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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Is privacy too much to ask?

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Author Topic: Is privacy too much to ask?
KoiFish
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Recently, I have told my mother that my boyfriend and I have been pretty seriously considering having sex. She was actually way cooler about it than I expected, and I feel really good that I can talk to her about this. My father doesnt know yet, or at least not from anything that me and mother have directly said to him, but I am fairly positive he suspects that I am interested in having sex. He isn't exactly all for it but hes not throwing a fit or anything. My boyfriend and I fool around a lot when he comes over, but lately I have been feeling really uncomfortable about the amount of privacy we get. One of my parents is always home, they don't leave together very often. I don't exactly desire to have my family accidentally walk in on something and I dont feel comfortable doing very much with them in the house anyways, because my room is so close to the living room and everyone walks by it kind of frequently.. It is getting to be kind of frustrating to feel like we dont get enough privacy, so I was wondering if it would be too much to ask my mom if we could get a little more alone time somehow? Or would that not be very cool beanz? Thanks.
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Robin Lee
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Hi KoiFish,

That's really great that you and your Mom have been able to talk so openly. Yay for you for taking the plunge in starting the conversation, and yay for your Mom for responding with courtesy.

Since it sounds like your lines of communication are pretty open, it doesn't seem unreasonable for you to ask your Mom if privacy for you and your boyfriend is a possibility. How do you think you'll feel or react if she says no?

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Robin

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KoiFish
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I would probably not be especially pleased if she says no but I couldn't really do much about it after that.
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Robin Lee
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Is this something you're comfortable asking her, then?

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Robin

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KoiFish
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Well I asked her yesterday and she said "What do you need privacy for? We all live here." And idk. I was like welllll this is vaguely awkward lol. I dont think she understood me very well but I was too embarrassed after that to say anything else about it. I mean all I really want is at leassst my door to be closed since it is right in the the middle of everything.
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Robin Lee
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So, it sounds like part of what you wanted to ask her is if she had a problem with you closing your door wheny your boyfriend is over. Has the question of whether your door is open or closed come up before?

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Robin

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KoiFish
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No and idk what to do with my mother right now because she will be like you can talk to me about anything and then she will do stuff like this: we were in the car tonight and she asked me jokingly if me and my boyfriend were having oral sex and I said no and its not like we would ever get the opportunity to anyways. I was also just kind of joking because well thats how me and my mom talk a lot I guess [Razz] by teasing each other. And shes like well good then. and i was like oooookay... and she also asked me if i had chilled my beanz on the whole sex thing and i was like well mother this is nice. I dont know how to get past this with her, she really thinks I am making "bad choices" and she even kind of says so sometimes. I dont know how to help her to see this differently
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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey KoiFish, so now it does sound like she's against the idea of you and your boyfriend being sexual... or at least discouraging it, by questioning your need for privacy, but without directly telling you 'no'.

On the one hand it's nice that she wants to maintain your friendly relationship with her, and so is avoiding saying stuff like "No, you're not allowed to have sex".

If you do want to pursue sex with your boyfriend in your family home it sounds to me like some level of confrontation might be necessary. You might say to her that you understand her opposition, and you respect it, you've thought about it but you do feel ready and prepared for sex, you'd like her support in that and part of that is a respect for your privacy. She seems to have kept that option open to you by asking "What do you need privacy for?" (I think she knows what for!) being able to tell her that might display a level of maturity that she can respect, and asking for her help and support could be a good way for her to feel important to you still. I know I'd feel good if I had kids who asked me that way.

Unfortunately it might not go so well, she may say she really doesn't want it and can't support you. Sex at home would then be something quite difficult to do, but at least it wouldn't be ambiguous any more, and you might have to think about making arrangements away from home or delaying things.

If you don't confront her at all, it sounds to me like it will be difficult to get her support (and your privacy), but you will have avoided vocal disagreement with her which, for now at least, may be preferable to having a shot at being able to play sexually with your boyfriend at home, which by contrast might feel like it can wait.

My experience has been that as difficult as it can be, telling parents how we feel and that we disagree with them is an important and necessary step towards so many types of personal growth, it can feel really great to have stand up for yourself and for me has always been worth it... it is also an important part of growth in that parent-offspring relationship to something new.

[ 02-16-2013, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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KoiFish
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Okay thanks. And another thing, this one is about my father. He has kind of been catching on a little bit, and I think that he is really freaked out and offended. The last time my boyfriend was over, after my mom went to sleep, he came into my room and asked me if i was "being a frisky hussy". And I was just like ............. what? and he got all offended at me and scoffed and went away when I told him to let me change into my pajamas and I shut the door. And whenever my mother isn't home, or when she is asleep, he uses that opportunity to start harassing me about "giving it away" or about my grades and how disappointed he is in me. My grades are good though, I have As and only a few A-s and one B+ that can be taken care of very quickly. A few days ago when he was watching a movie I walked in and sat down during a scene where a couple were in an argument that they resolved with kisses and etc and my dad says "do you know why they are fighting?" and i said no why. "because he wants her to give it up (referring to having sex and therefore giving her virginity away) and she wont do it" and going on and on and on and on about it. Luckily something happened that ended that convo.. Last night he was talking to me again and told me that I was disrespectful to him by being all "lovey dovey" in front of him (which i try not to do because I know how he is) and telling me that I treat him bad and he treats me so good and etc. Well, while my father does treat us well, I guess, there are some things where he doesn't. Like about grades and things like boyfriends or things pertaining to sex. And I have been getting snappy with him lately, but usually only when he is being a weirdo about afore mentioned things. I don't know what to do about him. He doesn't like to listen to anyone and my mom says when I talked to her about it that he just he feels like its his job to be the butthole and she has been sticking up for me a little bit, but that just makes father mad and he harasses me about that later when shes gone.
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