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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Feeling bad about no orgasm

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Author Topic: Feeling bad about no orgasm
ThirteenPale
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Okay, my boyfriend and I have been together for quite awhile, and sexually active the whole time. The problem is, I have never been able to orgasm. At first this didn't bother me, I figured it would work itself out with time, and as I got more comfortable with him. But, it hasn't. I understand it isn't likely to happen from intercourse alone, but no kind of stimulation really feels that great. I've only been able to orgasm alone, and only with a vibrator.
As time has gone on, this has started to hurt a lot. A few nights ago my boyfriend admitted to me that it bothers him too, and he feels inadequate, especially since I've said that ive goven up on thinking that it'll happen. I feel like my body just won't function properly, that I'm broken. I don't know what to do about this.

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Heather
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I hear you saying you can reach orgasm, just not, so far, with your partner.

Have you tried doing the things you typically do alone that get you there with your partner, to start?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also, you say nothing sexual with him has ever felt all that great. Do you have any sense yet of why that is? Is that about all kinds of contact together, including things like kissing?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ThirteenPale
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I have tried doing those things with him, but I feel nervous because it takes a very long time for me to climax. So, we move on to other things and I never get there. Also, vibrators are kinda noisy and he lives in a house with other people renting there.

I thought at first I was nervous at having a new partner and becoming sexually active, but it's been long enough that I'm completely comfortable with him.

I'll rephrase the other statement, I really do enjoy physical things with him. I love the physical closeness and intimate bonding, no matter what we are doing physically. I definitely feel pleasure and arousal. But nothing ever feels great enough for me to think, yes I could orgasm this way.

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Heather
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Do you have any sense of why you don't feel like it's okay for you to take whatever time you need? Can I ask if the pace of getting sexual with him felt right to you, rather than rushed, with time to do things like gradually develop comfort rather than feeling tossed into these situations before you could do that?

Per having the time you need to try doing the things that get you there alone, but with him, have you ever talked about feeling like you couldn't take that time with him, and seen what he has to offer around that?

(Vibrators these days come in so many, many styles, including some that you truly would not know are on, and others who are usually much more quiet than the average person's sex noises tend to be. [Smile] Of course, maybe his place also isn't the only option, or he could arrange things with his housemates so that everyone gets times when they have the place to themselves for a while?)

Edited to add that I just saw your previous post about your family, so unless things have radically changed, I can see that where you live is likely not an option. But still sounds like, vibrator or not, you might be more comfortable being sexual with more privacy than you get at this place period, so how about he consider those negotiations with his housemates?

[ 01-30-2014, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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One other conversation, btw, it sounds like the two of you need to have is a talk about why he feels inadequate because you are not reaching orgasm with him.

Some people think orgasm is "proof" of something or something they are responsible for doing for something else. The things is, both those kinds of ideas stand counter to what we know about orgasm from study and science: they don't square with what orgasm actually is, how and why it happens, and that it isn't something anyone can do or make happen for someone else. And when people tend to think in those ways, that's when they tend to feel uber-crummy because orgasm isn't happening with a partner.

But unpacking all of that can really go a very long way, including making clear that orgasm is something involuntary that happens or does not, in one person's body, often outside that person's control, let alone anyone who isn't living in that body. And orgasm is not a good "proof" of pleasure or arousal, especially as we know it's something that can happen when people are anything but pleased, happy or satisfied, like during sexual assault. Just talking about those facts -- and also making clear to partners your orgasm isn't about them in the first place, nor something that is sound, or even okay, for them to take responsibility for -- can sometimes help people dump a lot of the baggage like this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ThirteenPale
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You know, it doesn't really make sense that I'm nervous about taking time. I guess I just feel a bit of pressure, though it takes often over an hour for him to climax, so that could possibly be just something in my head.

I do think I became sexual with him quite quickly, but I don't regret it at all. I feel very happy that I made that decision.

It'll still be a few months before I possibly have a place of my own that he could visit, and I do think things will be more comfortable there. Besides his place, we really don't have options. And I've met his housemates, and they are not especially pleasant people. I really doubt they'd like those kinds of negotiations, especially since they have a baby. Which is another reason being quiet is pretty important. Though I have wanted to ask him if he would be okay shopping together for a sex toy, so that could be a fun experience, and we could find something quiet.

All of that definitely makes sense. I really like that explanation. That's definitely something I would like to talk to him about [Smile] I guess the biggest thing for me is that orgasm is something really awesome that I'd like to be able to show him.

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Sam W
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I think releasing your worries about taking time is a good idea, especially since it sounds like you two enjoy being intimate [Smile] . Sex doesn't have a time limit, and orgasms don't have deadlines. So, when you're having the talk Heather suggested with him, maybe you might also want to discuss experimenting with different approaches to arousing one another.

Just a word on shopping for a sex toy to use together, you might find it helpful to do some research ahead of time. Many sites for sex toy sellers will let you search for "discreet" or quieter toys, which can help give you a sense of your options

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ThirteenPale
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Thanks! I think that's a good thing to try. I just wanna stop stressing about this [Smile]

Okay, that'd probably be a bit less overwhelming than walking into an actual store and not being sure of what we want.

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Heather
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Well, and know too that that is the situation I'd say most people shopping at sex toy stores are in, and staff at them are generally trained very well in order to help you figure out what you want and need comfortably. [Smile]

(In Seattle, if that's the WA you're in, the people at Babeland on Capitol Hill are fantastic, and they're also great supporters of Scarleteen of many, many years.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Meggsy
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I read you climax when masturbating using a vibe.
Can you orgasm with your fingers?
I have had to stimulate my clitoris with my fingers with a guy while he is having his pleasure with me because it wasnt working for me. I reached climax that way - usually before him.
Try it. I gather you have discussed this with him and I am sure he will agree to anything to have you enjoy the pleasure that your intercourse can be.

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Heather
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Let's watch directing people what to do when we talk, Meggsy, okay? Like "try it." "You could try..." is one thing, but it's really not okay for anyone to be giving anyone else express directives for what they should do sexually like that here. Thanks. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ThirteenPale
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Seattle is a possibility for where I'll be moving in the fall, so I'll keep that in mind [Smile]

I've never been able to orgasm any other way than with a vibrator, but that's the idea, incorporating that into sex. I just gotta work on not feeling pressure with time, I think [Smile]

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Heather
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And getting some real space for privacy, it seems like, too. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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