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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » My girlfriend has pain during sex

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Author Topic: My girlfriend has pain during sex
batgirl21
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[ 06-03-2013, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: lauried ]

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Heather
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Okay, first things first. [Smile]

Has she already checked in with a healthcare provider to see if any of this has a physical root, and, if so, then found out what that root is and what she needs to do to treat or manage it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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batgirl21
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Thanks for your reply, Heather. She has not seen a healthcare provider yet, and she says that she doesn't want to because of the costs.
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Heather
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Well, that really is where she'll need to start if she wants this to change.

perhaps you can offer to share the costs with her, or help her to find a low-cost or sliding scale clinic?

As well, same goes for not continuing to do things that are painful. What that does is only make it more and more likely each time whatever kind of sex it is that hurt will KEEP hurting.

In other words, it's really important if you two want this to become different that a) you stop, full-stop doing ANYTHING that hurts her until you have some more answers, and b) start trying to find out what those answers are by starting with a basic exam to at least find out if this is or isn't an issue related to a health condition she needs treatment for.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Molias
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Is this something she's seen a doctor about? If your girlfriend isn't up to date on her sexual healthcare, now sounds like a good time for her to access that healthcare if she is able to. [edit: ah, I see Heather already asked that! I agree that this is a good first step, though.]

Have you identified ways the two of you can be physically or sexually intimate that don't cause her pain? I can certainly imagine that it would be upsetting to you to find out after the fact that you'd done something that hurt your girlfriend without knowing it. If there are things that have hurt in the past, I think it's reasonable to take them off of the menu for a while as you sort out how to better communicate about sexual activity and what is and isn't painful for her. And as you talk about this, there can be plenty of space in that conversation for you to say that you choosing not to do these things isn't a punishment or a step back in intimacy on your part. Maybe the two of you can just focus on what you know does feel good for both of you, for a while.

I really don't think that not being sexual with your girlfriend in those ways that make you uncomfortable, or that later turn out to have hurt her, is unfair to you. Your girlfriend definitely gets to have boundaries and limits around sex, but so do you, and "I don't want to do anything that hurts you" is a reasonable boundary to have. Doing things that you're not comfortable with isn't any more ok for you than it would be for her, you know? It sounds like you really want to respect and be kind to your girlfriend but it's important to be kind to yourself here too.

[ 06-03-2013, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

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