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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Getting down on myself (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Getting down on myself
foreverbroken
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I have been having a strong attraction to girtls, sexually and romantically. When I see one that I like or think is pretty I get all warm and cozy inside. I am deeply embarrasses and ashamed. From where I live and grew up being homosexual or anything in that lines is wrong and out if the question. I am still attracted to guys in the same way. I really don't know what to do anymore and how to stop these "feelings" from coming. I dont want to be an outcast or anything. I mean is it wrong o. How I am feeling. I am so ashamed and embarrasses no one knows how I truly feel except you guys now. I also am so ashamed I never want to act on my feelings towards girls. I am stuck in a place where I dont know what to do anymore. I think my feelings got stronger after my rape. I don't know why that is either. I am just looking for answers support and advice. Someone who can listen and be non judgmental. I have read e articles on here more then once and yes they have helped but it is just nice getting reassured and have someone I can truly talk to Nd be myself.

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Heather
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Somtimes I think it can help to put something like this in another context.

For example, let's say that someone was raised in a community where there was a belief that interracial dating was wrong and out of the question, or having red hair was wrong or out of the question.

What might you think about someone in one of those situations feelings ashamed? What would you say to them if they had red hair, or were in love with someone of a different race?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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That just because of the color of there skin or hair doesn't define them as wrong or bad. That they should be able to love who they want.. Ya I k ow your thinking hey listen to yourself that's great advice but it's sometimes hard to take ones own advice. I almost feel dirty having those thoughts

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Heather
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Can you get, though, that those feelings are more about -- if not all about -- other people's biases or ignorance than about anything actually BEING "dirty" about those feelings?

Can you also understand that there is literally no way, none, anyone can live where every single person will accept them and they won't be an "outcast" by someone's standards? In other words, even if we tried to live our whole lives with the goal of never doing something someone else didn't like or judged, and tried to do everything to avoid that, we would always fail.

Lastly, feelings can't do anything to anyone. They really can't. Only actions can. So, if you're not ready to take any action around these feelings because you haven't yet made peace with the feelings, that's okay. You get to take all the time you need to make that peace first, or at least come a lot further along with it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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How do I come at peace with those feelings? I know I a, going to be who I am and if someone doesn't like it then too bad. There loss. I mean I don't know hot to act on ,y feelings or what not.

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Heather
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Well, usually it takes time, for one. Cutural conditioning of any kind isn't something any of us can just toss out overnight. We basically have to unlearn it.

Sometimes that also involves getting exposure to other ideas and other communities so we can find out, in a tangible way, how universal certain ideas are NOT.

I'd say that another piece of this is finding a balance between how much we seek and need the approval of others. Obviously, we all have a certain level of desire for belonging, we want people to belong with. But if we can't be who we are or are afraid to be because we are fearful of anyone not approving of us in a big way, then we've tipped the scales and gone to a place with that desire to belong that doesn't actually make room for us -- who we really are -- to really belong, if you follow me.

With homophobia and biphobia in particular, it can also help to do some research on those kinds of ideas and biases, where they have come from historically, from whom and what the agenda of those folks with those biases often are. Really looking at the hypocrisy or ignorance involved in some of this stuff can go a long way in helping it pack less of a punch.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok that makes a lot of sense. I guess its just a scarey thing to do and accept. I mean i am freaking out here and feel like i am a really horrible person. Is it ok to feel the way i am? Will i end up going to jail

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Heather
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To jail for what?

Again, I'd try and look at -- logically, not emotionally, for now -- why you feel like it would make someone a horrible person because they are a woman who is attracted to people who aren't men.

maybe think about some people you like who are members of that group? (Hint: you've been talking to one of those people right in this thread. [Razz] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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for going against the law. I honestly dont know. I mean i feel like what i am doing is against the law. Its probaly from all of whats protrated on TV, the internet and how someone is raised. It makes me feel better that I am not alone and that i am talking to someone who feels attracted to women to. [Smile] I am glad i found this website so I can experess how i REALLY feel. [Razz]

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Heather
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For starters, no way of feeling is against the law. Laws regulate actions, not thoughts.

And in the United States in 2012 (and for quite some time now, as in, decades or longer in most places in the west), people engaging in consensual sexual or romantic relationships with people of the same sex is also lawful. I'd be very curious (just out of general curiosity) where you're hearing that it is against the law currently.

One more thing that might help is thinking about why, if someone thinks someone involved with someone same-sex is a bad person, someone involved with the opposite sex would be a good person, which would have to logically follow with that frame of thinking. How does what gender of person someone has feelings about or is involved with earnestly say anything about their character, rather than say, how a person treats other people they encounter, whatever their gender?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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I grew up in a family and friends that were way against it. That praying can heal someones mind and turn them straight. I personaly dont think that it makes someone a bad person if they are attracted to the same sex as they are. I know that society is against it and i want to be accepted. I have never really been accepted in my whole life. I know its stupid to care about what people think of me. But considering my past its something i crave. Just like someone who smokes they want to keep smoking. I want to get accepted and if i come out with this I am afraid i will go in a deeper hole that i can not get out of. Can i ask you a question? When did you discover your true sexuality?

