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Author Topic: are we on the right track?
wildcreatures
Neophyte
Member # 109412

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Hi, and thanks in advance for reading this. I'm a 31-year-old woman, and current my boyfriend is the first person I've slept with. I am very wary of penetration, though, so we tend to do other things, and he's very patient with me. I told him that the idea of penetrating sort of feels like someone touching your eye directly--maybe not painful, but uncomfortable and strange, and it makes you want to pull back. We've been together almost a year, and little by little, he's been trying to penetrate me with his fingers. Every time we get to a certain point, I just feel like I've been shocked, and I have to ask him to stop. I've never actually penetrated myself while masturbating, and I've never been able to bring myself to wear a tampon. This is all new. I suggested that, in the moment, he should just try to put his penis in me and hope for the best, but he said that's not a great idea to rush into it. The last time we tried, he got his finger in further than ever before, and I kept expecting it to hurt, but it was just awkward rather than painful. I think I was afraid more than anything else, but I still had to ask him to take it out after a minute, but it was kind of overwhelming. He said that if he can get his fingers in far enough, he'll move on to the erect penis, which he said might hurt more the first few times. He told me his first girlfriend told him that the first two or three times they had sex, it physically hurt until she got used to the sensation, so he thinks it'll be that way for me. Does it sound like we're on the right track? I know this is only so much to go on.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I want to start by checking in with you just to see what you want.

Is any kind of sex -- or some kinds, but not all -- which involve vaginal entry something YOU very much want to do? In other words, I hear you saying you are wary, but are you actually also interested?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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wildcreatures
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Member # 109412

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Hi Heather...sorry I was a little vague. I definitely want it, but I'm just so tense about it because I've managed to live 31 years without being penetrated at all. I worry about whether it's normal to feel this way about it, though my boyfriend assures me that any woman would feel that way if she had never been touched in those places before. Is it odd to have to approach it slowly, rather than just jumping right in? I feel kind of impatient with myself.
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Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I think that if you find that sensation painful or jarring, it's certainly understandable that you'd be tense when you're preparing for it! It's really not unusual to approach any sort of insertive sex slowly and gradually, as otherwise it's more likely to hurt, especially at first.

I would certainly recommend that you hold off on trying to insert anything, be it fingers, a toy, or a penis, until you're feeling very relaxed and aroused already. Using a good lubricant can help a lot as well. If and when you feel pain, it's a good idea to stop doing what you're doing vs. trying to just push through that pain and "get on with it."

We do have some articles on our site you might find helpful: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

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wildcreatures
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Member # 109412

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Molias, thank you so much! I've read through both of those articles and there are a lot of ideas/points in each one that I hadn't read elsewhere, or gotten from anyone I've confided in. You guys are great. I'm going to hold onto the links and refer back to them as he and I are going through this journey.
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