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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » sexual dysfunction?? (Page 1)

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Author Topic: sexual dysfunction??
Pixiie
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I'm 18 yrs old and recently lost my virginity to my bf in the beginning of january. The first couple of times I felt nothing and thought ok maybe its normal. But now its almost April and I'm still experiencing the same proiblem, this problem goes for oral as well as masturbation. Its starting to worry me and consume my every thought, me and my bf try different methods and positions but nothing seems to work. I often feel mytself envying him becuz he is able to feel sensation while I am not and I'm tired of just laying there! I used to fake it and tell him that I did feel pleasure becuz I was tired of tellin him that I didn't, I jus don't want to feel like a dissapointment anymore. Its getting at my self asteem I can tell. I need help I know that this is somthing that can either make or break our relationship. Can you plz let me know what I should do next? And am I brooken? I just want toe normal this is not how I planned my sex life to be.

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Let me check in with a few questions first.

When you're having any kind of sex, whether it's alone or with your boyfriend, are you already feeling very turned on beforehand? Are you staying turned on throughout?

As you're doing things, are you trying lots of things, communicating about what feels good and doesn't?

When you say you don't feel any sensation, what do you mean by that? Are you talking about your whole body, or just your genitals? Do you feel your partner's skin? The pressure of their body? The heat from their body, etc?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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When I am abou to have any kind of I do feel very turned on, but as the sex is beganed I feel his body and his skin and his gentails but I dnt feel very turned on becuz I'm unable to feel or reach a climax in other words it feels as though my clitoris isn't working. I'm just there while my bf is able to feel pleasure and sensation as well as reach a climax but I am unable to feel any of that.its kinda hard to explain becuz I'm not sure what sex is supposed to rlly feel like, I kno its not what I feel becuz I'm left feeling unaccomplished and frustrated.

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Pixiee

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Karybu
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Does this go for ALL kinds of sex, or just intercourse? How does masturbation feel for you? Also, are you very familiar with what it feels like to be incredibly turned on, in your whole body, not just your genitals?

[ 03-25-2011, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Pixiie
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This goes for all kinds pf sex and masturbation as well. Nothing seems to work for me. I am planning on buying a vibrator but idk if it will work.

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Pixiee

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Karybu
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(I edited my last post after you replied - could you answer the last question for me?)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Pixiie
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To answer your last question I do or I have experienced being completly turned on when it wasn't jus in my body but as well in my mind but it was only about 3 times and under certain curcumstances

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Pixiee

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Karybu
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Okay. So, if you're not very turned on when you're trying to have any kind of sex, it really isn't surprising that it doesn't feel like much. Arousal is physical, for sure, but there's a huuuuuuuge mental component to it as well, and that can really affect how our bodies respond. A vibrator isn't going to do much if you're not in the headspace to be enjoying yourself to begin with.

Obviously, having sex when you're not into it isn't going to be fun and can be really frustrating, so for now, unless you find yourself really turned on and really wanting to, just don't. If at some point you do find yourself really wanting to be sexual, only do what feels good, and if it stops feeling good, just stop period.

These times you say you've been really, really turned on: have they been with a partner? If so, have you communicated with them what feels good and what doesn't?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Pixiie
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The times that I am very turned on I am with my bf, but the twist is it usually when were by one anothers home and were hanging out and a parent is home. I'm not so sure why its just those times that I am at my highest point but it happens that way, and with that I will nver be able to to truly kno if I'm able to feel sensation when I'm completly turned on becuz there wud be a third party in the house as well.

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Pixiee

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Karybu
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There's nothing wrong with needing specific conditions to be turned on and enjoy yourself - not everyone is comfortable in every situation, and that's totally fine and normal. That said, it can definitely be tough to really let go and relax fully when you know that there are other people around, so is it possible to be together when it's just the two of you? (Obviously that's not always an option, but is it ever?)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Pixiie
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You say its normal for me..but I jus don't want my bf to take it the wrong way, and Yea were alone togetherjust about everyday afterschool for maybe 2 or 3 hours

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Pixiee

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Heather
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It sounds like it's possible you both might have unrealistic expectations about sex and sexual response.

Do you feel like your orgasm is about validating your boyfriend or that he feels that way? If so, have you two talked about that so you can make clear it's not about that and it's important neither of you put those kinds of pressures on you to respond certain ways?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I also want to make sure to give you some information that I think might help clear up some misconceptions I'm seeing, lie the idea that not reaching orgasm is about having a clitoris that doesn't work (it isn't: orgasm isn't about genitals).

