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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Frustrated By Sex Life

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Author Topic: Frustrated By Sex Life
Someonearoundhere
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Member # 97522

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I’m having a problem achieving an orgasm with my boyfriend.

Alone, I’m just fine with fingers or a vibrator or just whatever.

With him, I crave the intimacy of our sexual activities. I love giving him HJ’s, and BJ’s, and I really – really – love having intercourse with him. I’m certain I crave it more than he does.

When I think about when he uses his fingers or his dick in me I even feel a little zing, but during the moment I’m not aroused at all. Mentally I love it, and it is fun for me, but he can’t even get me a little aroused when he’s trying. He’s even tried using his tongue a few times, but doesn’t anymore because I push him away fairly quickly. It’s not that it hurts or anything, I just don’t get anything from it and then I start feeling embarrassed because I’m not aroused by it. We’ve filmed ourselves a few times and later I’ll watch it and feel aroused by watching him do those things to me, but never when we’re actually together.

We’ve talked about it and about what I enjoy more, or less, and he’s willing to help and has expressed no sense of inadequacy over any of this and seems to be taking the “it’ll happen when it happens” approach while still being willing to try anything I throw out there.

The problem is that I’m feeling frustrated by this and don’t have any idea why, or how to fix it. I’ve even tried not masturbating for long periods of time, like two months, to see if maybe if I was sexually frustrated to the point of getting aroused by the littlest things and waking up dreaming about sexual fantasies if I might get aroused with him. It worked a little, in that I became aroused by our activities one night, but after he had climaxed I was trying to finish myself and I dried up and it became painful so I just stopped.

Does anyone have any idea what might be wrong with me?

Thanks =)

[ 12-27-2012, 07:19 AM: Message edited by: Someonearoundhere ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, I'm not hearing anything that suggests anything is wrong with you.

Overall, it sounds like you have a sexual life you enjoy a great deal, but aren't having orgasm with your partner yet, and also aren't comfortable yet with some activities. Nothing 'wrong" about that. That's not unusual as people develop a sexual life with someone.

It also sounds like your partner is very relaxed about this: that's awesome.

You say you feel embarrassed when something isn't arousing to you, and so stop whatever that is. Do you have any sense of why you feel embarrassed? How might you feel about trying not to stop for that reason next time, and see if you don't become more aroused as you go? Maybe by talking to your partner ahead of time about things you could add to the mix you know you do find arousing, that the oral or manual sex for him you've expressed really liking?

Also, have you yet tried masturbating when he's there; with him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Someonearoundhere
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I think I feel embarrassed because I’m not becoming aroused by what he’s doing and we have talked about how I really enjoy doing those things that I’ve already mentioned liking and several other things that I really do like that cross over into a little bit kinky. He knows that I like things rougher; handcuffs and bite marks and scratches have become occasional parts of our sex life because I enjoy those things, but more because it’s mentally arousing to me and not physically. And we also do things soft and loving and romantic because that’s how he usually prefers it.

I’ve never told him why I don’t like it when he focuses on me and in all honesty he can be a little slow on picking up subtle body language so he probably just thinks I don’t like it. He and I have learned fairly quickly that we have to actually spell things out for each other when we do or do not like things and I’m usually very honest.

I’ve just been extremely embarrassed and so didn’t say anything, maybe part of the reason I’ve not talked to him about this is knowing that he’s had several other sexual relationships before me and I haven’t had any beside him. He’s never had this problem with women before, all the others have had their own preferences and everything but at least /something/ was arousing to them.

I have tried masturbating when he’s there: Once we were both very drunk and had already had intercourse and he was falling asleep on me so I just stopped. Another I became too dry and it was getting painful, so I stopped. The third time we had already had sex a few times and very rough sex at that. He was asking to watch me masturbate, but I was too sore after the previous activities and couldn’t do it.

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Onionpie
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Hi someonearoundhere. It sounds like there are some things you haven't talked to your boyfriend about but may benefit from doing so. Do you think you would be able to put your embarrassment aside and talk to him more about what you find arousing and enjoyable and what doesn't work for you? If you have this discussion it will likely open the door to exploring more things in your sex life, to discover what might get you aroused in-the-moment.

