Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Penetration of any kind hurts

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Penetration of any kind hurts
JellyTots
Neophyte
Member # 93681

Icon 9 posted      Profile for JellyTots     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we have engaged in various sexual activities other than vaginal intercourse. About 3 months ago I decided that I wanted to have vaginal intercourse with my boyfriend and he was happy to oblige.

I haven't ever been fingered before or used tampons, so nothing has ever been inserted into my vagina till we tried. We took our time with foreplay, used lots of lube and he started by trying to insert a finger. He did not even get a quarter of the way in when I told him to stop. The pain was too much. We decided to do other things that we both enjoy before attempting to do manual intercourse again. Following the same procedure as before, he tried inserting one finger very slowly but again I found it too painful and told him to stop.

The next time I felt that I wanted to have vaginal sex, I asked him not to try with his fingers and to just attempt penile penetration. We both took our time with the necessary foreplay, oral sex, extra lube and protection and he tried, very slowly, to insert into my vagina. No more that just the tip of his erection was inside when I had to tell him to withdraw. The pain was just unbearable. I can describe it as a slicing pain that is constant whenever anything is inserted into my vagina.

I decided to visit my GP. She took a LVS and later confirmed I had thrush. I thought that this might have been the reason for it. After taking the medication and trying again, nothing seems to have changed. Attempts at penile penetration is still very very uncomfortable and painful and my boyfriend has remained very patient and caring with me.

The GP said that as i'm a virgin, an internal examination would be very intrusive and potentially more painful, seeing as I am already suffering with not even being able to have manual intercourse. Just the thought of having a speculum inserted makes me wince but I don't know what else I should do? [Frown]

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It seems to me that at this point, it's not likely the thrush -- which certainl;y, though, would have likely made things more painful -- or anything else physically wrong.

Generally, for most people, getting comfortable with sex that involves vaginal or anal entry, then having it feel GOOD tends to be a process that takes a while. And when I say a while, I mean things like:
• Time spent with your own masturbation (as in, months or, ideally, years), whether it includes any entry or not
• Time spent exploring kinds of sex without entry with a partner
• Time spent getting comfortable with either of those body openings yourself -- alone -- emotionally and physically
• Then very gradual steps to sex with entry, like at least a few times just with a finger or small toy, either used with plenty of extra lubrication


There's more to it than that, but I'd say those are the barest basics to start with.

IF you are already there with all of that, and you've given some things a good amount of time (not just one or two tries) and everything else you do already feels good, you feel very comfortable with it and there are NO issues of pain and discomfort, AND it's been at least a couple of weeks since you had the thrush treated, that's the point where I'd have another visit with a GYN.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Also, were you ever able to resolve these issues: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?/ubb/get_topic/f/2/t/013791/p/1.html#000000

I know it can seem strange, but relationship conflicts or unresolved issues can have an impact on our sexual lives, including how sex feels.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JellyTots
Neophyte
Member # 93681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JellyTots     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, thank you Heather, we spoke about things and ended up taking some time out of the relationship to think about things but ended up coming back together because we felt we could work together to help one another to feel better about ourselves and the issues we were both experiencing. We are both much happier now and have both made progress.

With regards to the list of things you have suggested, some of those things have been achieved for example, we tried anal sex which took a number of months to ease into properly but found that it wasn't something that was mutually enjoyed and so we no longer engage in it. The only problem I have encountered with penetration has been vaginally and it has been worrying me. My thrush was treated over 2 months ago and we have tried again since that time.

I suppose that perhaps I need to spend more time exploring myself and see if that helps at all. When you say getting comfortable with these openings myself both emotionally and/or physically, could you please explain what you mean?

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm so glad to hear you two works that all out. [Smile]

So, in terms of getting more comfortable, maybe you could paint me a picture of where you're at with that?

For instance, did you have a history of masturbation before sex with this partner, or at least recently, and is your sex life alone in that regard working out for you?

How about how you feel about your vulva and vagina, period. Are these body parts you feel very comfortable with, including looking at them, exploring the opening with fingers, etc?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JellyTots
Neophyte
Member # 93681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JellyTots     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ok.

I was masturbating prior to getting into my present relationship and continue to masturbate despite being in a relationship. I haven't ever tried insertion myself but I can achieve orgasm and don't have any problems with climaxing from clitoral stimulation. I am happy with this and don't feel like I have experienced any problems on my own so far.

