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Author Topic: How can I prepare for next time?
Burdened with glorious booty
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Okay, so since I lost my virginity, it's become pretty clear with me and my "friend" that, regardless of what our relationship is or what it could be defined as, we do still want it to be a sexual relationship. Since we're long distance, though, we can't see each other that often. However, I'm planning to go and visit him in early January, so that I can swap Christmas presents with him, and I'm fairly sure that we're likely to have sex while I'm there.

While I'm much more comfortable with this, though, and while I'm feeling a lot more confident in how the second time round is going to go, I've been thinking to myself that maybe I should bring with me some things that might make it better for me. Something I'm DEFINITELY going to buy at some point (or request him to buy) is some lube, just to make it more comfortable for me. That's just a given, really.

But I know that part of the problem with me was that it was (and, in regards to masturbation, always is) hard for me to get that turned on, and as a result, I didn't get off on it. Now, that isn't a massive problem for me at all, but I have a feeling that it might be a problem for him - I can easily imagine that failing to get me off would be a bit of a dent in his self-esteem. At the same time, my possible solution might not make him very happy at all, either - that being that I go and get a vibrator for us both to use. I don't have any sex toys, although I've been planning to get one for some time now (the things stopping me have been funding and the time/privacy to be able to go out, buy and use one), so I think getting one that I could use on the both of us AND by myself might be beneficial. But that might just make him feel worse, you know? Like I need extra help aside from him. So I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

It's not something he's demanded of me, nor is it entirely for his benefit - I don't mind not getting off, but I'd like to. And considering that the only way I've been able to get off that DOESN'T take me an hour or so to do is to use a power shower, I think a vibrator might work. But then, that sounds so selfish of me to say, doesn't it? But then, is it bad that I want to come with the help of my friend, even if I need something to at least get me started? And is it bad for me to decide that orgasm/sexual pleasure is something I should delegate to masturbation, while acknowledging that partnered sex might not do anything for me? And considering that I find it hard to get aroused when I'm by myself, is there anything I can do to change that, both when I'm alone and when I'm with him?

Sorry if that's really confusing.

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Ta-da!

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Robin Lee
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HI Derpy Hooves,

First of all, how is doing something or getting something that you imagine will give you pleasure a selfish act?

While it's fine to talk to us about all this, and there are certainly plenty of things we can talk through, I think much of this is a conversation that it would be good for the two of you to have ahead of time as it sounds like you're presuming a lot about what he might think or feel, and it seems more fair to him to let him express his own thoughts and feelings, and have you express your own thoughts and feelings, so the two of you can work together on this.

Sexual relationships are dynamic things. They're growing and changing all the time. What I'm hearing here is you thinking you need to have all the answers and all the solutions so you can come to him, as you say, prepared. This doesn't really allow the two of you to grow as a sexual couple I don't think. What do you think?

The idea that sex toys are somehow extraneous to or insulting to a relationship, or to a male partner, is...well, not helpful. [Smile] for some people they're necessary (some educators even don't like to call them toys because they're so helpful and needed by some folks) and for others they're a fun part of sex. Again, it kind of sounds like you're thinking that your own pleasure is secondary because it doesn't come out of the same things exactly that your partner's pleasure is coming out of.

Since you feel comfortable with the idea of not getting off from sexual intercourse (few women get off from intercourse alone, so you're not alone in that experience) do you feel comfortable telling your partner that this is okay, and isn't a reflection on him? Have the two of you had that discussion before? How do you feel about talking to him about all of this, and about brainstorming ways to incorporate your experience of pleasure into your sexual encounters?

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Robin

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Burdened with glorious booty
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I'm thinking, maybe, that I could try it without any aid during my visit, and discuss it with him after if I feel the need to. I'd like to think that it would naturally be better the second time around. Besides, even if I don't get off on it, I've accepted that I still enjoy sex for my own reasons, and that's fine.

On the other hand, I've never been all that sexual, even by myself. Porn doesn't do it for me, I don't have that much of a libido, and when I do sit down and try to masturbate, it does take me an hour (possibly even two) unless I'm using outside help. So I'm not convinced that it's a case of getting used to it, or experience.

It's something that kind of bothers me, because while I've accepted that I'm pretty much asexual, with only the incredibly rare exception, I'm a much more sexual person in my own head. Sex fascinates me, I love to read about it, and I especially love reading about the kinkier side of sex - so it does bother me that my brain is buzzing with all these sexy thoughts, and my body never responds to it. I've accepted this, but it does bother me - I feel like all these sexy daydreams I have are never going to come true, and while it's not the end of the world, I do feel almost like I'm missing out. Time will tell, I guess - hey, the second time round might be amazing and I never have any problems with sex ever again - but I doubt that.

