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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » cant get aroused...and am left sexually frustrated

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Author Topic: cant get aroused...and am left sexually frustrated
Pixiie
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hey you may remember me from the sexual dysfunction post, and though i still think i suffer from that i think it may be arousal dysfunction. i figured out what might be the problem to it me and my bf have been having some problems as far as our connection goes so that could be whats affecting me....but what about when im not with him and im trying to masturbate on my own i still get nothing its as if my clitoris took a vacation without telling me, i brought like seven vibrators and they dont even work i watch erotic movies and read erotic stories to get me in the mood and it does but as far as clitoral stimulation goes im not getting any, its been almost 2 yrs dealing with it its taking a major toll on me i cant deal with it so please tell me what i should do

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Pixiee

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi There,

Our minds, our bodies, our lives, our relationships, all of what makes up our existence is interconnected. Don't worry; it's not getting more new age than that, but what I'm getting at is that even when you're not with your boyfriend whatever difficulties you are having in your relationship may well be colouring your other experiences. Negative associations of any kind aren't so easy to shed even if we're in a different environment and think that we're not thinking about the negative stuff.

Can you talk a little more about what is frustrating to you? What I'm asking about is whether it's frustrating not to have genital sensation or if it's frustrating that nothing you do seems to work.

Know also that these things are rarely quick fixes. Something, anything, that's lasted two years isn't going to change overnight, but that doesn't mean it can't change. [Smile]

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Robin

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Pixiie
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what frustrates me is that at one point i was able to get full body arousal back when me and my bf or i guess now i should say ex bf first started dating way b4 the baggage and problems and before i even lost my virginity to him i stopped getting fully aroused so my body was never able to even get at least a day of pleasure from sex, oral sex, or even masturbation. i've never thought to try masturbation when i did achieve full body arousal so i don't know what would work or what doesn't. but it gets frustrating that every thing i've tried doesn't work, i spent a lot of money on vibrators i even brought "her solution pills" which were pricey as well and just last week i got my hormone levels checked all because i feel so sexually deprived and frustrated i'm always horny but can never get a release. and now knowing that even though im not with my bf i will still struggle is also depressing. i cant stop obsessing about this until i find a fix for it

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Pixiee

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, this tends to be one of those things where the more frustrated and obsessed we get, the less likely it is to happen.

Let's try stepping this WAY back.

What feels good to you, to your whole body or parts of it, not just sex, and not just your genitals? For instance, if you, say take a lot, hot bubble bath, does that feel physically and emotionally pleasurable? What about eating? Some kind of sport or exercise?

How about less sexual touch: like, when you touch, stroke, various parts of your body, even just your hands on your arms or thighs, does that feel nice to you?

(Also, which baggage and problems? )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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i've never really took time to analyze what things outside of sexual touches feel good to me. when i say baggage and problems i mean between me and my ex who i keep getting in and out of a relationship with because we have so many unresolved feelings for each other and we just dnt want to let each other go but the whole back and forth of it all is stressful. and the fact that he doesn't forgive how i've taken advantage and used his kindness as a weakness back in high school even though i've apologized and meant it and even wen to therapy and tlked to my parents about it. the fact that he saids he wants to be with me but has his guard up and refuses to let me in because he's scared i will hurt him, when all i want is for the chance to show him that i really have grown and come a long way im not the same and i wont hurt him like that ever again. this is also some of the problems, we cant seem to let go of the hurt we had with each other to move forward and i kno it has to be taking a major toll on my sex life with him

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Pixiee

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Heather
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So, one thing that often has a HUGE impact on arousal is interpersonal relationship problems, yes?

This sounds like really big stuff, and I'd be willing to bet it is a BIG part of what is going on.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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so what can i do about this ...i dont want to be affected by it anymore its affected me for way to long. i know i've grown as a person and i'm not that same girl i was in highschool i want him to know that but he seems to afraid to take a chance. i just want to overcome this struggle in my sex life but i dont know where to even begin

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Well, it sounds to me like, at the very least, it's probably a most-productive use of your time to sort out these relationship issues and really focus on resolving those. They're likely making a mess of your sex life, but also your heart and overall life, too. And a really great masturbation session or sex with someone isn't going to fix them, you know?

I don't know what resolving them means. Maybe it's about both of you just moving on if this just is clearly stuck and not changing no matter what you do. Maybe it's about not having the relationship be a sexual one at all, but you two working these things out as friends and you separating yourself sexually from all of this. maybe you two can talk deeply and figure out what you need to do for things to change, I don't know.

But I think with this clearly being constantly rough for you, expecting a healthy, happy sex life in it isn't a realistic expectation.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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it already deeply saddens me that were not together at the moment or trying to figure things out.but as for working things out as friends i just dont think i can handle being jus friends with him. maybe once im moved on from him i can try but it jus doesnt seem like a possible thing to do right now...does this mean even if i were to move on from him and be with someone else i would continue to struggle with arousal?....is it a must that i talk to him about our issues in order for me to move forward and onto a better sex life?

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Without knowing how you'd be feeling without all of this interpersonal conflict, I don't think you or I could know if these things will remain issues for you like they have been.

I strongly suspect not, and I also think not talking about this issue and all the conflicts with a partner when they're going on isn't a sound choice no matter what. In intimate relationships we want to be intimate and have be healthy, we need to be talking about what's going on. Where things go from there, or where they can, is all over the place, but talking about things is ground zero.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pixiie
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so stress in a relationship or out of one has the ability to take away sensations in my clitoris??...its just hard to understand even when im in the mood my clitoris is very inactive with anything i try .so i need to know if stress has the ability to take away from my pleasure, this situation itself is stressful.

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Pixiee

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Karybu
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Stress of any kind can have all kinds of effects on our bodies, and it's not unusual for it to affect how our bodies respond, even if we feel that we're in the mood for something. So yes, stress can absolutely interfere with pleasure.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Pixiie
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i have another question thats a bit off base from the one previously. Its come across my mind a few times now, if a womens main stream of pleasure comes from her clitoris and not her vagina because its mainly a birth canal then why do women bother having vaginal sex. And what can a female do if she does not get off from vaginal penetration but her partner does?

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Pixiee

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Heather
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Well, neither sexuality nor bodies are quite that simple.

Firstof all, if someone IS having vaginal entry sex because it feels good to them, they can like it even if something else might -- when it does -- feel more intense for them, or when the things they like about it aren't just having a certain kind of physical sensation. Pleasure is a big word, being about any given way any of us can enjoy ourselves.

As well, as we explain in our anatomy pieces on the site, the clitoris is both internal and external, and plenty of people feel clitoral sensation during vaginal entry. Just not everyone, and it's a lot less likely if ALL that is going on sexually is vaginal entry, not anything else.

Plenty of people also enjoy doing things with their partner when a partner reaches orgasm from a given thing but they don't, or it isn't the final thing that gets them there.

But maybe let's not talk about a giant group of people: how about we talk about you, since this is who this is about?

Do YOU enjoy -- for whatever reasons -- vaginal intercourse? Is it something you want to do or not?

As well, if and when something brings you to orgasm but not your partner, how does that go? How do you feel about the opposite?

And if that's all moot because there isn't any kind of sex that's working out for you, in terms of feeling good OR satisfying, and if you're still engaging in any kind of sex that isn't something that feels good or isn't what you like, can I ask why?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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