Here's a few to start with I think might be good for you:
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• An Immodest Proposal

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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He isn't looking for an orgasm from me or puts that pressure he jus wants me to feel good and feel the connection that he feel. If anyonbes putting pressure on anyone its me I put pressure on myself. I feel that I'm supposed to feel this amazing thing that helps make sex so great and or at least feel physically fulfilled. Instead frustration is all I feel. I don't know why I'm unactive during sex or oral sex as well as masturbating, but I waited till I was 18 to lose my virginity an too someone who loves me and I love and this is my outcome. I guess I let it bottle up for so long that now it just consumes me

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Pixiee

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Heather
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One thing I think you need to really remind yourself of is that sex is like anything else: having it be great usually takes time and practice. If you just started exploring sex twoish months ago, you are JUST starting in your learning process with this.

Same goes for your partner learning about what feels good for you and works for you: he's just starting to learn about you, too.

Sex feeling fulfilling is about a LOT more than orgasm: just because people orgasm doesn't mean they will feel satisfied. orgasm alone isn't going to do that for an awful lot of people. Most people, really.

So, you could have started having sex of any kind years ago, or waited another ten years, and no matter what, you'd still have a learning curve. Everyone does.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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I understand I jus don't kno how to stop feeling frustrated after and envious a bit off of my bf becuz he can experience wat I cannot.

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Can you fill me in on what you mean by that? In other words, what is he experiencing that you aren't?

And which of those things are things you know he is and you aren't, and which of them are things you think he is without being able to know for sure what his experience really is?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also, have you ever thought about perhaps slowing things way back down, so that you have more time to explore and get to know your own sexuality first so that you don't feel this kind of inequity so strongly?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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When were having intercourse, his eyes are closed he's tlkin to me, tells me it feels good or things like omg. Stuff that indicate to me that he is feeling a great sense of pleasure and sensation where as with me my eyes are open I'm laying there and I have no type of experience going on with me. I have tried to take things back to slow things dwn and start from square one but its like impossible to go to sex back to jus "holding hands". Also I'm so determined to feel something or have the next time be alittle better at least that I suggest sex regularly.I also dnt kno how to tell him we shud take a step back with out offending him or making sure he doesn't take it in a wrong way.

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Well, one thing to know for starters is that when it comes to intercourse, that is an activity, by itself, that tends to result in much more sensation for people with a penis than it does for people with a vulva. And if he's coming to that activity way turned on, he's going to feel much more from it than if you're coming to it without being big-time turned on.

You know, it's not anything close to impossible to scale things back. People, of all ages, can and do do it.

So, first of all, have you told your partner you want to scale things way back for a while? What wrong way do you worry he'll take it in? For instance, if you say, "Hey, this just isn't feeling good for me yet, I'm getting really frustrated, and I think a part of the problem has been moving too fast. So, I need us to pull things back, go back to things like just making out, doing some full-body touching (whatever) for a while." How do you think he'll respond?

I have to say, I really question your approach of continuing to have sex when it's not feeling good to you with the idea that if you just keep at it as you have been, it will. because what is more likely to happen in that that won't change or you might wind up feeling even worse.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I should also add that feeling like you can't ask a partner for what you need very openly and honestly? That's yet another HUGE barrier to enjoying sex and reaching orgasm.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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I understand and I will definitly tlk to him about taking things back for a while and actually stick by it. I have two other questions one is do you think this can break our relationship this issuse I'm facing? And second me and my bf were planning for me to visit an OBGYN or planned parenthood do you feel its still needed since I'm going to slow things down now? We just thought I many have had a medical problem or something

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Pixiee

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Pixiie
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To answer your other question, I'm just a very closed off person I find it hard to tlk to ppl about things especially ppl I feel vunerable with. I just don't want to do or say something that cud put my relationship at risk giiven my past bf's I've been dumped for a lot of outrageous things

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Pixiee

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Heather
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It is highly unlikely you have a medical problem. Most of the time, problems with sex like this aren't physical, they're about your heart, your mind, and about the circumstances of your sex life, not about your body. I can already see clearly a handful of reasons why you're having the issues you are, for instance, not not a one of them is physical.

If needing more than a few months to learn to enjoy sex, to figure out what you like, and to become orgasmic would "break" a relationship, then you'd have to know that relationship wasn't so great in the first place. No healthy relationship that's about real, whole people with realistic expectations should crumble because one partner who is very new to sexual partnership isn't having the best time ever right away.

I'd even stop calling this an "issue." It really sounds like you've been moving awfully fast, and that both of you are expecting things that just aren't reasonable to expect. It also sounds like you've been trying to make something happen for some iffy reasons, like feeling you have to orgasm (and maybe also have sex?) to keep your partner around. In other words, what's going on here isn't just about you, by yourself, and it also doesn't have to be a big problem unless you or him make it one. Do you know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Can I also check in with you on something else: how long have you and this boyfriend been together again? Did you two have a lot of lead-up time before you started being sexual together, like a few months before there was any ind of sex?