I think it would help you to also discard the thought that your boyfriend "has never had this problem with women before". That's pretty irrelevant -- it's not about whether he's encountered this before. And it's not that there's anything "wrong" with you. All people are different. So just because he hasn't had a partner with this experience before, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It also doesn't mean that they didn't have their own, but different, kinds of issues, you know? Everyone's sexualities are different so it'd be pretty unfair to expect you to be exactly the same as someone else, or to expect you to respond to things a certain way. I'm also going to take a wild guess and say that your boyfriend hasn't had sex with every woman on the face of the planet, so just because he hasn't encountered it before doesn't mean it's not common or that there's something wrong with you [Wink]

I also am not sure if I grasped this correctly, so please do let me know if I'm off the mark here, but between your original post and your reply, it sounds like you're saying you might get mentally aroused/mentally enjoy yourself during sex with your partner, but not so much physically aroused? Is that accurate?

[ 01-01-2013, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Someonearoundhere
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Yeah, your last paragraph is completely correct. I keep thinking about bringing it up with him but I just never do it. The next time I’m at his place, though, I’ll find a way to bring it up.
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Robin Lee
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HI Someonearoundhere,

Reading your posts, I'm wondering if you think that your increasing frustration is also contributing to this. Frustration can often be a game-changer with libido.

I'm also wondering if you've had any previous partners and, if so, if your experiences with partnered sexual activities were the same as with this partner.

What, if anything, do you feel like you need in order to be more comfortable talking with your boyfriend the next time you see him? What do you think you want to discuss besides sharing your feelings of frustration with him?

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Robin

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Someonearoundhere
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I hadn’t actually thought about if my frustration was contributing to it, but with you mentioning it there is that possibility. I have had no previous partners at all, and actually losing my virginity with my current boyfriend was another issue that I needed help with and led me to this place.

One thing I’ve learned about my boyfriend and I is that I want to have sex with him more frequently than he does. It’s not difficult to get him interested, but I initiate it more often than he does and we’ve joked about that fact between us a bit. Honestly, though, I worry about him thinking I’m some sort of nympho or maybe that I only want him for sex and not a full blown, long lasting relationship. I worry about starting a conversation about sex and this time about my sexual needs and him misinterpreting that.

I think I keep waiting for when we have enough time for a conversation and maybe for him to say something, almost anything, which I can use as a lead in for this conversation to happen. And usually we’re spending time together right after a long night of work and we go to his place and he seems like he’d be happy to just cuddle for a moment and go to bed. Or drink a few beers and watch a movie to wind down with me, then go to bed. We rarely have a day off at the same time, and what few we have had in the last couple of weeks have been spent with a ton of family doing holiday get-togethers so when we are alone, we’re both tired and stressed.

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

Well, for sure frustration can affect our physical reactions, as can feeling tired and stressed.

Where is this fear that your boyfriend wil think you only want him for sex coming from, do you think? How are you feeling with the other parts of your relationship?

What I hear you describing, particularly with you initiating more often than your boyfriend does, is that you like and enjoy sex with him. I'm wondering, in terms of the physical part of it, if incorporating masturbation into your partnered sexual activities when you're interested in orgasm might be one way to go with this, rather than, or in addition to, figuring out which partnered activities will lead to physical arousal. What do you think?

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Robin

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Someonearoundhere
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His last girlfriend is someone I actually know and for a quite a bit longer then she or I knew him. She wasn’t a friend of mine or anything, but I was around her often enough (we work together) to know what type of person she was and if I’d been asked my opinion on her I would have told anyone not to try starting a serious relationship with her because she’s fucked in the head and can’t get over her baby’s father who liked beating her up and that the last several men she’d been through she screwed over one way or another. And I could be more sympathetic to her problem if she wasn’t going through a lot of good men and hurting them. (Several of whom I know, not just my boyfriend.)

I found out that he’d been dating her after they’d broken up and he was extremely depressed over it because he’d started seriously caring for her and when he told her she told him that she was just wanting a little fun and thought he knew it and broke up with him. She had said that they’d be able to stay friends, but when she even bothers to talk to him its usually very rude.

From what I learned about him between what he tells me and from his friends, I know he has been wanting a serious relationship for a long time. He’d been trying for a long time with different women and had been hurt quite a bit and there was one several years ago that he did get serious with and when it ended really badly he became extremely depressed to the point of doing drugs and experimenting with them dangerously. He told me he was mixing things and taking a lot of different drugs out of curiosity knowing full well that he could kill himself and he didn’t care if he did die.

I do NOT at all think he was telling me that to scare me into never hurting him, never leaving him, but I do think about that and about just how much I love him and even if we were to end our relationship that I do already care enough that I wouldn’t want him to go through that again. Or even just skip it and go for a straight forward attempt at suicide instead of that roundabout - hope it somehow happens on accident way.

