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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Greater Authority?

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Author Topic: Greater Authority?
Alergnon
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Keep your thoughts and desires to yourself and you will be fine, don't act on your thoughts or desires.

Is this statement really true for anyone? Having thoughts and desires of an authority for yourself?

I really enjoy spending time with those who are in authority over me, it turns me on, like it's the only thing that turns me on. Anyone, or those who used to be an authority over me.

Nothing else really turns me on, if I'm with someone who has authority over me, I find it a turn on, even to think that person will engage in something with me.

It's the power that really turns me on, just taking that power and turning it into something amazing.

I haven't acted on this at all, but I do. I know it would be bad if someone was in authority over me to do anything sexual with me would be illegal.

What should I do?
Is this normal?
Should I keep this inside my head?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm having a bit of a hard time sorting out what you're asking, including because, for most adults per the law, it isn't unlawful for people in positions of authority over someone else to engage with them sexually.

Sometimes it is, and depending on the situation and dynamics, it can certainly be unethical. But it's isn't automatically unlawful or unethical. Certainly, plenty of people have worked this out, though it's certainly complex to do, and had healthy relationships that are sexual when one person has more power or authority than the other (heck, given gender disparities, we could say all women and men who are together have this to deal with, just like we could say this about people of color in sexual relationships with white people, people with disability involved with people who are not disabled, etc.)

What do you mean "taking" that power? Do you have the idea that engaging in sex with someone with authority somehow is you taking their power and then having it yourself? What amazing thing could it be turned into?

Same goes with the idea that someone with power is somehow honoring someone without it by engaging in sex with them or having a sexual interest: just not sure I understand that idea.

There's a lot to talk about here, but in your case, knowing what I know about you and your history, I think the biggest thing to think about here is how healthy pursuing something like this would be for you, and how much these desires may or may not have to do with previous abuses.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Alergnon
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Yea. It's like knowing, almost someone like a doctor, lawyer, police officer, etc., and doing sexual things with/to, when he/she is dealing with me on a higher level, professional level. That what turns me on, and yes as well as people with authority of any kind.
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Heather
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Afraid that didn't really clear anything up for me per so much of what you said in your first post that I asked about in my reply.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I guess what I am trying to say is, people have told me to keep my thoughts and desires inside and let it be- not acting on them in any way. Like having a sexual attraction towards my doctors, therapist, teacher, etc., and then acting on those thoughts/desires towards the person. I've always been told to keep it inside and not act on those feelings.

How am I suppose to like not act on them, I mean, I haven't, just I want to, I crave for someone that has greater authority over me and do sexual things to. How do I reduce that, those feelings?

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Heather
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Well, we can feel something and still not choose to act on it.

I mean, as a for instance, a therapist engaging in any kid of sexual relationship with a patient would be profoundly unethical. It'd also make working with that therapist useless for that patient then. So, it'd be bad news for everyone.

So, in a situation like that, you may feel a thing, but you choose not to express it because you know it'd make a royal mess for everyone. How do you not? Well, unless impulse control is a problem for you, you just don't. And in time, those feelings will tend to fizzle without it being a huge deal or something you have to struggle too much with.

If you like, you certainly can seek out a situation or relationship with someone with more power than you that's not unethical or outside the bounds of the law, and that wouldn't make a huge mess so long as you both managed it in healthy ways.

And if you think those feelings aren't coming from a healthy place, you can try and get at where they're coming from, and what you might need to change to have things feel different. And that's something you can certainly ask someone like a therapist for help with, I'd just do them a favor and ask without expressing you have sexual feelings for them. [Razz]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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You know I could seek out a situation or relationship that involves what I was talking about. At this point I shouldn't due to I'm not on Birth Control. I just transferred my drug store where my 3 doctors are at, which non of them has given me any prescriptions, just outside doctors have.

I did have a therapy session this morning and I didn't ask him a specific question about it or related to it, but I was talking about my thoughts, he told me just feel them. I am seeing my doctor today which he does a little therapy with me, but mainly I talk about my feelings so he knows the best medication to give me and what not. Well, I may ask him about it. I feel really safe and comfortable with him. I feel more comfortable with him then my therapist.

I've always had desires towards older men with authority over me. Someone that would have authority over me could be a former teacher, doctor, or even someone looking out for me. I still have desires to have sexual desires with a female, but it's mostly with males who have greater authority over me. I always like the idea of, role playing coming true. Like, I'm dating a doctor and I go to his office and take off my long coat and even if my boyfriend/husband came home and has authority over others for me to pursue that in a sexual nature. But, those haven't come alive for me. I did have my best guy friend over for a few days, we didn't do a lot of anything, just touching and once we dry humped.

I really have this plan on going to a bar tomorrow night by myself and try to hook up with someone. My sexual desires have been strong for me, I've been just hiding it from myself.

I would never act on trying to do anything to my doctor(s)- therapist, at all.

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Heather
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Do you feel like you're in a good spot to seek out any kind of sexual partnership right now, casual or otherwise?

