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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Sex Doesn't Feel Good

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Author Topic: Sex Doesn't Feel Good
cagedbird123
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Um... I'm onlly 17 and I'm pretty new to the whole sex thing. My current boyfriend was my first and I was his and it didn't hurt. It's never hurt.
He's upset because while he is having fun and feeling good I'm not. I don't feel good physicaly, even though I like the idea of sex and think it's fun.
I've only done it aproxametly 5 times, and I'm familiar with mastrabation/vibrators/oral sex/fingering but none of those really feel good to me. I can even cum, but it doesn't really feel good.

Is it because I'm new to sex or because I just can't feel good during sex? I'm no stranger to mastrabation, as I said, and that doesn't really feel good either so it's not him.
I don't know. It's like I can kind of feel it, but it's not a good feeling, just nuteral (like touching the tips of your fingers.)
Sorry, I put this in more than one place because IDK where it is suposse to go.

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cagedbird123
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And to clarify:
I do want sex and I am aroused when it's initiated so that's not the problem.
I'm also not pressured into it. In fact, my boyfriend was so upset when I told him that I didn't really feel good that he wanted us to just stop having sex of any kind all together because he felt it wasn't worth it if I didn't feel good too.

But I do want it and like it because it makes him happy and is fun (like how excercise is fun) and it helps me express myself, but I just wish so bad that I could feel good and satisfied physically. I'm not really mentaly satisfied I guess because I don't get to share in the pleasure and my boyfriend really wants me to be happy too and asks what to do and what feels better, but I just don't feel good.

Is there something wrong with me?

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Gabby14
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I'm 16 and I have the same problem
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Redskies
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Hi, cagedbird123. Sorry it's taken a while for someone to address your post - the boards are a somewhat understaffed at the moment.

Perhaps we can start out with a few general questions to see if we can begin to identify what might be going on for you here.

Firstly, it's worth considering a few basics about the circumstances in which you're trying sex or solo sex. Do you have a place where you can be private, where you can feel relaxed about being sexual, without worrying about anyone walking in or overhearing or just feeling uncomfortable that there's someone in the next room? When you're engaging in sex, do you feel vaguely physically healthy, for example, not tired, hungry, thirsty or achy? What about mentally healthy - do you have any particular worries, sadness or pain that stand out as being beyond life's usual ups and downs, or beyond your ability to deal with?

How is your relationship with and connection to your body generally? Do you feel generally ok in your body?

How do you experience non-sexual touch, both from yourself and others? This could include hugs, massages, friendly pats on the arm, or perhaps pampering yourself with a lotion, shower gel or bubble bath, if you go for that sort of thing?

I hear you saying that you want sex, that it's a fun thing to do; but in what you write above, I'm not hearing you say anything about desire. Before you engage in any kind of genital sex, either with yourself or a partner, are you already aroused - for example, from thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it? Are you feeling like you reallyreallyreally want fingers, or a hand, or mouth and tongue, or vibrator, or penis, on your genitals?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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cagedbird123
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1. No, there isn't usually a place where I feel comfortable.
2. Physically healthy, usually I am.
3. I do have a lot of worries.
4. I'm self continuous about somethings, and I'm not very "in touch" with myself (as one of my friends likes to put it), but I'm usually okay in it.
5. Generally I'm not aloud much physical attention, due to my restrictive parents (I'm not even aloud on this site and I'm 17, which is why I'm slow to reply.) Sometimes it's awkward or stressful, but sometimes it's relaxing and soothing.
6. I generally have a large sex drive, but it comes and goes. When I engage in sex of any sort (with a partner) I'm not aroused, just nervous. When I am having a solo sexual experience I am aroused, but it's not very satisfying.

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Redskies
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Okay. So, I'm understanding that you feel like you don't have much personal freedom - do I have that right? You do say that there isn't usually a place where you feel comfortable engaging in sex, even by yourself. I think it's very likely that this is contributing to what you are and aren't feeling in sex. Usually, sex is a deeply personal thing, and one where we need to feel like we have a suitable private, secure and comfortable space for us to really relax and be free and at ease with ourselves. If we don't have that, it's likely that we're just not going to be able to relax enough to really enjoy the physical sensations of sex or to fully let our mind go in order to enjoy it.

