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Author Topic: from passion to total blah
Prozac
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So, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time (first time with him, not first time ever) today. I had great plans for how the first time would be, and of course NONE of them happened...

I've read your article on how sex shouldn't "just happen" a thousand times, because I've had that happen to me a lot. But apparently it didn't stick, because that's exactly what happened this morning. It wasn't a conscious decision -- not really. I mean, at one point I thought to myself, "Maybe we should stop," but I simultaneously felt that it was some pretty rockin' sex and I didn't WANT to stop so I didn't say anything.

Now I don't want to STOP having sex with my boyfriend, but at the same time, trying to be active in my sex life is making me feel so... blah. We've decided to have sex tomorrow, and do it the way I originally had planned -- romantic, slow and gentle -- but now I'm so nervous about the whole thing that I just want to quit and not do it at all.

On top of that, I'm not sure having sex with my boyfriend was the right decision in the first place, since it "just happened" and it just seems too soon, and now (as my psychiatrist predicted) my PTSD is flaring up (I've had prior sexual trauma) and I don't know, I both want to have sex with my boyfriend again but I also don't. In fact, I'm actually getting the urge to dump him and run screaming in the opposite direction, which is COMPLETELY illogical because my boyfriend is great and I really have feelings for him and I don't know. I just don't know.

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That Strange CT child
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While ive never had sex with anyone, i often feel like this about a lot of things
Its like "i want to... but i dont want to as well"
Idk if its from overthinking, fatigue, anxiety or whatever else, but in the end its your call
Try to take a breath and focus on something else for a while, remember how you feel for him as a person, and whatever physical things you decide to do r your choice but dont make rash decisions such as dumping him because of the impulse to do so
Does he have the same kind of anxiety about this whole thing as you??
I would sit him down and have a serious talk but be careful not to turn it into an attack on one another [Wink]

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It is my hope that what i ask here is answered for me and anyone else afraid to ask the same question :)

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Allie R
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Hey there prozac,

Though to act on your urge to dump him might be impulsive, it's also important not to disregard the feeling that even a fraction of you doesn't want to do this.

I think it might be wise to shelve some of the sexual activities that make you feel uncomfortable, until you can figure out why you're feelings are conflicted. You can take things as slow as YOU need to in order to feel comfortable. You do mention that you don't want to stop having sex with your boyfriend, so maybe you can sit down and talk to him about ways you can be intimate with him that won't trigger your PTSD or overall negative feelings?

We can also guide you to understanding why you're feeling this way, but understand that we can't substitute professional help- if you feel that that's what you need, we'll support you all the way!

Could you elaborate a little about your nervous feelings about having sex with him tomorrow?

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AAR

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Heather
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I'm with Allie here, Prozac: sounds like you're in the midst of a moment of some big clarity on your feelings, so I'd make room for that right now.

I think it'll be a lot more useful if you just make time to work out those feelings -- either by skipping tonight and hanging out by yourself to think them through or, if it feels more sound, talking this all through with your boyfriend honestly -- rather than take huge actions. You can still take actions, and probably be more sure they're the best choices for you, after you've really worked this stuff through.

You might also see if you can't call one of your therapists to get help thinking this out.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Prozac
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Well, I tried talking to my boyfriend about the whole thing, and we ended up just getting really frustrated about the whole thing and... our relationship is over. :(

It was more his decision than mine, but deep down, I can't help but feel like it was the right thing to do even so...

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Heather
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Maybe you feel that way because it was?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Prozac
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I think -- I can't find the link to my earlier post, but I think Heather remembers what I'm talking about -- my therapist was right. I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. I need to get my own head screwed on straight, or at least a little straighter than it is now, before I dive in to another relationship.
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Heather
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Well, I think you have every right to make that determination, and if that's how you feel, then by all means, a relationship isn't going to be right for you right now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Prozac
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Thank you for your help everyone. I need to go be alone now... just... alone.
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Heather
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Hang in there. Prozac. Take good care of yourself.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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