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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Orgazm Is Uncomfortable, Not Pleasurable

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Author Topic: Orgazm Is Uncomfortable, Not Pleasurable
cagedbird123
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I have female ejaculation and it is usually urine and I find it utterly disgusting and on top of that it doesn't feel good. Why are orgasms so uncomfortable instead of pleasurable? Am I truely experiencing orgasm or something else? I just hate to cum and I didn't know if that was weird.
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Robin Lee
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When you say that orgasms are uncomfortable, are you talking about the sensation of ejaculating or about something else? Do you experience pleasure up until orgasm?

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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No, I do not experience pleasure before, during, or after orgasm. Ejaculation itself is very unpleasurable and usually forced (or feels forced).
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Heather
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Female ejaculation isn't urine or urination. We know those things are different.

So, if you feel confident you're urinating when you don't want to, don't intend to, and can't control it, that's something to see a doctor about, because you may be dealing with a health issue that needs addressing.

Pain or physical discomfort with orgasm, if you're experiencing that, is another thing to check in with a sexual healthcare provider about.

This is one of a couple posts where you've expressed that you don't tend to enjoy the experience of sex, even though there's another where you're expressing frustration your parents don't support you engaging in sex.

But can I ask, since it sounds like most, if not all, of what sex can involve isn't something you like, if you've tried not engaging in any sex that doesn't feel good to you? After all, sex isn't a requirement, it's an option, and it's about pleasure. So, if it's not something we feel good about, or find feels good to us, we don't have to be engaging in it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Btw, I just noticed your other post where you've been struggling with UTIs. So, it's totally possible this -- if it is urine -- is related to that, and that you have some urinary/bladder health issues that may need to be resolved or more deeply investigated.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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I like the intamate closeness I get with my partner during sex, I like exploring him and giving him pleasure. I find mastrabation, fingering, oral, and intercouse either uncomfortable or boring. I mention it lightly to my partner, but I don't say much because it really bothers him that I don't feel good too and then he wants us to never do it again. I have a pretty high and irratic libido. Sex interests me and I like the idea of it.
I have some theories on why I don't have good feelings about sex:

1. There is a high probability of having dopamine defficency depression (I know I have depression, my doctor is debating on what kind.)
2. I've never been able to be in a comfortable relaxed situation during sexual activity.
3. I have some sort of illness or defect.

There is a good chance I have some wierd thing that causes these bladder issues. My UTIs and my "ejaculation" are not always conected. I can have one without the other at times. I do urinate when I "orgasm" and it's not intentional, but it is even more uncomfortable if I don't. That's why I try to avoid cumming all together.

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Heather
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I think maybe part of the disconnect we're having here is about terms.

When you say "sex" that means to me, as a sex educator, anything a person can do to explore or express their sexuality. is that what you mean?

When you say you enjoy exploring your partner sexually and giving him pleasure, but then list a bunch of activities you say are boring, I'm assuming, then, you mean the sex with your partner you like does NOT involve those activities?

You also say you're not ever feeling aroused, but that you're experiencing female ejaculation, which is something that, if that's what it is, isn't going to be happening when someone isn't aroused. Orgasm also rarely occurs when someone hasn't been aroused first, usually very aroused.

See why I keep feeling more and more confused?

Perhaps you can clear those questions up for me, and this will become a lot easier to talk about?

Also, I have to tell you, that from everything I know at now around 15 years of this work, I know that sexual relationships where partners don't tell partners big stuff like that they really don't like certain activities, that that just isn't healthy for people, and tends to have very negative effects on those relationships and the people's sexualities within them. Also, if your partner has said he doesn't want to have any kind of sex with you that doesn't feel good to you and that you don't like, and you are dishonest about that because you don't want him to say no, that's actually disrespecting a boundary it sounds like he's set pretty profoundly.

So, I really can't advise you strongly enough to consider changing that pattern. I can talk with you about how to do that, if you like.