I think we’re fairly comfortable in our relationship in most ways, for it being only a three month relationship, but we have talked about a lot of things. And I think your last suggestion might be a good one and something I’d like to try out the next time he and I are together.

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Jill2000Plus
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Can I just add that if you don't already use lube it would probably be a good idea to try using it and see if it helps with the dryness/soreness? It's not a substitute for figuring out what really arouses you and what kind/s of sex you do and don't want to be having with your current partner, but it would probably help make sex a more enjoyable experience.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Someonearoundhere
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The previous posts mentioning being dry and sore were from extenuating causes. One was dehydration and lube probably could have helped there. The other was because after having sex three times, two of those times being particularly rough, anyone would be left feeling sore. We’ve used one type of lube a few times and I didn’t actually like it at all because it gooped up to quickly, but I’ve read some of the other posts on this site and figure we should try out a few other brands till we find something we can enjoy.
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Robin Lee
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It's clear you care about your boyfriend and his well-being a lot. I think you can express that caring and still discuss and work with him on what you want from your sexual relationship. Maybe it would help to think about it this way: It can be just as unfair not to tell him things you've been thinking or wanting that affect both of you an have him fin out later than to tell him hurtful things.

When will you be seeing him next?

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Robin

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Someonearoundhere
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I’m going to be going over to his place again tonight / way early tomorrow. I never thought about it in terms of it being unfair to him, but I understand what you mean. It’s definitely something to make me think. I’ll talk to him when we get home and let him know how I’m feeling and even talk about some of the suggestions I liked that I’ve gotten here.
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Someonearoundhere
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We talked last night, I waited until we were relaxed and then brought up how I’ve been feeling and he told me that I shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed about any of that. We also talked about some of the suggestions, but we didn’t try anything because at that point we were both far too drunk to follow through. The next time we decide to have intercourse, though, we have a plan and he said he can’t wait to see it because he thinks it would be sexy watching me masturbate.

Being drunk, though, I also asked him if he thought I was a nympho or something. It slipped out because it’s something I was feeling insecure about and wanted to know what he thought. He never quite said yes or no on that one, but I don’t think in the end that it mattered overly much to him just how much I like sex. What mattered was the fact that he’s also very insecure and he admitted to me that he worries that I might stray.

Technically he’s given me verbal permission to cheat on him. First: he says that other women don’t count as cheating to him (if I sleep with other women, not him). I think if I did sleep with other women its still is cheating on him. Second: he’s told me that it’s okay to be into other guys just as long as they aren’t his friends and he’s also said that he thinks it would be okay if I slept around just a little bit because I’ve never had sex with anyone but him and he doesn’t want me to feel like I’m missing out on anything.

I’ve never indicated to him that I feel like I’m missing out on anything and in fact, our first fight was me getting angry with him because I wasn’t sure where we stood with each other because couples committed to each other like I wanted he and I to be don’t just go around telling each other that it would be okay to have sex with someone else. He’s stopped that for the most part, but I just knew he couldn’t be that relaxed about who his girlfriend has sex with, it’s just not natural. Last night he said that just as long as I came back, it would be okay.

He’s been cheated on enough (and that’s not me guessing, he’s told me about a few of his past GF’s that have cheated on him, one of those relationships had even lasted five years before they called it quits.) and just wants a relationship bad enough that he’s talking himself into thinking its okay, but last night I could tell that he wasn’t emotionally behind that statement. I think he would just accept it if I did cheat on him but I know it would hurt him.

There is absolutely no part of me that wants to sleep with someone else and I want to convince him of that, but I suspect just telling him wouldn’t really help at all. He does know I’m a very honest person, but there is only so much words can do for someone emotionally damaged like that. It hurts me to know that he’s been hurt enough to just accept it and I wish I could just wipe it all away and make him feel more confident about us.

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Heather
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How about, "I appreciate the flexibility you have around my having outside relationships, but I want a monogamous relationship with you, and to me, that means sexual exclusivity."

Really, if that commitment is something very meaningful to him, and it's what you want, too, I think simply saying that's what you very much want not only makes it all clear, it likely does what you can to make a gesture around your commitment to this he'd appreciate. If he's got some baggage from other relationships per people not honoring those commitments, and has some healing to do, he likely needs time for that, and that's not something you can do for him, save stating the exclusivity you want and honoring that agreement.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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