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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Am I ready for a sexual relationship?

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Author Topic: Am I ready for a sexual relationship?
Rosalia
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Member # 82681

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I start University in August, and I realize that's possible that I may find a boyfriend. I'm not saying that Day 1, I'll have sex, I'm not ready for it, and still never had intercourse.

Last November, I was highly sexually abused by an ex boyfriend, who never really cares about me, and only wanted me for pleasure. He has orally raped me multiple times. Since then, I've been through a huge struggle to heal and cope.

Very recently, as in the past week or 2, I've been having urges, for lack of a better word. Where, previously I never really had them, except once and I tried to ignore and find other ways to distract myself from it. However when I try to masturbate (I honestly don't know how to either, I know a lot of it is self exploration, but I can't0 because that brings back painful memories. though, strangely, I'm more comfortable with the idea of doing sexual acts with someone, rather than by myself, as long as I can really trust them.

I also met someone, a boy my age going to the same university as me (we met a few months back during a school visit) who is also interested in the same classes as me. He's very kind, and we've bee visiting each other over the course of the months. He knows my sexual abuse past, and he understands that I need to move at my own pace.I really like him, I really do. He makes me feel safe, and it's ok if ever start feeling bad or have a nightmare about my past, i can go to him or call, and he does his best to help.

I guess I'm trying to ask, am I really ready to move on and start a relationship, a healthy and safe on this time, and if it comes to sex, will I be ready despite me not being comfortable with masturbation, but am more comfortable with the idea of an actual sex partner?

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"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI Rosalia,


Are you currently in counselling for the abuse? If so, is this something you feel like you can explore in your counselling sessions?

I'm also a little confused. Are you wanting to start a relationship with this friend you mentioned, or are you just thinking of the possibility of potential relationships when you start meeting new people at university? Maybe a little bit of both?

I can definitely understand why you're wanting to think ahead. Being sexually involved with someone is big stuff for a lot of people, and often more so for someone with an abuse history. However, what a sexual relationship looks like, and how it unfolds, is pretty dependent on how ready you feel at that particular time. It's pretty hard to predict how you're going to feel and what's going to be going on in your life at a time that is still a couple of months, maybe even more, away.

I'm wondering though if it might be more helpful to you to talk, particularly if we're talking about the possibility of starting a new relationship at university, about healthy ways to start relationships, to establish trust and communication, to have the sexual part of the relationship go at a pace that you're comfortable with.

As to whether you're ready based on how you feel about masturbation: Masturbation feels different and means different things for everyone, but one thing that I would say is that if you don't have the deep comfort with and trust of yourself to feel good about and safe with masturbating, it is likely that having that deep and abiding trust of someone else isn't going to be a reality. IN other words, it's important to know what self-trust feels like, so we know what trust of others feels like.

What do you think of all of this?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rosalia
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Yes and now, my counsler is having family problems, her father has cancer, so she is away. Though, I can still email her, but it's difficult to communiate my thoughts when not in person. Plus, the University has their own Phsyocligsts.

I'm sorry, I mean my friend mostly., Though, it is also possible at University if things don't fall through with my friend. But it would take me a while to trust someoen at that level.

After reading what you said though, maybe talking more about relationships is better. Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead. I am bit confused on self-trust though, especially since i don't think I ever had much or any of it.

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"Always remember this little sister, no mater where you or I go, no matter what happens to the either of us, know that I'll always be with you in your heart." - R.I.P my friend.

Posts: 125 | From: Lancaster, PA | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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