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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » when a male partner cannot orgasm...

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Author Topic: when a male partner cannot orgasm...
laura_mei
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Hi there,

I've been seeing a new guy and we very recently started having sex (with condoms).

The first time we slept together, it took him what is in my experience an usually long time to reach orgasm. The second time (a week later) he could not ejaculate at all.

I felt a little insecure about this at first. (Am I doing something wrong? Am I not attractive enough?) I don't think that is the case anymore. When he couldn't orgasm, he just said this happens to him and had a pleasant attitude about it.

I think this may have something to do with feeling pressured. What can I do to help him relax? I really like him and think we will continue to see each other for a while, and I want to get our sex life started on the right foot.

On a different note, this has also made me realize something: I think I've been conditioned to think it's more difficult for women to climax, and something must be wrong when a man doesn't.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It's great you realized that you've had the ideas you have that are problematic: because, indeed, just like sometimes it's not at all difficult for a given woman to orgasm, it is for a given man. And just like when a woman has trouble reaching orgasm, it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong, the same holds true for guys.

I hear you trying to "fix" something when I don't hear this guy saying it's broken. In other words, you're assuming, it sounds like, this might be about his not being relaxed enough, or that it's about feeling pressured. But has he said that's what he thinks is the case, and told you he needs whatever he does to relax more?

Has HE asked for things to work with this, or is this all you -- and really about you -- right now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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laura_mei
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He hasn't explicitly ASKED to work on anything - you are right to bring that up.

But he did say "I know, I have this problem..." right after we stopped having sex - I hadn't said anything at that point. When he told me this, I said it's OK, and he responded with 'I think it's just in my head.'

He changed the subject and we left the conversation at that.

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Heather
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So, how about you don't try and treat it like a problem, since it sounds like you may be thinking it is more than he does?

And then you go about your sexual life with him in the way you would with anyone -- making sure there's no pressuring, doing what you can to co-create a relaxed environment, etc. -- and then, if he wants or needs something, around this or anything else, leave it to him to ask for it?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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laura_mei
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Okay, I'll see how that goes. I guess I should relax above all.

Thanks!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, since this really sounds more like your issue, we can certainly also talk about what you can do around this for yourself, if you like.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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laura_mei
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Sure. I guess I need to let go of the idea that sex is incomplete unless there's an orgasm involved?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Is it for you? In other words, what's the idea based in? Does sex feel incomplete for you if you don't orgasm?

Maybe while we're at it, we should talk a bout about the idea of sex as something to "complete" in the first place, rather than as something that is an experience to be part of, an experience which may or may not include orgasm?

Why do you think you think about sex as something to complete?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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laura_mei
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Hmm...let's see.

I can enjoy sex without an orgasm, but I do think of orgasms as a finish.

I guess part of it is that in my experience so far intercourse is over when the male party orgasms...and I haven't experienced or thought about another way to transition into other activities.

And part of it is that even though I don't expect to orgasm every time - and therefore I shouldn't expect a partner to, either - I still feel like I haven't managed to please my partner somehow.

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Heather
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Okay.

So, what I'd suggest is seeing if, over time, you can't change the channel with how you think about this, and figure that sex is finished when anyone or everyone feels finished with it.

Because really, that's much more like the reality of not just most people's sexual lives, but of sexual lives people enjoy. That also can help you let go of the sexist idea that sex is "over" by default when "the male" reaches orgasm. Which is obviously not just a problem per sexism, it's a problem if and when a guy doesn't and certainly poses a tricky conundrum when people are engaging in sex but no one involved is male. [Razz]

You might also see if you can't come to terms with the fact that it's not you "job" as a sexual partner to...well, do a job. To be The Pleaser, in this respect or any other. It's your job to be respectful and considerate, for sure. It's your job to do what you can, within the realm of what you also want to do, to be open to exploring and expressing pleasure and intimacy with a partner. But really, that's about it.

Not only does not reaching orgasm mean someone didn't experience pleasure, but you know, sometimes when orgasm doesn't happen and sometimes even when it does, that person, or anyone involved, might not feel pleased. And that should be okay, because sex, again, is really about an experience, about trying things, more than it's about some kind of means to an end.

Not to be too cheesy, but it really is supposed to be a journey, not a destination. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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