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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I don't know when to orgasm, please help me.

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Author Topic: I don't know when to orgasm, please help me.
kingkanu
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If I orgasm when I'm feeling really worried then it doesn't feel good.

Should I make sure that I'm not feeling really worried when I orgasm?

But it's tiring working out how worried I've been or how worried I'm feeling to make sure of that

. I only want to orgasm when it's going to feel good.

But if I'm really worried then it doesn't feel good.

It's just tiring trying to work out how worried I've been to then see if I want to orgasm or not.

ANSWER THIS:

Do you think I should try to work out how worried I think I have been feeling before deciding to cum? Because if I don't, and I have been really worried, it might not feel good.

Thoughts?

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Robin Lee
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HI kingkanu and welcome to Scarleteen,

So, if I'm understanding you correctly, the amount of stress and worry you feel affects how orgasm feels. It's not at all uncommon for people to experience sexual activities and sexual responses differently when things haven't been going well or they're just generally feeling not okay.

The soundest advice I can give you is to follow your gut and do what feels good to you. if that means checking in with yourself and thinking about whether there's been a lot of worry lately, then by all means do that. if it means trying to decrease the amount of worry in your life, you could certainly look at whether that is possible, and if so, how you'd go about it. If it means not worrying about whether you're worried and just going ahead with sexual activity, that's okay too if it feels okay for you.

What do you feel like would make things more comfortable for you right now?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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What would you suggest?

I'm getting stressed about being worried. If I'm going to be thinking about how worried I am or have been feeling it feels like it's complicated.

I would then also want to think about how worried I WILL be feeling in the future. So I wouldn't want to orgasm if I thought I would start feeling worried during orgasm.

But Worry makes it feel worse.I just don't see how I can just ignore it if I want them to feel good. But if I'm sitting there focusing on how worried I have been feeling / am feeling / will be feeling, it's too much.

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kingkanu
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Am I over thinking this or should I consider how worried I think I will be feeling if I orgasm.
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Robin Lee
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You're the only one who can know whether you're overthinking this. [Smile]

Let's take a step backwards. Are we talking about masturbation here, or about sexual activities with a partner, or both? Do you find that your level of worry affects how aroused you feel, or just how orgasm feels?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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Masturbation and just how the orgasm feels.

I don't know if I should predict how worried I think I will be feeling during orgasm and then decide to have an orgasm or not based on how much anxiety I think will be present during the orgasm.

Or just to stop thinking.

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Robin Lee
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So, are you saying that you feel worried during the orgasm? I think I misunderstood and thought that you meant feeling worried in general.

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Robin

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kingkanu
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During the orgasm.

But I don't want to sit there and predict how worried I think I will be feeling during orgasm before I decide to do it.

But I don't see how I can avoid the times I will be really worried without doing this.

Or I just stop thinking about all of this lol

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Robin Lee
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What specifically do you worry about? Do you think about something specific that worries you, or is it just more of a worried feeling?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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I worry about how good it will feel.

So if I think I'm going to feel really worried I wouldnt want to cum.

But I dont want to sit there and analyse how worried I'm going to be feeling if I cum or how worried I will be feeling if I don't cum.

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kingkanu
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I worry about how good it will feel.

So if I think I'm going to feel really worried I wouldnt want to cum.

But I dont want to sit there and analyse how worried I'm going to be feeling if I orgasm or how worried I will be feeling if I don't orgasm

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Robin Lee
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One of the options you mentioned above was to try not thinking about this so much in general. Have you tried that? If so, how did it work for you?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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Do you think I should?

Or if you were me would you try to predict how you would feel before you start having an orgasm?

Would you sit there and predict how you're worried you're going to feel if you orgasm and then decide to orgasm from that?

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kingkanu
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What would you do?
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Robin Lee
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Well, I'm not you, so I'm not really sure how helpful what I would do would be for you.

What I think generally works well for people though is to try one way of doing something, and see if it helps. Then if it doesn't help, one can try another way.

So, if you haven't tried this, what do you think of, for the next few times you masturbate, reminding yourself that you're not going to think about whether you're going to feel worried about it?

Also, what do you think makes you worry about whether it's going to feel good or not?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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Because I really want them to feel good and don't want to do it unless they will feel good.

I know you say you're not me.

BUT from what I said, what would you do?

Would you predict how worried you are going to feel and then cum?

Or would you stop thinking?

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Robin Lee
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Well, I think I would try seeing how it went if I stopped thinking about how worried I might or might not be. If that didn't work, then I'd revisit the question and figure something else out.

I think it's also worth mentioning that not every orgasm is going to feel the same. That is, some of them are gong to feel really fantastic, and some are going to feel nice, but not necessarily anything special. So, it's common to experience orgasms not feeling the same all the time. Do you think knowing this might help you worry less?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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So do you think I should predict each time how worried I think I will feel during orgasm and then decide.