If we have a lot of worries, that can also impact on how we experience sex. If we're carrying a lot of worry around with us, that has a physical effect on our body: our muscles can be tense all the time without us really knowing, and our nervous system on high alert. Unsurprisingly, those things can and often do make a difference to how we physically feel sensations and touch - if we're worried, our body may well be experiencing touch differently. Also, of course, if we're worried, our mind is less able to focus on things that are pleasant and feel good, so even if our body is experiencing some good feelings while we're worried, it's quite likely that our brain won't be able to really notice and enjoy it.

Do these things seem like they might apply to you?

If they feel like they might fit, then I think it's very unlikely that there's anything wrong with you; it's simply that your circumstances are ones where it's unlikely for anyone to feel full enjoyment and satisfaction in sex.

You say that when you're with a partner, you're not aroused but nervous. Would you like to talk about why you feel nervous? Also, this may sound like an abrupt or silly question, but I ask it because people may have many different answers to it: if you're not aroused, why do you engage in sex with a partner?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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cagedbird123
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Yes, I don't have much personal freedom, that is true. That probably has a lot to do with it.
The worry that I feel probably also has a lot to do with it.

Why? Because I want to and he wants to and I am hopeful that it will be different and I see it as a physical and emotional bonding time... even if I'm not physically satisfied it's still a chance for us to be close. Also, it makes him happy which makes me happy.
I find that it's just generally difficult for me to be aroused in the first place, again that probably has to do with the stress that I feel constantly.

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Redskies
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I see. Those reasons are perfectly good reasons for having sex with a partner. I would suggest, though, that if we're not feeling aroused before we engage in sex and aren't feeling particularly at ease, it's unlikely that we're going to become aroused or that sex is going to feel really satisfying to us. Our bodies and genitals have some physical changes during arousal, and for many people, some kinds of touch only feel really good once those physical changes have happened.

I wonder if you've seen these articles, and if they say anything that's helpful to you:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/with_pleasure_a_view_of_whole_sexual_anatomy_for_every_body
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/sexual_response_orgasm_a_users_guide

One practical suggestion that can help some people is to use lubrication. Sometimes, some added lube can make a big difference to how good touch, particularly on genitals, feels. Is this something you've tried?

What you decide you want to do is absolutely up to you. I'd like to check, though, that you feel you definitely want to have sex in order to physically and emotionally bond with your boyfriend. Sex can contribute to those things, but it's certainly not the only thing that can do that. For example, some people feel very close indeed from physical/bodily closeness, from talking about very personal and heartfelt things... It's worth mentioning too that for some people, sex that isn't satisfying can be anything but a bonding experience.

If you feel stressed constantly, I'd say that very likely has an effect on how aroused you do or don't feel. If that's the case, it seems to me that you have a few options. Firstly, is there any way to reduce the stress and worry that you feel - do you have any options for a place where you Can feel more comfortable while being sexual? If you'd like to talk about your worries and stress, we can certainly do that.

If you don't have these options, then you may need to accept that your circumstances right now limit your arousal. From that position, it seems to me that you might either feel that you get enough other kinds of enjoyment out of sex, that you find it rewarding enough in different ways, to want to continue having it anyway (and I include masturbation here); or, you may feel that you just can't happily accept your current lack of satisfaction, in which case it's worth considering if sex is truly worthwhile engaging in right now, or if other things might give you, individually, and you and your boyfriend, just as good or better the things you're hoping for, and without risking you feeling unsatisfied and maybe disappointed or frustrated as well.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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cagedbird123
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I have never used lube, but I would be willing to try it. I don't think there is a safe place for us. We are not alowed to be alone together, I can hold his hand but that is all. We sneek around, and it is stressful. Bonding is important to me, and I try other ways to bond, but it's difficult when I am stressed and we can't be ourselves. Sex is a good way for me to express myself, bond with my partner, and get reccreation... but I feel that with all this fear and stress that I may never reach my potenial and gain satisfaction.
Thank you for the articles and advice! I'm not sure what I can/will do from here.

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Redskies
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There's such a huge range of potential and possibilities for our future lives that "never" hardly ever makes a lot of sense. This is clearly something that's happening repeatedly for you, and that you aren't happy about, so it's understandable that you'd start to get worried that it might not ever be different. It's a really, really human reaction to think "what if this is never different?" about something that's repeatedly wrong. But We change so much in the course of our lives, and our lives change so much, that "never" is something that's usually way too vast and unknown to be realistically afraid of. For your situation, too, it seems that the difficulties are based very much in your current circumstances, so it's very likely that once your circumstances change, the difficulties you experience will begin to change, too.

From what you say, I'm understanding that your parents strongly do not want you to be sexually active, and don't know that you are - do I have that right? What consequences do you think or know would happen if your parents found out you're sexually active?

