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Author Topic: Stress, Sex, and other
Alergnon
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Member # 93204

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I can't mask my own personal struggles with new challenges at this point that is going on in my life. I haven't been feeling the best at all, besides that... my own poor judgement lead me to being intoxicated with only having 2 beers Sunday night October 28th, I was emotionally unwell with finding out my grandma had a few days to live or a month. I went into this protective place inside of me when I found the worst part I was with M. We went out and I just had two beers. I don't remember a lot but when we got back I remember being on top of M and he told me to get off and he shook and said shit and pulled me off him. From the movement I from what M told me, I puked all over the sheets and he ensured I was warm and not ill after he tucked me into bed. I don't remember anything after that, or any of the vomiting for that matter. I don't even know if M came inside of me. I was on my period the first day on it.

I've been tested for Pregnancy, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea and all came back negative but I did those tests the week before. I know I'm not at risk for STI's because I'm still with the same partner.

... M and I had anal sex this morning and he asked if he could come inside of me, I said yes.

We've been using the pull out method.

***I'm not usually on the net (internet) much but I can check back in on my cell phone.***

My family doctor sent a referral to the therapist at the office, but she said it will take 4-6 months before I get in to see him.

Ever since my Grandma has gotten worse I've been having upset stomachaches and I've been taking tums to help.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Alergnon, I know we've explained this before, but since it sounds like something is missing for you in understanding it, I'll have another go.

You ARE still at risk for STIs. That's because you (and maybe the same is true for M too) have not been with this one partner exclusively for at least six months, where you both used safer sex the whole time, and only ditched using barriers once you both had a full STI panel AFTER those six months of exclusivity.

Even then, a person may still have some risks, but they're likely to be low.

And you probably don't need us to tell you that using the second least reliable way of preventing pregnancy isn't smart if you don't want to become pregnant.

I'll be honest, I remain at something of a lost here. I feel like I've done the very best I could to advise you about what seems most sound for you -- including not being in a sexual relationship at all when you remain this unstable -- but I don't know where else to go besides just sounding like a broken record. Ultimately, it seems to me that it remains with you to make different choices.

And for sure, when you have more tough stuff going on in your life, it obvs gets harder for you, like it does with anyone, but the answer there is to get some real help and then also work hard to make choices that steer you clear of dangers, not put you in the thick of them, you know?

So.

You clearly keep coming here wanting help. But it seems to me that all the approaches we have been trying really haven't helped you change anything in our sexual life for the better.

That given, do you have any ideas about what we might try next so that when you come here, you're actually offered something besides reruns?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Sorry for going in a complete circle here on the forums.

I just need a therapist, I know you can't offer that to me since it's based on sexual health I feel some of or most of my problems revolve around that, not saying I'm seeking that here, just support, advice, on those lines.

I need to be gentle with myself and stop being to hard on myself and it's hard right now. M and myself, our relationship/friendship has really grew to be stronger, like not solid because not all relationship/friendship is ever solid because issues may arise, disagreements, etc., may happen.

I don't want to change the whole subject here but it is related. So I have feelings for M, strong feelings maybe, M and his roommate/good friend of his saw that "I'm falling in love with him," through the whole thing, M and I stayed cooled and he talked to me and I've never been so open and honest before with anyone in general.

*Warmth. Comfort. Security.* M has found a conclusion to what I'm looking for and he as well. He asked me without telling me what he thought I'm looking for.

M can't feel any feelings of love to someone else and I'm not asking him to. He has told me he's emotionally numb. He has been engaged twice which didn't work out. One of them cheated on him, the other on the same lines but she slept with his good friends. Then he's been in relationships where the girl is nutz over him to the point stalking happens, looking through his phone etc., he went through a horrible time getting away from a girl who stalked him, sent him threat messages, even broke into his home because she was worried he was with another girl. In the end he went to the police because she was ruining his business, his employers and personal life. I was with M 2 weeks ago and him and I were driving down the road and the girl who has a straining order called him at the lights. M freaked out, she claimed he called her. I was with him the whole time and he never made a call to anyone.

