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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Condomless sex?

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Author Topic: Condomless sex?
Prozac
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So my boyfriend and I just started having sex, and it's great so far. He's very respectful and we have a mutual caring and respect for one another and our boundaries.

Except...

He wants to have sex without a condom. He says since I'm on the pill (and take it as ordered) I'm protected from pregnancy and we shouldn't have to worry about it. But here's the thing: I prefer to always have a backup method, AND on top of it all, I really don't like condomless sex (I hate, hate, hate ejaculate). I don't want to turn him down because he's been so sweet to me, but I also don't want to have sex without a condom...

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Heather
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Well, as I understand it, this is a brand new relationship, no?

One where you two haven't been sexually exclusive for at least six months, and then, after that time, haven't both had a new round of STI tests?

If not, that alone is very sound reason to stick with using condoms for any oral, vaginal or anal sex, because sex without barriers before that put you both at a very high risk of STI transmission.

Add that to the fact that, as you make clear, you're not comfortable with sex without condoms, and I think it's pretty clear that it wouldn't be wise for you to ditch condoms just because he's been sweet to you.

Holding a limit around your sexual health and comfort isn't a mean thing to do. And rewarding someone's sweetness with risks you don't want to take, and big ones at that, isn't sound, either. Especially in a new relationship: healthy boundaries are part of building something good.

Also? It's okay to say no to things. maybe you already know that, but we truly can say no to things someone might want that aren't sound choices for us.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I totally agree with Heather and I also think that on his part, what goes along with him caring about you and wanting to please you sexually is doing stuff that feels good to you. So even if there were no STI or pregnancy risks to worry about whatsoever, I think you wouldn't need any justification at all.

All that should be necessary is him knowing that going without condoms makes you feel crappy and it doesn't sound like even if you could allay the real risks, the fact of your feelings would change as a result.

So perhaps asking if he understands why it's important he accept your feelings as they are, could be something to do. There are clearly good sound reasons from an STI & pregnancy perspective, but I'd expect of him to respect you regardless. Sex can then be a place to compliment those feelings and build pleasure on-top of their being respected - doing what feels good for someone's unique feelings and soul the same way that good sex is also to do what feels good for our partners' unique bodies.

[ 04-21-2013, 12:52 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Prozac
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How do you ask your boyfriend to get tested for STIs? I know I'm clean (get tested regularly, even if I haven't had intercourse of any kind for months) but I'd be willing to get tested again if he got tested. I still wouldn't do sex without condoms though. I just really don't like it.
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Heather
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Like this,"Hey, when was the last time you were tested for STIs?"

Then, if he says it's been more than six months or so, you say, "Could you get current with your tests, please? I really feel better when my sexual partners get tested and stay up-to-date with tests."

You can also, in this conversation, let him know the last time you got tested.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Prozac
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Thanks, Heather! I will definitely have that conversation with him ASAP.
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Prozac
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So I asked my boyfriend about STI testing, and he was really cool about it; he said he'd feel better if he knew I was tested too, so we're going to go to a clinic together and get tested!

I even warned him that this doesn't mean I'd ever want condomless sex,and he said that was okay!

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Heather
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Well, there you go. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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