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Ta-da!

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Burdened with glorious booty
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Oh yeah, and about the things we've discussed: at the time, when we first had sex, he thought (and rightly so) that I was enjoying it. I didn't ask him in what capacity he thought I was enjoying it in, though, and he never asked me if I got off on it or if my enjoyment was sexual in nature - I think any enjoyment I was getting out of it, sexual or not, was plain on my face. I told him that I enjoyed it, though, which he was happy with, although I had trouble explaining to him how I enjoyed it. I'm not sure he entirely understands, really, and I'm not entirely sure how I can bring it up without hurting his feelings.

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Ta-da!

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smittenkitten
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Hi Derpy Hooves,

It sounds like the two of you would really benefit from having an honest conversation about sex. In my experience it is best to get off on the right foot and communicate from the get go.

I think you should try explaining to him that while you don't gain physical pleasure from sex, you enjoy the intimacy of the act (am I getting that right?). I often have the same issue and I'm yet to meet a partner who isn't willing to work with that. Especially since you have a plan to augment the sensation with a vibrator (not that that's necessary), hopefully he will appreciate the gesture of trust and you can move forward together.

Hurting his feelings is always a risk but if you don't make the time to communicate openly with him now, it will only hurt him more the longer that you wait.

Marion

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Burdened with glorious booty
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I've not talked to him about it yet, although I think this is merely one more thing I need to discuss with him. I was talking to him about something else - how a friend of mine may have a crush on me, and how I know that even if I say yes (which I'm tempted to) it's not going to work out because of the fact that it would be poly - and he just said "We can talk about this when you visit, face to face. It'll be easier for you to explain then." So there's a lot to discuss.

I think I'll actually have sex again, and bring it up if this is still a problem. I was nervous the first time around, and incredibly shy to the point of being mostly passive - neither of us minded, but he pointed out that he thinks I would benefit if I learnt to be more assertive sexually, which I do agree with. So I guess I'll drop the issue for now and pick it back up again shortly.

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Ta-da!

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Robin Lee
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I think it's really sound to remember that people do grow and change sexually, so your next time with sex may indeed not be like your first.

However, I want to check in with you about whether in making this decision you're avoiding discussing your own pleasure with this guy. I'm picking up that you really feel like it's inappropriate for you to ask for or make changes to what he is interested in sexually in ways that you think might enhance your own enjoyment of it, so again, wanted to chek in with you about whether you might be avoiding this.

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Robin

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Burdened with glorious booty
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Exactly that. First time around, I pretty much just let him do everything (apparently, I can't make out AND think at the same time, who'dve thought it?), so being more proactive might help me feel like it's something I'm involved in, rather than something I'm allowing to happen to me (again, not that I minded that).

It's not inappropriate. That's not the word I'd use for it. Just that I don't want to just bulldozer into this conversation, or say anything that would hurt his feelings. Because I get the feeling that he was just as nervous about this as I was - talking about it afterwards, he mentioned that he was worried about making it last a while, and he was so damn relieved when I told him that I enjoyed myself. I feel like saying to him that it didn't do anything for me sexually would really hurt his self-esteem. He's acknowledged that he's not that emotionally mature - we originally broke up because he missed me too much, and while he's okay with me dating people other than him, he knows that he'd be jealous, and upset beyond reason.

Summing up, he's a lovely guy, but he's easily hurt, and while I honestly think it's an important conversation that we should have - and yes, I insist on having it with him at some point - I don't want him to take it the wrong way, if that makes sense. I think, if I were to put it to him in a way that he can't possibly take the wrong way, he'd be enthusiastic in the pursuit of helping me get off on sex...but I'm not sure right now how I can say it in a way that doesn't come across (at least to him) like "You've failed to get me off, and now I need outside help if I want that because you're not good enough." And I don't want to put it to him in a way that sounds self-critical, either, because it's not my fault that I'm like it either. It's just one of those things, really, but I don't know how to say it in a way that doesn't lay blame on either of us.

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Ta-da!

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Robin Lee
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Well, it doesn't have to be about solving a problem...I know that for you it sort of is about that, but using toys or trying different things sexually (or both) can also be about having fun. So, you really could present it as something like: "Hey, I think it would be fun to try...."


You also don't need to have his permission to buy a vibrator, so if you were to buy one and take it with you and say something like "I've heard these can be fun and I'd like to try out using it." Or, if you'd used it already and liked it: "I really enjoy using this and it would make things even more fun for me."