Mind, the more you say, even in the parts where I'm unclear, the more I feel that it sounds clearly like being sexually active just isn't a sound thing for you right now, for quite a long litany of reasons, from having healthcare issues that haven't been resolved, to no place or environment to engage in sex in where you are comfortable and have the freedom to take time, to a partner you don't feel you can be honest with about big stuff, to you saying you just don't like what you're doing, way more than you DO like it.

[ 01-24-2013, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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Then maybe what I'm experiencing isn't orgasm. It generally onlly happens when a lot of pressure is put on my G-spot.
I let him finger me etc. because he enjoys doing so. I enjoy pleasuring him in any way I can. I do like preforming sexual acts on him.
I don't want to tell him that I don't feel the extreme pleasure he does (I've told him three times and each time he got very upset and blamed himself and swore off sex until it felt good for me too. I convinced him to continue sexual activity because I liked making him happy and I wanted to continue trying). I don't want to upset him again so I only mention it lightly. I don't want him to blame himself.

I crave sex and I think about it and I like the idea. I think it's facinating, but in the act it just seems mildly interesting and odd, like it is what it is, no extreme sensation or pleasure. I don't know why I continue to crave it.
My current partner is my only partner. He was my first. I feel like I'm defective because I cannot give him all he wants physically, not only his pleasure, but mine too.

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Heather
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Like I said in your other post, it's really hard for us to help you out if, when we ask questions, you don't answer them.

Can you clear up what I was asking about terms for me, please? Thanks.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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I'm very sorry that I'm confusing you and stressing you out.

To me sex is intercourse, but the word may also include oral sex or fingering/hand jobs.

Arousal is an increased desire for sex (almost always intercourse) or (rarely) physical intamacy.

Physical entamacy is nonsexual physical acts (cuddling, kissing, caressing, massages, etc.)

Orgasm is the pleasure climax of sex.

Cumming is ejaculation (etheir pre-ejaculation or ejaculation that happens during orgasm).

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Robin Lee
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Hi cagedbird123,


Mind if I incorporate what you've been talking about in your various threads? It's a bit challenging to keep jumping around and remembering things from different conversations. [Smile]

Linking some of your threads together, I'm wondering if you've shared your feelings about gender with your partner, and how you're feeling in general. That can be something that pretty strongly affects how we feel about and experience sexual situations.


I'm also not really clear: Are you currently engaging in sexual activities with your boyfriend? I'm not 100% clear on that since you've discussed the constraints you have on your relationships.


Overall, though, It sounds like you're dealing with a whole bunch of things right now that are very likely affecting how you're experiencing your sexuality. Think of it this way: You're trying to solve a bunch of problems at once, your depression and your bladder issues being the primary ones. Depression and bladder issues can both affect how someone experiences and interacts with their sexuality (I.E. having both issues being treated can change the way we experience both sex and sexuality ) so it makes sense to us that it would be well worth it to maybe table this discussion until you have some clearer diagnoses and at least a plan for treatment.

It would also be helpful to know if you have discussed your sexual difficulties with your doctor. These can give your doctor some insights as to what is going on with you, so if you haven't discussed this, I'd encourage you to do so.

What we can do right now is give you some reading material. These two articles look at sexual pleasure in a variety of ways and might give you some new ways of thinking about sex, sexuality, and all the other terms you listed above.


With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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My partner and I have and are discussing my gender identity and transition (if I chose to start playing a male role in society while retaining my female body). He's bisexual so he doesn't mind what I look like or who I want to identify with. He's very supportive in all my persutes. He and I are trying to work out the answers to some of my questions.

Yes, we are sexualy active and on very rare occasions we practice physical intamacy and even sex (intercourse or, more commonly, fingering/hand jobs).

I am being treated with seratonine for my depression, but it does nothing to me, so my doctor is going to try and swich me to dopamine pills in four months (I was diagnosed with dopamine depression, but you can only take the pills if you are 18+). I have not talked to my doctor about my UTIs in link with my sexual activity, or about my sexual activity at all. My mother is always with me and I find doctors intimidating. I don't know how to set up my own apointment or pay for it or anything. I am getting a pap smear at somepoint but I don't know when and my mom will be there.
I also need to have a STI test (my partner has had one other partner before me). How do I arange all this?

