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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Boyfriend is ready to have sex... but

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Author Topic: Boyfriend is ready to have sex... but
sinclair66
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Ok so my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and he is really starting to get serious about having sex. I know this, because he keeps asking when I want to, where I want to, how I want it ect. BUT he is in college now so we are now a long distance relationship.
In two weeks we will get to see eachother for the first time in 3 months

the long distance thing hasnt been too bad, and i know he has been loyal, but the problem is that for 3 months he has been fantisizing and letting his imagination get the best of him when it comes to this 4 week span that we will be together.

I do want him to be my first, but i think i want my first and last to be the same person.
I have no problem talking to him about my requirements, and he never pressures me about it nor does he question my reasoning when i say no.
but is it reasonable to wait to have sex with someone purely for the purpose of waiting?

i trust him and i know he wont bring it up again for a while but im just kind of in a pickle.
i dont thinks he understands that i want to have sex with him just as badly as he wants to but i need to have a clearer direction of our future together( if we will have one). i want to know where i will go to college, and most importantly i want it to be special and i want to be somewhere( not my parents house) where i can feel comfortable without fear of someone walking in

i just feel like it will be so much more rewarding as independant people with a clear view of our future. rather than two teens secretly having sex upstairs.

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sinclair66

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breath
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Hi Sinclair,
You have stated that "he keeps asking you" when/where/how. It sounds like you have also mentioned to him your requirements at the moment and that he has listened.

So the fact that he keeps bring it up again and again isn't very considerate or thoughtful to me or reflective of our partner's desires. It's completely alright for him to let his imagination run loose but it's also imp for him to realize that you are in control of your body/self. There seems to be a mismatch between both of your requirments of sex.


I think you are completely right to feel when/where/how you want to have sex.

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sinclair66
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when i say "keeps bringing it up" i just mean that in our whole relationship we have probably talked about it like 3 times but he has brought it up twice in the last few weeks
anyway.. i guess im kind if to blame because i never actually told him my requirements. i just kind of smile it off and say that we may eventually.. not the best approach.
ill just bring it up and give it to him strait because i have never told him what i want/ expect out of my first time.

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sinclair66

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sinclair66
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but you are right, i don't think he realizes how important it is to me, because we may view our first times differently, in that sense. im not afraid of us breakin up or him being angry or anything im just thinking about the future

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sinclair66

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breath
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Hi Sinclaire,

I don't think that you are to blame because you never explictly told him your point of view. DId he ask for your point view? If not, then I would say that he would share some of the responsibility of not having an open communication about it. However, by not showing enthausitic 100% like "WOW that sounds like exactly what I was thinking of doing with too you"- you were communicating to him that this wasn't exactly what you were thinking of.

However, now it seems like you are ready to tell him upfront and in clear language. What would you say to him ideally? It may be a hard thing to do--even if you think that you would be fine. would you like to talk to us here about what you want to say? Please free to post here as you go through it.


Also, know that when we tell people our likes/dislikes/desires, they may or may not match with what our partners have in mind. Do you have any idea of how you or you two might go about handling that situation if or when it arises? Have you too in the past worked on situations where you both wanted different things, but were able to talk around it?


Also, while he has a right to run his imagination of how things will be during both of your 4 week together, it is completely normal for you to also have an idea of what kind of things you want to do him (not necessarily sexual) during that time when you see him. Your own desires/wants/imagination is just as valid. It's important to know that in any partnership, both parties have to see eye to eye and be satisfied. It's a co-direction, not a one-man show.

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breath
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Have you looked at these articles as well:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/an_immodest_proposal
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway_navigating_consent

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sinclair66
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"honestly, I do not want to have sex just yet. I want to wait until a few things have been met.
I want to be out of highschool.
I want to have a more clear view of where "we" are headed.
I want it to be special for both of us, and I want to be comfortable in a space that I am not in fear of parents walking in. I love you and i don't want to have sex purely to appease to our hormones, I want it to be special."

how is that? ( obviously I'll make it a little more personal)

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sinclair66

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breath
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That's perfect. Also, just know that often times, we don't have to give reasons to ourselves or to others (near and dear) to us when we don't want to do something. Partners who are understanding will be Ok with just knowing that you don't want to engage.


hope everything goes well and feel free to come here and update as needed.

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sinclair66
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thank you!

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sinclair66

Posts: 19 | From: U.S | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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