I'm still getting a picture here of it being okay to consider his feelings and thoughts and to go through great complexity (I'm picturing you tiptoing) to make sure those stay in balance, at the expense of your own interests, feelings and thoughts. Does it make sense why that might not be fair to him, as well as not being fair to you?

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Robin

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Heather
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As an additional tip, sometimes it really helps to remember the "toys" part of sex toys.

I mean, who doesn't like to play with toys, right? Toys are for fun. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Burdened with glorious booty
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I understand what you mean, yeah. I just know that we're both very socially awkward people, and I could easily screw this up. It's a common thing for me to offend people entirely by accident, and sometimes, offending people regularly without realising at all that I'm being offensive (it turns out that one of my running jokes during my D&D campaign was actually hurting someone's feelings, and it took a long time for anyone to actually inform me of this). Knowing that it could be a sensitive issue with him, I want to be careful this time. First and foremost, above everything else, he's my friend, and I make it a point to try not to hurt my friends, whether that's on purpose or by accident.

I'm still going to say anything that needs saying, don't get me wrong. If I need to say it, I will, and I've already had some painfully awkward conversations with him regarding polyamory. I'm buying a vibrator for my own use, really, and I've been wanting to buy one for a while, anyway. I just know his immediate thought to me wanting to introduce it to partnered sex is "why?". I might not offend him at all, and it might be all wonderful and amazing, but I would most likely NOT notice if I DO offend. I'm just hyper-aware of this sort of thing nowadays, because I've done it so often in the past. If I sound like I'm tiptoeing...well, I am, but I've been doing my best to tiptoe around EVERYONE lately, not just him.

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Ta-da!

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selina
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what's the point in having sex for someone else's pleasure and not thinking of yours?
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Burdened with glorious booty
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I AM thinking of mine...which is why I want to have sex with him, full stop. Why'd I want to do something that I know I wouldn't enjoy? I like it for multiple reasons. I just want a bit more, really. I've never been the type to just go along with things that I don't want or don't enjoy, so if I didn't want to have sex with him, then I wouldn't.

Besides which, there's a lot of complicated history here. Over the years, through different bits of drama and the ups and downs that go with that, we've hurt each other a few times at least. I kind of don't want to add to that unnecessarily by poorly wording what is a perfectly reasonable request. It's not as if he's going to be angry at me for mentioning it or anything.

[ 12-29-2012, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: Derpy Hooves ]

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Ta-da!

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smittenkitten
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I can certainly see that you are doing this because you want to [Smile]

Can you ask him to put what happened in the past in the past? (I get the feeling that maybe he has already and it's you that's holding onto it). Sometimes it can be tricky to know what to say. Perhaps you'd feel better if you could know that what you say to him won't re-open past wounds.

Lastly I'd like to make sure that you understand that delaying communication about your desires is detrimental to both of you, not just you. How is he supposed to make informed decisions about your sexual relationship if he doesn't have all the facts?

I know it isn't easy and can be inconvenient but if you want to get off on the right foot starting these conversations as early as possible is essential.

Marion

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Burdened with glorious booty
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I've arranged my visit for Monday, and I actually asked him about getting lube, which is a massive start. He said he was fine with that, but he made sure to point out to me that we didn't HAVE to have sex if I didn't want to, which was sweet of him. Hell, we might not have time for it - still, it's better than saying nothing and just going in unprepared.

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Ta-da!

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Robin Lee
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It sounds like he's considerate of other people's needs and wants, which is fantastic. Do you feel more comfortable with the idea of talking to him about what you need should you find you want to do that?

Enjoy your visit, no matter what you end up doing. [Smile]

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Robin

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Burdened with glorious booty
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Okay, so I had my visit. We tried to have PIV sex, but after a while of foreplay, he was apparently too nervous. Instead, there was naked cuddling and serious relationship talk. And Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. It was pretty awesome.

I want to talk with him more about the sex thing - not necessarily about me getting off on it. He keeps getting nervous about it, and I don't know why. So that's my next plan.

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Ta-da!

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Burdened with glorious booty
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Okay, so get this - I asked him about why he got so nervous earlier on, and guess what? Turns out that he has the same goddamn problem I have. He finds it difficult to get aroused, even when sex is something he wants at the time, and when I told him that that's pretty much what's going on with me too, he actually said "It doesn't happen even on demand for me. And it's not like you're not aroused or I'm not aroused, it's more like our bodies aren't reacting as much as our brains think they should." So holy plot twist Batman, it's a mutual thing! And it's a mutual thing that we're going to have to work on, too.

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Ta-da!

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