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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » What If I Want to have Sex But Can’t

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Author Topic: What If I Want to have Sex But Can’t
Someonearoundhere
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This last weekend I finally decided to start a sexual relationship with a guy I’ve known for a while and everything was going amazingly well until we tried to have sex. From a lot of the articles I’ve read its common to have some pain when losing your virginity, but I couldn’t even get that far. I was aroused and totally into what we were doing, wasn’t nervous or anything, but he couldn’t even get his penis inside me it was just too painful. He isn’t very large, actually probably on the smaller side of average, and after we gave up and did something else instead I noticed I was bleeding and I’m still hurting several days later.

I probably should have asked him to stop sooner than I did, but I was just unsure if I should say anything or not. I’m glad he took it well, though, when I decided I couldn’t take any more. And I don’t know if it matters but I’m the type of girl who can take a lot of pain before I start complaining but that just trying this was really intensely painful. I’ve never had anything larger than a small sized tampon inside me and even that was kind of painful and I’m not some tiny little girl, either. I can’t find anything about this problem, can anyone give me any insight please?

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Robin Lee
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HI Someonearoundhere and welcome to Scarleteen,


First of all, if it helps, we get a lot of questions like this.

just so you know, the size of someone's body isn't at all related to the size of their vagina. [Smile]

Also, ideally there should be little to no pain with entry, so having to "grin and bear it" through any pain is never necessary. I'm glad to hear that your partner was good with stopping, as he should be. Sex is about both people feeling good, after all, not just one.


You mentioned that this was your first time having intercourse. Intercourse is one of many sexual activities, all of which can be called "sex". Was this your first time having any kind of sexual experience with a partner?

You mention being "ready". Do you mean ready in that you felt really really aroused and like this was something you wanted, or ready as in your mind wanted it and your body was going along? IN other words, did you spend lots of time with other sexual activities before starting to have intercourse.

Even a smallish penis can be a big thing to put into a vagina without preparation. Being aroused--turned on--helps the body get ready (the vagina actually changes shape, becoming more open inside) but often that can only be part of it.

I have talked to many people here and elsewhere who have described having limited experience with tampons then having their next and only experience of penetration be with a penis. What I often suggest is that it can be a good idea to get to know one's vagina by exploring with one's fingers. This not only helps the body get used to vaginal penetration, but also helps one learn one's own genital anatomy. The vagina is shaped much differently than a lot of people expect it to be, and understanding the angles can also help with penetration with a partner.

There's a lot to talk about here, but I'll leave it at that for now, as well as giving you some extra reading material, both on genital anatomy and on things to do to help with painful intercourse.

Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

and a terrific article on sexual pleasure

Yield for Pleasure

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Someonearoundhere
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It was my first sexual experience at all and I had no idea about any of this beforehand. It wasn't his first, but he didn't know why it wasn't working either. I thought I was physically ready, like you describe, as well as mentally ready; but I'll suggest to him to try taking a bit more time physically instead of just rushing into it like we were. I've also read all the things you suggested as well as several more besides, I know the next time I feel like attempting intercourse I'll have a much better understanding of what is going on and how to make it enjoyable for the both of us, although it will be waiting until the pain from the first attempt subsides completely, lol.

Thanks!

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Robin Lee
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You're most welcome.

|And yes, it's a good idea to let that pain subside; your body needs time to heal itself. [Smile]

If you do decide to try intercourse again, know that lots of water-based lubricant will also help ease friction.

Do you feel like you have a good handle on safer sex (ways to protect yourself against sexually transmitted disease transmission) and pregnancy prevention? Would you like information on those things as well?

[ 09-27-2012, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Someonearoundhere
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Actually, the very first thing I did after that failed attempt was look up condoms and the different kinds there are as well as the types of lube that can be used with them. Then I've been talking with friends about birth control and am already set up to talk to my Dr about that in a few weeks. I've also been gearing myself up for the STD talk with him the next time we're somewhere private. It was just the rest of it that my friends and I were clueless about.
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Robin Lee
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Yay! Very glad to hear you're on top of caring for your health, as well as your partner's health. [Smile]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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