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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Loss of sexual appetite

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Author Topic: Loss of sexual appetite
Alexandra123
Neophyte
Member # 101013

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I'm a 20 yr old female an I feel like its not normal that I already think of sex as a chore. When I was 16 and lost my virginity I enjoyed it very much. But now it's like I'm completely different. When I'm alone I can get turned on easily but it's like when I'm with a guy it just doesn't do anything for me anymore and I almost dread having to have sex. All of my friends enjoy it and I wish I did. Me and my ex have been trying to work things back out and he says he feels as if he can never turn me on. Is there anything I can do to fix this?
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Kachina
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Having sex when we don't want to, or with someone who doesn't do anything for us, is not going to result in it suddenly being something enjoyable.

When you say "I almost dread having to have sex" are you saying someone is making you have sex?

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Alexandra123
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Well me and my ex have been trying to work things out so he doesn't "make" me have sex. I wanna have sex to make him happy but I just don't enjoy it and can never get any pleasure out of it.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, sounds like you've already clearly identified one thing that's nearly guaranteed to assure sex isn't enjoyable for you.

Having sex you don't really want for yourself, to make someone else happy, is a great recipe for a sex life you don't enjoy. Typically, too, partners who care about you and want the sex they're having to be about both people won't like that, either.

So, maybe the best place to start with this is to help you make sure that at the very least you are NEVER having any sex with anyone you don't actually want and desire for your self: that you'd feel some kind of hunger or desire for even if the other person didn't, if you get me.

Do you think you can start with that? Which sounds like it means making clear to your ex that, for right now, sex with anyone just isn't something you are enjoying or feeling a desire for, so having a sexual relationship isn't the right thing for you right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alexandra123
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Yeah all of that makes sense. I mean I love him but if I'm not wanting to have sex with him then something is definitely wrong. For the past few years I've suffered with anxiety and stress and I feel like maybe stress could play a part in losing that desire too. I just wish there was something I could do to fix it. Im also a really shy person. I mean I'm confident in certain aspects but I'm really shy and even though I'm fully comfortable with him I still get somewhat shy and kinda guarded when it comes to sex cause I don't wanna look weird or do the wrong thing lol. I know that's kinda stupid. I just want to actually "want" sex.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, or, rather than being wrong, perhaps you love him but don't have sexual feelings for him. After all, many of us with sexual desires will love plenty of people without wanting to be sexual with them, you know? Not every relationship where we love someone will be a sexual relationship, or will a sexual relationship be the right kind for us.

It sounds to me like in the past, there have been situations and times when you DID feel sexual desire. It also sounds like even now, you have those desires -- per sex with yourself -- but you just don't have them for sex with anyone else right now. In other words, I'm not seeing that you're "broken" here and in need of fixing. It just sounds like maybe a) you're having some lower libido right now, and/or b) you've maybe been trying to be sexual with people you haven't actually had a real desire to have sex *with.*

So, I think it's entirely possible that if you take the pressure off, stop having ANY kind of sex you don't have a real desire for yourself, and take some time to get out of that pattern and wait until you DO, in fact, meet someone you DO, in fact, have sexual desires for, this will probably resolve itself just fine.

How does that sound?

[ 12-12-2012, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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