When we have very different values to our parents, about sex or about anything else that's significant to us, it can be very difficult for us, or for us and our parents. I'm understanding that you live with at least one of your parents, but please correct me if I'm wrong. When we're still financially dependent on our parents, particularly if we live with them, we have to negotiate differences with them. For a start, they do have a right to opinions about what happens in their house, and we need to consider and be respectful of those opinions. Whenever there's a difference in values where we're winding up feeling bad about something, it's worth trying to step back a little and consider how the difference in values might be upsetting us. Sometimes it's about being afraid of what might happen: will our parents still practically support us, will they still care for us, will they be angry, will they be disappointed? Sometimes we can feel conflicted in ourselves, too, where We actually don't feel ok about doing something that would make our parents unhappy.

Any and all of those things are likely to have a big impact on how much we can actually enjoy the thing we want to do. That's even more the case with something like sex, arousal and desire, which are so dependent on our state of mind. In cases where we feel we can't negotiate with our parents, I think it's really, really worth considering if going ahead with what we want to do is in our overall best interests and good for our overall well-being. We need to accept that our parents may find out; if we feel we couldn't deal with the consequences of that, it's likely in our best interests to hold off on the thing we want.

Where do you see yourself in one year, two years' time - do you see yourself living with your parents, or somewhere else?

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Saffron Raymie
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(Hi Gabby14; would you like to start your own thread to talk this through with us? That way, you can get help more specific to you, as a unique person? [Smile] )

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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cagedbird123
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Actually my parents do know about it, and I do live with both my parents. They have strong religious views, but I'm not religious at all. I have a job, but I'm still dependant on them. The money I make is for collage and the like.

The consiquences are these:
Everything I do is monitered. I can't use a computer without my mother knowing exactly where I went on it and what I did. She can read all my texts and see anything I do on my phone, even if I use the internet on my phone like I'm doing now. She can see this and is probably reading it. I can not see my boyfriend unless an adult is there watching us at all times. We can not touch and be affectionate. I can't talk about "taboo" subjects (like sex) with anyone. She has access to all my social media, and even though I sneek around she always knows that I've been up to something and what I've done (even if I don't even remember.)

I'm not close to any of my family, especialy not my parents, so I don't talk to them about anything. Even if I did I'd just get repramanded for it, or get the "Christian" answer, or something of that nature. Me and my parents are completely different and view things completely differently. They have a lot of values that I don't and vice versa. They did the same thing to my older sister, who is similar to me. They faught with her and punished her all the time. I didn't exist to them when my sister was around. I had a bit more freedom then, but not much. Now that my sister has been moved out for four years I barely have any freedom at all.
I'm more passive aggressive and like to fly under the radar, so I just try and do things in secret. Sex is one of my best forms of self expression, something that is verry limited to me in this household. It's very important to me, but I can't even sneek around anymore. My mother knows everything I do. All I can do is sit and wait until I can move out. I'm going to be a senior in high school this year, but I won't have any freedom, so it will probably be aweful. I honestly don't care about my parents' happyness or pride in me.

I say never, because I mean never. I'm inhearently parranoid about things because of my situation. It's been this way most of my life. I also find everything a stress because I get anxious and nervouse and paranoid and it's just very hard to relax. So even when I do get to spend time with my boyfriend it's usually not verry enjoyable because I'm scared and upset the entire time.

I'm not aloud on this site and I just used my phone to type this reply, so I may not get to reply anymore because it may get blocked or something, but I will find a way to keep reading and replying to these.

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cagedbird123
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Two years from now hopefully I will be over my stress and paranoia and hopefully I will be in collage and out of the house and definately I'll still be with my boyfriend.
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Heather
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Should we try and talk strategies for now, rather than just figuring you have to be utterly miserable until you can move out and then start unpacking all of this?

In other words, I don't think just stewing in this as-is is probably all you can do, and that doesn't strike me as your best option. Want to brainstorm some alternatives?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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Yes, I would like to do that.
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Robin Lee
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You mentioned above that you won't have any freedom even when the school year starts. Are there ways you can carve out some freedom for yourself, such as by joining after-school activities?

It sounds like you're very good at running under the radar, even with the strict watch that is being kept on you. Are there other places or time in your schedule right now where you could eke out some more physical or emotional space for yourself?

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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I'm already in the band and jazz band, and band is the only school time I can see my boyfriend, but my mother is the band parent leader so she's around all the time.
I'm in an art class too, but neither band or art meet after school.
I'm not too good at running under the radar now, everything I do is monitered.