I understand why M is so protective of it, from his past relationships he is guarded and so am I. I'm guarded to protect myself and M knew this when we him and I watched a movie. I understand why he is emotionally dead around feelings towards others. I'm seeing him change more and more. He cares about me and when I tell him that, he doesn't say much. He tucked me in and made sure I was safe and stayed up to make sure I was breathing when I was intoxicated, not many guys would do that. He drove me to see my Grandma 11 hours away because he wanted me to get a chance to see her again.

It's not about the sex, sure we have sex, but we talk, cuddle, spend time together, watch tv and/or movies together or with his roommates.

I don't want to do reruns, I'm trying my best. Maybe something could be for me taking a step back and take time in your advice, support, suggestions, and/or opinions to a more level of importance than before.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Alergnon,

I know it feels good to feel safe and protected. I'm not sure where you're getting that not many guys would be gentle or caring when someone is unwell, perhaps from your previous experiences. In caring for you while you were intoxicated, M was only doing what any decent person would do. Perhaps he has deeper feelings behind that, but the action itself is, again, one of human decency. So, I would be cautious about reading too much into that.

You're stating very clearly that you need therapy. Often when we're in a place of strong need, it's a place where we also don't have a lot to give to others. That's not a bad thing, and it can be a very caring thing, for both ourselves and others, to realize that. What you have going with M, is moving pretty fast, at least in terms of intensity. It really doesn't sound like you have the emotional resources to be activ and present with this. Mental health difficulties aside, you're coping with adjusting to a relatively new job, the impending death of your grandmother, and many more things. For anyone, this would be a lot to deal with, and not the preferable time to start a relationship.

M also, from what you say, has a lot of stuff of his own to work through, and perhaps isn't the best sole support for you.

You're feeling very close to M. What do you think about just being friends with him right now? IN the past you've expressed a strong need for friends, and perhaps this is what he can be for you.

It's okay to go in circles if you don't understand something. [Smile] WE all tend to repeat negative or unhealthy patterns, and breaking those patterns takes work. Does what Heather said above about what safer sexual activity actually entails make sense to you? Considering how stressed you become afterwards, plus the reality that you're not making the safest choices for yourself sexually right now, a sexual relationship really isn't, in our opinion, the soundest choice for you to be making right now.

You can have friendship and connection with people without sex.

--------------------
Robin

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Alergnon
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When knowing someone, or meeting someone for that matter; would you just be cautious if someone had said something that may or not be a big deal or it may be, would you just get up and leave? I can't just get up and walk away if someone is having some challenges or difficulties for that matter. Why? Simple, everyone has shit in their lives, some simple to fix others not so much, doesn't mean I'll walk away from it.

I'm not seeing M for the sake of it, not to make things complicated, hard or confusing or it impacts on me for that matter. It has nothing to do with any of that. When he gave me his number he didn't know if I would even call him, he was looking for a response of, "get the hell away," I didn't I called him.

Yes, M has had some pretty shitty relationships that has effected him and still is, doesn't mean I walk away. He knows about what my father did to me, he expressed he has never had anyone tell him something like I did to him. He knows I'm guarded and cautious, so is he.

Every friendship/relationship/marriage/family, etc., go through crap, do they walk away from it? No, maybe some yes, but why should I walk away from my own struggles. I wouldn't just walk away and say, "your fucked up, you really are..." I'm not like that.

I've started to break the pattern of letting others walk over me and mistreat me or abuse me.

I'm not repeating everything I did before that is unhealthy with M, yes, the unprotected sex is healthy but struggles is fine, like if I'm struggling with a friend and talk to M about it, he may help me. This morning M told me something and I gave him my honest opinion and he said he's going to wait a little before doing something about it.

Everyone struggles.

I need to get going, I'm falling asleep, been up for 18 hours.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, Alergnon.

I suppose my response to the kinds of questions you're asking about walking away is a question about what you choose to walk INTO to be in that position in the first place.