I don't particularly think that my genitals are pretty but I have no problems with touching or looking at them. Following our second attempt at vaginal intercourse I took the time and sat with a mirror to see what if anything was there that could have been in the way or if I was swollen or tender. I have opened my labia to see inside at my vaginal entrance and it doesn't seem to be fully perforated. I was actually really very surprised at how small it was and thinking of how large a penis can be when erect that really is quite a stretch that has to be made.

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
So, it's looking to you -- and I know you're not an expert or a doctor, so no need qualifying there -- like you may have some hymenal tissue yet that hasn't eroding or isn't eroding very much at this point?

If so, did the GYN who gave you a visual exam mention anything about this? I'm asking because if they didn't, and you did talk about pain with intercourse, chances are isn't not really an issue or that's not what's going on, but just want to check.

With the intercourse attempts, or with fingers, can I ask if you tried either of these things yet after already reaching orgasm? I ask that because sometimes that's an easy way to figure out if this is about an issue with arousal or not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JellyTots
Neophyte
Member # 93681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JellyTots     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Yes, that would be fair to say. It seems to me that the tissue isn't fully perforated, I could be wrong.

I went to see my GP and she said everything looked healthy but that I was a little tender at the entrance (bearing in mind this was when I had the thrush). With regards to a hymenal tissue problem, she said the hymen cannot really be seen by the naked eye and that if I was having no trouble with my menstual flow then I don't really have a cause for concern there.
I did mention the painful intercourse and her response was that it was most likely due to the tenderness and thrush. She advised me to try using fingers and different positions as well as lots of lube.

Before attempting entry, we did lots of foreplay and I did reach orgasm, when this failed, and we decided to come back to it later my boyfriend again helped me to reach orgasm before attempting entry again.

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, often the hymen/corona can be seen, since it's only just inside the vaginal opening but a) maybe with all the swelling from the thrush, she was talking about difficulties seeing your vulva properly at the time, but also b) it can be hard to differentiate between what the hymen is and what the vaginal opening is.

That all given, even though you're not having issues with menstrual flow -- which would indicate a lack of ANY erosion of the hymen -- it might be sound to ask for another exam now that the thrush is gone. I'd suggest explaining that you've done all she suggested, and are still having the same issues.

Again, though, this still might not be a physical issue. But since you are having issues with entry despite some basics that usually help, and it doesn't sound like even entry with a finger is feeling okay for you, I think it's worth another look just in case. because if it IS a physical issue like a very resilient hymen or vulvodynia, for example, then all the DIY in the world isn't going to help. So, having physical issues ruled out is important.

[ 11-13-2012, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JellyTots
Neophyte
Member # 93681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JellyTots     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you for this Heather.

I will book an appointment with the GP again and ask for another exam. Should I try being more exploratory with myself first, for example trying insertion with fingers on my own and seeing if that makes a difference?

It is beginning to worry me that what if I do have a serious problem and can't have penetrable sex? How is this going to affect my future relationships and sex life... [Frown]

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'd say that for right now, you can do whatever you want so long as it isn't causing you pain.

Sometimes, with genital pain like this, the more pain someone keeps experiencing, the more likely it is to feel painful just because of the association of that touch with pain by itself. Obviously, you don't want to do anything that might make this tougher to deal with than it is for you now.

In terms of your worries, I know of very few people with a range of pain conditions fro whom that means they can't ever have sex with entry when that is what they want. And too, even when it DOES mean that, sex with entry isn't this thing everyone has to do for happy, healthy sexual relationships. Plenty of people have those without that kind of sex just because it's not the kind of sex they enjoy, or their partners do.

But I think worrying about that at this stage of the game, period, is really premature. If and when that is truly the case, we're happy to talk that through with you in depth, but I don't think we have any indication yet that's even a possibility.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JellyTots
Neophyte
Member # 93681

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JellyTots     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sure, ok.

I'll see how I get on but will get myself seen to as soon as possible to at least determine whether it is a physical problem or merely psychological.

I'll be in touch again soon. Thanks for all your advice so far, I'm really very grateful.

Posts: 16 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just FYI, I'd not call issues like this that aren't physical "merely" psychological. First of all, sometimes they are neither, but more about a learning curve in relationships, for instance.

But even when they are about things that are just in our heads, it usually takes some doing to work through that: alas, it's not usually just this switch anyone can just shift off.

But either way, happy to help, and we'll be glad to keep following up with you as needed, whatever the root of this turns out to be.

[ 11-13-2012, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68174 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3