And when you started being sexual with him, did you feel in your life, for yourself, that you felt really ready to be sexual with someone else?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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I know what you mean, but being dumped from a year of being pressured by someone I rlly cared about almost a year and a half ago I guess has done something to me mentally even though I nver thought it would. I also know that my bf would nver do that to me and tht sex is not an expectation for him. I knew my bf since 9th grade we been talking romanticly since september and made it oifficial in december and in january I lost my virginity to him, but I wasn't becuz I was forced or that it was brought up. I jus felt I was now ready and that I couldn't find a more special person to share it with cuz I nver met anyone who treated me like a princess and my parents love so much and so do I

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Pixiee

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Heather
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If someone pressured you for sex and dumped you when you wouldn't cave, while I'm sure it hurt, it's a good thing you are not with that person. because having sex with them? It wouldn't have given you a healthy relationship. It just would have kept you in something unhealthy with a jerk. hardly a bonus, that.

In terms of the timing with this relationship, a lot of the time, just loving someone doesn't make us ready for sex. How ready you are isn't just about your relationship or that person, for one, it's about you, on your own, your sexuality, and how in touch with it you already feel. If you went into this without really taking the time to do that, to first get in touch with it yourself, and be very gradual in getting to sex together, it's not surprising you're having the kinds of experiences that you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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Ok I will try to start over again and start from square one as well as communicating better being that was already an issue I had. I just had no idea they were all tied in together before today I was stuck thinkin sex was just physical but now I kno it is everything put into one. I want to be able to get to that point with him, where I can let go of all my insecurities and communicate. How can I get to that point?

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Pixiee

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Heather
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First of all, this piece might help to read for yourself and maybe share with him when it comes to slowing things down: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/whoa_there_how_to_slow_down_when_youre_moving_too_fast

quote:
I want to be able to get to that point with him, where I can let go of all my insecurities and communicate. How can I get to that point?
Well, that's about a lot of things. It's about self-esteem and self-confidence, but also about really taking the time you need to build trust and comfort. None of those things are usually instant for anyone, no matter how much they love someone: they are things we tend to build, over time.

If you only really started being sexual/getting to know your sexuality with him, you might also need to take more time to get to know it on your own so you can develop your own comfort with it, and get your own knowledge, then move that outward to a relationship. That's not something someone else can just give you or that will be automatic, either.

Does that all make sense?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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Yes it makes plenty sense.
Thank you so much for your time I really apprieciate it! :-)

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Of course. [Smile]

If you have a little more time, and you'd like me to tell you why even the term "sexual dysfunction" is one you should ditch, and explain why it's so problematic, especially for women, I'd be happy to.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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Of course! I'd really like that

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Okay. So, that term is actually one primarily invented by pharmaceutical companies: in other words, it's a term mostly used by folks who want to try and find a way to make a profit off of people by making medicines that, when it comes to the usual issues with something like this, medicines aren't likely to do anything for.

With women who have male partners specifically, that term is usually applied to basically express women feeling like because they don't like what the guys do, or they don't get off the way the guys do (or want them to) is about a problem with women. And that's not true: what's usually the problem is a) that those women aren't exploring their own sexuality and asking for what they need and b) room is not being made my their partners or in their relationships for the people in them to not need the same things.

For instance, like we talked about with male people usually finding intercourse much more satisfying than female people, or perhaps you needing more time than your partner does to feel comfortable. Those aren't medical issues nor are there medical solutions to them, and those things aren't about anyone being "dysfunctional."

That's a SERIOUS summation of a very big issue -- because this also is a problem when we're talking about disability and some other things -- but hopefully that gives you the gist.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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I understand now ..so basically getting intouch our selves sexually first basically masturbation..(yet I struggle wit it) becuz noone else can give us wat were looking for but ourselves

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Pixiee

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Heather
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I'd say you're getting the bigger picture, for sure.

I'd not say that no one else can give us what we're looking for, but rather that it's really hard to find out what we need and like just with someone else, and we certainly can't find out FROM someone else. Someone else also can't make us comfortable with our sexuality: we have to have our own comfort with us.

It might help to think about how we say "sexual partnership," and that the word partnership there is important. A partner isn't someone who does things to us or for us, but who we do things with together, as a team. Know what I mean?

And again, don't forget that just a few months of doing all of this? That is SUCH a teeny, tiny amount of time, especially if you didn't even masturbate before, have a lot of talks about sexuality, be VERY gradual in terms of taking the time to slowly be sexual with someone, rather than going from nothing to all, or have a good sense of your own sexuality before you had a partner.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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