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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I can't have sex with my fiance(husband): Please Help

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Author Topic: I can't have sex with my fiance(husband): Please Help
CareBear00
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I'm not sure if this should go in the relationships section or the sex section-- but here goes..

I've been struggling to find someone to talk to this about. I feel that I can't speak with my family and I don't have enough money to pay a counselor. So here I am.

Ever since me and my fiance had moved in together, I can't seem to have sex with him. I don't feel that 'I-need-to-jump-you' feeling that I used to have with past bfs. Or my life is so stressful that I feel like whenever we do have sex or even me going down on him-- it just feels like a needed chore. We've talked about it, had fights about it, tried different tactics, tried distancing ourselves-- but it always boils down to the same thing.

Although, we've been together for 3 years now, and the only thing that is stopping us from getting married is simply not having financial support to do so. In every other aspect of our relationship, we are strong. We laugh together, we play together, we understand each other, we both want to have children, we are supportive in each other's dreams... I can truely feel that this man is the one I want to live my whole life with. But then the wall of unable-to-have-sex smacks me in the face.

When we first faced this problem I came up with some possible stoppers. Birth control was one of them. It lowered my lebito drastically. So I switched to a different type that seemed to help for a short while. I could feel myself enjoying sex more, and I felt more like myself and had no more mood swings. But then a month later, we hit the wall again. So this time I tried a test and got off of birth control. I've been off birth control for about 3 months now, and I found that I enjoy sex.. but I still can't initiate it. And most of the time it still feels like a chore. It makes me scared that we aren't married yet, and still have this problem.

In regards to our sexual life,
My fiance would like us to do it once-a-day. I feel like I'd like to do it, maybe 4 times a week-- I think that's more realistic. But it's hard to do so when I don't have that feeling to jump him. And if we were to just let me take over, we would only do it maybe twice a week or once a week--and then sometimes once every three weeks. It's gotten to the point where my fiance will beg for it, or mention it 3 times a day. And it turns me off. We've read together that begging for it, is the worst thing you can do. But I know in the back of his mind he's thinking "well, what I am supposed to do?". And now I feel this constant pressure to figure this out and be more active..

Is anyone else going through this?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, CareBear, welcome and hopefully we can help.

So, let's start first with the issues of desire: have you EVER felt strong sexual desire for this person? have you ever had a sexual life with this person you enjoyed, that didn't feel like a chore, that was really fun and satisfying for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CareBear00
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I've asked myself this same question before. And it feels like its on the fence.

When we first got together, we did it like rabbits. That was about 3 months of that. And then I quickly got on birth control. And then about a month after that, we hit the wall. Then it seems like its a switch that goes off and on. And when I was younger, it would most always be on. If that makes sense? But now it's mostly off. When we do have sex, and I'm not taking it as a chore or needed necessity, then it's really fun and satisfying for both of us. Then I feel like our relationship is super strong, and I wonder why I even hit the wall in the first place.

But then I also have moments, where I don't feel an attraction until maybe once a week or once every two weeks. And on the times that its a chore or necessity-- or if I'm forcing myself to be active, no matter what he does to try and get me in the mood; I just feel irritable, stressed, and defeated. And then we both get frustrated at each other.

Also--
Thank you for replying so quickly. It really means a lot to me. =)

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Heather
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Just to make sure I have this right, when you say you did it like rabbits, do you also mean you felt a lot of sexual desire for this person? I ask, because, perhaps obviously, someone having a lot of sex doesn't really say anything about if they felt sexual desire.

You say when you were younger your desire switch was always on, but I assume you don't mean just for anyone or everyone? if you don't, can you tell me what you mean by that in the context of THIS person? I ask that because our sexual desire usually is specific, at least in some ways, and context changes things, including the who.

You also say there are times -- sounds like often -- you are or are trying to force yourself to feel something you don't or to be sexual when you don't want to. If nothing else, I would say stopping that, flat out, and NEVER doing that again, needs to be your very first step here. talk about a way to almost make sure we kill sexual desire, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CareBear00
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Well.. with past boyfriends, I usually kept my distance. I would keep everything PG rated until I felt they were compatible with me, and then I'd take it to the next level from there.

But when I first met my fiance-- all of my morals, standards, and rules that I gave myself; went out the window. I felt deeply attracted to him and completely comfortable with us. So when I say 'doing it like rabbits' it means we did it quite a bit and a lot more than what I was used to-- and yet I felt completely comfortable and ridiculously attracted to him.

If I would compare my past relationships with sexual desire vs. my fiance at the peak of our sexual desire-- I would have to say that I felt a more powerful sexual desire for my fiance, BUT it died quickly after a month on being on birth control. With my past relationships, I would always feel a pull with sexual desire for that person-- but I think that was because of distancing myself and simply my age-- and it never felt more than just hormones.

As for forcing myself-- I think you really hit the nail there. But I do find it hard to not force it sometimes. I'll feel a ping of desire, act on it, and then it fizzles. Or I'll psych myself out, or think of tons of other things I need to do rather than doing this, ya know?

But the real problem is that I think-- how many times will I have to tell my fiance No, until I'm able to say Yes? It's frightening and makes me feel a little ashamed. =/

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Heather
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I hear you saying that you feel shame because you don't desire this person in the way they desire you, or as often.

I don't think that that's anything to be ashamed of: but do you have any sense of why you're feeling that and what that's about for you?

If not, can I dig a little into some of the dynamics here? Do you feel like this person is patient with what is a clear pretty big difference in desire? If not, rather than trying to make something happen that isn't happening, or be there that maybe isn't anymore -- and it sounds like the pill was coincidental with this, rather than causal - have you two even talked at all about the possibility of not trying to have a sexual relationship? If so, how have those talks gone?

(And if you're freaking out at even the thought of that, you are both aware we can have someone be a major person in our life, even a life partner, and not have them be a sexual partner, yes? IOW, we can have people in that spot who aren't lovers, and have other sexual relationships be our sexual relationships.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CareBear00
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After reading your post, I became really defensive. I talked to my fiance about it, and he agreed with you. So we talked about it. We talked about if I have ever felt an attraction--and we both agreed that if I don't feel this way, then how can we continue and get married in the future? How could we have children like this?

So we decided to take a break... but that's harder said then done. We couldn't last an hour away from each other. And now we're both confused. Walking eggshells around each other... not sure if being together like we normally would be is going to help or hurt us. And we're both terrified to lose each other... So now I just feel lost.

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Heather
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I was worried you might, but just hoped you'd be able to know I asked what I did with the best of intentions, just to see if you both even knew where you stood with that.

So, how do you want to move forward from here?

I mean, we can certainly talk about how people don't have to lose one another or not be in one another's lives even if and when one kind of relationship they have or had doesn't turn out to be the right one for them. We can also talk about what you both want to try and find out with a break and how to best use that time, or how to be able to spend one hour apart (something people in any kind of relationship should know how to do easily for it to be healthy, after all), or....?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CareBear00
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Yeah, and I appreciate all of your help. [Smile]

Right now, we're taking it slow. Being apart, we found out that we still really love each other, even if my fire has died. But the good part, is that I'm honest with myself-- and am not trying to force anything.

We also talked about in detail how our relationship started and pinpointed what makes me feel desire. And we realized, that we really jumped into an adult relationship rather quickly--and never experienced that spontaneous flirting and love.

It's been 2 days now, and everything has been so far so good. I realized that our sex life before, seemed to always be on a the clock, it was like we would have to do something right before bed. But now there's no pressure.

I'll keep an update if anything else happens =)

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