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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Love my husband...hate sex and cuddling

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Author Topic: Love my husband...hate sex and cuddling
Member # 102173

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I've been with my husband for 3 years. We got married this past summer and we have a 10 month old baby boy whom I am breast feeding. (Which might account for some lack of libido)

Recently, I have found I want nothing to do with sex. Actually, it seems to be that the past year I want nothing to do with sex. I never engage it and find myself having sex just to keep my man happy....but then I'm just a passive participant. Even though we've had sex for years (he is the only person I've ever had any sort of sex with) I never understood what the big deal with sex was and why other people wanted it so much, even other women! It is such a chore to even find a position where I feel any pleasure and then to work up to orgasm....which really isn't all that great either. (All that happens is my hands and face tingle... Whoop de do)
And I have NEVER liked cuddling. I don't like touching people. My husband on the other hand would love to cuddle and spoon all night, but I want my space and I don't even want his hand or foot touching me while I sleep.
He has never once hurt me or abused me...he's a great man and works to support us. I was never abused or hurt by anyone...although until college, I never had friends or a boyfriend.

I'm wondering if I have some sort of deficiency with oxytocin. I had a hard time breast feeding at first because I hated being touched and stroked...I never even had that "good,relaxing feeling" that so many women told me about.

Up until I had my baby, I didn't have a problem with a little cuddling (although sex was always the same) ,now I'd be fine if I never had sex again...and it seems horrible to me!
My husband knows I don't like to cuddle but I try to let him spoon me for as long as I can take, which is only a few minutes before I get antsy and overheated and itchy. It's even gotten difficult to sleep in the same bed as him!

Is there something medically wrong with me? Or is it all mental? Why don't I like cuddling like most women do? And what about sex? Why is it so boring for me

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peer Ambassador
Member # 64549

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Have you talked to a doctor about any of this? I'll let the volunteers take this up in more detail if they want to, but the short answer is that all of this could have medical, neurological, or psychological causes, and there's just no way for us to know. Having a low libido could be due to a hormonal imbalance, especially if you're breastfeeding. Having an aversion to touch could be due to any number of medical or neurological conditions. Various psychological conditions could also cause this sort of thing (I have a friend with low-level, chronic depression who had very similar symptoms to what you're describing that got better once she treated her depression, for instance.) If you're unhappy with the current state of affairs, the best thing you can do is really to bring this up with your primary care physician and see where things go from there.

Not everyone likes touch all the time, and for some people that can be normal, but it sounds to me like this is something that's really bothering you. That might be one reason to consider talking to a therapist as well, who can help you look at whether there's a psychological issue underlying it.

Does anything I've said strike a chord at all, or sound likely to you?

Posts: 100 | From: Virginia, USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 102173

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I think I will bring it up with the doctor. And yes!! It bothers me a lot because I want to like cuddling and touching! My husband is such a touchy person and I'd like to find common ground for us!
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Goldenblaze and welcome to Scarleteen,

As Bright star suggested, a talk with your doctor is a really good place to start. Loss of or reduction in libido isn't all that uncommon for someone who has just given birth. There are hormonal changes, to be sure, but there are also pretty drastic life changes that can make being in the mood for sex and closeness pretty much impossible.

Added to that, it sounds like you've never really been interested in or aroused by partnered sex. You mention being uncomfortable with cuddling, and finding intercourse uncomfortable, boring or both. Are there sexual activities you've engaged in in the past, either with yourself or with your partner, that you have enjoyed?

It sounds like your need for and interest in touch in general is very different from your husband's. That really doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It also sounds like this isn't knew, so I'm wondering: Could you speak some to how you and your husband hav negotiated these differences throughout your relationship?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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