In other words, by all means, when we have an established, mutually supportive and caring relationship with someone -- and I'm not talking of weeks, here -- and they find themselves in crisis, of course we do what we can to be there for them.

On the other hand, when we're at a place in our lives where we know that we have so much on our plate, and so much of our own work to do that a) we really need to be there most for OURSELVES, and focus most on our own self-care, and b) really need the people we're going to lean on to be people who are not in crisis or in need of care because we really can't give something like that without sabotaging ourselves, then really, we want to avoid walking into those situations in the first place.

It seems to me that neither of you really has the capacity or ability to take care of each of your Very Big Stuff right now. That's not because you're a crummy person -- and he might not be either -- it's because your plate is already full with even just getting started with learning how to take care of yourself in some of the most basic ways, let alone with the more advanced stuff.

And when I say the basics, I mean things like not taking risks of STIs and pregnancy when you don't want it and setting basic sexual limits with people, but I also mean things like learning that sometimes to take care of ourselves we HAVE to walk away or, better still, not walk into things in the first place when we simply aren't in a sound place for them.

I guess my point is that I strongly suspect that when all of this shakes out over time, I am concerned we're just going to keep seeing more of the same pattern you've been at in your life, particularly around sex, risk and choices in dating/sexual partners that have been at best, problematic, and at worst, have really left you with yet one more batch of problems to have to deal with when you already have so much you're trying to manage and work through.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I just thought of an analogy for this, in case what I've said isn't clear.

Let's say I go to someone's house for dinner. Let's say I'm allergic to shellfish.

I don't tell them that in advance, and when I go there, they're making shellfish. I not only don't say anything about how sick shellfish makes me, I even say "Yum."

Then, once it's on my plate, I still say nothing, and even more, I eat it. Why? Because it would be rude or mean not to eat something someone has cooked for me.

But really, there wouldn't have been anything mean, rude or heartless about telling that person RIGHT back at the start that shellfish isn't something I can eat right now. And the only reason I'm then in the position where I feel I have to eat the stuff that isn't good for me is because I put myself there.

And of course, I'm also not doing anyone who earnestly cares about me any favors by doing something to make myself sick: that wouldn't make them at all happy. I can maybe convince myself that doing something that isn't good for me is about being a good person, but it's really not a sound rationale at all: really, it's probably an excuse for my own inability to simply set limits, say no, or to take care of myself.

Catch my drift?

[ 11-09-2012, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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" a) we really need to be there most for OURSELVES, and focus most on our own self-care, and b) really need the people we're going to lean on to be people who are not in crisis or in need of care because we really can't give something like that without sabotaging ourselves, then really, we want to avoid walking into those situations in the first place.

I like these two a) and b) I agree we need to be there for OURSELVES which in fact leads to self care. I understand where you are coming from Heather about leaning towards someone who is in crisis or vise versa, last time I really felt in crisis was when I had went to see my grandma, sure I've been in crisis or crappy situations after but not to the point I'm on melt down mode. I'm doing some self care now, may not seem to you great or maybe it is.

I'm terrified of going back to my cousins where I live at the moment until I move out December 1st I don't understand her, she has made me feel scared to go there. She nags me and never stops. She sent a message to me asking me if I was alright because she hasn't seen me, told her I'm fine, then she wanted me to e-mail her so she knows I was replying. So I e-mail her. Next day I ask her why she wanted me to e-mail her, "so I knew it was you that I was talking to..." Then last week she had the guts to tell me to change my sheets and wash them after 5-10 seconds when I closed my door. I'm never replied to her. I paid her rent for this month and sure I'm using her sheets but really, does she need to mother me, my own mother wouldn't do that.

I'm stresse about it. She threatened to tell the landlord which I'm moving into that I pay rent late. Oh sorry, I spoke with her I was getting paid on the 2nd and she cared about her money and she bitched about it while I was away seeing my grandma, after 4 text messages and 2 e-mails kinda got to me.

So, I'm doing self care now by avioding her. Yesterday I was almost in tears because I needed to get my uniform for work, she was their but was in her bedroom/bathroom and I left before she knew I was there.