I ask because you just mentioned you don't have the birth control method you'd like, and very recently, we've been talking about you having troubles with sex being something in your life you manage well and that doesn't wind up derailing you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I really don't know. I'd rather wait until I'm on the patch, which have to wait 2 weeks till my period to come, I may wait till I am on the patch before seeking anything for now. I'm unsure if it's related to my emotional well being. I've turned down some opportunities from guys a few times already just because I'm not on birth control. Once which someone tried to seduce me, last week, got drunk, really drunk and went to a co-worker/friends apartment and we did nothing. Then when my guy friend came down for a few days, we didn't have sex, we did stuff just not sex.
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Heather
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This might sound like an obvious question, but you get that just having sexual feelings or desires doesn't mean it's not always in our best interest to act on them with others, yes?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea, I know it can make things worse by acting on them that is a real person that has authority. Is that what you mean?
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Heather
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I don't just mean people with authority, I mean any potential sexual partners.

Like I said, you've described, in the past, having a pretty tough time making choices that really benefit you and don't derail you with sex, you've described, in the past, kind of using sex, or wanting to, as a way to self-harm, and you've also very recently discussed just barely really starting a route to healing from what sounds like some very serious and deeply-impactful childhood sexual abuse.

Struggling with any of those things can make managing any kind of sexual partnership tricky, and any kind of sexual partnership can potentially make it harder to deal with those issues and get to a place where sexual interactions ARE more of a benefit than a detriment.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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Yea. I'm trying not to do that, using sex as a self-harm coping skill.

I am leaving in an hour to head to my doctor's appointment. I have an idea what to say, just I don't want to say anything messed up regarding these feelings.

I also have to tell him, I am lost, next time I see my therapist is in 4 weeks, I got the next opening, which is in 4 weeks. I'm scared he will throw me into the hospital, I've already have a blade and cut my thumb with it and my thoughts of dieing are there and getting strong. I really don't need to be thrown into the hospital making my thoughts even worse.

Tomorrow, all I really want to do, is buy liquor and drink it. I know, bad way to cope.

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Heather
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I think it's important you are simply honest with your mental healthcare providers and trust them to use their expertise and education to help do what's best for you with you.

But for sure, it's sounding like right now, you're still in a pretty bad place, not a sound one for seeking out sexual interactions with people. I'd suggest your energy is much better spent invested in taking care of yourself right now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alergnon
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I was honest with him the best I could. I refused to look at him while I was talking. I looked at him for 5 seconds then turned my head and looked down and continued to talk.

He also told me that for me to get into trouble with any addiction would be easy for me to fall into taking my history. I'm more at risk than others he sees. He says I am improving on talking, I used to just stare at him for long periods of time, he says I am talking more he also sees I am willing to talk to get help. Before I wasn't interested in that.

Okay, so back to this desires and thoughts I am having... If I have a partner and ask the partner to role play these thoughts and desires I am having, is it more healthy than just throwing myself out there for men for one night stands? Just my best guy friend, he lives a 3 hour drive from me, it's more of a 2 hour drive but adding in the border crossing, it gets close to a 3 hour drive. We talk all the time online, I wish we him and I saw each other more often. How can I make my desires happen. I get the whole masturbating thing, just it works, I don't find it to be fun. How should I fix this or make it better?

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Robin Lee
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Are you and this best guy friend already involved in a sexual relationship?

While it is physically safer to be with a person you know and trust rather than seeking out casual sexual encounters with people you either don't know well or don't know at all, there's always emotional safety to consider.

I'm wondering, very honestly, if, since you're doing a lot of heavy emotional work right now in terms of your mental health, seeking out a sexual relationship perhaps involves more emotional energy than you really have right now. Negotiating safe, mutually fulfilling sexual relationships can often be hard work, before, during and after the encounters. You're already doing a lot of hard emotional work.

So, while I get that masturbation is not completely satisfying to you right now, I'm wondering if, as Heather suggested, your energy is really needed for you to take care of yourself.

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Robin

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Alergnon
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The best guy friend we have in the past engaged in sexual activity, when he was down, we never had sexual intercourse I felt that it would ruin the relationship since we hardly see each other (he doesn't know that) but we enjoyed each others company.

I know I need to work on my emotional health/mental health, I'm finding it a bit hard, since my therapist now I have to wait 4 weeks to see, and I am seeing a counselor for the sexual abuse as a child and my mental health provider doctor, I am seeing him in about 2 weeks. A part of me wants to quit therapy, why should I wait a month to see him next? Clearly he has way to many patients. I understand why I see my health care doctor once every 4-6 weeks or less and I'm fine with that. I think I'm okay waiting to see him due to I'm used to waiting because they just check in on how I am feeling and the medication. I get I see the counselor about the sexual abuse once a week or every other week, depending when she can see me, if she has space.

I should be used to this already, waiting. I waited a long time to be hooked up with a counselor and not talking to someone, but it's different now, I want to talk now and no one can see me due to the lack of time and space or their client/patient loads.

It's weird, my sexual drive is there, but when I masturbate it doesn't do anything or that much for me, doesn't relief that sexual drive in me at all.

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