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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » completely new to this

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Author Topic: completely new to this
MudPuppy
Neophyte
Member # 37153

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The relationship I am in at the moment is my first sexual relationship. We have been going out for 3 months and have done sexual things but haven't actually had intercourse yet; the fact that both of us are a bit nervous about it has meant that the several times we tried it ended up not happening. Last night after another attempt didn't work out, we decided to have a conversation about it and about this aspect of our relationship in general. We both agree that it's not really a problem, but we'd like to have sex eventually. Then came the part of the conversation that made me freak out a little; he asked me if I would mind taking birth control pills, for whenever we do start having intercourse (we'd also be using condoms, but just to be sure, since we're both quite scared of me getting pregnant).

I'm not sure of the exact reasons why the thought of that makes me worried, but a big part of it is that up until this relationship I believed I was only attracted to women and the whole area of avoiding pregnancy was never something I had to concern myself with, and suddenly now I've found myself having to deal with this. I feel like I don't know enough about the practicalities of this kind of stuff; I know I need to talk to a doctor and get a prescription, but I don't know what exactly to ask for or how much it's going to cost, and I don't want to seem stupid.

My boyfriend suggested I ask my mom for advice, but that's easier said than done; I find it incredibly difficult to talk to my parents about sex. Recently, for example, I asked my mom if it was ok for my boyfriend and I to sleep in the same bed when he's at my house (we sleep in the same bed at his house, but I didn't say that to her), and she said no, at least until she's had a chance to discuss that with my dad, which I don't think she's actually going to do, I think that was just a way of avoiding the conversation. I have a feeling if I asked her about birth control her response would be to tell me to maybe not have sex just yet. I don't want it to seem like my parents are really strict or anything, they're nice people and it's not like they're disapproving about sex in general, but just the thought of talking to my mom about this is making me almost start to cry, as silly as that is. Wanting to avoid conversations about sex is also one reason that I'm reluctant to take the pill, since I know it's not practical to be trying to hide things like that from my family.

I've been using "but we're not even having sex yet" as an excuse not to have to think about birth control, but I realised last night that worrying too much about unplanned pregnancy is possibly one aspect of why it hasn't happened yet, that maybe if I did this then we'd both be more comfortable about it.

I should clarify that my boyfriend isn't putting any pressure on me or anything, he told me that this is completely my decision, but I do feel guilty about deciding not to take the pill just because of how awkward I can be sometimes when it comes to sex. I know, and I know it will probably be pointed out to me here, that if I'm not mature enough to deal with going to the doctor or talking to my parents about sex then I probably shouldn't even be thinking about having sex, and I've been on Scarleteen for long enough to know that intercourse is not the most important thing, but I still don't want my boyfriend and I to both be missing out just because I'm unsure about what to do.

Does anybody have any advice?

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CSandSourpatch
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My advice mostly pertains to this: "... I need to talk to a doctor and get a prescription, but I don't know what exactly to ask for or how much it's going to cost, and I don't want to seem stupid."

Believe me, when I walked into my GP's office, I didn't really know what sort of birth control I wanted. When I asked about what I might use, she said that since I was taking vitamins with breakfast (though she did ask which ones in case of drug interactions), the pill would probably work just fine for me. However, I'm really good at taking pills--I tend not to forget, and I don't have any physical reaction to taking them (gagging, etc). I don't know what she would've suggested if I had said no to the pill. Honestly, I never asked. But doctors are there to answer your questions, so even if you think you sound like an idiot, chances are, the doctor has heard your questions before--that's why they have to know all this stuff! [Smile]

However, there may be other options available to you. Birth Control Bingo <-This is something here on ST that could be potentially useful in this regard.

As to costs and such, I live in the US, and I know next to nothing about Ireland's healthcare.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey there, TheCraneWife.

Let me first check in and make sure I get the picture here. Is your current partner saying that they don't feel comfortable engaging in intercourse unless a second method, like a hormonal method, is used?

In other words, is a second method besides condoms something he's clear he needs, and is a limit for him, when it comes to intercourse with someone?

It sounds that way, but I just want to be sure that's the place we're starting from here.

[ 12-22-2012, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MudPuppy
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Sorry I should have been clearer about that. I don't think it's a definite limit for him, like he would probably still be ok with having sex with just one method, but he would only be completely comfortable with two. I guess I need to talk to him more about this to make sure I've understood properly too. And thanks, CSandSourpatch, that does make me feel a bit better about this. [Smile]

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Since it sounds like you're not really sure about what he's asking for here, I'd check back in.

By all means, if he's saying that he needs another method to be used to feel comfortable having intercourse, he gets to have that limit and boundary. But you also get to opt out of that method, and then, that kind of sex with him, if that isn't something YOU also want, or can do, or feel okay about.

And if that were how this were to go down, neither one of you would be withholding sex from the other, or keeping the other from something. You simply would have needs and wants that don't mesh. Get what I'm saying?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MudPuppy
Neophyte
Member # 37153

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Yeah, I understand what you mean. Thanks.

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sure thing.

So, I'd suggest talking more about this. And you might want to include talking about what he wants/needs in a backup. For instance, it seems he brought up the pill, and you assumed it had to be THAT method, but it may be that that's simply the first method that comes to mind for him.

So, for instance, it may be you two can meet in the middle with this coming up with a backup method that isn't something you have to use everyday if that's not something you want to do or feel comfortable with now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MudPuppy
Neophyte
Member # 37153

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Ok, I'll talk to him about it. [Smile]

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"We held on to hopes of better days coming/ And when we did we were right!"

Posts: 30 | From: Ireland | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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