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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » How to Communicate what I really want

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Author Topic: How to Communicate what I really want
Member # 50827

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Hi all,

Thanks again to the Scarleteen team and especially to Heather for running this exceptional site [Smile]

Ok, so I have a "friend with benefit", he is very attractive (way out of my league!). We met about 4 months ago and have caught up about 5 times.

So, from time to time when we're together he'll ask questions along the lines of "what turns you on?", "what do you like most?" and "does this feel good?"
It's really nice of him to ask me such questions and show some kind of consideration as to what I like. The problem is I either can't give an answer or give an honest answer. It's so hard to say what I like/want! When he first asked me "what turns me on?" I almost started crying and after umming for about 2 minutes I managed to mumble a response.

I think part of the reason might lie in the fact that I'm pretty 'vanilla' when it comes to sex and sexual activites, and the things I enjoy most are kissing and touching. I assume he might find these things boring as we seem to just jump straight into manual and oral sex and then vaginal sex.

I was thinking maybe I would send him a text, giving a brief outline of the things I like. Does that sound like a good idea? or should I try harder to be more verbal with him in person?

Thanks again for your assistance, and no rush on getting back to me.


Posts: 77 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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So your problems in communication, do they lie with you not knowing the answers, or with having a hard time telling him the answers?

If it's the latter, what do you think you feel when he asks you those questions. Embarrassment? Shame? What is holding you back from talking?

One thing that comes to mind is that it sounds like when this sort of negotiation happens, it is coming from him and happening in the heat of the moment. So one suggestion that I have is that you change the dynamics of that a little and have a more two-sided conversations about this, away from the context of the bedroom. Being dressed and not being in the middle of sex may make it easier for you to communicate yourself, and if you are BOTH talking and BOTH sharing your wants and needs, it's more of an equal exchange and you may feel less like you are being put on the spot.

Also, I'd not assume that he will judge you for the the things you like. He is asking, after all, which implies that he WANTS to hear what you are interested in.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50827

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Thanks so much for your (fast) response September [Smile]

1. I think part of it may be I don't necessarily know (all) the answers. For example, I wouldn't know what would definately make me orgasm, I could only say what feels good and is likely to get me to climax.

2.What if I say I like X, he does X and it doesn't feel good? I guess I worry that I may say to do something and it won't have the desired effect. As in, in my head and based on previous experiences I know what feels good, but I guess not everything with one person would feel good with another.

3. In regards to how I feel when he asks such questions, I would say embarrassment is an emotion I feel and perhaps as well I'm nervous to say what I really want. What if he doesn't like it or thinks I'm strange/immature/weird or something along those lines.
It's also hard to imagine that someone WANTS to give me pleasure.

4. That's a good suggestion you make about having a conversation away from the 'heat of the moment', where we can both talk and ask.

Thanks again.

Posts: 77 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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I think that having a conversation with him in a nonsexual setting will help alleviate a lot of these worries. These worries, by the way, are totally things you can share with him. Know, too, that sex is sometimes awkward and turns out in a way that we don't expect, so it's natural not to be able to always have something that usually feels good feel good all the time. It doesn't mean that anyone has done anything wrong, or disappointed anyone, it's just how bodies are. Do you feel comfortable telling him that you don't always know all the answers, and that you worry about disappointing him or turning him off?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 50827

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Thanks for your input Robin [Smile]

You're right, in that things don't always turn out as one expects, and that in itself is totally normal.

I think it will be a good idea for me to say something along the lines of I don't always know the answers and I worry about what I do/don't say turning him off. He seems to be a pretty good guy so I think he'll be okay with that.

Posts: 77 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 56822

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He sounds like a really good friend with benefits, and it seems you get on very well in that context. All the best! [Smile]

[ 08-25-2012, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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