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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Emotional aspect of sex missing?

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Author Topic: Emotional aspect of sex missing?
Member # 98266

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Brief background: I'm17, female, straight, and a virgin, and I'm very comfortable with myself and my body. I masturbate quite often and enjoy it, and I often watch porn. I've read through this site quite and bit and browsed the forums for a while before joining.

I've never done anything with a guy past kissing (no oral sex, groping, etc). The last time I had a boyfriend was freshman year of high school, and though I was very attracted to him, I didn't let him touch me sexually. I liked him emotionally too. It's been many years since then, but I'm slightly disconcerted by my attitude towards sex and relationships. For some reason in my mind, sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy don't go hand in hand. If I'm close to someone emotionally, I can't imagine doing sexual things with them. It's almost as if I only want sexual things with acquaintances or strangers, When I'm close to someone emotionally, I view them as a friend and confidantiate, and the thought of doing anything sexual with them turns me off.

I guess in my mind, "lovemaking" doesn't appeal to me. I want to have sexual gratification with people, but I don't to do it with people I love. I'm uncomfortable imagining having sex with someone I'm emotionally close to. I read about people being in love with their partner and having loving sex, but it just seems...almost inappropriate in my mind. It's like having sex with my best friend (who I'm not attracted to sexually).

I don't know why I think this way. I've never been abused sexually, never been emotionally hurt excessively, or anything traumatizing. I guess I might've gotten the wrong start, I started masturbating at a young age after discovering my dad's porn stash in 4th grade, but I don't see anything particularly wrong with that. I've been exposed to emotional sex in literature and such, so I don't think it's just the influence of bad porn.

I guess I'm pretty reserved emotionally, I rarely let people get close to me, and I like keeping myself distant. I'm not sure why I do that either, though. I have a very independent and self-reliant personality. I'm pretty introspective, and I've been often told I'm not feminine. I'm confidant and bold, and I know what I want. I enjoy masturbating, and I'm fairly certain I'll enjoy sex too. It's just that I want one-night-stands and sexual gratification without the emotion of love or intimacy with it. Actually, sex with emotional intimacy seems almost wrong to me. Maybe it's the vulnerability aspect of it that scares me. I'm not sure though.

This hasn't affected me much since I've be focusing on academics most of high school, but it confuses me a bit. I'm not really sure if this is abnormal, but I feel like it is because sex seems to be associated with emotional intimacy. Is it bad to just want to have one-night-stand sort of intimacy and not want the emotional aspect of it? I don't feel like a slut or anything like that; I know what I want and I don't have a problem with it. I'm just afraid that this might affect any future relationships or prevent me from having a normal relationship. I don't want an emotional relationship right now, but I will in the future, and I want to figure out why I feel this separation between sexual and emotional intimacy.

Posts: 2 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Raina and welcome to scarleteen.

It sounds like you have a really clear idea of what you do and don't want, which, when it comes to sex (or anything else, for that matter), is pretty much the healthiest thing you can have.

I wouldn't say that there's anything "wrong" with you. The way sex is presented by our society tends to take two forms: either sex with emotional intimacy--the "good" sex--or sexwith strangers or acquaintances--the "bad" sex---which is often portrayed as thoughtless. clearly, you've put a lot of thought into picturing that as the kind of sex that is most appealing to you, and if you've put a lot of thought into it, chances are that other people who think about that kind of sex, or engage in it, have done so as well.

The reality is that sex means different things for different people, and plays out in different ways in their lives.

You mentioned not being a "slut". I'm not sure what "slut" means to you. We prefer here not to use that term since it's used in a derogatory way, and, as I think you can realize, really doesn't mean anything. Usually it's a term used to control people, and to pass judgment on them. It attaches a moral component to one kind of sex, which really doesn't need to be there. No one can properly evaluate what someone does and doesn't want from the sexual activity they're engaging in, or what that activity means to them.

It's also worth noting that it's very possible that you will not always feel this way. People's sexuality changes throughout their entire lives, and these changes can be even more pronounced in the teens and twenties. So, not only is how you're feeling now and what you're wanting now not wrong, but it may not always be how you feel and what you want.

I think you would find these pieces from our site helpful, if you haven't seen them before...and of course we can talk about this some more. For example, I don't have a good sense of whether you're asking these questions in theory, or whether you're looking to start pursuing partnered sex soon.


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 98266

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Thanks for the welcome! I'm really glad there's a site and resource like this for poor confused teens like myself and others!

Hm I've never thought of it that way before, that it's just my feelings now and can change later. That helps a lot, because it fits with what I seem to want. I was just worried that it wasn't "normal", especially for a girl. But I guess I overlooked the diversity of people and the fact there really isn't a "normal". Thanks a lot!

Also, I sincerely apologize if my usage of the term "slut" offended anyone or went against Scarleteen's principles. I meant it in the way you defined it: a useless, derogatory term used by people to judge and criticize others who have different views of sexuality. I used it to generalize my feelings about how I don't care of other people's and society's judgement of me. Again, I'm sorry if it was offensive.

Posts: 2 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27731

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Originally posted by Raina:
I guess I'm pretty reserved emotionally, I rarely let people get close to me, and I like keeping myself distant.

Well, having sex with someone who you are emotionally intimate with is quite literally as close to you as they can get. If you prefer to keep people at arms length then it isn't too much of a surprise that you don't want to have sex with those that you are emotionally intimate with. Sex with others though would not pose a problem since emotionally you're about as far apart as possible even if physically that isn't the case.
Sounds to me like you're trying to keep things from becoming complicated. You know from masturbation that sexual gratification doesn't require emotional intimacy so to keep things from getting complicated you keep the two separate. I do the same thing a lot of the time. Nothing wrong with it. A lot of times it makes life simpler to keep the two separate.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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