Over the past few days M and I have talked. The other day I went with him to help his friend throw some stuff in the dump. His friend has a cottage in the mountains and we all went there. M and I talked about each other and that. Yesterday, I told M I think he isn't emotionally dead, he may still be inside but he doesn't say anything or admitt to his feelings but shows it. The conversation went on and he said I was right that he isn't all that emotionally dead. The strongest part in our friendship/relationship is comminication.

Yes I know and understand the basics like STI's and pregnancy aren't 100% being met. I know there is a risk for anything while having unprotected sex using the withdrawl method, STI's could happen and pregnany may occur if it wasn't used right or at all.

[ 11-12-2012, 10:24 AM: Message edited by: Alergnon ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just FYI, I'm asking if another staffer or volunteers can work with you instead of me for a while, and I wanted to be direct with you about that and also with the why.

In a word, I just feel like I don't know what to say or suggest anymore, because I feel like you and I are in a loop, where I keep suggesting things which it mostly seems like you don't want to do, and what you want to do is...well, what you want to do, based on your own ideas and patterns. And yet, the suggestions I'm making and have been making are really the only things I think are sound based on all you've told me and posted about so far.

I'd almost assume at this point it's about you not wanting change or not wanting help, save that you keep posting and keep asking for help, so obviously that's not true. And clearly, many of the patterns that have gotten you into or kept you in bad places remain, and I can only assume things aren't going so awesomely because you continue to post here in crisis or struggling or upset.

I think what is apparent is that it's possible something about my approach or my suggestions just isn't gelling with you, and I don't think it's productive for you or I to just keep going round and round on the same old stuff.

I know in the past you've had issues with people you have asked for help and feeling they blew you off or didn't give the help you asked for, which is why I'm being direct here so you know my why's here. This isn't about blowing you off. It's about stepping back when I feel that what I have to offer simply hasn't proven to be productive or beneficial.

I'm hoping that others talking and working with you here -- for the things we actually CAN do for anyone here -- will be more productive, and I'm sorry that my own attempts and approaches clearly weren't a sound fit and didn't benefit you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI Alergnon,

What do you think, within the bounds of what we do here at Scarleteen, is the most pressing thing for you right now?

--------------------
Robin

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Alergnon
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The most pressing thing right now for me? The most pressing thing right now for me at scarleteen? And what I think? and what I think scarleteen is for/about/regards to for me?

The most pressing thing for me with everything (with regards to sexual health apologize for going off topic) isn`t pressing for me in my relationship with M it`s the ones who have a issue with it that`s pressing thing for me and yet they say they don`t clearly they do when I was threatened by my manager at work the other evening.

I also feel no one here trusts me or believes me in how I feel towards M and what`s going on. I know and understand the risks, maybe I don`t care about them as much but I know the risks.

The most pressing thing for me here at scarleteen is well, part of what I said above. I was just looking for advice, help, understanding and reassurance or ideas and I find the responses are aimed to, `this relationship isn`t healthy for you from your past abuse and sexual abuse...`` I feel that is repeating itself as well. I have took Heathers suggestions, gotten a doctor getting my medical health under control and monitored, I`m on waiting lists for counseling/therapy and I'm more positive inside then I have been. I'm getting the patch Friday and starting it then. Yes sure things have been hard, but I'm doing okay considering. I'm not understanding why M would be a bad person to hang with or even spend time with? I'm very non-judgmental and sure M had crap happen in his own life same with me, doesn't mean M is a horrible being for that either am I.

scarleteen for me it has a ton of information and articles on sexual health, safer birth control, relationships, emergencies/crisis intervention and so on, pretty much anything related to sexual health.