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Robin Lee
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Your Mom doesn't have to be with you during the appointments. You have the right to request some alone time with the doctor, and the doctor should support you in that.

If you're using your parents' insurance, then you certainly will need them to be involved in your appointments in some way, but you are allowed to talk with your doctor alone.


Are you also seeing a therapist for the depression? If so, it is a good idea to mention your sexual experiences to them, as, again, I think that can give your medical care team a clearer understanding of what is going on with you.

Alternatively, for your sexual healthcare, if you have independent time, transportation, and some money available to you, you have the option of finding a sexual health clinic in your area and going there. Many sexual health clinics have a sliding-scale program, though finding one that can offer all services for free can be difficult.

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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I don't see a therapist any more and even if I did I wouldn't talk to them about my sexual experiences because the last therapist was judgemental, tried to impress her religion appon me, didn't support me at all, and got me in a lot of trouble with my family when I gave her permission to speak to them for me. I confronted her about this and she got angery and called me a bunch of not nice things and basicly told me that I didn't want to get better because I wouldn't try to do things hher way and to not come back until I actually wanted her help.
I've not had good experiences with therapists (probably because they were religious).

I can try to find a clinic, but I'd have no idea how to start. Next time I go in to the doctor than I'll ask my mother to not accompany me.

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Robin Lee
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I'm sorry to hear that you haven't had good experiences with therapists, but it sounds like that was about the therapists themselves and not the process of therapy itself. Considering that you're being treated for depression, I'm surprised that your doctor hasn't recommended that you seek therapy. One of the things that is known about depression is that a combination of meds and therapy have been shown to be one of the more effective treatments.

Did the therapists you saw work in a religious setting or otherwise advertise themselves as religious counsellors? If not, their own personal religion should not play a part in how they work with their clients, and this is something you could ask a potential therapist during a first visit, which is as much for you to see if they're a good fit for you as it is for them to evaluate you.

IN terms of finding a clinic, you could start by searching for clinics in your area, either with your favourite search engine, our Find-a-Doc tool, or both.

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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They did not advertise as religious, but my mother is the one who choses my therapists since I know little about what our insurance covers.

The good news is that I just started my new dopamine medication today (my doctor thought it was alright to let me have it three months early since I'll be 18 soon).

I will look for a clinic. Thank you all for the great help.

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Robin Lee
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Since you will be 18 soon, you'll be in a more advantageous position to seek out a therapist for yourself. Most insurance companies have their provider listings on their Web site, so you could start by looking at the site for the insurance company your family uses. There are often also counselling services available to young people provided on a sliding scale basis. Therapy is something you could ask your doctor about during your time speaking with them alone, or could ask about at a clinic should you choose to go that route.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, between your medical problems and your difficulties with your family, and could benefit from someone to talk with.

Best of luck with the dopamine medication.

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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I couldn't find any with the search you offered me, thought it may be because of the device I'm useing to access the internet (I cannot use my familu compter because my mother has is constantly monitered).
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Robin Lee
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Another question: The doctor treating you: Are they a General Practitioner or a psychiatrist.

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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General practitioner, but their father is a psychiatrist and she offered to let me talk to him, but that was quite a while ago.
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smittenkitten
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Maybe you could raise the issue again with your GP?

I'm sorry you couldn't find anything on Find-a-Doc. If you could post or email (marion@scarleteen.com) your location or zip code I can have a look what's available in your area.

Marion

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cagedbird123
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My partner and I talked all this over and did a bit of trail and error experimenting just recently. We discovered that the most likely reason for my discomfort is my mental, physical, and emotional discomfort. These things (my depression, my worry about my family, my uncertainty, etc.) make is extremely difficult to achieve pleasure. I'm unable to relax and enjoy, basicly.

I'm glad I could figure that out.

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Robin Lee
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That makes a lot of sense.


How do you feel now that you've realized this?

I'm glad you were able to have this discussion with your partner, especially given the limitations you've told us about that you have on the two of you seeing each other and talking freely.

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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I think this will help me wait until I am comfortable and makes me feel a lot better. I really was scared I had something wrong with me.
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