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Heather
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So, it's religious bias you have mostly dealt with around this, then.

You know the same book a lot of those folks are likely saying they read this was bad from (which actually doesn't say anything about homosexuality or bisexuality, at all) says that incest is okay when God says so, right? I bring something like that up because a lot of people use religious books very selectively, and only use them for support for the things they want, and then ignore them for the things they don't. As another example, I bet some of those folks also shave and watch football on Saturday, too other things listed as no-no's in the Bible.

I wouldn't say it's stupid to care what other people think of us. Everyone does to some degree. But it's just not sound to try and only be a person everyone accepts, because that's impossible. And if we're getting accepted by pretending to be someone we aren't, then we're not really being accepted at all, anyway.

I'm not sure what you mean by "true sexuality," but if you're asking about when I knew that I was attracted to people of all genders, with me, it's one of those things I never really didn't know. I grew into my sexuality having a very clear sense of attraction to women and men alike, even with childhood crushes.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok ya i mean i have always had crushes with women and men since i was 13-14 and have came to the conclusion I am bi even if i dont act on them. And i was told that ther is one man and one women for everyone and no man shall be with another man and no women shall be with another women. I think i am scared really scared of coming out i dont know how. I hold my feelings in and never let them out i keep them all bottled up. But that has not worked for me like i thought it would.

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Heather
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Well, I'm not sure who told you that, but obviously that's their personal philosophy (and heck, even the Bible, if that's the religion they're drawing on, doesn't really say that. And again, it says zip about women not being with women and men not being with men, save in very specific contexts, like rape). One that stands pretty counter to the way the vast majority of people -- including heterosexual people -- have always lived their lives, but still. They get to have their own personal philosophy. But that also means you and everyone else gets to have theirs, and no one person is right about stuff like this while another is wrong.

Right now, would you say you're in both the headspace -- in terms of feeling strong around this -- and the community where coming out would be something positive for you? If not, what would you be looking for in coming out right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Of course, I just realized that the person that told you there was one man and one woman for everyone? You could always say that that's actually supportive of bisexuality, save that one isn't enough in a lifetime for most people of any orientation. [Razz] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ya i mean i am confused why people only follow some things i n the bible and then other things they do. what really is wrong if someone is happy? I mean i want to have a kid i cant do that if i am with another women can I? I have so much on my mind right now i dont know what to do or think at this point. I mean there are people who are 30-40 years apart that are togehter and dating so why is that more acceptable then same sex couples?

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Heather
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There's a pretty long history in the world of people using religion to further their own personal agendas, and either not caring they're not being consistent, or not even bothering to study the religion they claim to be part of because they just can't be sussed, alas.

But I do think that not only is it sound to hold people who say they subscribe to something to be consistent, someone else's religious beliefs are just that: theirs. They can want others to believe the same things or think others should (also in the Old Testament, btw, it's clear you're not supposed to push your religion on other people in the first place), but that doesn't stop you from having the right -- and in the United States, one protected by the constitution -- to your own beliefs.

But it sounds to me like some of what you need here is just time to think all of this through. I don't think we actually need to make comparisons like you did with age-disparate couples, because...well, I don't think we do. But if going through that kind of thinking helps you out, then it's all good for you.

I'd just remind you once more, though, that processing all this stuff isn't something anyone can do overnight. It takes time, often a long time, and it's okay not to be all the way there with it when you're not.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ya i know i need time to process this. I am just saying that it makes me mad that society is so against how people want to live there life, they cant get married and have children. or can they? I am sorry..... [Frown]

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Heather
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I would be cautious thinking about this as 'society" being against gay, lesbian and bisexual people. "Society," after all, is either a term for the whole world -- and everyone doesn't think that way -- or very specific societies, but not others.

And the world has been changing a LOT around all of this, especially over just the last ten years. Because now, yes, in many states and some countries, people who want to get married to same-sex partners absolutely can. And same-sex couple have always been able to have children (with, obviously either reproductive technologies or asking friends to help when it comes to whatever body parts needed are missing), but yes, same-sex couple can also retain custody of children and raise families.

And on the whole, a whole lot of people don't think the way that one person you brought up do.

It's so easy to get caught up in the feeling that the way our family, community, or peer group is is the way the whole world is, but it's just never true. the world and the people in it are very, very diverse, not all the same.

