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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » First-time sex bad, and not getting any better

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Author Topic: First-time sex bad, and not getting any better
Member # 107763

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Okay, sorry in advance for how long this is.
I recently had sex for the first time with a guy I started seeing over 3 months ago. Coming into it, I felt really prepared because I feel like I've done a lot to sex-educate myself to make up for the complete lack of information I had growing up. I spent a lot of time working through a book, What You Really Really Want by Jacyln Friedman, who references this website for more specific questions. I felt like I knew what I wanted, what I was getting into, and how to communicate what I wanted. Despite the fact that I have a lot of issues with sex because of some things that happened to me in the past, I started to feel comfortable with this guy, mostly because he was very careful not to push me and directly asked me things instead of just assuming or avoiding an issue.
Unfortunately, when we finally did have sex after weeks of escalating foreplay, it was like every bad myth about virginity actualized. We had both been drinking, I didn’t think to initiate some foreplay before jumping into it, and I was in a lot of pain for most of it. The scariest part for me was that I continued to be in pain afterward, and I did bleed, a lot. For three days after. And I knew from everything I’d read that that wasn’t supposed to be normal. It happens sometimes, but it doesn’t have to.
I was a little freaked out, but I wanted to try again, making some obvious improvements. The next time, we were both sober and we fooled around for a while before taking clothes off. He has always been good about trying to manually stimulate before going to the next level. But when he tried to go inside me, it hurt almost as much as that first time and this time, I told him it hurt and asked him to stop, which he did immediately.
I don’t know what to do to improve the situation. I think the problem is me, but I don’t know what’s wrong. I want to have sex with him, I really enjoy everything else we do. He’s being really understanding and keeps telling me everything is fine and I shouldn’t freak out, even though he must have the worst case of blue balls in the modern century.
I've read that sometimes, when you first start having sex, it might hurt for the first few times. Is that true, and if not, what can I do to make this better?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Welcome to Scarleteen, LikeAVirgin!

To start with, I would like to echo your boyfriend and suggest that you try not to freak out about this. Not only does freaking out not help, but if you are all freaked and tense, that could actually lead to you experiencing more pain, not less.

It sounds to me like you have a case of the nerves. The first time did not go so well, and now you are worried and psyching yourself out. The good news is that that's totally something you can work on and get better with [Smile]

Just to cover all your bases, though, I do suggest that, if you haven't started your regular gynocological check ups yet, that you start by making an appointment with a gynecologist. Not only is it smart to get into the habit of taking care of your body and health, but you can also bring up these concerns with a doctor and they can rule out any physical issues for sure.

As for what you and your partner can do to help with the pain, I would suggest that you start by taking intercourse off the table again for a bit. Since it sounds like you are pressuring yourself to get it right, and that pressure is sure to make you feel tense and anxious, it is a good idea to spend some time focusing on things that don't make you feel this anxious instead.

There is nothing inherently about intercourse. There are lots of other sexual activities that you can engage in that can be super pleasurable and make you feel connected to your partner. Just listen to your body and go with what feels good.

Once you feel like you can approach this a little calmer and with less anxiety and you want to give intercourse another try, there are also some things you can do to reduce the risk of pain. Having lots and lots of lube handy is one of them. Being slow and careful is another. It sounds like you and your partner already did a geat job of being mindful and stopping when it hurts, which is important, too.

And most of all, don't get worked up about it. If it does hurt, just back down and return to some other activities that feel better for you. There's no pressure.

This article elaborates on some of what I said:
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 104252

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The medical term for painful intercourse is dyspareunia (dis-puh-ROO-ne-uh) — which is defined as persistent or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during or after intercourse.
A girlfriend suffered from it for a while after she married and it took her a while to overcome the fear. Her doctor told her it was a reaction to her mothers constant scolding since she caught her touching herself at age 10. She constantly referred to sex as degrading,dirty and disgusting and she would go to hell if she participated in sexual events eg masturbation and intercourse before marriage.
She enjoyed foreplay but immediately got uptight and tense in anticipatuion of the pain before her husband penetrated her- actually physically tightening herself making it difficult to enter her. This was in fact the cause of her discomfort.
It took her a while to overcome her fear. After a month or so she eventually adjusted and in her words - once I did I made up for lost time and nearly killed my husband.
There is hope for you - talk to the doc and see if this is your problem. Good luck.

Posts: 37 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Meggsy, I noticed that you've been responding to a lot of older posts today. While we absolutely encourage users pitching in and helping each other, we ask that you not bump up older posts that have already been sitting for a while.

Also, as you rightly point out in your post, the diagnosis you talk about is based on persistent or recurrent genital pain, rather than a couple of incidences of painful intercourse when you're just getting started. While it's totally smart to check in with a doctor about this, there are a whole lot more likely explanations for the OP's difficulties, and there is no reason to jump to this scenario.

[ 07-23-2013, 09:37 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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