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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Feeling Hurt after Boyfriend "Takes Over" During Oral/Manual Stimulation

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Author Topic: Feeling Hurt after Boyfriend "Takes Over" During Oral/Manual Stimulation
Phoenix2013
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My boyfriend is very sexual and our desire is pretty evenly matched. I am also very comfortable in the bedroom with him. He does have a little more difficulty orgasming than others I have been with in the past - he prefers certain sexual positions where he's more in control, can ejaculate from a blow/hand job but not as often, etc. A lot of it has to do with the fact that he is sensitive which I love, but he was also in a 5-year relationship where he and his girlfriend always used the pull-out method and she wasn't very sexual and then he was single for a long period of time after. A lot of this time was spent masturbating, which he has shared with me.

A few weeks ago, in a calm moment when we were not being sexual, I shared with him that I really wanted the opportunity to make him orgasm more often from hand/blow jobs and that it was sometimes hard to do that when he would "take over" while I was performing on him. He got a bit defensive but did say he understood I wanted to please him and said he would give me the chance more often. After that, we had two great encounters where I made him orgasm on my own without any "help" from him. I felt great and very happy afterwards.

Then, last night (after having sex several times that day), we woke up at 2am and started to make out and then to hook up. I started going down on him and then began to masturbate him. I tried to follow what he had said felt good on him before but he soon moved my hand away and began touching himself instead. I was tired and feeling a bit sensitive so I said "tell me what feels good" and put my hand back. A short while later, he pushed me away again and took over. I got a little upset and said "why can't you let me try?" He assured me that he had and then asked me to talk dirty to him to help him finish. I usually have no issue with this but I felt very hurt and vulnerable and said I didn't want to be "forced" to do that.

I really regret having the reactions I did, especially given that we have made progress, but I felt very hurt and inadequate. Is this normal? Should I talk to him again about it or just try to approach things differently next time?

Posts: 11 | From: Phoenix | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Phoenix2013
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Forgot to mention that when I said all of this last night, he seemed very hurt as well and said that my comments "weren't fair."
Posts: 11 | From: Phoenix | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi Phoenix2013,

Last things first, what comments was your boyfriend referring to that he felt weren't fair?

It sounds to me, from what you've described, as if your boyfriend was clearly letting you know what he needed from that sexual encounter, which, in this case, wasn't in line with what you needed. That's going to happen sometimes (or a lot, depending on the people) with people who do sexual things together. Really, this doesn't just happen with sex, but with anything where one person's needs/wants are different from another person's.

So, maybe we can start with what you feel like you need from your partner in order to have a satisfying relationship? Maybe you can fill me in too on what is upsetting to you about your partner often needing to provide stimulation for his own climaxes? It sounds like this is unusual for you to experience in a partner, but it's actually not all that uncommon among people in general.

So, in general, what are you not getting from this sexual relationship that you'd like to be getting?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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I also want to make it clear that since your boyfriend pushed your hand away, he was clearly saying that he didn't want that type of sexual activity right then. Whenever a partner does that with us, we need to be able to respect that boundary and not push it. Yes, it can feel like rejection, but boundaries and limits are important, just like your boundary of not wanting to talk dirty to him at that time.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Phoenix2013
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Thanks, Robin, for the quick replies. You are right about setting boundaries - it is always hard for me to set boundaries myself so I have a hard time accepting when others do. Almost like I perceive it unfair that someone else can say "no" when I have difficulty doing so.

Speaking of unfair, I think when my boyfriend used that word, it was because he believes that I really do please him - more so than anyone else he's been with - so he had a hard time hearing my comments that I felt insecure that I can't please him. It's almost as if he assumes it's the default that no one but him can please him and therefore sees me as an exception to that rule.

Which I guess brings me to what I need sexually, which I'm honestly probably articulating for the first time here. I want to feel like it's the default that I *can* please him, that I am in tune enough with his body to make him satisfied. Ultimately, I want to feel like a good lover, and I'm sometimes not sure I am. He is very good at pleasing me orally and I want to feel like I can return the favor. It almost feels like he wants me to be proud of the few times I've been able to do so and I'm struggling to see that glass as half full. And, maybe, on some level, I don't want to be the exception to the rule because somehow that makes me feel fragile or unstable in the context of the relationship. Does that even make sense?

Posts: 11 | From: Phoenix | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi Phoenix,

I think what you're saying here is that you want to please your boyfriend by being the one whose actions lead to his orgasms. orgasm is just one part of arousal and sexual pleasure, not the only part, and not necessarily the most important part.

So, do you believe that the pleasure you do provide for him is not important?

I'm also wondering: If your boyfriend feels like you please him, can you take that at face-value? Is he defining his pleasure as how he reaches orgasm? Or when he says that you please him, is he instead talking about your entire sexual relationship, with everything that includes?

I suggest that this would be a helpful direction for the two of you to take your conversations about your sexual relationship, rather than focusing on who gives who orgasm.

The following two articles also have some helpful perspective on sexuality and the give-and-take of partnered sexual relationships.

Reciprocity, Reloaded


http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/sexuality_wtf_is_it_anyway

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
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I wish you all the best, Scarleteen is a great site for getting quality information and advice on sex and relationships. [Smile]
Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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