Have you expanded your social circle at all at college? Sounds like you could stand to do that if you haven't yet. You might also want to see if your school has any LGBT groups.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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i want to and i dont know if my school does or not. I am afraied to ask in fear of judging. I can try looking on my school website. I feel very comfertable talking to you about this subject.I am stating to not care so much anymore how others think of me. I am going to be me and accept me for who i am or leave. Thats going to be my new motto. I think the second paragrapgh writin really speaks to me. [Smile] Do you think my rape has triggered the fear of men and being more attracted to women from it or am i insane?

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Karybu
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Looking on your school website is definitely a good place to start - LGBT groups can be a really great source of social support and a good way to expand your social circle, too.

Per your second question, you're not insane. Rape can have all sorts of effects on sexuality, but attraction is so complex and fluid that it's tough to say exactly what makes us attracted to someone, you know?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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foreverbroken
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ya i know. its a hard thing to pin point. I feel like people dont chose to be attracted to ceretian people at times. They cant help it at times, what do you think? I mean sometimes its confusing.

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Karybu
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I'd say you're absolutely right - attraction isn't something we have much control over. We can choose whether to act on that attraction (or not), but we don't really have a choice in who we're attracted to in the first place.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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foreverbroken
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yes. I am attracted to my old advicate i havnt told her and wont. She is letting me still talk woth her since i was so close to her and was able to really talk to her with my really bad trust issues. Even tho thats really not allowed she is still letting me tho. So i am soo greatful with that. She means the world to me [Smile] Thanks for all the help

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Karybu
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You're welcome. I'm glad your advocate is still a good source of support for you. [Smile]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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foreverbroken
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she really isnt my advicate anymore all tho she is still in my life and helps me and is a support for me. [Smile]

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foreverbroken
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so is there any self help books or anything that i can read that will help me and educate me some more? Besieds looking into where the idea of homophobis and biaphobia came from?

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Robin Lee
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HI Diamond,

Any of these would be a good start for you:

Am I Blue? by Marion Dane Bauer
GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens, by Kelly Huegel
Queer: The Ultimate Guide for Teens by Kathy Beige

Do you still have an advocate who is working with you?

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foreverbroken
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ya i still do. All tho i have a hard time talking to her. Where can i get these books, at a library?

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foreverbroken
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Why is it that I feel lost and alone? I want to be accepted and to be liked. I want people to care about me, is that too much to ask?

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Heather
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I think this is a pretty big question, and probably not just about having sexual/romantic feelings towards women.

You've brought up being in a family that sounds dysfunctional, a history of being bullied, having a disability that sets you apart: all of those things strike me as things, even alone, that could leave a person feeling that way.

Since this sounds like a much bigger issue than something about sex or sexuality, I think when you can start your counseling, this would be something great to lead with in terms of asking for help with that.

Too, how about when you go back to school, you try some new things to get you connected to more people than you were last year?

It also sounds like being home for the summer has left you pretty isolated. I think that plan you have for next summer to go to CA and stay with your friend instead sounds like a great one, and maybe is something you can work during the next year to make sure that can and does happen.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ya i plan on talking to more people in my classes and being more open and outgoing.

I am still confused on why i am attracted to women in a romantic and sexual way. I am afraid of it i am more terrified then anything. I love the feeling when i see someone who i am attracted to. I love the feeling i get inside. It hurts me not being able to act on them or be able to be friend them and get close to them. Are these feelings pretty normal or am i just the wired one that has the odd feelings?

I am hopefully going to a noonans syndrome convention next summer. I think that will help me alot.

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Heather
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There's not a different "why" for why someone is attracted to one gender than there is for another. In other words, the "why" would be the same as the "why" a woman is attracted to men.

Is it normal for people to experience feelings of sexual or romantic attraction to other people? Most people do, so if we mean "common" when we say "normal," then yes.

And if and when people have those feelings, do they often long to connect with others in those ways they have those feelings for? Again, yep.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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foreverbroken
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ok. Ya i know its hard to pin point why someone is attracted to someone. Its something beyond anyones control. I am ashamed i guess and i feel dirty being attracted to women. On the other hand i really like it. I dont know how to come out and be able to tell people and to act on my feelings tho. Any ideas? More time to think about it? Any articles I can read about coming out?

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Heather
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Well, we also usually aren't just attracted to someone's gender, either. gender is just one of many pieces of a person.

You keep bringing up the word "dirty" here. Want to talk about what that word means to you, and why you think you're feeling like having attraction to men isn't dirty, but attraction to women is?

With coming out, I asked a question back there about that I think you missed:

quote:
Right now, would you say you're in both the headspace -- in terms of feeling strong around this -- and the community where coming out would be something positive for you? If not, what would you be looking for in coming out right now?

And yep, we have a basic piece about coming out here: Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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