Honestly the most pressing thing for me right now is why does everyone think M and I are bad people but majority of others like me and him together. With just three people they have caused so much shit and what like 10 people think M and I are pretty awesome together and they really like me with him. I don't understand. Like I said above I was threatened by my manager for seeing M the other evening and what am I suppose to do? M and I just want to have this drama to stop and neither of us started it. I'm not leaving M because three people don't like the fact we're together it's not ABOUT THEM, it's about M and myself, NOT THEM. What M and I do has nothing to do with anyone not even M's roommates.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI Alergnon,

I can understand how it might feel as if your relationship with M has been judged here and that you don't like being pathologized or having your current relationship pathologized based on your past What that's been primarily about isn't about you and M as people, or about your right to have a relationship (hey, we all want companionship and intimacy whatever that looks like for us as individuals) but about how we have seen you take sexual risks repeatedly (not just with M) and then get really worried about them. You are working with your doctor now, which is terrific.

You haven't mentioned recently. Have things cleared up with the infection/pain you were experiencing a few weeks back?

Your manager at work threatened you regarding your relationship with M? Can you say more about that? How did they threaten you? It doesn't seem as if your relationships outside of work would be any of their business!

--------------------
Robin

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Alergnon
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I’m seeing my doctor again tomorrow regarding stomach pain and discomfort. I can’t remember what pain I was referring to a few weeks ago it may have been about my stomach or something else since I’ve had two different kinds of pain for one reason I know what it is and getting treatment for three times a week. The other which is my stomach pain, I’m unsure what it is. The treatment I’m getting is something I called them for and they did tests for me and asked for my x-rays from the other doctor I saw. He’s helping me get my spine back in order and for me to heal and manage it. I’ve compromised a disk in the middle of my spine and two are starting to deterate. I’ll find out more of what my doctor can do about my stomach pain and discomfort tomorrow. I know she has ordered a bunch of testing for me a week before I see her again in December, she wants to make sure the medication I’m starting Friday is going to change my levels in my system which it can possibly happen with taking a psychotic medication to help me with my Borderline Personality Disorder and my moods.

It’s not all about companionship and intimacy, yes it’s defiantly there but there is communication, trust, honesty, fun, relaxing, etc., as well which means a ton for myself and not only myself but M as well.

Yes you are right it’s not even remotely okay or professional of that to happen to me or anyone in general for that matter. I’m getting sick and tired of it when it happens not saying it happens all the time but clearly people need to stop and step back. So M’s last fling thing, my manager that is her daughter. My co-worker who trained me lives with the manager and the girl. So, the daughter of the Manager, one of the managers told me if I hurt her daughter or granddaughter she will intervene but for now her and I are good, we get along well. I don’t know her daughter never met her.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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It sounds as if you are happy and feel in control of things connected to your relationship and your sexual health, which are the specific things we're generally able to help people with here. Is that an accurate assessment of what you're saying here?


Would you like to talk about finding resources for some of the other parts of your life that are stressful for you right now?

--------------------
Robin

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Alergnon
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Member # 93204

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I know I can be better in my sexual life and activities but at this point I'm happy with it all. I'm pretty happy that M and are taking a bit of time from each other to relax on our own. He is going to watch a Football game in Detroit and I'm here at my cousins. I was a bit mad at the fact work had me on a night off Monday and Friday and I work Saturday and Sunday. I usually work Sunday 3-11 then Monday to Thursday 11pm-7am and I enjoyed my time off Friday and Saturday to have time away from work. But M is away and I'm not to fond of staying with my cousin but I work Saturday and Sunday 3pm-11pm so I'm away from her for the afternoon/night.

So I think this is a good time to take a small break from each other for a few days and then really look forward in spending time once M is back [Smile]

Regards to the things that are stressful for me are;

1) My spine. I am getting treatment and this mornings adjustment and pressure points went very very well, better then when I started. He is very happy at how well I'm coming along [Smile]

2) My health. I'm seeing my doctor soon and going to see what she can do about my stomach discomfort and pain. Last night the pain was so bad I almost past out but I needed to stay. So I'll know what she will do to help or figure it out.

3) The drama. This morning the manager didn't talk to me (which is fine) and my co-worker seemed off. I avoided both of them as possible.

4) Counseling/Thereapy. I will ask my doctor about the referral she made to the Psychologist and where I stand on the list.

