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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » This is basic, right?

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Author Topic: This is basic, right?
Mortality
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I just need some reassurance... I'm feeling really guilty even though I logically know I didn't do anything really bad. I had an acquaintance over and he got really guilt-trippy when I didn't want to sleep with him. I kinda suspected sex was the major reason he came over, but I didn't realise it was the only reason.

Now I'm feeling guilty even though I know it's a real bad idea having sex if I don't really feel like it.

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MusicNerd
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Hey Mortality!

You're right: You absolutely did not do anything bad. At all. If you don't want to have sex, you're entitled to make that decision for yourself, and no one should ever (I mean, ever) try and make you feel guilty about that. I'm sorry that your acquaintance made you feel this way; he definitely should not have done that. Is this the first time this has happened? Would you like to talk more about it?

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Mortality
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I've had worse, I mostly just needed someone to tell me I was right, so thank you [Smile] similar things have happened before and usually I don't feel guilty at all, or if I do the other person backs off, apologise for making me feel guilty and gives me a hug. U guess it was a while ago since someone actively tried to guilt trip me and I wasn't expecting it.
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Claire P.
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It sounds like you may know this, Mortality, but just wanted to respond to your original post where you noted that you knew him wanting sex was a factor, but you didn't know it was the whole factor?

The thing is, if you HAD known that was the only thing on his mind and he'd come over and then you'd felt like you weren't into it and said so-- that's not any different a situation. No one ever *owes* each other their body, you know? Even if you had, say, promised to have sex with him a whole bunch of times when he arrived, but then when he got there, you no longer wanted to? Not necessarily because you didn't feel up to it, let's just say you more randomly didn't want to. You STILL don't owe him anything. Just because sometimes we find things fun and want to engage in them does in no way mean that *should* always be up and ready for those things just because we like them in other scenarios.

I think sometimes (potential) partners can forget that one of the sexiest but also most VALID parts of starting something with someone is finding them fully and hugely excited and enthusiastically consenting about what's about to happen. Although, to many people's credit, there are ALSO a lot of partners who will kind of jolt out of it, once you respond to their bullying (however subtle, that's still what it is) by saying something direct like, "I'm telling you I'm not feeling interested in that right now. Why would you want to have sex (or whatever) with me when I don't want to and it won't be fun for me- and could even make it feel awful afterwards?"
Do you think if you'd said that (or whatever you did say) to the acquaintance, and he had been more receptive and backed off, that you would still feel guilty? And are you planning to see this guy again, or..?

[ 11-24-2012, 05:00 AM: Message edited by: Claire P. ]

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Mortality
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I also knew I didn't want to have sex with him. I've known that since the first time I met him. If I knew sex was the only reason he would be over I'd've told him not to come. I guess I kinda feel guilty cos I feel like I should've realised that and told him not to come or something... Even though I know I'm not a mindreader and should not be expected to figure out what's going on inside someone else's head.

Thanks! Sometimes I just need someone else to tell me I'm right and that he was not acting right. I'm ridiculously easy to guilt-trip. A few years ago I probably wouldn't have been able to clearly say no and might've slept with him out if guilt and then felt horrible about it later. Now I'm almost back to normal and I won't be seeing him again!

[ 11-24-2012, 05:37 AM: Message edited by: Mortality ]

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MusicNerd
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Mortality, it's totally not your fault that this guy was interested in sleeping with you and you weren't feeling the same. No one's ever obligated to have sex with a person, whether you're aware or not of their interest in having sex with you. If you had somehow read his mind and known that he wanted to have sex with you, it wouldn't change the fact that you yourself were not feelin' it. You know? Like Claire said, the fun part is the fact that all the parties involved are whole-heartedly consenting to doing these activities together.

You did a great job in clearly expressing how you didn't want to have sex with him, and that's something you should definitely be proud of! Kudos to you on that one! [Smile]

[ 11-24-2012, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Mortality
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Thanks! Most of the guilt is gone and I'm starting to get a bit mad at him. When someone says they don't want to sleep with you because of reasons the appropriate response is not to try to argue about the reasons. The reasons don't matter and no one is ever going to logic their way into someone's pants.
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Heather
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It's good to see you around, Mortality, though I'm sorry this is why.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling angry about this. Of course, you're absolutely right here. Accepting a no to anything sexual really is as simple as that: you take that no for an answer. Someone who tries to guilt-trip someone into saying something besides no is someone engaging in sexual coercion.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Mortality
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I'm so glad this site exists! You guys have helped me through a lot and is one of the reasons the sex I do chose to have is mostly safe both emotionally and physically.
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WesLuck
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Yes, it's a wonderful site isn't it. [Smile]
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Claire P.
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Glad to help, Morality!
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