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cagedbird123
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I'm already in the band and jazz band, and band is the only school time I can see my boyfriend, but my mother is the band parent leader so she's around all the time.
I'm in an art class too, but neither band or art meet after school.
I'm not too good at running under the radar now, everything I do is monitered.

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Heather
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Do you have any extended family members, cagedbird, who you think (or know) might see the way you're being parented as problematic? Ideally family members who your parents respect?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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No, I do not. I'm not close to my family and most of them share the same values. My sister would like to be able to help me, but she has a baby on the way and is getting married and doesn't have a place of her own yet. She's only 22.

I had an extreamly large argument with my parents last night so they told me if I wanted to leave permanetly they'd send me to a childrens' home or a reform school.

Instead they let me leave home and stay with a friend for a day or two.

That is where I am now. I'm sitting trying to figure out what to do with myself. This break from my family is nice, but I have to go back tommorow.

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Heather
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Does your sister need a place of her own to at least be emotionally supportive or have your back somewhat in this? I'd hope that she could at least find a little time and emotional space for something this important.

FYI, it sounds like your parents are threatening you, (including with things that they can't actually do, like the idea of them being able to send you to a "children's home," language that usually means an orphanage, but legally, parents can't just relinquish kids like that without...well, earnestly giving up all of their rights).

At the same time, do you think some kind of boarding school would be better or worse for you? I ask because if they're threatening that, you might want to think about if you want to take them up on it if they are in earnest, just considering if it would or wouldn't be better or worse, or more of what you want or not.

Have you talked to any kind of counselor about this, like a school counselor?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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She is emotionaly suportave and is offering to let me stay with her before I go back home (she lives with my grandparents.) She just can't get me out of the situation. "Childrens' home" as in juvinile detention or reform school. Not boarding school. Boot camp.

I think that boarding school or reform school is a bad idea. I'm about to graduate and I'd lose all my friends and electives and probably some of my school credits.
All in all it would be bad for me socialy/emotionaly and acedimicly. Also, where ever they sent me would probably have their same values. I also don't want to go to boot camp reform school and be seperated from my boyfriend and friends. I wouldn't have anyway to see them.

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Heather
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Your parents, in the states, can't actually send you to juvey. getting sent there is something the state has to do because you have committed some kind of crime. parents in the US can't just put their kids there. That's not how that system works.

I agree, if we are talking about a boot camp, that isn't a better answer at all. Serious human rights infractions happen at those places, and since it's young people, they often go unnoticed and unreported.

How about talking to a school counselor?

Also, for right now, how about staying with your sister temporarily while you can?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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That's what I plan on trying. I want to stay with her for as long as I can.

Schools not in yet, and I don't really like or respect my school couciler. I don't trust her with my school scedual, let alone my life.

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Heather
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Well, I'm not talking about a guidance counselor -- someone in charge of class scheduling -- but the kind of counselor there, and trained, to deal with students' emotional issues and well-being.

Do you have someone like that at your school?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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I guess. There should be, but I don't know them. I'm not sure how they'd be able to help...

I'm scared.

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Heather
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Well, a good counselor can help because they can provide you regular, ongoing emotional support in this, which helps. They can also evaluate if what's going on in your home is even healthy, and intervene if it's not.

How about you first just find out if there's a counselor like that at your school?

Just FYI, it sounds like you've been raised in a way where your parents have given you the idea they are all-powerful. If you feel that way, I can understand, but I also hope you can logically recognize that is not true. While youth don't have the rights they should have, for sure, it's also not a free-for-all for parents here, and there are laws and policies they have to operate within to, and also things -- like putting their kids in juvey to punish them -- they simply cannot themselves do.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cagedbird123
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Okay, I will try that. Thank you so much... thank you so so much.
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Heather
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Of course. And if that turns out to be a dead end (there isn't that kind of counselor), give us a holler and we'll help you look into other options.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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WesLuck
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-big hugs- [Smile]
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cagedbird123
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Our school does not have guidance councilors.
I am back home now. Nothing has really changed, but it's not that bad because I'm not in trouble all the time now because I'm not sneeking around doing things I'm not aloud to.

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Robin Lee
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Glad to hear things feel calmer. How are you doing with not getting to do the things you want to do?

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Robin

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cagedbird123
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It's not that bad. I spend most of my time at home and I can't have intamet time with just my boyfriend and I, but I can see him more and have more trust. I'm not always in trouble and being called out and punished.
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