Or just not bother with it.

What if I am currently feeling worried, I would know that without having to think about it. So if I know about it, I would still want to have a good orgasm so would I wait until I was less worried or what?

I'm confuuuuuuuuuused

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Karybu
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Waiting until you're less worried to have an orgasm is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

I admit I'm a little bit confused by this discussion though, because I don't really see how having an orgasm that doesn't feel omgfantastic is a huge loss, or somehow a waste of time, which is (and correct me if I'm wrong) the impression I'm getting from your posts. It's not like we all get a certain number of orgasms in our life, and if one isn't amazing, then we've wasted one, you know? Sometimes, as Robin said, orgasms just aren't going to feel that great. That might be because of stress, and in that case, it usually is possible to tell ahead of time that we are stressed and therefore masturbating/having an orgasm isn't likely to feel the best, but sometimes it just happens without any easily identifiable cause and that's not something we can know ahead of time. In which case, yeah, not the outcome you were hoping for, but it's not like you've done yourself any harm or lost something or missed out on anything.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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kingkanu
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But if I wait until I'm feeling less worried to have an orgasm then that's when it gets confusing.

I would also want to wait until I HAD been feeling less worried. I would also want to wait until I THINK I WON'T BE feeling really worried.

So kind of thinking about past, present and future.

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kingkanu
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Anyone?
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Robin Lee
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I'm still not clear on whether you're saying that you're worried about the orgasm itself, or whether you're feeling worry about other things and that worry is affecting your orgasm.

I'm wondering if you're saying that because previous orgasms haven't felt the way you wanted them to feel that that makes you worry that any other orgasm you have might feel the same.

I think we're going in circles a little here.

So, we talked above about the possibility of you just trying not to overthink this so much and see if that helps. Is that something you're willing to try?

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Robin

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kingkanu
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It's because others haven't been good and that I'm worried that they won't feel good again like the next time.

So I only want to do it I'm happy with how worried I think I'm going to be if I make a prediction about how worried I think I would be if I came.

But is that over thinking do you think?

Do you think I should be analysing how worried I've been and how worried I think I'm going to be feeling and then making a decision on if to orgasm or not?

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Heather
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Hey kingkanu: I'm coming in late top this, but have read it through. I'd be happy to talk with you about this, but I feel like there's some information I'm missing that I'd need to help you well.

I hear that experiencing orgasm that doesn't "feel good" is HUGELY loaded for you. But I'm not sure what "doesn't feel good" means to you. Do you experience physical or emotional pain at these times?

Or, are we talking about orgasm just not feeling like much to write home about, being boring, etc? If it's like that, can you perhaps fill me in on what lackluster orgasm experiences are feeling like such a scary thing to you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kingkanu
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It's just that they don't feel good, there is no pain.

Hence why I don't want to start having an orgasm if I think I'm going to feel really worried about it. Becasue if I'm going to feel really worried, there is little chance of it feeling good.

But if I sit there and think about:
1) how worried I've been feeling
2) how worried I am feeling
3) how worried I think I will be feeling

and then making a deicison to orgasm or not, is that over thinking?

If you were me, would you be predicting how worried you think you would feel if you had an orgasm?

Because that way, I feel that I can try to pick the times that anxiety won't stop it feeling good.

What do you think and what would you do?

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Heather
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I'm still not sure I understand.

What happens if an orgasm doesn't feel good? I mean, what's so bad for you about that? What's the terrible thing you think you think will happen if it doesn't feel good?

I'm not you, but I'd not say I've ever experienced worries about an orgasm not being awesome. My lifelong experience with orgasm is that it's something that varies quite a lot, where orgasm can be everything from blast-off-in-the-sky amazing to kind of like sneezing, where it happens, but it's not something I'd be calling the newspaparers about, you know? I tend to figure that orgasm, much like the rest of sex, is something where there's very little predicting how I'll feel about it or how it will feel, so it's not something I'll tend to go into unless I'm open to some level of adventure, including a really boring one. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kingkanu
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But if you were really worried about it, you wouldn't want to do it would you?

So if I think I'm going to react really badly and have high levels of anxiety if I have an orgasm then I wouldn't want to orgasm.

But should I be considering that fact or just not think about how worried I may or may not be?

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Heather
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If I felt a lot of anxiety at any given time, I wouldn't choose to engage in sex, period, for a bunch of reasons.

The biggest being that sex with another person doesn't tend to be very good self-care during times of anxiety, and can only tend to amp it. Instead, I'd recognize feelings of anxiety as cues to take care of myself in some way.

And if I kept experiencing anxiety around any part of sex, period, I'd probably step away from sex full-stop until I figured out what that anxiety was really about and made some progress on working through it.

(It would really be helpful if you could answer some of my questions, btw, rather than just asking more of your own. I'm asking what I have to get information so I can do my job best and serve you as well as possible.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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