5) Finances. Money don't grow on trees nor makes us happy. Is what I believe in money. How can money possibly make someone stressed. I'm not stressed about it all the time but if I ran into an issue and need something and can't afford it, it sucks. I haven't worked a full 80 hours to see what it looks like on my pay check. Most hours I worked in 2 weeks is 62 hours. I make above minimum wage, meaning I'm paid more then full time day staff which is a bonus with free food, and drinks during the night and amazing tips (1-4 dollars on tips) with no supervision whatsoever. Just trying to figure out where my pay needs to go, first is rent, then Chiropractor which I'm buying a package where I actually save money on.

The option of asking others for money isn't even a question I will say no to it. I'm meeting with a friend from work and going to see if she would like to split an apartment with me. She told me she got kicked out and has a month to find a place. I told her I'm moving December and she could crash and share my room with me.

6) Resources:

A) Groups of some sort to help boost my self-esteem and self confidence (It's doing pretty well lately)
B) Something to go to when I need an escape. Since winter is pretty much here (cold has gotten to the point it has chilled to the bones) not much to escape to. I don't want to end up stuck inside since I have depression and Borderline Personality Disorder with a little bit of PSTD... I want to be able to remain stable.
C) Someone who would understand about threats and feeling scared at work when I never brought any of my personal life into work.
D) Someone to talk to about money... yea go to my bank... I'm a bit embarrassed to go given the fact my bank account it always empty which I need to keep something in it.
E) Also, maybe information on relationships and past partners hurting M and/or stalking wont leave him alone (If that makes sense) M tells me when his past partners contact him, but it's usually the one physico who sends him creepy text messages. And then the one who is jealous and wont leave M and I alone with our own lives. (FYI M has told me about if they contact him and I don't have an issue with it only the fact they're causing issues for M or even myself. M is really open about it and I can't be mad at him for that)

I know I can find these things easily just... answering the question.

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Alergnon
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I went to my doctors and just got back. Needed to pick some pills up and orange juice and veggies.

I'm... going to be picked and picked of so many tests soon and I had to get some done before I left the office. I have three sheets of tests I need to get done plus tests I needed to get done today.

The one sheet I need to get done the following in December: there are 11 boxes checked off and two more added. The second sheet has one test and then a sheet for a ultrasound. I had to do urine testing before I left for pregnancy and urine infection in general.

She felt my stomach... it hurt like hell just below my belly button and she is like, "you know you need to wear condoms every time..." Then I had to breath in and out while she felt there. She basically said, "We'll call you if anything abnormal shows up on the tests..."

I'm in discomfort. She is testing me for ulcers in my blood that can detect ulcers in my stomach, which I need to get done in December.

I just want to know what is going on, that is all, I want to feel better.

I took her recommendation and got iron pills and orange juice today.

I asked M if we could talk, he then called me... I wasn't going to talk about it over the phone. So he's going to pick me up after he is done work. I don't want him to be worried but he should be at least aware. I did text him saying, "Doc is doing a shit load of tests on me..."

I canceled with my friend telling her I'm not feeling well and we could talk tomorrow about her being kicked out.

I may call in sick to work. Say I have the flu they are aware of me not feeling well for the past two nights. Tuesday night I went home sick and scared, last night felt like I was about to pass out/faint... my co-workers knew I felt like crap.

I also saw a poster in the doctor's office about this Youth Group and they talk about self esteem, sexual health, relationships, etc., I asked to be a part of it in December, they're suppose to call me about it with more information. At least that's a start to that.

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Alergnon
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M wants me to talk to my friends or cousin (isn't an option to talk to my cousin) about the testing I'm getting done. He knows about the tests I got done yesterday and tests I need to get done in 3 weeks. He doesn't know how to help me because he doesn't understand mainly cause he's a guy, which is understandable. So, I'm calling my friend at 7pm to talk to her. M said he has no idea about female body parts, like ovaries and such and my friend would be a better person to go to. He told me to not be scared because at this point there isn't anything to be scared about, since I don't know what's going on.

That's the thing, no one to talk to about this. Talking over the phone with a friend is, it's not all that personal in feelings.

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