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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Problems with coming...

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Author Topic: Problems with coming...
GAJill
Neophyte
Member # 107317

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I'm a 25-year-old female and was honestly not very sexual throughout my life (I've had my sexual tendencies and I certainly get horny a lot so I'm not against it or whatever). I never really masturbated, mostly because someone was always around (like family) and I guess I've never been horny enough to do it. I've tried it such as when I take a bath, but it's more like, "Well I guess I'll see what it's about" rather than relaxing like what I've read.

I have a boyfriend with whom I'm sexually active. When we first had sex I was like, "Hooray I'll finally see what it is like to cum!" However, I still haven't been able to cum. I know I'm supposed to not stress about it and relax, but I think I'm too focused on it and wanting to cum that I haven't been able to.

Another problem is that I don't really know what sensation to look for. There are three different "feelings" I get and all are VERY different. I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to 'look' for when I'm close to coming, if any of them.

One sensation is when he's inside me and we're having sex. It sort of hurts, but it feels good. It's like I want him to go harder and faster just because it feels good, but I don't really feel like the feeling increases or anything. So I'm not sure if that's it...

Second is what I feel when he fingers me. This is when I think he presses on my G-Spot and it's the "full bladder" feeling I read about. It truly does feel like I have to pee, and it's kind of to the point that it's uncomfortable because it's like I want to stop so I can go pee lol I know I don't have to but it's really hard to relax when it's so uncomfortable. I've heard you're supposed to deal with it because it will eventually lead to orgasm but it's simply too uncomfortable. And if that's what I have to do to lead to orgasm, I'm not sure if I want to experience that each time... Unless it gets better [Frown]

Finally the third sensation is one I absolutely LOVE. I'm assuming it comes from clit stimulation, as I usually get it after grinding my boyfriend (or being on top). My clit itself is super sensitive (sometimes when he rubs it, it makes me too jumpy so I can't enjoy it really) so if it is directly stimulated I don't feel it. The only time it comes is after I'm grinding or riding for awhile. But the feeling is so AMAZING! It's sort of a tickling feeling but it just makes me feel so good. Unfortunately it only seems to last maybe 5-10 seconds before it's completely lost. And I don't think I can ever get it back. I'm not sure if it's because I focus too much on trying to keep the feeling or what, but it makes me super sad because it feels so great [Frown] I kind of hope this is what leads to coming because I could totally deal with that to orgasm [Smile]

So I really don't know what to do. I think my main issue is that I'm too stressed but I don't know how to just "relax" and let it happen if deep down I WANT it to happen. And again, I'm not sure which sensation leads to actual orgasm...unless they all do, but I really have no idea. Everything I've read mentions the "need to pee" feeling, so I'm hoping that's not the only one [Frown]

Anyway, if anyone could help me out and maybe give me some tips, that would be great [Smile] Like I said I've never really masturbated so I'm sure it comes down to me not knowing what I like or whatever. But masturbation has just never really been...my thing. I dunno...

So yeah if anyone could give some advice, that would be great [Smile] Thanks ahead of time!

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Patricia H
Volunteer-in-training
Member # 103815

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Hello GAJill, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I would first like to remind you that the mission of Scarleteen is to provide medically accurate and comprehensive sex ed to young adults ages 13 to 25, and do not offer sex tips to users, as it is outside the scope of service that we provide online.

That being said, I understand your frustration with orgasms; in fact, it is a common question/concern here on the message boards, and has also been addressed in several articles and blog pieces written by our volunteers here. You are right about being relaxed, not focusing on orgasm being a goal, and letting the process happen organically; beyond that, there really isn't anything more that you need to do. Also keep in mind that you're still relatively young and haven't had too much sexual experience; there is a good chance that such may change forty, sixty years from now. Moreover, it seems like you are already enjoying yourself when you engage in partnered sex, which in itself is a great thing.

You mentioned that you haven't tried masturbation. You might consider trying it, since it will give you a better sense of what you like and don't like, as well as potentially achieving orgasm. If you haven't already taken a look at this, I think you'll find this helpful and appreciate this:

10 of the Best Things You Can Do For Your Sexual Self (At Any Age)

I hope this helps.

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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Patricia H
Volunteer-in-training
Member # 103815

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Also (sorry to double post), depending on how much time you have, perhaps you might want to look over these; they are essentially similar questions asked by users in the past regarding orgasms to which Heather and Robin--essentially the backbone of this website and its sole reason for being--have taken the time to answer. Enjoy!

Why Can't I Orgasm?
Lions and Tigers and Orgasms, Oh My! When Orgasm Seems Scary
Having Trouble Reaching Orgasm? Masturbation Is Your Friend.
Does An Orgasm By Any Other Name Still Feel as Sweet?

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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moonlight bouncing off water
Peer Ambassador
Member # 44338

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I just wanted to pitch in and say that the sensation you love is the one you should try to achieve. I don't know if there's any one sensation that leads to orgasm, but sex is supposed to be pleaserable. So do what feels good not what's "supposed" to lead to orgasm.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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And, on that note, it usually is doing what feels the best, and that you love that most, that makes orgasm most likely in the first place. [Smile]

But too, the vast majority of people, of all genders, who are orgasmic first become so via masturbation, not sex with partners. So, if you haven't yet explored masturbation and really dedicated time and energy to that, and experiencing orgasm -- and pleasure, and finding out, for example, ways to enjoy clitoral stimulation you like without feeling jumpy -- I'd suggest you put that at the top of your sexual to-do list.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GAJill
Neophyte
Member # 107317

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Oh, sorry, Patricia! I saw a few other topics about masturbation and orgasms and whatnot so I didn't realize it was strictly for medical related things. And I wasn't so much asking for advice on how to orgasm or anything so much as help and explanations on the sensations I feel...seeing as I don't really hear much about the other 2 sensations (aside from the "need to pee" feeling). So I was mostly just asking what leads to orgasm. Sorry that my question shouldn't be here. [Frown]

But anyway, thank you Heather and moonlight for the replies! [Smile] I think I also feel confused about the 'amazing' feeling because it goes away so fast. Is that normal for the sensation you feel from clitoral stimulation or is it supposed to keep building? I honestly just have no idea what anything is as far as that goes and I'd kind of like an idea before I try anything. Kind of like with the peeing feeling...it's reassuring to know that's what I'm SUPPOSED to be feeling...because otherwise I would've been like, "OH S*IT DID I TOUCH MY BLADDER? AM I GOING TO START PEEING?!" So it's nice to at least get a little help [Smile]

That being said, is the good feeling I feel usually how females would describe the sensation from clitoral stimulation? Because all I've ever read about is the full bladder thing, so I honestly never heard about anything else leading to orgasm :/ I know it feels good but is it...normal?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Per the question you're asking in the second paragraph, it really depends.

If you're staying very sexually excited, and you continue to do things that feel good, then yes, those good-feelings will tend to build. And sometimes that means doing the same thing you or a partner were doing that felt good, other times it means changing things up some as you go, be that changing speed, level of pressure, angles, what have you.

It sounds like you could use some basic education around your sexual anatomy and sexual response before we talk more, so how about you read through these two links, then we can pick this up again? [Smile]

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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