heather, we have been talking for several years, and I honestly cannot thank you enough for helping to ease my mind and guide me . Often times I have no one to talk to. After everything that has happened in my life I can for once agree that this has happened on my own terms :-)

I agree with you entirely. I'm just hoping the day will come where I don't have all these burdens on me anymore. Seems like every time I take one step forward I have to take 10 back and I'm left right at square one again.

I'm trying so hard to be happy and to do what is best for me. Thanks again so much :-)

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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Well, I'm pretty impressed with you: seriously, you have my respect and my admiration. I know how hard it is to keep trying to move forward when you're healing from a lot, and indeed, when we take a few steps forward, then wind up hurtling nearly just as many back. Again and again: it takes a lot, it's tiring, and boy, howdy, can it make avoiding self-doubt hard.

If it helps, you know, I know very few people, who, in a lifetime, hasn't generally had a few bad relationships, or just as many, if not more, that just kind of didn't "take." If this is about something being wrong with people, then, well, a whole lot of us have something wrong with us. [Smile] (Myself included!)

But really, I don't think this is about what's wrong with us or others, so much as that our relationships are inexorably linked to our personal growth and that of the other people we're involved with. They're something to learn to do, over time, not something any of us are instantly, magically good at from the gate. So, we and others will make mistakes, as with anything we learn. And, of course, timing can always be off, and we can want certain things someone else might not, or might not just then, or have certain feelings for and with someone else that sometimes work well with theirs, and sometimes don't.

And when we're trying to do all this when we're coming out of growing up in big dysfunction? It's harder: a lot harder. We have more to learn, more to process. So, we might well make more mistakes of various sorts than people who aren't coming out of that: but I think that's okay, and really, it can only be helped so much. And that's when this all really IS about us and our mistakes: sometimes it's not, it's about things no one can control, or about the other person's stuff.

[ 07-30-2013, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you very much, Heather. It feels good to know someone understands what I'm going / have gone through. There have been times when I've I only had Scarleteen to turn to.

Believe it or not I'm still trying to find myself, and it can be tough when all I've received in life has been rejection and false hope. I continue to be hopeful for better days ahead, and I thank you for your time. :-)

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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You know, personally, I think our whole lives are about self-discovery, as well as discovery of the rest of the world and those in it. It's not like it ever really stops, or we wake up one day, understand and know all of who we are, and are done. [Smile]

Again, I admire you for still pushing through to take care of yourself, make things better for yourself, and seek out the life that you want, in all regards. I know it can be hard and scary: kudos to you for being such a trooper.

And I really hope that you can enjoy times like these: in my experience, they're really big deals, even just in the moment.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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You know sometimes I honestly wonder why it seems that some people get "off the hook" so easily, while others struggle for so long. My whole life my goal has been to set out to find a stable, reliable and permanent relationship. I thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. I feel you honestly know me better than either of my parents. My life has been closer to that of a lifetime movie rather than a Cinderella story. There are days when I'm okay, and other days I don't even want to get out of bed. I've accepted that I may never have (my definition of) a perfect husband & that my family will probably always think i'm legitimately crazy, and I'm okay with that. There's got to be a purpose for me in this life. I just haven't found it yet.

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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I think, if you're askingme, few people do "get off the hook easily," if by that you mean that there are scores of people who live easy, unchallenging lives without pain.

Rather, I think most people suffer in one way or another, and usually with far more than one thing, once, throughout a life. It's just that what that's about varies a lot, and we're all so different. We also can't always see other people's pain or struggles clearly, especially when they're different than our own, or, even when they are struggling with the same things, their sturggles look different than ours.

You know, I don't think there is such a thing as "perfect husband" (or wife, or partner, or person). There are fantasies and ideas, but in reality, people are, by our nature, imperfect. As our our relationships. And I'd say our purposes in life are usually much bigger than having those kinds of fantasies or even living them out. We're all bigger than something as one-dimensional as that usually is, I'd say.

Relationships also aren't things we find: they're constantly changing, lived experiences we make, jointly, with whoever else is in them. So, maybe one thing to think about with all of this is the idea of any relationship as a thing -- not a do or a make -- and as something to find -- versus something to co-create, nurture and grow?

[ 07-30-2013, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Very true. You always have valid points.You're right, If others are changing constantly there's no way I'm going to just "find" someone. I think growing together as a unit is most important :-)

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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Heather
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In case you want some inspiration around that, one of my favorite books about healthy relationships is actually a children's book: http://osorhan.com/bigo/

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BreakingSilence
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Thank you. I'll definitely check it out!:-)

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Sometimes the only thing we can do is accept what we have no control over.

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